Random Reinterpretations
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21-02-2013, 09:17 PM
RE: Random Reinterpretations
Hebrews 12:20
For they could not bear what was commanded: “If even an animal touches the mountain, it must be stoned.”

Even mountains have to follow god's law. If they don't, they are to be executed by throwing rocks at them.

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21-02-2013, 09:24 PM
RE: Random Reinterpretations
Matthew 3:1-2
In those days John the Baptist came, preaching in the Desert of Judea and saying, "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near."

And by saying "near" I actually mean "several thousand years".

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21-02-2013, 09:44 PM
RE: Random Reinterpretations
Deuteronomy 22:4


Thou shalt not see thy brother's ass or his ox fall down by the way, and hide thyself from them: thou shalt surely help him to lift them up again.


This fortells plastic surgery

Throughout history conversions happen at the point of a sword, deconversions at the point of a pen - FC

I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's. - Mark Twain in Eruption
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21-02-2013, 09:52 PM
RE: Random Reinterpretations
Deuteronomy 22:30

30 A man shall not take his father's wife, nor discover his father's skirt.


The origins of the words "motherfucker" and "cross-dresser"

Throughout history conversions happen at the point of a sword, deconversions at the point of a pen - FC

I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's. - Mark Twain in Eruption
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22-02-2013, 02:55 AM
RE: Random Reinterpretations
2 Kings
7:13 One of his advisers replied, “Pick some men and have them take five of the horses that are left in the city. (Even if they are killed, their fate will be no different than that of all the Israelite people – we’re all going to die!) Let’s send them out so we can know for sure what’s going on.”

Its meaning should be:
"Have some gay and bestial fun before the world ends."
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22-02-2013, 04:08 AM
RE: Random Reinterpretations
Quote:Matthew

11:19 The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, ‘Look at him, a glutton and a drunk, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’ But wisdom is vindicated by her deeds.”


The use of "her deeds" clearly shows that the "son of man" was in fact a woman in drag, and that those around her were completely fooled by the disguise. From this deception we can see that the Son of Man was in fact also wearing a false beard, probably purchased on the way to a stoning - something that is clearly corroborated by the astounding documentary "Life of Brian".

We can also infer from this text that the woman was fat - presumably this was an aid to her disguise. She probably had naturally large breasts that could not be hidden, and so she put on weight so that people would assume them to be moobs. The plausibility of this explanation makes it clear that in order to properly venerate her, it is vital that humans eat as many jam doughnuts as possible, and in particular that the female of the species should dress as the male in all occasions. It is especially important on sandy beaches, as these mirror the sandy deserts of the Holy Land. Therefore when on holiday, it is the Lord's wish that all women wear mankinis.


Finally we can infer from the text that heavy drinking, tax collecting and, above all, sinning, are all practices that develop our wisdom, and should be engaged in as often as possible. The text suggests that merely being a friend of tax collectors is acceptable, therefore nobody should vote Republican as they are clearly agents of Satan.


So go; eat, drink and sin! For these are the practices of the wise. And on election day, vote for the party with the highest tax increases!
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