Ranting corner
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26-02-2017, 04:34 PM
RE: Ranting corner
It's never anything I tell the kids to their faces. My mom should never have had kids and while she didn't tell us that constantly she did at times mention that she'd not wanted kids but did so because that was kind of what one did, and because my dad wanted kids, iirc. So it was even more stupid of her to have kids than me because she actually planned for us. Who plans for kids they don't really want? It was kind of shitty of them/her to be honest.

I became a mother at 17 when I'd felt for a while that I probably never wanted children, but I wasn't educated properly about sex or birth control and I wasn't given access to materials that would have helped me learn on my own. So anyway, at that point in my life, I could not have chosen an abortion due to my beliefs, and while I wanted to put my daughter up for adoption, her dad wasn't okay with that. So I did what I had to do.

The responsibility gets to me. I never wanted to be responsible for someone else's life and now I am responsible for 2 lives. It is too much to bear at times.

I felt a growing attachment to my daughter while I was pregnant with her (and the same when I was pregnant with my son) but after she was born, I didn't feel that overwhelming "motherly" sense. She felt like a stranger and like I didn't know her at all. I think that says something about me and that I am "wrong" for the mothering job. It just isn't in me. There's something that is different or wrong with me. I'm not sure. I fake it okay, I think, at least maybe most of the time.

I want better for my kids and for them to be better equipped for life than I was. But if, for example, my daughter ends up a pregnant teen despite the precautions I've tried to take, then I will count myself as a failure as a parent. If I can just get these kids grown without becoming parents while they are still children, and if I can get them out of the house and have them be good contributing adults to society, then I've done a decent job.

After that, well, I don't know. Again, there is something wrong where I can't make proper attachments, I guess. When we were on our trip to New Orleans, I didn't really miss the kids. We weren't gone very long at all. But then of course they asked when we got back if I missed them and I said yes because that is what you are supposed to say.

The truth was that I hadn't been away from them long enough to miss them. So once they're adults, I imagine that unless they come round to visit, it will be long periods of being away from them before I'll miss them and even then I wonder. I think maybe I would, eventually. But if they have kids, I don't want to be a big part of that, if any part at all. Yeah that's shitty but it is how I feel and I don't know how to stop that feeling.

I've also felt lately that I didn't mourn my dad enough. I wonder if I even had as big an attachment to him as I thought I did. How did I get through the grieving process so quickly? And why do I make attachments to things much more easily to even pets? An animal is a living breathing creature and should mean more to me than any possession I own but to be honest I am much more attached to say, my laptop that I use for many many things, than I've ever been to any pet we had.

Some kind of screw-loose in my head, or some huge fear of eventual abandonment or rejection to the degree that I don't attach in the first place at all.

This was rambly. In conclusion I am a shit mother (who never wanted to be a mother, but no going back now) and a shit person in general. Back to regularly scheduled program.

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26-02-2017, 04:34 PM
RE: Ranting corner
Get me to talking tomorrow on the subject of my kids and I'll be crying and upset because their future is looking bleak with the way the world is at present, and I'll sound like (and even feel like) a properly loving, caring parent. It all depends on the day, I suppose.

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26-02-2017, 04:38 PM
RE: Ranting corner
I am better able to form strong attachments to people I perceive as protecting me or caring for me. I am not a good caretaker and 90% of being a mom is being that motherly caretaking person and that just isn't me. I am good at being taken care of (though sometimes even that aspect of myself scares me) but not of taking care of others.

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26-02-2017, 04:51 PM
RE: Ranting corner
(26-02-2017 04:38 PM)Escape Artist Wrote:  I am better able to form strong attachments to people I perceive as protecting me or caring for me. I am not a good caretaker and 90% of being a mom is being that motherly caretaking person and that just isn't me. I am good at being taken care of (though sometimes even that aspect of myself scares me) but not of taking care of others.

I feel like I accomplished something by keeping mine alive till they reached adulthood. I am closest to my son as he is most like me and we 'get' each other.

My middle one...she has always gone her own way. Even when we lived close I often didn't see or hear from her for weeks at a time. She worries me at times but if there is one thing I know about her it's that she's a survivor...as am I.

My oldest has been an ass for years. Right now she is 'punishing' me by not coming by or calling. Yeah, whatever...she found her rich family and now I am not worth her time. What the fuck ever.

No one said parenting is easy...even for those who want nothing more than to have kids. You and your kids are going to be okay.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat

Are my Chakras on straight?
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26-02-2017, 05:31 PM
RE: Ranting corner
Got the bathrooms cleaned. That's perked my mood up a bit. Smile

Well, I say "bathrooms" but there's really only the one, but I dunno what else to call the standalone sink in our master bedroom. It's not even a half-bath 'cause there's no toilet in there. It's a one-third bath. Hobo Tongue

Anyway, my sad/down mood was sparked by a conversation with my mom last night. Got me to worrying for the thousandth time that I'm doing things wrong, but actually it's more that I'm just not doing things the way my parents did when it comes to a teenage daughter.

My mom always seems worried that I'm not being strict enough on my daughter, but sorry mom - yours and dad's way of being strict and always telling me no and never educating me properly about life and never giving me credit for being a good student and overall a good kid led to me sneaking out and just doing what I wanted anyway. There was no proper path to being allowed to do things. The answer was just a flat-out no, all the time.

Eventually you realize that it doesn't matter how well you do at school, or how well behaved you are, if you are a teenage female, you get put on lockdown and never allowed to do anything.

So yeah, anyway. It's just... their way didn't work. But instinctually I feel that their way is "right" because it's how I was raised. Even though intellectually I know their approach was unsuccessful. I am at war with myself, in a sense. Hobo

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26-02-2017, 05:32 PM
RE: Ranting corner
(26-02-2017 04:34 PM)Escape Artist Wrote:  It's never anything I tell the kids to their faces. My mom should never have had kids and while she didn't tell us that constantly she did at times mention that she'd not wanted kids but did so because that was kind of what one did, and because my dad wanted kids, iirc. So it was even more stupid of her to have kids than me because she actually planned for us. Who plans for kids they don't really want? It was kind of shitty of them/her to be honest.

I became a mother at 17 when I'd felt for a while that I probably never wanted children, but I wasn't educated properly about sex or birth control and I wasn't given access to materials that would have helped me learn on my own. So anyway, at that point in my life, I could not have chosen an abortion due to my beliefs, and while I wanted to put my daughter up for adoption, her dad wasn't okay with that. So I did what I had to do.

The responsibility gets to me. I never wanted to be responsible for someone else's life and now I am responsible for 2 lives. It is too much to bear at times.

I felt a growing attachment to my daughter while I was pregnant with her (and the same when I was pregnant with my son) but after she was born, I didn't feel that overwhelming "motherly" sense. She felt like a stranger and like I didn't know her at all. I think that says something about me and that I am "wrong" for the mothering job. It just isn't in me. There's something that is different or wrong with me. I'm not sure. I fake it okay, I think, at least maybe most of the time.

I want better for my kids and for them to be better equipped for life than I was. But if, for example, my daughter ends up a pregnant teen despite the precautions I've tried to take, then I will count myself as a failure as a parent. If I can just get these kids grown without becoming parents while they are still children, and if I can get them out of the house and have them be good contributing adults to society, then I've done a decent job.

After that, well, I don't know. Again, there is something wrong where I can't make proper attachments, I guess. When we were on our trip to New Orleans, I didn't really miss the kids. We weren't gone very long at all. But then of course they asked when we got back if I missed them and I said yes because that is what you are supposed to say.

The truth was that I hadn't been away from them long enough to miss them. So once they're adults, I imagine that unless they come round to visit, it will be long periods of being away from them before I'll miss them and even then I wonder. I think maybe I would, eventually. But if they have kids, I don't want to be a big part of that, if any part at all. Yeah that's shitty but it is how I feel and I don't know how to stop that feeling.

I've also felt lately that I didn't mourn my dad enough. I wonder if I even had as big an attachment to him as I thought I did. How did I get through the grieving process so quickly? And why do I make attachments to things much more easily to even pets? An animal is a living breathing creature and should mean more to me than any possession I own but to be honest I am much more attached to say, my laptop that I use for many many things, than I've ever been to any pet we had.

Some kind of screw-loose in my head, or some huge fear of eventual abandonment or rejection to the degree that I don't attach in the first place at all.

This was rambly. In conclusion I am a shit mother (who never wanted to be a mother, but no going back now) and a shit person in general. Back to regularly scheduled program.

It's difficult when everything in the culture seems to imply that there are "right" ways to feel and you don't have those feelings. Hug We'd all probably be amazed if somehow we could climb into each others' heads.
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27-02-2017, 08:35 AM
RE: Ranting corner
This is a preemptive post, for the next time Birdguy starts bitching about Obamacare.




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27-02-2017, 10:12 PM
RE: Ranting corner
(27-02-2017 08:35 AM)EvolutionKills Wrote:  This is a preemptive post, for the next time Birdguy starts bitching about Obamacare.




I was watching this earlier and it got me thinking: What the fuck is so "UnAmerican" about Obamacare?? Like.. seriously?? Because America has a history of marginalizing different groups within society, the one time it does something that benefits those that most need it it's suddenly unAmerican? Is to be "American" to treat vulnerable groups within society like shit?? How is that a good thing??

This is what I don't get with Republicans. And by that I don't mean rich people and politicians, I mean the average Joe, poor-middle income Republican. I do not understand the level of idiocy those people live with. To me, trying to wrap my head around how someone can be so stupid is like trying to describe colour to a blind man.

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27-02-2017, 10:16 PM
RE: Ranting corner
(27-02-2017 10:12 PM)earmuffs Wrote:  
(27-02-2017 08:35 AM)EvolutionKills Wrote:  This is a preemptive post, for the next time Birdguy starts bitching about Obamacare.




I was watching this earlier and it got me thinking: What the fuck is so "UnAmerican" about Obamacare?? Like.. seriously?? Because America has a history of marginalizing different groups within society, the one time it does something that benefits those that most need it it's suddenly unAmerican? Is to be "American" to treat vulnerable groups within society like shit?? How is that a good thing??

This is what I don't get with Republicans. And by that I don't mean rich people and politicians, I mean the average Joe, poor-middle income Republican. I do not understand the level of idiocy those people live with. To me, trying to wrap my head around how someone can be so stupid is like trying to describe colour to a blind man.

Just the other day some woman was "worried" on fb republicans will take away the ACA, but get this....she not only voted for trump, but still supports him. She's not the only one.

I don't understand how people can vote against their best interest
Facepalm


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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27-02-2017, 10:46 PM
RE: Ranting corner
(27-02-2017 10:16 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  
(27-02-2017 10:12 PM)earmuffs Wrote:  I was watching this earlier and it got me thinking: What the fuck is so "UnAmerican" about Obamacare?? Like.. seriously?? Because America has a history of marginalizing different groups within society, the one time it does something that benefits those that most need it it's suddenly unAmerican? Is to be "American" to treat vulnerable groups within society like shit?? How is that a good thing??

This is what I don't get with Republicans. And by that I don't mean rich people and politicians, I mean the average Joe, poor-middle income Republican. I do not understand the level of idiocy those people live with. To me, trying to wrap my head around how someone can be so stupid is like trying to describe colour to a blind man.

Just the other day some woman was "worried" on fb republicans will take away the ACA, but get this....she not only voted for trump, but still supports him. She's not the only one.

I don't understand how people can vote against their best interest
Facepalm

There are tons of them out there!
Hell, some think that we should get rid of that shitty Obamacare we have, but keep the ACA because it's good. Facepalm
I had a long talk with a trump supporter yesterday on FB that left me shaking my head in disbelief. No
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