Questions for God
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06-02-2017, 06:24 AM
RE: Questions for God
This reminds me of the Good God show where god hosts a podcast:




Gods derive their power from post-hoc rationalizations. -The Inquisition

Using the supernatural to explain events in your life is a failure of the intellect to comprehend the world around you. -The Inquisition
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06-02-2017, 06:33 AM
RE: Questions for God
"Hey, God!"

'What?'

"Why isn't the formula for disinfectant in the bible?"

'What, fuck you, you're going to hell!

(aside) I hate those hard questions.'

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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07-02-2017, 12:03 PM
RE: Questions for God
"What does Marcellace Wallace look like?"

Don't let those gnomes and their illusions get you down. They're just gnomes and illusions.

--Jake the Dog, Adventure Time

Alouette, je te plumerai.
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07-02-2017, 12:28 PM
RE: Questions for God
Dear God, why are you such a prick? Did you have to kill the kittens, puppies, baby birds, etc., just because you can't make a human that isn't batshit? Confused
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10-02-2017, 03:16 AM
RE: Questions for God
Hello God(dess)

What's up with the whole torture forever thing? Seems a bit excessive. Can't you just make the bad people sort of uncomfortable for a while, then make them stop existing?

"I believe that while not all people are essentially good, most are trying" - Adam Savage
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10-02-2017, 06:03 AM
RE: Questions for God
Going to ask the kind of question god seems to answer most consistently:

Where are my car keys?
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10-02-2017, 06:50 AM
RE: Questions for God
When oh when will the Maple Leafs ever win the Stanley Cup again?
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11-02-2017, 10:52 PM (This post was last modified: 11-02-2017 11:46 PM by Reltzik.)
RE: Questions for God
You know what? I'm going to take a stab at answering all of these in the voice of a satirical God character.

(22-12-2016 08:54 AM)Warts And All Wrote:  OK god, if you're so goddam smart, why did you have the Jews make the menorah with seven heads. Philo Judaeus asserts they represent the seven planets which included the moon and sun.

Why did you not instead have the Jews form the menorah with nine heads and make the center one removable so that when the Neil DeGrasse-Tyson and the IAU demoted Pluto from planet to dwarf planet then the menorah would still correctly represent the solar system? After all, your scriptures tell us that dwarfs are not pure.

"Okay, look. I don't bother looking forward in time to see what you humans are going to do, okay? Pluto's a rocky-slash-icy thing going around the sun. Whether or not you call that a planet is arbitrary and, as you apparently know, it changes. I DON'T CARE whether you call it a planet, or a dwarf planet, or whatever. Or what words you use for comets and asteroids. Call those planets too, for all I care.

Also, I didn't tell them how many heads to put on their funky lamps. They did that themselves.

Though I do like the number 7. Look, multiply the first and third prime numbers together. Then add the second and fourth prime numbers together. You get 10 both times. That's why I like those numbers, 2, 5, 3, 7, and 10. Tell me that's not funky.
"

(22-12-2016 08:54 AM)Warts And All Wrote:  You see, god, this would have become a legitimate piece of evidence for your existence, however paltry. Then we wouldn't need Ken Ham and other con artists to invent circular arguments for your existence.

"Ken Ham? Who's Ken Ham? ... oh, that guy. Dammit, if you're going to make me use my omniscience can't you at least make me use it for something IMPORTANT? That shit gives me a headache, and that's pretty nasty when you're a three-in-one godhead, let me tell you. I don't need that douche to justify my existence. Don't want him, either."

(22-12-2016 08:54 AM)Warts And All Wrote:  As Bugs Bunny used to say (and we have actual film footage of his existence): "WHAT A MOROON!"

"Yes. Yes, he is."

(22-12-2016 09:23 AM)Warts And All Wrote:  And another thing, Why did you give us five appendages on each hand instead of four? Do you have any idea how hard it is to convert base 10 numbering to any number system readable by a computer? The pinky finger could have been left off as it is not used to play the guitar or banjo. And the ring finger could have been tapered at the end so as to be used for picking one's nose.

"I told you I like 5, okay? NO ONE told you to go make all your computers binary and to make your banjos and guitars four-stringed. You did that to yourselves."

(22-12-2016 09:44 AM)Warts And All Wrote:  I'm not done with you mister! Why did you give me a brain capable of thinking of inappropriate things like bacon sandwiches and sex with the neighbor and then tell me I can't do that? I'm still waiting for your answer!

"Ugh. That old stuff. Look, there's a REASON that none of that applies any more, okay? I didn't really do all the math on how human psychology would play out, you know? Didn't really plan ahead. And then there were a bunch more of you than I expected... exponential growth really caught me by surprise, what the hell's up with that?... so I didn't really expect to have to set up rules for a whole society either. So I tried a bunch of different ways to keep you lot from killing each other with swords and saturated fat and other stuff and I DIDN'T GET IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME, okay? Sheesh. But try telling people that I'm trying a different set of rules and to ignore the old ones. They try to RESOLVE the differences and follow them both when they're CLEARLY in contradiction. Holy crap but I made you guys neurotic."

(04-02-2017 05:12 PM)Uniqueness Wrote:  You could have banned slavery or shellfish. Shellfish. You chose shellfish. Why on earth did you do that?

"Well, yeah. The poor shellfish are creatures too. I meant that you shouldn't be eating ANYTHING with a nervous system. I thought I made you people with empathy, but NooooOOOOooo. I get proven wrong with every shrimp cocktail. I just mentioned shellfish as one example -- people boil lobsters alive to cook them, you know that? ALIVE -- and everyone thinks I'm banning them SPECIFICALLY.

"Slaves at least can TALK to you and tell you that you're hurting them. I figured, make some rule that you can't beat them right to death and they'd gripe loud enough that everyone else would figure out that hurting them was wrong. But NO, you humans have got to be such freaking sadists. So I went in and added the Golden Rule -- twice -- and you still didn't take the hint. You tried to RESOLVE them."

(04-02-2017 05:34 PM)ImFred Wrote:  I'd ask him to make everything I touch turn into a vagina (except my penis).

"Um, NO. I don't do crazy miracles any more. Besides, ignoring ALL the other problems with that, I, uh, kinda goofed up your ability to synthesize vitamin C. You'd die of scurvy unless you could get your hands on some fruit and have it stay fruit."

(05-02-2017 07:51 PM)Callinectes Wrote:  "Good morning sir. Do you have a moment to talk about the Lord?"

"That's exactly what I've been doing. Uh, except I don't go by the LORD title any more."

(06-02-2017 06:33 AM)Banjo Wrote:  "Why isn't the formula for disinfectant in the bible?"

"Argh, this again. Look, let me explain to you how omniscience works. If I pay attention, I can know anything and everything about what's actually in your universe. But it's pretty hard to sort through it all unless I stop time and it gives me a huge headache. Which lasts until I start time again, and then some more. So I don't do omniscience much.

"... where was I? Oh, right. Omniscience only tells me what IS, not what's POSSIBLE. I mean, I knew there were some nasty chemicals that could wipe out living things, but I never did the math and realized that those could HELP living things, okay? You did that on your own. Kudos. I was impressed. That sort of initiative was what got me thinking that I should stop calling the shots for you and let you sort your own shit out. You're better at coming up with creative solutions than I am."

(07-02-2017 12:03 PM)Old Man Marsh Wrote:  "What does Marcellace Wallace look like?"

"Which one? There's more than one, you know."

(07-02-2017 12:28 PM)Gawdzilla Wrote:  Dear God, why are you such a prick? Did you have to kill the kittens, puppies, baby birds, etc., just because you can't make a human that isn't batshit? Confused

"What are... oh, you're talking about Noah's Flood, aren't you? Son of a... okay, here's the thing. It turns out that tidal forces REALLY don't like it when I violate the Law of Conservation of Energy. I CAN do it, but... well, it screwed everything up, and I've got no idea WHY, so I'm scared as all fuck to experiment and figure out what went wrong, and the math's just too hard to work through even with my omniscience telling me the exact location and velocity of every particle. Fluid dynamics, man, that math is AW-FUL. So I just let that sucker stand from there on out.

"Anyhow, there I was playing around with omnipotence one moment and the next? FLOOD. It was all I can do to freeze time for this one dude for a few centuries so he could build a boat and, let me tell you, I did not know a THING about proper maritime design back then. I thought he'd get wise to it when he went centuries without dying, but I guess not. Anyhow, then I teleported a bunch of animals to him and they were off. Best plan I could think of with that me-awful headache.

"Anyhow, later, when all those animals started reproducing, I'd overlay them with copies of the ones who died. That way we got all the species rather than just a few, no population bottleneck, so on. AND I saved them. Kinda. Your philosophers got me questioning whether that really counts as saving them, but that was later. It was hard on the ones I copied over, but it was instantaneous and painless. Better death than drowning.

"Point is, I was kinda ashamed of myself and on the defensive and I hadn't really learned to appreciate honesty yet, so I... well, I blamed you people. But it was my bad. Totally, totally my bad."

(10-02-2017 03:16 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  Hello God(dess)

What's up with the whole torture forever thing? Seems a bit excessive. Can't you just make the bad people sort of uncomfortable for a while, then make them stop existing?

"Okay, FIRST of all, don't assume that the low count of sexes in your species applies to my kind, okay? SO presumptuous.

"Second... look, forget about that part, okay? I THOUGHT it was a good plan for a bit, so I told everyone I'd do it, but then I realized it was stupid and so I never actually followed through. But try telling everyone that no, I said it but it didn't happen. They go nuts! Freaking nuts!"

(10-02-2017 06:03 AM)julep Wrote:  Going to ask the kind of question god seems to answer most consistently:

Where are my car keys?

"On your key ring? I guess? Look, I JUST used my omniscience for one stupid thing already and I've STILL got a headache. Find your own damn keys."

(10-02-2017 06:50 AM)Heath_Tierney Wrote:  When oh when will the Maple Leafs ever win the Stanley Cup again?

"When Hell freezes over.

"... no, seriously, I'm not going to do the math to chart out the future years in advance just to win some sports book. But since I'm not using Hell for anything I decided I'd freeze it over when the Leafs win. Because it'll be funny."

EDIT: Yes, I skipped Unsapien's question. Didn't want to trivialize it.
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22-02-2017, 06:17 AM
RE: Questions for God
"God? Hypothetically speaking... If I were somehow to make it into heaven (which I'm pretty sure I won't) do I still have to worship you for all eternity?""I mean I was supposed to do all that shit while on earth but now that I'm here is there a strip club close by?" "NO????" "Wait.... don't the Muslims get 72 virgins?" "Oh fuck... you're not Allah" "You happen to have his address?"

I get to decide what my life looks like, not the other way around.
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22-02-2017, 06:25 AM
RE: Questions for God
(22-02-2017 06:17 AM)RearViewMirror Wrote:  "God? Hypothetically speaking... If I were somehow to make it into heaven (which I'm pretty sure I won't) do I still have to worship you for all eternity?""I mean I was supposed to do all that shit while on earth but now that I'm here is there a strip club close by?" "NO????" "Wait.... don't the Muslims get 72 virgins?" "Oh fuck... you're not Allah" "You happen to have his address?"
I've always wondered...those 72 virgins (or is it raisins)....do they get a choice in the matter, or does the misogyny of the Koran continue into muslim heaven?
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