Pressing Forward
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12-01-2014, 01:49 AM
Pressing Forward
You know, I feel like I should apologize. No, I've not hurt anyone (that I know of) and I've not technically made any sort of legitimate mistake. I have, however, made an ass of myself on more than one occasion, and it has left me feeling like a moron.

Many of you know that I'm suicidal. I have been for some time, and I'm not entirely sure when or how it started. I just know that suicide (more specifically, the idea of suicide) has since become a go-to remedy for that which ails me. I suppose it's just my sense of efficiency working in overdrive; like using an RPG to kill a fly. Sure, it would eliminate all of the problems in one huge swing, but it's such a drastic and final decision that it almost seems laughable when applied to certain situations.

Lately, I've been in quite a rut, and it's left me feeling completely dejected. I was handed the proverbial "keys to the kingdom" by someone I loved deeply before she yanked them away. I understand her reasons, and it was ultimately a good thing. But that doesn't change the fact that she was the best friend I ever had in my life. (I say that with not an ounce of hyperbole. I felt more of a connection with her than with people I've known since I was 6) Someone with whom I'd connected on a level so deep that it surprised even me. A level so deep that its depth didn't become truly apparent until long after she and I parted ways. Yes, she had a metric fuck-ton of flaws, and I keep those at the forefront of my mind whenever the longing for her arises; which it does more often than I'd ever admit. She was truly a muse. An inspiration. A very literal voice in my ear urging me to pursue my dreams and grab them by the throat; never ceasing to grasp them until they have been completely fulfilled. She ignited a fire within me and sent me stampeding like a freight train without a conductor. I was set. I was ready to face the world and all of the obstacles which stood before me with her by my side. My friend. My partner. My new-found reason to put down the gun and continue marching forward with more fervor than I'd ever had before.

But then, she left me. The little flashes of crimson which had been sprouting up since the time we first met culminated in one massive flash of red. The alarms sounded, we knew (somehow) that things couldn't continue further, and she simply left me. She's got her reasons. But she left me. Alone and without any fire left in my furnace. Just left suddenly to continue along the path on my own. No matter how "positive" my life becomes from hence forth, I will never forgive this.

Afterward, I fell into such a deep sense of hopelessness and longing that I latched onto the next glimmer of light that came along. It manifested as an amazing woman who seemed to have everything I needed. Aged like a fine wine with striking looks and a mind as sharp as a fucking razor. She didn't inspire me nearly as much as the former (or at all, as I've come to realize), but she made up for this short-coming with even more grandiose promises of contentment. She presented everything to me. Everything I could grasp if only I was willing. And I certainly was. So I took great steps and underwent tremendous effort to ensure that I could have it all. Working hard for the ultimate reward. Pouring very literal blood, sweat and tears into the task of making her - and everything that came with her - mine.

But, as seems to be routine, I was met with disappointment just as the finish line was within sight. There was another man, and I was left with the photographic evidence of their blossoming relationship and a half-hearted farewell as she dropped me for someone more suitable.

Not surprisingly, at least for someone like me, I tired to end it all for the second time in my life. I threw the phone across the room and stormed out of the house; grasping my head with both hands and pacing the roadway before ultimately collapsing to my knees and sobbing in the darkness of the moonless night. And like always, when I'm at my absolute lowest point as a human being, I thought of my gun. Someone on another thread suggested that it was "pathetic" that I was thinking of ending my life over a relationship. But it was much more than that. Pathetic, yes. By definition. (Not in the condescending way in which it was said) But a natural and, I would hope, understandable reaction in the face of such overwhelming odds. Over the last few years, I've done nothing but work my fingers to the marrow to be able to grasp what I personally feel is a feeling of true contentment, and each time I've come close, I've been met with nothing but opposition. Insurmountable opposition instigated by the only people who were supposed to be trusted to do just the opposite. The people I loved the most. The people in whom I'd invested massive amounts of my precious time, trust and love. Each time turning on me right when I'd accepted that I could be safe with them; successfully knocking me back to square-one so that I could start all over again. Every outing, every endeavor, every day. Each glimmer of hope stamped out of existence by the cruel and unjust actions of others and of life itself. Unless you've experienced it on such a deep and massive scale, you can never understand the profound sense of frustration.

Add to that the fact that I walk a constant line between life and death and yes, in those darkest of moments, I want nothing more than to turn the lights out on my existence and float into the endless and empty expanse of the abyss. Do not be mistaken: for those feelings, I am not sorry.

What I'm sorry for is how I react in those situations. I'm not sorry that I feel like offing myself, but I do feel sorry that I seem to announce it to the world. I guess that's just part of my process. I guess it's how I deal with such tremendous despair. I call out to someone - anyone - to help me. But often, even when I'm met with mostly-supportive response, I become my own worst enemy by convincing myself that I'm just making a fool of myself; that nobody really cares and that they're tired of hearing it. "Just kill yourself already; they're hoping you will so you'll shut the fuck up finally." Don't get me wrong, it's one thing to reach out. It's one thing to seek support. But I feel like I take it beyond that, and if I do, I'm sorry. I don't want to be pathetic. I don't want to be a burden. Sometimes, I'm simply so overcome that I don't know what else to do. And lately, for whatever reason, it seems to have become something of a routine.

But the real reason I write this is because something has changed as of late. Somehow, in the aftermath of my most recent upheaval, I've found a sense of empowerment that I'd not had before. When my most recent ex left me, I was devastated. But just a few days afterward, it dawned on me that I could actually go on if I decided to. The only thing I needed was to keep my mind busy with bettering myself, and the void will have been, at least in part, filled. So, that's what I'm doing. I'm setting small goals for myself and I'm working to reach them one at a time. And when I say "small", I mean small. A new tattoo here; a new car there. A better job position over there. The aspects of my life which I feel are in need of improvement are being addressed and altered to suit what I personally feel that I deserve. That was one thing I'd not thought about when I got this new job to ensure that I could be with my ex. Every single day I suited up and went out into the cold to shovel sand and dirt and carry lumber in the pouring, freezing rain for 12 hours at a time - purely so that I could make ends meet in such a way that would allow us to forge a life together. Not a single moment of those long days did I think of myself. Everything I did, I did for her. (Something which, in light of how things turned out, still infuriates me)

But after things went south and after I nearly put myself in the hospital from alcohol poisoning and failing kidneys, it dawned on me that I could live for me. That I could work for my OWN ends; rather than for the ends of someone else. Sure, I've done that before. But this time, I felt a sense of purpose that I'd not felt on prior occasions. This isn't a young, dumb guy working to have fun. This time, every loose end that I close is closed with a specific aim. A new tattoo to remind me that there are bigger artistic plans to which I aspire. A new car to ensure that I can get from point A to point B on the road to my goal(s) without having to stop at the repair shop every other month. A new computer to help me reach my literary goals. New friends who have connections with various local film studios so that I can get my foot in the door of a cinematic career. Yes, I still drink a lot. I've got a problem, but this time, I can finally admit it. And now, another step is going down from 17 beers a night (good god I didn't realize how bad it's become) to just a 6-pack. In time, it will dwindle to even less - like it used to be. Just tonight, I'm about to crack open my 4th before going off to bed. And that's progress. Progress which transcends my alcoholic habits and permeates every aspect of my life. I'm done with being a slave to my emotions. I'm done with feeling as though every kick to my gut is a life-crippling blow. Sure, it'd be amazing to have a muse. Sure, it'd be amazing to have an angel come down and whisk me off to a new life. But I'm finding that life doesn't always work that way. People suck massive cock, and will gladly cast you aside in pursuit of their own endeavors. So, I'm set to do the same. To take my life under my own command and undertake my own means to my own ends. I'll be my muse. I'll be my horn-sporting angel. I'll be completely selfish, yes, and that's precisely what I need right now. I've got shit to do and I can't do any of it if I'm dead. I guess that means it's time to start living.

Through profound pain comes profound knowledge.
Ridi, Pagliaccio, sul tuo amore infranto! Ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor!
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12-01-2014, 02:04 AM
RE: Pressing Forward
Emotions are Wonderful-and also disciplines we attain as we grow....I am atheist and left handed, did not go over well for me in the 60's in GEORGIA...lefties are witches and I would not lie about no god so...emotions are our brains regulator and animator....Devastation is a feeling, not a reality in relationships. Nice to meet you and I hope you can find a good book, a science book to enjoy!!!
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12-01-2014, 02:17 AM
RE: Pressing Forward
Your not PATHETIC, your consistency happiness may help you get a good frame of mind. I will not be to personal, for I am a observer of cultures and our Atheist lives. I, am very happy by the way, I am Atheist since I was 4yr.old. nope, never gave into any threats of a paddle to my butt, just took it like a young lady.... I do eat very clean and exercise A LOT...I used to love Beer, I looked like a female SHREK....Please become YOU, not another persons shoulder to bear on...use pillows and bare on them awhile. AND rest And long Walks.Drinking Beverage
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12-01-2014, 07:42 AM
RE: Pressing Forward
I'm glad you're turning it around.

You have to find happiness with yourself first. Placing your happiness fully in the hands of other people is never a good idea, as you seem to be figuring out. Smile
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12-01-2014, 07:57 AM
RE: Pressing Forward
Heart

You sir, are finding the path to success.

I have a feeling the more you dig in on your goals the less time you will have to drink and the problem will right itself.

Just remember that there are ups, downs, obstacles that we can't change and sweet rewards in every area of life.

Glad to hear you are doing better for you because of you.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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12-01-2014, 07:59 AM
RE: Pressing Forward
Good to hear Miso, you had me scared at one point. A new perspective is the way to go.

We are here when you need to vent.

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude. Sleepy
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12-01-2014, 08:10 AM
RE: Pressing Forward
Congratulations on your new positive outlook! And remember, depression and suicidal feelings are NOT you! They're the manifestation of an illness just as much diabetes or arthritis--don't ever feel sorry! My doc said something to me that made so much sense: We can feel on top of the world when things are going well but as soon a stressful event occurs, we don't have the reserves to deal with it. Other people bounce back but we struggle--so true.
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14-01-2014, 12:32 AM
RE: Pressing Forward
Tonight is my first night without alcohol. I intentionally didn't go out all evening because if I did, I would have bought beer. I was craving it. But I held out, and now it's after midnight, which means that (in my state) I can't purchase alcohol. It's kind of rough. I'm craving the hell out of it, so I'm supplementing with bottled water. I don't know how things will be tomorrow, but I'm not worried about tomorrow.

Just one small step, I guess. We'll see how this goes.

Through profound pain comes profound knowledge.
Ridi, Pagliaccio, sul tuo amore infranto! Ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor!
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14-01-2014, 12:48 AM
RE: Pressing Forward
I'm proud of you. One day at a time...

When things get really bad, you can count seconds.

Heart Hug


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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15-01-2014, 01:19 AM
RE: Pressing Forward
(14-01-2014 12:32 AM)Misanthropik Wrote:  Tonight is my first night without alcohol. I intentionally didn't go out all evening because if I did, I would have bought beer. I was craving it. But I held out, and now it's after midnight, which means that (in my state) I can't purchase alcohol. It's kind of rough. I'm craving the hell out of it, so I'm supplementing with bottled water. I don't know how things will be tomorrow, but I'm not worried about tomorrow.

Just one small step, I guess. We'll see how this goes.

Sounds like a good start. I don't know your drinking behaviors, but I would very strongly urge you to not attempt an alcohol detox cold turkey. Cut down over a period of time, but don't just stop.
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