Poets' Corner
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03-07-2014, 12:30 AM (This post was last modified: 03-07-2014 12:36 AM by TSG.)
RE: Poets' Corner (Serious Poems)
(03-07-2014 12:16 AM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  
(03-07-2014 12:10 AM)TSG Wrote:  Only real issue is æsthetics. You should separate your stanzas, and add some punctuation. Other than that, very emotional, the rhyme scheme is mostly consistent, and I like your repeated line, "And I've never been so alone." In the future, you could give your repeated line a resolution; here, it just vanishes.

Am I good at criticism?

I am sure you are, but I am clueless. The best I can do is write how I feel and give it a little rhythm and symmetry. If you have ideas for improvement pretend I know nothing about poetry (because it's true Tongue)

Stanza?

Give a line in a resolution?

I don't know why, but I just usually love punctuation in this type of poetry. I guess I could add some in.

Blush Sorry.

A stanza is a verse; separating them would make your poem into something like,

Quote:I hate the darkness,
I hate the cold.

I'm feeling lonely,
I'm getting old.

And when I say to resolve your repeated line I mean... Consider Hmmm.... Give it a purpose. You don't have to -- in fact, you could just repeat it until the end; however, a line can change the tone of a piece if you alter it a tad. Here's what I mean:

Quote:And I've never been so alone

No one to turn to,
No one to blame.

Lost is my innocence,
Lost is my name.

And I've never been so alone.

So much sacrifice,
And nothing to show;

Gone are the joys
That I used to know,

And I've never been so alone.

I'll build up my walls
So you can tear them down,

I'll let you push me under
But I'll be damned if I'll drown.

But I've never felt so alone.

You could end with more finality were you to alter the final line to something like, say,

But, alas, I'm still left alone.

Or, you could change the mood to a less depressing one:

I hope that one day, I won't be alone.

I was just saying that your repeated line just stopped after you built it up. Think of it as your version of Edgar Allan Poe's, "Nevermore", or my, "I am not a brony." Neither poems would have as much strength if they dropped their repeated themes.

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03-07-2014, 12:31 AM (This post was last modified: 03-07-2014 12:42 AM by TSG.)
RE: Poets' Corner (Serious Poems)
Then again, the line leaving could symbolize how alone you are: even your own poetry is abandoning you.

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03-07-2014, 12:31 AM
RE: Poets' Corner (Serious Poems)
Accidentally posted extra...

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03-07-2014, 12:53 AM
RE: Poets' Corner (Serious Poems)
(03-07-2014 12:16 AM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  Give a line in a resolution?

I don't know why, but I just usually don't love punctuation in this type of poetry. I guess I could add some in.

He means:

Alone

I hate the darkness
I hate the cold
I'm feeling lonely
I'm getting old
And I've never been so alone

No one to turn to
No one to blame
Lost is my innocence
Lost is my name
And I've never been so alone.

So much sacrifice
And nothing to show
Gone are the joys
That I used to know
And I've never been so alone

I'll build up my walls
So you can tear them down
I'll let you push me under
But I'll be damned if I'll drown

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04-07-2014, 07:55 PM
RE: Poets' Corner (Serious Poems)
Happy 4th of July.

Fireworks


I hear their loud, relentless bursts;
I hear the sounds of fireworks.

Exploding in the twilit night,
And yet I see no source of light.


Exploding booms and joyous cheers;
Forgotten are their many fears.

Exploding in the twilit night,
And yet I see no source of light.


The scent of food assaults the air,
And yet I sense there's nothing there.

Exploding in the twilit night,
And yet I see no source of light.

With scarce a pause they echo on:
Their sounds pretend their woes are gone.

Exploding in the twilit night,
And yet I see no source of light.



Forgotten is the bloodied past,
Remembered are the shallow blasts.

Exploding in the twilit night,
And yet I see no source of light.



I dearly wish to stay inside,
But from their sounds, I cannot hide.

Exploding in the twilit night,
And yet I see no source of light.

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10-08-2014, 03:38 AM
RE: Poets' Corner (Serious Poems)
In this moment in time, you have possibly forgotten you are breathing.
Maybe aware of how your holding yourself and how your are feeling.
Such simplistic effortless being.

Such infinite moments surfacing through the din

In noise there can be silence, right now can you hear it?
A stillness, a peace, without your eyes can you see it?
Do you know it? Can you feel it? can you be it?

Eclectic perfection.

Who you are can change every minute of everyday…
… but with a little time and thought you can chip away…
…and take conscious control of how you shape yourself today,…
… bringing the future closer, instead of letting the past push it away…


… caus only that intimate you has the final say.

Autopilot disengaged.

For no matter how much I use these symbols, to describe symptoms of my existence.
You are your own emphasis.
So I say nothing.

-Bemore.
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11-08-2014, 07:17 PM (This post was last modified: 11-08-2014 09:41 PM by Deidre32.)
RE: Poets' Corner (Serious Poems)
.../deleted entry

The beauty of the heart, is the lasting beauty. - Rumi Heart
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12-10-2014, 05:58 PM
RE: Poets' Corner (Serious Poems)
Found some songs I wrote ages ago, thought I'd share one to show the shit I used to write back in the day.

All That Matters - Muffs #1 ft Muffs #2

-Verse #1- Muffs #1
Some of my best days were spent with you.
You and me were a pair in a few.
Nobody else compared to you.
No couples compared to us two.
But I just couldn't get used too,
Being close to someone like that,
With all the affectionate tit for tat.
And it was too scary to me,
So I prefered to hide it so others couldn't see
And I know how you wanted to be free,
To express your loving,
Without me shoving,
You into the closet.
Every day I regret it.
But how could I cage such a beautiful bird,
You wanted to be free and your voice to be heared.
We arguged over that for hours on the phone.
And as I feared you went through it alone,
Because I left you to be on your own.
We grew distant which wasn't fun,
And I went to get my business degree.
You became a disowned son,
I should have been there for you that we can agree.
But I can't undo what has been done,
I just hope that one day you can see,
I was just a stupid kid and that...

-Chorus- Muffs #1
All I know is that I don't know much
But I know that much about growing up
When it means growing apart from what matters to you
All I know is how much I've been missing you...
From the, hanging out all day at Poland Park
To the, playing video games till it got dark
And I don't know if this song will matter to you
But the only thing that ever mattered was you

-Verse #2- Muffs #1
This is the part where I apologize,
For my outburst because I know you could have been with other guys.
I've never felt worst, you just wanted to hold hands while we were in town,
But I was never down.
I was too scared about other people's point of view,
When I should have only cared about being true to you.
And now living without you is what I've had to get used too,
Living without my boo.
You were the one that kept me balmy when it was cold,
It was suppose to be you and me till we got grey and old.
But I know it was my fault,
I threw it all away.
I'd rather hide these cards I've been dealt,
Too weak to speak up and have my say.
I know if I had your courage I would still have you today.
But I don't and I just walked away.
So I just wrote you this song today,
And I don't know if I should send it your way,
You've probably forgotten me now that you're living in the Bay...
Anyway I just wrote this song to say...

-Chorus- Muffs #1
All I know is that I don't know much
But I know that much about growing up
When it means growing apart from what matters to you
All I know is how much I'm missing you...
From the, hanging out all day at Poland Park
To the, playing video games till it got dark
And I don't know if this song will matter to you
But the only thing that ever mattered was you

-Verse #3- Muffs #2
I broke down when you did that too me
Took me a while to start living fully
These empty walls so haunt me
With a stare so dark and daunting
With the flash back of hugs and kisses why the fuck don't you want me
Because you did once but you just tossed me
Fucked up pretty quick and lost me
Bit my tounge when we met up for coffee
Wasn't even mad just wondered if you ever loved me
I don't wanna pick apart fact
But my pillow don't talk back
And I thought it was you and me for the long haul like that
But you packed up your bags and walked out the door
Now the moment has past and we've both matured
Excuse my apprehension but I couldn't be sure
I'm talking love, love has gone and went on it's way
With everything to lose but nothing to say
And while I meant nothing to you you meant everything to me
'Cause...

-Chorus- Muffs #1 & Muffs #2
All I know is that I don't know much
But I know that much about growing up
When it means growing apart from what matters to you
All I know is how much I'm missing you...
From the, hanging out all day at Poland Park
To the, playing video games till it got dark
And I don't know if this song will matter to you
But the only thing that ever mattered was you

The only thing that ever mattered was you

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18-10-2014, 11:53 AM
RE: Poets' Corner (Serious Poems)
I'm not good, but here is one of my better ones.

the beauty of your eyes
can warm the coldest of hearts
the beauty of your smile
can bring joy to all
the beauty of your soft skin
can sooth temper with a touch

even though

the beauty of your eyes
will never gaze lovingly into mine
the beauty of your smile
will never be for me
the beauty of your soft skin
will never lovingly touch mine

Facepalm

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18-10-2014, 06:43 PM
RE: Poets' Corner (Serious Poems)
I posted this, then deleted it. I guess I'm shy sometimes, when it comes to my writing. This poem represents my thoughts regarding my deconversion from Christianity.

All This Time

All this time
I spent chasing You
When I could've spent it
Chasing my dreams

All this time
I spent trusting in Your Word
When I could've spent it
Trusting my intuition

All this time
I spent in church
Waiting, praying, hoping
For You to show up

All this time
I spent on my knees
When I could've spent it
Dancing or swimming or something else

All this time
I spent feeling guilty
When I could've spent it
Planting a garden

All this time
I spent loving You
When I could've spent it
Loving myself

The beauty of the heart, is the lasting beauty. - Rumi Heart
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