Post-religion sexuality and relationships
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17-04-2016, 01:30 AM
RE: Post-religion sexuality and relationships
(17-04-2016 12:58 AM)morondog Wrote:  Double post, sorry

Fucking sorry?!?!? That'll be 12 Hail Marys thank you very much.

I'm a creationist... I believe that man created God.
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17-04-2016, 10:09 AM
RE: Post-religion sexuality and relationships
if i was single i probably woulda hooked up with you. pics plz!
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17-04-2016, 10:18 AM
RE: Post-religion sexuality and relationships
Masturbate.

Seriously. Getting in touch with your own parts and sexuality is the foundation of a good sex life in the future. It's not as obvious for women as it is for men. Explore yourself.

As for having sex with other people - you are right to be careful. Just do what feels right.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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17-04-2016, 10:43 AM
RE: Post-religion sexuality and relationships
(17-04-2016 12:29 AM)debna27 Wrote:  (since all my education about it basically said that it's equivalent to giving away a part of yourself to another person permanently, which is true in a sense but probably not in such a catastrophic way as I'd always thought)

That is true in precisely no sense.

Whether you're still religious or not, try dating a dude who is, and who was also taught to save for marriage. That way you don't gotta' worry about it.
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17-04-2016, 11:00 AM
RE: Post-religion sexuality and relationships
(17-04-2016 12:29 AM)debna27 Wrote:  
(16-04-2016 11:37 PM)morondog Wrote:  Don't stress about it. 22 is still young, many people don't do the deed until later in life. I was late 20s before anything of the hide-the-sausage variety happened to me, although unlike you I had a high sex drive from early on - I've masturbated almost every day probably since I was 15, although once for shits and giggles I decided to see how long I could *not* (since at the time I was religious Tongue ) and I lasted a week. I always enjoyed the hypocrisy of the religious guys I knew, even when I myself was religious, they were all masturbating furiously all the time themselves but would cheerfully preach that it was of the devil.

Hmmm. A lot of guys probably would be keen for sex, but that really doesn't have to define your relationship with them. I've been in a relationship once where we didn't have sex at all. We liked each other a lot, we kissed and sometimes things got steamy but we never had sex.

I think what you need to do is relax around the idea of sex. I also used to have hang ups about who I was gonna have sex with (only the girl I was gonna marry! I'm a pure boy!). I also felt that sex was somehow a dirty thing... Religion is fucked up, that's basically the message you can take from this.Maybe try getting comfortable with yourself first - i.e. masturbate Wink

In reality sex is not that big of a deal. It's quite fun but... your relationship with someone doesn't change after you fuck 'em, it's not some huge commitment thing, it's just like... a more intense way of showing someone that you like them. One thing you will want to do, is when things do eventually happen, practice safe sex - use a condom at least, get yourself on the pill if you're not already. Basically be paranoid. People carry a lot of germs around on/in their genitals, and condoms and so forth aren't always that effective at preventing transmission either. Although, most of the time what you would get from someone wouldn't be life threatening, but it might be embarrassing to get it treated.

I think I agree with a lot of this. I tend to vacillate back and forth between sex being such a huge deal and something that I'm never going to be ready for (since all my education about it basically said that it's equivalent to giving away a part of yourself to another person permanently, which is true in a sense but probably not in such a catastrophic way as I'd always thought) and something that really isn't that momentous at the end of the day. I just can't get rid of this odd, nagging fear that somehow having sex is going to "change" me and I won't be the same person anymore. I know logically that this isn't rational, but that doesn't do a lot to get rid of the emotions behind it.
I do actually masturbate probably a few times a week (the frequency varies quite a bit; sometimes I'll go a few weeks, sometimes it'll be every night), but I'm not always all that into it even while I'm in the middle of the act. I'll get bored or just give up. Is that weird? Sorry if this is a silly question, I've honestly never talked about masturbation with anyone before so I really don't know what "normal" is.

I've never seen it as "giving away", I've always seen it like kissing, a sharing thing. Maybe that's because I wasn't raised religious, IDK. I tend to be very enthusiastic about the other persons pleasure so I'm in the "if we both are giving the best we can to please the other person then we're both giving/getting" and it's all good.

As for what's "normal", nothing, only what's good for you. Many people have a hard time with masturbation as well, (Not me but many do) that's why I recommend reading up on these things. You'll find it's very individualized. Some get off clitorically, some vaginally and some anally, some any old way and some not at all. I did enjoy sex and had orgasms from masturbating as a child but I never had an orgasm from a partner until I was 30. I had been married 6yrs and had one child by then. Not sure why I had it then, as my husband and I had been together for years but that too is normal. Many women don't orgasm from partner sex, some never. However that doesn't mean sex can't be enjoyable and a great loving connection with your partner.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Explore the information available, explore yourself, find what you like and be safe. It will work itself out. Smile

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17-04-2016, 11:58 AM
RE: Post-religion sexuality and relationships
(17-04-2016 10:43 AM)Gilgamesh Wrote:  
(17-04-2016 12:29 AM)debna27 Wrote:  (since all my education about it basically said that it's equivalent to giving away a part of yourself to another person permanently, which is true in a sense but probably not in such a catastrophic way as I'd always thought)

That is true in precisely no sense.

Whether you're still religious or not, try dating a dude who is, and who was also taught to save for marriage. That way you don't gotta' worry about it.

I'm very much not religious, and I think it would be really difficult to be in a relationship with a religious guy, since I'm almost viscerally opposed to religion at this point. I need to be intellectually attracted to someone before I enter a relationship with them, and if they're very religious I doubt that I would be. Not that I'm excluding all religious people or even all theists as possible partners, I'm just skeptical of my own ability to be attracted to someone how believes something that I find so fundamentally flawed. But I do understand your point of trying to date someone who isn't counting on sex before marriage.
Also (and this is for anybody who cares to answer), how do I go about "finding" guys? Don't worry about being overly simplistic; I want practical advice. I work from 6 to 6 most weekdays and don't have a car, so making time for socializing is difficult, and even if I had more time what am I supposed to do? Just start to chat up random guys that I meet? That doesn't sound appealing to me.
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17-04-2016, 12:05 PM
RE: Post-religion sexuality and relationships
(17-04-2016 11:58 AM)debna27 Wrote:  
(17-04-2016 10:43 AM)Gilgamesh Wrote:  That is true in precisely no sense.

Whether you're still religious or not, try dating a dude who is, and who was also taught to save for marriage. That way you don't gotta' worry about it.

I'm very much not religious, and I think it would be really difficult to be in a relationship with a religious guy, since I'm almost viscerally opposed to religion at this point. I need to be intellectually attracted to someone before I enter a relationship with them, and if they're very religious I doubt that I would be. Not that I'm excluding all religious people or even all theists as possible partners, I'm just skeptical of my own ability to be attracted to someone how believes something that I find so fundamentally flawed. But I do understand your point of trying to date someone who isn't counting on sex before marriage.
Also (and this is for anybody who cares to answer), how do I go about "finding" guys? Don't worry about being overly simplistic; I want practical advice. I work from 6 to 6 most weekdays and don't have a car, so making time for socializing is difficult, and even if I had more time what am I supposed to do? Just start to chat up random guys that I meet? That doesn't sound appealing to me.

You could try online dating. The ratio for men to women on online dating sites is usually around 5;1, so you will have quite the selection. Okcupid and Plentyoffish are the biggest free online dating services.
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17-04-2016, 12:50 PM
RE: Post-religion sexuality and relationships
Does your insurance cover therapy? There are sex therapists who I imagine have dealt with a lot of religion-based issues, and they might be able to help you work through this sooner rather than later.

I grew up in a similar environment. It didn't take long for me to shake off the intellectual aspects of religion, but the emotional aspects…that's been a whole nother story.
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17-04-2016, 01:15 PM
RE: Post-religion sexuality and relationships
(17-04-2016 12:50 PM)julep Wrote:  Does your insurance cover therapy? There are sex therapists who I imagine have dealt with a lot of religion-based issues, and they might be able to help you work through this sooner rather than later.

I grew up in a similar environment. It didn't take long for me to shake off the intellectual aspects of religion, but the emotional aspects…that's been a whole nother story.

I actually don't have insurance at the moment, but I am in therapy (I've been in recovery from an eating disorder for a while). My therapist gives me a better price since I've been seeing her for so long, but we don't really have enough time to discuss this in enough depth with everything else that there is to talk about. Also, sex therapy isn't really her focus. I'm following her general recommendations though (masturbate if I want to, don't put too much pressure on myself about sex) but I do think I could use more help.
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17-04-2016, 01:44 PM
RE: Post-religion sexuality and relationships
(17-04-2016 11:58 AM)debna27 Wrote:  Also (and this is for anybody who cares to answer), how do I go about "finding" guys? Don't worry about being overly simplistic; I want practical advice. I work from 6 to 6 most weekdays and don't have a car, so making time for socializing is difficult, and even if I had more time what am I supposed to do? Just start to chat up random guys that I meet? That doesn't sound appealing to me.

Try online dating. It's not so bad. I never had much success with it myself, but if you want to practice meeting people and putting the moves on them it's not a bad option.

Just be aware that the fail rate can be pretty high, sometimes people come across online completely different to who they are in person. Also be safe. Most online dating sites have safety tips but at a minimum you should let a friend know where you're going when you go on a date. Since you don't have a car, IMO it's important not to be dependent on the prospective interest to give you a lift. It can be awkward and create a sense of expectation from them. Rather either take a taxi or get a friend to give you a lift to and from - that is also a good way that if things aren't going well you can just break it off naturally with "Oh, my friend's coming to pick me up now".

Be aware that often people who do online dating *are* looking for a quick shag, so you'll need to be upfront about the fact that such will not be forthcoming at least initially.

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If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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