Poets' Corner (Serious Poems)
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03-07-2014, 12:30 AM (This post was last modified: 03-07-2014 12:36 AM by TSG.)
RE: Poets' Corner (Serious Poems)
(03-07-2014 12:16 AM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  
(03-07-2014 12:10 AM)TSG Wrote:  Only real issue is √¶sthetics. You should separate your stanzas, and add some punctuation. Other than that, very emotional, the rhyme scheme is mostly consistent, and I like your repeated line, "And I've never been so alone." In the future, you could give your repeated line a resolution; here, it just vanishes.

Am I good at criticism?

I am sure you are, but I am clueless. The best I can do is write how I feel and give it a little rhythm and symmetry. If you have ideas for improvement pretend I know nothing about poetry (because it's true Tongue)

Stanza?

Give a line in a resolution?

I don't know why, but I just usually love punctuation in this type of poetry. I guess I could add some in.

Blush Sorry.

A stanza is a verse; separating them would make your poem into something like,

Quote:I hate the darkness,
I hate the cold.

I'm feeling lonely,
I'm getting old.

And when I say to resolve your repeated line I mean... Consider Hmmm.... Give it a purpose. You don't have to -- in fact, you could just repeat it until the end; however, a line can change the tone of a piece if you alter it a tad. Here's what I mean:

Quote:And I've never been so alone

No one to turn to,
No one to blame.

Lost is my innocence,
Lost is my name.

And I've never been so alone.

So much sacrifice,
And nothing to show;

Gone are the joys
That I used to know,

And I've never been so alone.

I'll build up my walls
So you can tear them down,

I'll let you push me under
But I'll be damned if I'll drown.

But I've never felt so alone.

You could end with more finality were you to alter the final line to something like, say,

But, alas, I'm still left alone.

Or, you could change the mood to a less depressing one:

I hope that one day, I won't be alone.

I was just saying that your repeated line just stopped after you built it up. Think of it as your version of Edgar Allan Poe's, "Nevermore", or my, "I am not a brony." Neither poems would have as much strength if they dropped their repeated themes.

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03-07-2014, 12:31 AM (This post was last modified: 03-07-2014 12:42 AM by TSG.)
RE: Poets' Corner (Serious Poems)
Then again, the line leaving could symbolize how alone you are: even your own poetry is abandoning you.

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03-07-2014, 12:31 AM
RE: Poets' Corner (Serious Poems)
Accidentally posted extra...

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03-07-2014, 12:53 AM
RE: Poets' Corner (Serious Poems)
(03-07-2014 12:16 AM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  Give a line in a resolution?

I don't know why, but I just usually don't love punctuation in this type of poetry. I guess I could add some in.

He means:

Alone

I hate the darkness
I hate the cold
I'm feeling lonely
I'm getting old
And I've never been so alone

No one to turn to
No one to blame
Lost is my innocence
Lost is my name
And I've never been so alone.

So much sacrifice
And nothing to show
Gone are the joys
That I used to know
And I've never been so alone

I'll build up my walls
So you can tear them down
I'll let you push me under
But I'll be damned if I'll drown

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04-07-2014, 07:55 PM
RE: Poets' Corner (Serious Poems)
Happy 4th of July.

Fireworks


I hear their loud, relentless bursts;
I hear the sounds of fireworks.

Exploding in the twilit night,
And yet I see no source of light.


Exploding booms and joyous cheers;
Forgotten are their many fears.

Exploding in the twilit night,
And yet I see no source of light.


The scent of food assaults the air,
And yet I sense there's nothing there.

Exploding in the twilit night,
And yet I see no source of light.

With scarce a pause they echo on:
Their sounds pretend their woes are gone.

Exploding in the twilit night,
And yet I see no source of light.



Forgotten is the bloodied past,
Remembered are the shallow blasts.

Exploding in the twilit night,
And yet I see no source of light.



I dearly wish to stay inside,
But from their sounds, I cannot hide.

Exploding in the twilit night,
And yet I see no source of light.

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