Ranting corner
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17-04-2017, 10:48 AM
RE: Ranting corner
(17-04-2017 09:57 AM)Escape Artist Wrote:  So I should just get used to being lied to and be okay with it. Okay.

No. It is not all or nothing.

One lie does not make somebody a habitual liar. A lie told to try to spare you anxiety or grief or to keep something private may be misguided but not based on bad motives. All lies are not equal.

You have strong reactions to being lied to and probably have very good reasons for such a strong reaction. You should be clear to your kid that you know that you were lied to and that it hurt you. You should also try to put this in perspective because not all lies are malicious.

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17-04-2017, 10:48 AM
RE: Ranting corner
Got my dates wrong. It was nearly twenty years later before things were patched up between me and my mom but I still keep her somewhat at arm's length.

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17-04-2017, 10:50 AM
RE: Ranting corner
It is all or nothing for me, unfortunately. Either i trust you or I don't.

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17-04-2017, 02:51 PM
RE: Ranting corner
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No it's not the hip or cool thing, it's just people acknowledging history Evangelical megachurch youth minister.

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17-04-2017, 08:01 PM
RE: Ranting corner
(17-04-2017 09:07 AM)Escape Artist Wrote:  The walls came up on their own. I can't help that. And I can't bring them down now. I won't apologize for my brain erecting a barrier to protect myself from further pain.

I didn't say you should apologize, I don't believe you have anything to apologize for.
Your daughter is the one that lied, she does need to know that lying about where she's been/going is wrong. BUT that doesn't mean you need to go all freak out on her ass and mistrust her completely from here on out.

Quote:I can't keep opening myself up to pain. Maybe the rest of you are tougher than me.

You need to stop looking at it so personally. She's not trying to hurt you, she's just a teenage girl. This is what I'm talking about when you have to treat her appropriately.

Basically, in a nutshell, and I mean this in the best way possible, you need to get over it. You need to suck it up, deal with it and let it go. Teenagers are gonna lie to their parents at some point, it's just part of being a teenager. You need to accept that. I'm not saying don't punish your kid, if she lies to you about being/going somewhere she needs to know that that's not okay and that there are repercussions. BUT you still need to be able to trust her the following week.

This is why you need to have that talk I was talking about. You need to communicate to her that it's ok if she wants to go out with her friends or hang out with her boyfriend BUT you just want to know who she's gonna be with and when to expect you home. You don't need to know exact times and specifics. Like, if she's out with her friends shopping you need to expect that she might go to the park afterwards or whatever. She might say she'll be home around 7 so you should be be accepting that it's not gonna be 7 on the dot. You need to trust her and give her some space. You can be a parent without being overbearing because overbearing is what will make her lie to you.

Quote:It is all or nothing for me, unfortunately. Either i trust you or I don't.

Well you need to change that.



Progress, not perfection.

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17-04-2017, 08:18 PM
RE: Ranting corner
(17-04-2017 08:01 PM)earmuffs Wrote:  
(17-04-2017 09:07 AM)Escape Artist Wrote:  The walls came up on their own. I can't help that. And I can't bring them down now. I won't apologize for my brain erecting a barrier to protect myself from further pain.

I didn't say you should apologize, I don't believe you have anything to apologize for.
Your daughter is the one that lied, she does need to know that lying about where she's been/going is wrong. BUT that doesn't mean you need to go all freak out on her ass and mistrust her completely from here on out.

Quote:I can't keep opening myself up to pain. Maybe the rest of you are tougher than me.

You need to stop looking at it so personally. She's not trying to hurt you, she's just a teenage girl. This is what I'm talking about when you have to treat her appropriately.

Basically, in a nutshell, and I mean this in the best way possible, you need to get over it. You need to suck it up, deal with it and let it go. Teenagers are gonna lie to their parents at some point, it's just part of being a teenager. You need to accept that. I'm not saying don't punish your kid, if she lies to you about being/going somewhere she needs to know that that's not okay and that there are repercussions. BUT you still need to be able to trust her the following week.

This is why you need to have that talk I was talking about. You need to communicate to her that it's ok if she wants to go out with her friends or hang out with her boyfriend BUT you just want to know who she's gonna be with and when to expect you home. You don't need to know exact times and specifics. Like, if she's out with her friends shopping you need to expect that she might go to the park afterwards or whatever. She might say she'll be home around 7 so you should be be accepting that it's not gonna be 7 on the dot. You need to trust her and give her some space. You can be a parent without being overbearing because overbearing is what will make her lie to you.

Quote:It is all or nothing for me, unfortunately. Either i trust you or I don't.

Well you need to change that.



Progress, not perfection.

Quick update on the situation. Turns out it was just a misunderstanding. As to EA's reaction this was not a rational progression for her. She knows it is irrational but it is a result of her having been gaslite for nearly 15 years. She has major trust issues because of that long term abuse. It is nearly a mild form of PTSD and having someone she trusts lie to her is a triggering event.

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17-04-2017, 08:29 PM
RE: Ranting corner
(17-04-2017 08:18 PM)Revenant77x Wrote:  
(17-04-2017 08:01 PM)earmuffs Wrote:  I didn't say you should apologize, I don't believe you have anything to apologize for.
Your daughter is the one that lied, she does need to know that lying about where she's been/going is wrong. BUT that doesn't mean you need to go all freak out on her ass and mistrust her completely from here on out.


You need to stop looking at it so personally. She's not trying to hurt you, she's just a teenage girl. This is what I'm talking about when you have to treat her appropriately.

Basically, in a nutshell, and I mean this in the best way possible, you need to get over it. You need to suck it up, deal with it and let it go. Teenagers are gonna lie to their parents at some point, it's just part of being a teenager. You need to accept that. I'm not saying don't punish your kid, if she lies to you about being/going somewhere she needs to know that that's not okay and that there are repercussions. BUT you still need to be able to trust her the following week.

This is why you need to have that talk I was talking about. You need to communicate to her that it's ok if she wants to go out with her friends or hang out with her boyfriend BUT you just want to know who she's gonna be with and when to expect you home. You don't need to know exact times and specifics. Like, if she's out with her friends shopping you need to expect that she might go to the park afterwards or whatever. She might say she'll be home around 7 so you should be be accepting that it's not gonna be 7 on the dot. You need to trust her and give her some space. You can be a parent without being overbearing because overbearing is what will make her lie to you.


Well you need to change that.



Progress, not perfection.

Quick update on the situation. Turns out it was just a misunderstanding. As to EA's reaction this was not a rational progression for her. She knows it is irrational but it is a result of her having been gaslite for nearly 15 years. She has major trust issues because of that long term abuse. It is nearly a mild form of PTSD and having someone she trusts lie to her is a triggering event.

Fair enough. I hope she can overcome it, it would be a shame if shitty people (her mother and daughters father) affected her in such a negative way even after the initial damage. One of those things that's not an easy fix though I suspect.

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18-04-2017, 10:34 AM
RE: Ranting corner
Rev Hug

Everyone else... I'm sorry. Was kind of a perfect storm brewing over the weekend with the emotions and physical exertions of the party (her dad not showing up and being angry about that because he strung her along for months saying he might not be able to go but not saying outright he couldn't and so she held out hope he would, and then just the hours of set-up were physically draining), the particular friend she wanted to go hang with (the friend has displayed signs of being manipulative and controlling, and I am hyper-aware of things like that so I worry whenever daughter hangs out with her), so I guess all the old fears and worries were brewing under the surface, just waiting to rear their head. And then a horrible misunderstanding on my part just brought it all back.

Trust is very difficult for me now. I was too trusting in the past and that isn't good either but now it's gone almost the opposite direction. I have to work really hard to open up, even with Rev, and I am learning more and more each day to trust him.

It is getting better, but there are still days I have to fight with the voice inside that says he is just using me, that he doesn't really love me, that I got into a bad situation before and I'm still the same person aren't I, and don't I realize that I'll just get myself into the same one again? It tells me that I did something to trigger the manipulative and controlling behavior in my ex and that if I'm not careful, I'll trigger it in Rev. That I can't help it. That it's just me, that there is something wrong with me that people can't help but to respond to me by manipulating and using me. I feel afraid to stand up for myself at times, or to make my opinion known because that got me into trouble before, or I was told my feelings did not matter. I feel afraid to not make my opinion known because the thought of being... I can't find the wording. Swept under the rug? Silenced? I don't know. But both can scare me.

And mind you none of this is fair to Rev. He didn't do all the bullshit to me that my ex did. He doesn't tell me my feelings are wrong or invalid or do any of that shit. But the damage is there in my mind just the same. I fear that for everyone really close to me in my life, that there is some horrible moment in the distant future where I will find that yes, even they have used me or been lying to me. I almost stand ready for this to happen, as if the walls are just waiting to spring up all around me, the scissors poised to cut all ties should the need arise. I can't handle the thought of feeling that way again, the way I felt with my ex. When I was under his "spell" so to speak, it wasn't so bad (or, I was under the illusion that it wasn't so bad - I kept telling myself it could be worse). But when you know what's going on, when you've "woken up" and you are still trapped, that is hell.

I'm rambling. My reaction was not fair to my daughter and neither is such a reaction fair to anyone except the people who've caused this damage to me, but when I feel threatened, the reaction just happens. I react purely emotionally and in what feels like self-defense at the time.

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18-04-2017, 02:22 PM
RE: Ranting corner
Ea Hug

More furniture will be coming into our house.

I'm not sure what to think, or even what to say anymore.

I did sit on the sectional sofa and my goodness it's comfortable. But....

After looking at it again, it's a damn monster, and I'm not convinced will really fit.

The man measured it three times and said it will with space to spare, but not much.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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19-04-2017, 06:37 AM
RE: Ranting corner
So my NPR wasn't coming through this morning, and I switched it to KLOVE. Good grief...it's Pledge Drive. Now this wasn't as bad as I've heard their Pledge Drive get before where I'm condemning people to suicide if I don't give, or how young teen girls will have abortions if I don't donate, but it still was ticking me off. "We would never tell you to give if you don't have the money, but look at Wayne, fixed income and always in the holy, but he gave and now has extra money each month!" "You just have to talk to God about how much to give", "one woman lived with her husband and two kids in a one bedroom apartment and they prayed and realized their tithe should come first. Now they have more money, you have to just realize you need to operate in God's economy".

And the ever ubiquitous, "Unlike most radio stations, we don't do commercials, we're brought to you by your donations!" Fun aside, I got comments deleted once on one of their Facebook pages after an argument with them about this line. You see, they have "business team members" who are businesses who donate $100 per month instead of the $40 per month they ask of individuals. And those businesses get shout outs by the DJs, and pre-recorded things they sometimes play between songs for local businesses who donated. The technically don't meet the requirements set by the FCC for what constitutes an advertisement, but only technically. Which is why it's "ad free", but during non-Pledge Drive times, you hear things for all sorts of local churches and businesses.

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