Pulling the plug on my dad soon
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20-02-2018, 04:40 PM
Pulling the plug on my dad soon
There's not really any point to this, nothing philosophical. For the last week my dad has been in the ICU, sedated and on a ventilator. Today they tried to take him off of it, and he showed signs of serious brain damage. Yesterday we had high hopes that he was going to pull through, but now it seems that if he does wake up, he'll be a vegetable. So I'm headed back down there soon, and it looks like we'll be taking him off of life support.
I don't know. Not even really sure where I'm going with this. I'm sad about this, but I feel like I'm not sad enough. Does that make any sense?
I love the hell out of my dad, and I'd do whatever it takes to make sure he's ok- including sacrificing a good deal of sanity, which is another story- but I have to be honest, he was a real bastard most of my life. He was the author of his own destruction, and the only one to never see that. From his various addictions, poverty, felony convictions, etc, etc, etc, I don't think I ever saw him take responsibility for even one mistake throughout his life. Everything was someone else's fault (usually my mother's, who left him 20 years ago). He was severely bipolar- which, of course, is not his fault as much as it is simply bad brain chemistry- but I've seen him look for the smallest thing to lose his shit over. A broken kitchen magnet, and he'd fly off the handle. I do think he tried to be a good father, whatever he thought that was. Or, maybe that was what he told himself. Christ knows he never had a good example growing up, but again, that's another story. Shit, I'll probably have to come up with something to say at his memorial service soon. Anyone have advice?
I don't know. I really wish I had something better to say than "I love him because he's my dad." I guess he did teach me how to cook, so that's something. I guess he was the product of his environment- which, despite the fact that his misfortune was largely self-induced, isn't something I'd wish on anyone.
Look, I'm just rambling here. Guess I just need to organize my thoughts. Thanks for letting me use this little corner of the internet to make this mess.

A Catholic, an Atheist, a Muslim, a Jew, a Hindu, a Baptist, and a Pastafarian all walk into a bar. They chat, drink, laugh, and have a good time. There's no joke to be had. It's what happens when you're not a dick.
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20-02-2018, 04:45 PM
RE: Pulling the plug on my dad soon
I am sorry to hear you and your family are going through this.

As for 'not feeling sad enough'...let your feelings ebb and flow as they will in this type of situation. It's probably not completely sunk in yet.

Take this a piece at a time. What to say at the memorial will come to you.

Hugs and comfort.

See here they are, the bruises, some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. -JF
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20-02-2018, 04:49 PM
RE: Pulling the plug on my dad soon
(20-02-2018 04:40 PM)Sexy_Jesus Wrote:  There's not really any point to this, nothing philosophical. For the last week my dad has been in the ICU, sedated and on a ventilator. Today they tried to take him off of it, and he showed signs of serious brain damage. Yesterday we had high hopes that he was going to pull through, but now it seems that if he does wake up, he'll be a vegetable. So I'm headed back down there soon, and it looks like we'll be taking him off of life support.
I don't know. Not even really sure where I'm going with this. I'm sad about this, but I feel like I'm not sad enough. Does that make any sense?
I love the hell out of my dad, and I'd do whatever it takes to make sure he's ok- including sacrificing a good deal of sanity, which is another story- but I have to be honest, he was a real bastard most of my life. He was the author of his own destruction, and the only one to never see that. From his various addictions, poverty, felony convictions, etc, etc, etc, I don't think I ever saw him take responsibility for even one mistake throughout his life. Everything was someone else's fault (usually my mother's, who left him 20 years ago). He was severely bipolar- which, of course, is not his fault as much as it is simply bad brain chemistry- but I've seen him look for the smallest thing to lose his shit over. A broken kitchen magnet, and he'd fly off the handle. I do think he tried to be a good father, whatever he thought that was. Or, maybe that was what he told himself. Christ knows he never had a good example growing up, but again, that's another story. Shit, I'll probably have to come up with something to say at his memorial service soon. Anyone have advice?
I don't know. I really wish I had something better to say than "I love him because he's my dad." I guess he did teach me how to cook, so that's something. I guess he was the product of his environment- which, despite the fact that his misfortune was largely self-induced, isn't something I'd wish on anyone.
Look, I'm just rambling here. Guess I just need to organize my thoughts. Thanks for letting me use this little corner of the internet to make this mess.

It's normal to be confused.

Grief really isn't what most people think it is anyway. It doesn't start at any predictable time - some grieve before anyone even dies, some grieve right after. Some feel little for some time, and then it suddenly shows up out of the blue.

Grief has little to do even with whether you loved that person. It has to do with how impressive and frequent your interactions were. People grieve for people they hated, too. Grief is a physical reaction, driven by hormones and triggered by situations where the brain automatically goes to the dead person, only to find nothing there.

You are not supposed to feel anything but what you do feel. And should it happen that you are just fine and suddenly start crying over nothing a month from now - you are still not crazy and it's normal.

I am sorry you are going through this, venting helps. So, do come back and tell us all about it.

Heart

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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20-02-2018, 05:22 PM
RE: Pulling the plug on my dad soon
So sorry for your loss. I suspect that your grieving will not so much be for what was, but what should have/could have been. I wish I could offer you some words of wisdom that would comfort but there just aren't any.

Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
"Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know." ~ Morticia Addams

"You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." Robin Williams
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20-02-2018, 05:23 PM
RE: Pulling the plug on my dad soon
When you are facing saying goodbye like this, you tend to build up some pragmatic insulation, leaving you feeling like you don't feel enough. Later on you may be chipping away at it, but it is your journey each one a little different.
Be easy on yourself, gentle with you and others.
Hugs
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