RE: Santa vs Jesus: The Showdown + others
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15-11-2012, 02:29 PM (This post was last modified: 15-11-2012 10:15 PM by Buddy Christ.)
RE: Santa vs Jesus: The Showdown + others
Who would win in a bare knuckle fight:

Santa or Jesus?

Inspired by South Park, does Jolly Saint Nick take down The Savior of Mankind in a brawl? Let's head to the Tale of the Tape.

Age: 200
Height: 6'1''
Weight: 320

A physique and style that resembles Butterbean, Santa should not be taken lightly. What people don't realize is that under that big red suit is mostly mass, not fat. True, he eats more cookies than he should, but visiting every house in one night takes stamina and dedication. He has an entire army of elf trainers and resides at the North Pole, no easy task. The cold and uncomfortable conditions make him resilient to pain and harden his skin. Going down the chimney may be a breeze, but how do you think he gets out of the house? He goes UP the chimney. Have you ever tried scaling a brick tunnel with a bag full of toys strapped to your back? Santa does it millions of times in one night.

Jesus Christ
Age: 33
Height: 6'0''
Weight: 170 pounds

Known for his swimmer's physique and his rigorous training regiments of walking very long distances, even across water, Jesus is no stranger to pain. It is rumored that he held the "Iron Cross" position on a wooden beam for days while his trainer socked him in the ribs with pointy sticks. He is most often compared to Muhammad Ali for his tendency to make outlandish claims to the world. He doesn't mind telling everyone that he is "the chosen one" and frequently proclaims his greatness to the heavens above.

The Fight

Jesus starts the fight well, dancing around the slower and bigger Santa, keeping to the outside and firing off jabs in between attempts to convert Santa to Judaism. Santa's beard absorbs most of the blows. In the middle rounds, Jesus seems to slow and throw less punches as his hands and feet mysteriously start to bleed. Santa traps Jesus in the corner and wails on his bad ribs, accentuating each blow with a "Ho-Ho-Ho bitch!" In the later rounds, Jesus seems to gain his energy back and is filled with new life, as if he rose from the dead. In the final round, however, Jesus kept goading Santa to hit him and Santa answered with a haymaker that buried the Savior. On his way to the canvas, Jesus is heard shouting, "The prophecy is fulfilled!" After the fight, many speculate that Jesus took a dive and that his manager Don "God" King had a part in it.

Winner: Santa
Loser: Mankind

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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15-11-2012, 08:28 PM (This post was last modified: 15-11-2012 10:16 PM by Buddy Christ.)
Santa vs Jesus: The Showdown + others
Next Fight: Mohammad vs The Tooth Fairy

Tale of the Tape:

Age: 40
Height: 6'3''
Weight: 140 pounds dripping wet

Hailing from the sandy paradise of Mecca, Mohammad is a tall gangly fellow with a long reach and a well documented history of violence. Mohammad is the only professional fighter who would actually take a fight against a woman, arrogantly claiming, "Women are objects and need to submit to the dominance of men. The Tooth Fairy will know the power of Allah before this fight is over." Fans of Mohammad are often absent from his fights, citing the complete restriction to even mention Mohammad's name in the fight card as one of many reasons. His image is also off-limits, causing confusion from blank fight billboards. Even black silhouettes are forbidden and so onlookers are misled into thinking the opponent is fighting no one. Mohammad's fights are often bloody and filled with unprovoked rage. During the pre-fight interview, Muhammad played the victim while asserting wild, antisemitic claims about his opponent.

The Tooth Fairy
Age: Unknown
Height: Unknown
Weight: Unknown

The Tooth Fairy has never been seen outside of the ring. On weigh-in day, she was a no show, but the next day her fight application was mysteriously left under the boxing commissioner's pillow. It is rumored that her name is actually a nickname she earned in the prison fighting circuit. She would knock out so many of her opponent's teeth that she began collecting them as a souvenir. Her trainers, nicknamed Candy and Soda, ensure that she stays in perfect shape and keeps her collection growing. She is less known for her power and more for her uncharted agility. She can slip into a ring and claim victory before the opponent even sees her.

The Fight

Mohammad begins the fight with a loud "Allahu Akbar!" battle cry and storms out of his corner. He circles the Tooth Fairy, pushing what appears to be a button connected to something under his boxing robe, becoming more and more panicked when nothing happens. The Tooth Fairy takes advantage and delivers a "Lights Out" punch, tiring the Middle Easterner and claiming her first tooth of the night. The fight is paused momentarily as the referee warns a mob of angry Jewish spectators for throwing bagels into the ring. When the fight resumes, Muhammad delivers a patented "Suicide Punch," delivering the blow in a tackling fashion that takes down the Tooth Fairy and Muhammad at the same time. The ref is unsure how to respond and allows them both to regain their footing before continuing. With Muhammad quickly running out of tricks, the Tooth Fairy makes short work of the opponent's frail and strangely non-muscular frame inside of 3 rounds. The Tooth Fairy is disqualified, however, when the ref discovers that her gloves are stuffs with quarters. Mrs Fairy was escorted out of the arena, pleading, "But I don't have pockets, where am I supposed to put them?" Before Muhammad can accept his victory, a click is heard and he and the nearest 50 people are engulfed in a ball of flame.

Winner: Draw

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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