Post-religion sexuality and relationships
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17-04-2016, 04:13 PM
RE: Post-religion sexuality and relationships
For meeting guys, do things you like to do -- bicycling, hiking, museums, or whatever -- and join a club for that activity that isn't gender specific. You'll know that you have at least one thing in common.
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17-04-2016, 08:46 PM
RE: Post-religion sexuality and relationships
(17-04-2016 01:44 PM)morondog Wrote:  Try online dating. It's not so bad. I never had much success with it myself, but if you want to practice meeting people and putting the moves on them it's not a bad option.

Just be aware that the fail rate can be pretty high, sometimes people come across online completely different to who they are in person. Also be safe. Most online dating sites have safety tips but at a minimum you should let a friend know where you're going when you go on a date. Since you don't have a car, IMO it's important not to be dependent on the prospective interest to give you a lift. It can be awkward and create a sense of expectation from them. Rather either take a taxi or get a friend to give you a lift to and from - that is also a good way that if things aren't going well you can just break it off naturally with "Oh, my friend's coming to pick me up now".

Be aware that often people who do online dating *are* looking for a quick shag, so you'll need to be upfront about the fact that such will not be forthcoming at least initially.
Seriously, everything morondog is saying. Everything. I'm on a Catholic dating site (because OkCupid, from what I can tell, is almost entirely people looking for only sex), not CatholicMatch, this one screens people kind of heavily, and I've still met some....interesting...people. If you go the online route and end up on a date, make sure said date knows that people are expecting you home, or mention that you told some friends where you'd be because you were "just so excited to be going there" or something. It's exactly what I've done when meeting people. Like going to Philadelphia to meet a woman in Reading Station once in grad school, I made sure everyone knew where I'd be and had someone text me to make sure things were okay.

Need to think of a witty signature.
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17-04-2016, 08:54 PM
RE: Post-religion sexuality and relationships
(16-04-2016 10:59 PM)Thumpalumpacus Wrote:  I was fortunate enough to discover a copy of Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex (But were Afraid to Ask) in a buddy's house, at age 13. That started the process of opening me up to sexuality; my parents never sat me down for The Talk. I lost my virginity at 19, to my first live-in.

Later, after leaving the Air Force, I managed an adult store and that finished the job of opening me up. Outside of men and animals, I'm open to pretty much anything, and have tried it at least once.

If not for that book, especially, I doubt I could have shucked off the chains of the religious sexual mores I had imbibed from my Baptist upbringing, so I can imagine how you must feel. My only advice would be to go at your own pace and do not tolerate a man who cannot or will not respect your feelings.

I doubt that's very helpful, but it's all I've got.

I've actually read a lot on sexual evolution, and it's been a long time since I believed anything remotely resembling the standard narrative. I honestly don't even know why I've made some of the choices I've made. I was stationed in Japan as an (no arrogance intended) attractive, well built, blonde haired blue eyed teenager/young adult with an interesting job, decent pay, a nearly guaranteed future, and a knack for languages and I had more than a few ridiculously hot young Japanese girls vying for my attention. I was quite attracted to them and had my share of fantasies, and if I had it to do over again, knowing what I know now, I'd have been all over them. But at the time, on the surface, I was fucking ice.

'Murican Canadian
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17-04-2016, 08:59 PM
RE: Post-religion sexuality and relationships
I'm loving all this advice and support Smile You guys are awesome, do you know that?
I'm really into the idea of joining some sort of club. Checking out groupons for cooking and art classes and shit, maybe I'll find something there.
A few things about the online dating idea: I've tried tinder before and actually found my last boyfriend there, so I know it has potential, and I'm currently on Bumble (my therapist's friend told her about it and she recommended it to me). It's just really frustrating wading through all the bullshit, and rather taxing on my self-esteem since it really relies on photos to make matches...I am not a fan of photos of myself, especially since I've gained a lot of weight in the last year or so (healthy weight, but it's still hard to deal with sometimes). Are any of the other options more focused on personality rather than looks? And does anybody on there actually want a real relationship, not just a series of hookups?
Also, I love that you all have safety and such in mind. I don't really have any friends in the area who I could tell where I was going though. Is it too much of a risk to go out on dates with people I met online?
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17-04-2016, 09:32 PM
RE: Post-religion sexuality and relationships
(17-04-2016 08:59 PM)debna27 Wrote:  I'm loving all this advice and support Smile You guys are awesome, do you know that?
I'm really into the idea of joining some sort of club. Checking out groupons for cooking and art classes and shit, maybe I'll find something there.
A few things about the online dating idea: I've tried tinder before and actually found my last boyfriend there, so I know it has potential, and I'm currently on Bumble (my therapist's friend told her about it and she recommended it to me). It's just really frustrating wading through all the bullshit, and rather taxing on my self-esteem since it really relies on photos to make matches...I am not a fan of photos of myself, especially since I've gained a lot of weight in the last year or so (healthy weight, but it's still hard to deal with sometimes). Are any of the other options more focused on personality rather than looks? And does anybody on there actually want a real relationship, not just a series of hookups?
Also, I love that you all have safety and such in mind. I don't really have any friends in the area who I could tell where I was going though. Is it too much of a risk to go out on dates with people I met online?

I can tell you right now that Tinder is people's go-to for casual sex. In fact I've never heard anyone refer to Tinder as a dating site; only that it's where they met the other party of a one-night-stand. No surprise your experience with it is as it is, then. So yes; other options are more focused on personality and quality relationships. Again I will recommend Okcupid. I think you will find it a farcry from you time on Tinder.
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18-04-2016, 12:00 AM
RE: Post-religion sexuality and relationships
(17-04-2016 08:59 PM)debna27 Wrote:  It's just really frustrating wading through all the bullshit, and rather taxing on my self-esteem since it really relies on photos to make matches...I am not a fan of photos of myself, especially since I've gained a lot of weight in the last year or so (healthy weight, but it's still hard to deal with sometimes).
Well, one of the primary problems of online dating is that people do lie. For whatever reason - can't tell you the number of times I've rocked up for a date to find that the person in question doesn't even look like their profile photo. I don't know what they expect from that. "Hi, I've told you a bunch of lies including using a photo of myself that's 10 years old. But now I'd like you to fall in love with me".

I don't like dating apps / sites that rely *only* on the photo, but as humans we do rely on our sight quite a lot. A lot of sites let you *not* have a profile photo but the thing is... then... as a guy looking for a girl my thought will be "Why didn't she put one up? Is she hiding something?" The primary problem of online dating for me is to solve this "are they lying and are they a match for me?" question in advance before wasting the money and time by going on a date only to find out that we're not compatible. I would suggest however that if some guy's gonna judge you based on your looks then you're better off not meeting him in the first place.

Quote:Are any of the other options more focused on personality rather than looks? And does anybody on there actually want a real relationship, not just a series of hookups?
I'd give OKCupid a try. There's a South African variant which I used back when I wuz looking. Don't know about OKCupid, but the SA one allowed you to specify a number of things and how important they were to you, in an attempt to narrow it down to people you actually would like, as well as writing a personal section about what you were looking for yourself and allowing you to exchange messages within the safety of the site.

Quote:Also, I love that you all have safety and such in mind. I don't really have any friends in the area who I could tell where I was going though. Is it too much of a risk to go out on dates with people I met online?
You are obviously the final judge, but in my opinion, the absolute minimum is to tell a friend. Even if it's a message to someone far away. You can always pretend that it's from someone close by if you ask them to message you back. Also I'd then meet during the day time (say on a weekend) at a public spot where there will be lots of people, like a coffee shop or a park.

Also for online dating I'd put a lot of effort into messaging and talking to the person first. Don't be shy to do this with multiple people. Everyone on a dating site knows what the deal is, and life's too short to be talking to only one person at a time when they might turn out to be not right and then you'll have wasted the effort. The main goal is not to meet with anyone who's a maybe. Go for a yes every time. Otherwise you end up going on lots of pointless dates.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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