Reading the Brick Testament
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15-10-2011, 10:49 AM
Reading the Brick Testament
So, I've taken to reading the Brick Testament, a webcomic (ish) depicting scenes from the bible in... legos. And I thought it would be fun to make commentary as I went along, complete with links.

God gives mankind EVERY seed bearing plant and fruit bearing tree to eat. Guess he changes his mind in Genesis 2.

"But Yahweh did not look with favor on Cain and his offering." So, god loves blood more than fresh veggies. Gotcha.

"Yahweh said to Cain, 'Why are you upset and why is your face fallen? If you do good, isn't it lifted? If you do not do good, error, she is crouching at the opening. His desire is to you, and you will dominate him.'"

What. The. Fuck. Seriously, there's no context for this statement. It's just 'Yahweh didn't like veggies', and then it goes straight to Cain killing Abel, with this in between. Who is the 'he' in the last sentence? Error was personified a woman (natch), so it's not her. What the heck is going on here? Really, the only other 'he' in this story is Abel. That whole "You will dominate him," sounds like he's egging on Cain. Presumably, to generate more blood.

"What have you done? The voice of your brother's blood cries out to me from the ground." See? God can't read Cains mind, but he can hear Abels blood. Yahweh has a real thing for blood. God probably had an orgasm, therefore he knew something had to have died.

Cain settles in Nod. But in Genesis 4:11-12, Yahweh said Cain would wander forever. Man, Yahweh sucks at curses. Hopefully the people who see his mark don't know that, so that they know they can kill Cain without any repercussions.

So, Lamech. Father of Noah, and some other kids (Also a polygamist). In the next two verses, we find that Yabal and Yubal were the ancestor of all those who live in tents and raise livestock / play the harp and flute respectively. They are also the brothers of Noah. So... how does this work? Well, Noah's sons had to get their wives from somewhere, right? Noah's sons must therefore have married the daughters of Yabal and Yubal. Y'know, their cousins. And here I thought the incest could wait until after the flood.

God says humans won't live more than 120 years. This is a flat out lie. Noah lives to 950 and we'll see some other humans later on that also break 120 years. Not to mention, this verse comes literally out of nowhere. Angels are raping women, god is like "Humans can't live forever because they're made of meat", and then we go right back to the angel-rape plot. Total non-sequitor.

"And (Yahweh) regretted having made humankind on earth, and it pained his heart."

God: Man, at the time, it totally seemed like a sweet idea to do something I know I would regret. But now, I'm kind of regretting it.

Oh Yahweh, everyone's favorite bumbling all-knowing, all-powerful cartoon dad.

The dimensions of the Ark are given here. 99900 square feet of animal storage space (With roofs about 15 feet high for each floor), maybe less depending on how you read it. That little space in order to fit every 'kind' of animal. And creationists say they don't believe in evolution... pity, as that's the only way this works.

"Then God remembered Noah and all the living things and the livestock that were with him on the ark." Now, 'remembered' here is probably used in a different sense, but I still can't help picturing god laughing his ass of for the better part of a year watching everything die, and only when he stopped laughing and wiped the tears from his eyes did he remember that he actually had some business to attend to. Also, bear in mind, it only rained for 40 days, so if my version is true, god spent something like 4-5 months just laughing about how totally awesome that slaughter was, before he calmed down.

Betcha those childrens bibles don't include the dead land and all the bodies at the end of the flood, do they?

"And Noah built an altar to Yahweh, and took some of every clean animal and every clean bird, and offered them as burnt sacrifices on the altar."

God: Hey Noah?
Noah: Yes, Lord?
God: Listen, I really appreciate the gesture, and normally, all this killing would be totally awesome, but uh... that was the last tyrannosaurus rex. They're extinct now. So could you cut that shit out?

This would also imply that all animals that are alive now are the unclean ones.

This actually has got me thinking. Why didn't god just create all animals with constantly gaping and bleeding wounds? Cut out the middle man, y'know? Why wait for mankind to actually get to murdering things to get his blood fix, when he could just set it up to work all of the time?

"And Yahweh smelled the soothing smell and said in his heart, 'Never again will I curse the soil because of humankind. Never again will I kill every living thing as I have done.'"

God: I'll just kill most living things. Because, seriously, killing everything takes work, and really doesn't generate THAT much more blood.

'Just do not eat flesh with its life — its blood — still in it.'

God: Seriously. Don't do it. The blood is MINE.

"Look, I am making my pact with you, your descendants, and every living thing that came out of the ark. Never again will all life be wiped out by a flood."

Never again will all life be wiped out by a flood? That sounds... unsettlingly specific. Why do I have the feeling Yahweh was just leaving his options open. Y'know, meteor strikes, famine, setting the entire world on fire... Really, he just thought it'd be tacky to murder everyone the same way again. Shows no creativity, y'know?

So, Ham walks into a tent where Noah passed out drunk and naked and... looks at him. This is apparently some great wrong that was 'done' to Noah. So, what does Noah do in vengeance to Ham for accidentally walking in on him embarrassingly passed out in his tent? Curse Hams son Canaan to be a slave. Noah is a mean drunk. Also a fucking crazy drunk.

Then Noah dies at age 950. Pretty good lifespan for a guy who drinks so heavily he curses children to slavery because their dad accidentally walked in on him naked.

Ah, a nice, uplifting story. Mankind grows to work together, and achieve great things in their co-operation. Truly, the flood was necessary to wipe out the evil of men and make way for this newer, better breed of humanity.

"Yahweh..." Oh shit, something bad is going to happen. Seriously, the last thing Yahweh did that wasn't evil was make woman. After that, he cursed man and woman for wanting to gain knowledge, dissed Cain because he hates lima beans, then spouted gibberish at him, allowed his sons to go about raping women to produce wicked giants, and then murdered everyone. Yahweh is apparently only not evil when he's making things. And even then, he apparently does such a shitty job that he regrets doing it later. Poor Babelites, they are so screwed.

What loving father sees his children accomplishing great things and thinks, "I need to put a stop to that." Seriously Yahweh, fuck you.

Abram wants to lie to the Egyptians that his wife is not his, so they don't murder him to take her. Previously, Abram just got the blessings of god. Most appropriately, "I will curse those who curse you." Which means God can't apparently stop people killing him, he'll just make sure to get revenge. I bet blood would be involved.

On the plus side, his wife was so hot that Pharaohs officials saw her, and felt the need to report this immediately to the ruler of one of the greatest kingdoms on earth. That's like Helen of Troy hot.

Then Yahweh screws with Pharaoh for screwing with Sarai (hehe). Pharaoh realizes what's happened and returns Abram his wife. So, apparently, Pharaoh would never have killed Abram for his wife, because not only does he not do it here to keep her, he also has vengeance as an additional motive. Turns out Abram is just a paranoid dick.

Welp, that's it for now. If you guys like it, I'll keep things up. It'll likely be slow going though. There's a lot of bullshit I can't just pass up on. Remember, we're just 12 chapters into Genesis. Twelve freaking chapters into the first book (And these aren't long chapters), and I've got three full pages of commentary.
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15-10-2011, 12:26 PM
RE: Reading the Brick Testament

Thanks for the links to Brick Testament. At first I thought it was the product of a fundie Sunday School teacher with way too much time on his hands, until I realized it's a satire and "The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith" is on our side. He does good work!

I wonder, though, how many actual Sunday School teachers are using these illustrations in their classrooms, given that the accompanying texts are all quotations from the Bible. I'm reminded of Poe's law:

"Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of fundamentalism that someone won't mistake for the real thing."

Religious disputes are like arguments in a madhouse over which inmate really is Napoleon.
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15-10-2011, 02:44 PM
RE: Reading the Brick Testament
He has a section where he explains how, if anyone wants to reproduce his work for their church or something, how he'd appreciate them going about doing it. That you are allowed to use his images, as long as you link back.

That all being said, you have to pay close attention for many of the cracks at the bible. Occasionally, variations will be simple, with characters longer sentences summarized in one accurate short statement (O woe is me, blah, blah, blah -> Oops), but that's about it for images that show things not in the bible. Nothing but misquotes that are still accurate representations of their intended meaning.

The subversive element presents itself in the issue of focus. Scenes of murder and blood are always graphically depicted. Anytime Yahweh uses some polytheistic 'we' or 'us', we see other supernatural beings. Canaan doesn't get discuss at all other than to be cursed, but the BT makes sure to show Canaan weeping, reminding you that he's a real person. Another cute little one shows god proclaiming that the animals shall eat every green herb, while showing a rabbit in the back eating an orange carrot.

And then there's the bodies after the flood.

The Brick Testament is essentially another version of the standby "Have you actually read your Bible?" It illustrates stories in a way that explicitly draw attention to the atrocities and absurdities, by having the images focus on these, while taking no liberties with the stories (Except, of course, his lack of interpretation. Silly atheists and their primitive biblical understanding...). It's lovingly subversive.
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15-10-2011, 04:04 PM
RE: Reading the Brick Testament

Oh, NOW Yahweh is Abram's "Shield." We could have skipped the last kerfuffle with Pharaoh is he had just said that in the first place. God being omniscient, he clearly just wanted an excuse to punish Pharaoh, like he will in the whole Exodus plot.

Abram: How can I know your promise of many descendants is good?
God: Alright, first, slaughter a bunch of animals.
Abram: Done.
God: Cool. *Sniff* Man, I love that smell! Anyway, it's true because I said so. Also, your kids will be enslaved for hundreds of years.
Abram: Sweet! A firepot! And burning animals!

Genesis 15 in a nutshell, people.

Another quick summary.

Sarai: Since Yahweh won't let me have kids, let's circumvent his will by having you have sex with my slave, Hagar, so that we can have kids.
Abram: Wow. I mean, I know I don't need your permission to have sex with your slaves, or hell, even the slaves permission, but how many guys have wives telling them to have sex with other women? Truly I am blessed by god.


Sarai: DUDE! Now that you've had sex with my slave, she's starting to think she's a person with rights, like me!
Abram: Silly Sarai... neither of you have rights! But you are one of my more important possessions, so, beat the shit out of the pregnant slave, if you like.

Hagar: Shit, that was awful, crazy bitch woman, I'm out of here.
Angel: Bitch! Go back to your cruel raping and beating masters! You are going to bear them one righteous dude of a son and you will LIKE it!

More summaries as dialogue! These are good when there's no real commentary to make, but the characters still get up to some crazy shit. Fun to write though.

God: Right, remember how you were going to have lots of kids? Well, fuck yah, you're going to have lots of kids. Also, I'm gonna let you have all the land of the Canaanites. Because I hate fuckers named Canaan.

God: Now, this shit doesn't come free. I got two big rules concerning dicks. One, suck mine. Like, all the fucking time. Two, cut off pieces of yours. I'll give you until age eight to do that.

God: Now then, you and your wife? Your names suck. Buddy, you're name is changed to AbraHAm. Because I love ham. Fat little pigs bleed so much when you cut them open. Your wife's name is better than yours though. Just change the last letter from an 'i' to an 'h', that should do it. And your kid won't have his named changed, because he doesn't have one, not being born and all, but call him Isaac.

Sarah: Lord, as a woman, I am grateful to hear that I shall bear a son, as childbirthing is my only purpose, but I am way too old.

God: Silly woman! I'm fucking Yahweh! If I say you're going to have a kid, you're going to have a kid! And don't laugh at me, either.

Sarah: I didn't laugh!

God: What part of all-knowing, all-powerful don't you understand?

Sodomites: Hey, Lot, we heard you have...

Oh screw it. You know this story. Fuck Lot and fuck Yahweh for killing Lot's wife. I'd say fuck Lot's daughters, but that already happened.

Hmm... I seem to be swearing a lot more as I go on. I think it's because basically every chapter, god kills SOMEONE. Even if it's only random animals, he is always causing some suffering. So, I'm starting to get a bit pissed off that anyone takes this book as morality. Fortunately, I love being angry at stupid people, so I'm going to continue on. I figure by the time I reach the NT, every other word will be me swearing.

So, like in Egypt, Abraham says that Sarah is his sister. Interesting side note. This is a lie! She's his half-sister. But that's not too important to the plot. It's also worth noting that Yahweh has now told Abram that he will be Abrams shield. So what he's afraid of, I don't know. Anyway, this time, Yahweh stops the king before he does anything, realizing that he probably shouldn't punish someone for the crime of being lied to, but not before rendering all of his Abilimechs women barren. The king is like "Oh shit, I am NOT messing with that lunatic Yahweh. Here's a whole bunch of awesome shit. Please don't kill me!" To which god respond, "Hey, I like a man who knows when to shit himself in abject fear of me. You get to have kids again! Especially those slaves, so, rape away!"

So, Isaac is born of Sarah, and Ishmael is born of Hagar. Sarah throws a hissy fit about Hagar's son, despite this being her idea in the first place. Women, they're all a bunch of crazy, naggy lunatics, am I right? So, Abraham obviously thinks his wife is crazy (Because she's a woman), but Yahweh tells him that this is all part of the 'Lots of Grandkids' plan.

So, Abraham sends Hagar and Ishmael away with not enough water to get anywhere, despite Yahweh having told him that Ishmael was supposed to have his own nation. So, Yahweh makes sure that he doesn't die. As he grew up, God helped him become a badass archer, and his mother got him an egyptian wife as a birthday present.

We all know this one, but I'm going to have at least some fun with it. Also, this one has two nice subtle digs right at the start. The title is "God demands child sacrifice" and in the first picture, when Yahweh calls out to Abraham, he's facing the wrong direction. Also, after the sacrifice begins, Isaac never stops looking horrified. Anyway, on to the narrative!

God: Abraham!
Abe: Yo.
God: Remember how I said Isaac was going to be a father of a great nation? Yah, well, I haven't had anything murdered for me in a while, and your kid is pretty close by. Also, do it on a mountain, as that will look totally cool.

Abe: Okay, slaves, keep an eye on the donkey while Isaac and I go up to the mountain to... uh.. 'worship'. We'll be right back. (We?)

Isaac: Dad, aren't we forgetting something? I mean, we got wood and fire, but nothing to kill.
Abe: Oh, don't worry, Yahweh is going to give us a lamb so we can murder it right back to him.
Isaac: That makes no sense.
Abe: You're telling me? Nothing that lunatic does makes sense. Like, for example, I'm going to have to kill you now.

Angel: Abraham!
Abe: Yo.
Angel: Listen, no need to kill him. God just wanted to find out how terrified you were of him. Turns out you were scared enough to murder your own son! God is very pleased to know this. So, no killing Isaac. It's the child-murdering thought that counts.
Abe: Oh, well that's good, guess we'll be going home then.
Angel: Properly fearful you are, but none too bright. Listen, something is going to die today, just not your kid. Also not you, since you're a good, unquestioning slave. Check it out, there's a ram over there. Murder that. You can't expect Yahweh to go a whole day without you murdering SOMETHING for him, can you?

"Sarah lived for 127 years." Seriously Yahweh. You said no-one lives longer than 125 years. And yet, here's a filthy, disgusting, garden-of-eden-betraying woman who lives longer than you decreed.

Now, Isaac needs a wife. He's supposed to have a shit-ton of grandkids, and all he has so far is his banished bastard son Ishmael whom he hasn't heard from in years, and his mentally broken son Isaac, who can't get a wife from anyone, because he's too traumatized. So, Abraham gets his head slave to look for a wife for him.

Abe: Now, touch my balls and promise you won't find me a damn Canaanite, or take my son to wherever you go.

So, the slave asks Yahweh that things will go well. And a hot chick appears, and the slave is like, "I totally gotta get that for Abraham." So, he goes to the family who says they have no say in the matter, because this is Yahweh's decision. Then they ask Rebekah (The hot chick), if she'll go with him. What the fuck? Presumably, this was a rhetorical question, as women don't have a say in this either.

And then, as they are leaving, her family wishes her the following farewell, "May you become mother to millions, and may your offspring capture the city gates of their enemies!" Hardcore. That's what I want to hear at my wedding. "May you have sex like crazy, and may your kids be grade-A badasses!"

Then, Isaac is thinking that he is way too old with way too few kids. So he marries some other woman (Without a story), and has 6 increasingly silly named kids. He also has more kids with his sex slaves. Then he told them to spread out, so that everyone would know how fucking awesome his loins were (Awesome enough to enforce promises!), and died, at 50 years older than he should have lived, according to Yahweh's mid-angel rape non-sequitor back in Genesis 6.

So, Isaac turns out to be a chip off the old block. Because the abused will become the abusers. He finds himself in Philistine and pulls THE SAME FUCKING BULLSHIT his dad did when he was here last, despite that he must know that Abilimech will not murder some chosen guy of Yahweh for his wife.

Now, Abilimech sees Isaac groping his wife, and concludes that she's his wife, not his sister. Frankly, I don't know why he comes to that conclusion. After all, Abraham had no problem fonding and even having sex with his sister. Anyway, Abilemech gets pissed off because the same shit as before might have happened again. But this King of the Philistines is no fool, and just goes out to the people and reminds them not to touch this couple, or they'll be killed.
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15-10-2011, 05:11 PM (This post was last modified: 15-10-2011 08:22 PM by cufflink.)
RE: Reading the Brick Testament
(15-10-2011 02:44 PM)Sines Wrote:  The Brick Testament is essentially another version of the standby "Have you actually read your Bible?" It illustrates stories in a way that explicitly draw attention to the atrocities and absurdities, by having the images focus on these, while taking no liberties with the stories (Except, of course, his lack of interpretation. Silly atheists and their primitive biblical understanding...). It's lovingly subversive.

Very astute analysis.

My favorite tableau--so far--is the one for Gen. 34:24, in the "Rape of Dinah" narrative: the men of Shechem standing in line to get the ends of their penises lopped off, the expressions on their faces, the bin of severed foreskins . . . Delicious! Big Grin

ETA: Your comment on Gen. 22: "It's the child-murdering thought that counts."

Man, you're good.

Religious disputes are like arguments in a madhouse over which inmate really is Napoleon.
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05-11-2011, 07:32 PM
RE: Reading the Brick Testament
Been reading more. Haven't been posting anything here because it really slows me down. But still, this gem is so incredible, I had to share it here.

What gem?


Seriously, Joshua makes Yahweh look a gentleman! The entire book is, basically, Joshua goes to a city, murders EVERYONE, hangs their kings on a tree for a day, and moves on to do the exact same thing 22 or so more times. I mean, at least Yahweh has done a couple of nice things for the jews (Always with catches, but hey...), but all Joshua does is murder, murder, murder, murder, murder.

Really, reading it, its started to remind me of 1984. Y'see, in 1984, a large point of the story is that mankind has lost. Imagine a boot crushing mankind underneath it for eternity. That's the same air I'm getting from the Book of Joshua. Stories about the destruction of empires tend to go one of two ways. Either "Joshua went to the Whateverites and slew everyone. Not one of them lived or escaped," or we get a more involved narrative.

The more involved narratives usually involve the poor bastards about to be slaughtered attempting to do ANYTHING so that they don't die. At the very end, the last two kingdoms unite, and their armies are said to number as the grains of sand in the desert. A vast army, the last hope of the people of the promised land, united together in the final battle to battle the unstoppable Isrealite Empire. And I'm almost thinking, "Okay, here is where the final battle results in a phyrric victory for the good guys," but I know better. This is the fucking bible, and worse, it's the fucking fucking murdering, fucking, goodness-mocking fucking fucking Book of Joshua. Joshua and his army murder them all.

Only ONE civilization, the Gibeonites, makes it out alive. They trick the Isrealites into signing a peace treaty with them. They explicitly deceive the Isrealites into thinking they are merely travelers from a far-away land. And, for some reason, the Isrealites make peace with them instead of murdering them for their meager food. I guess Joshua was in a good mood that day. Anyway, three days later, he finds out that these guys were a bunch of damn liars, and they live in the city Joshua was about to slaughter.

Now, imagine you are a ruthless killing machine. You've destroyed three civilizations, leaving nothing alive, and burning the city itself to the ground, and then decreeing that any who build there will have their families slaughtered (Why kill them if you weren't planning on taking their land?). And now, the people you were about to kill have tricked you into signing a peace treaty under false pretenses. So what do you do?

Apparently, Joshua may be a genocidal monster, who murders men, women and children by the thousands, and then murders their livestock and burns their cities to the ground out of spite, but he's not a barbarian! Yes, apparently, genocide is okay, but breaking your oath, even when you only made it after you were decieved, is not acceptable. So, Joshua settles for merely making slaves of that nation.

*sigh* This is the most disgusting thing I've ever read. At least when Yahweh flooded the whole Earth, he said it was because mankind was wicked and evil. At least when he murdered the Isrealites, it was because they had disobeyed or cheeked to him. He may not have had good reasons, and killed plenty of innocents in the crossfire, but at least he had reasons. Book of Joshua? The crimes of these people is LITERALLY "Being here" There's nothing else. It's not like Yahweh said, "Joshua, these people that settle in the land I give unto you are wicked. Make no treaty with them, for they do evil." No justification at all. They're in the Isrealites spot, so they murder them all. No offers to get the hell out and we won't kill you (Fuck you Craig). No peaceful coexistence. No letting them attempt to run away to safety even. They hunted down anyone who tried to run away. The reason they didn't murder the Gibeonites was because they told them they were from far away. Joshua even said that he could not treat with anyone in the land they wanted, and only agreed to do so after he was convinced they weren't from around here.

So, the book of Joshua can be summed up as "The Isrealites slaughter hundreds of thousands for the crime of existing in the wrong place." The only reason Joshua isn't more evil than Yahweh is because this is all with Yahweh's say so. But this is by far the worst thing Yahweh has done yet. He's gone from killing people for breaking his random, arbitrary laws, to just killing people with absolutely no provocation or crime to their names.

If you want to show the evils of the bible, go to the book of Joshua. Also known as the book where the evil empire wins.
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06-11-2011, 12:08 AM (This post was last modified: 06-11-2011 12:13 AM by Sines.)
RE: Reading the Brick Testament
Why not. More stuff. Judges seems to be a very simple book. Isrealites do evil, God gives them to those tribes the Isrealites completely wiped out before (At least I think it's the same tribes. I could be wrong, but if Yahweh can kill the livestock of Egypt three separate times, he can make his 'chosen people' get taken over by completely wiped out civilizations), then a champion rises, they throw off oppression, lather rinse repeat. Except the shampoo is blood.

"So, your gods don't try to kill you or tell you to kill other people?"


Seriously Yahweh, the Isrealites wouldn't run off and worship every god they came across if you'd stop murdering them for five seconds.

Ehud. Assassin. Chosen of Yahweh. Toilet Escape Artist.

I... I'm shocked. There's a woman here, and she's not a wife, a slave, or a whore. In fact, she's called a prophet, and appears to also serve as a Judge. I'm... uh... Wow. I really have nothing to say. This is the first time a woman has appeared in the Bible and not been property or a prostitute. Not only that, but she had a great deal of sway and power. And spoke for Yahweh (Fuck you Paul and your 'no women preachers'). Uhm. Alright. Fine. You win this time Bible. But the score is still Multiple Genocide to One. You've got a lot of work to do if you want to get back in my good graces. And try not to commit genocide along the way, eh?

"If Baal is a god, let him fight for himself." Uh, Joash? You... uh... are aware of the history of your people right? All those times Yahweh sent in the Isrealites instead of just killing all of them via holy lasers? If Yahweh is a god... let him fight the battles of the Isrealites. Dumbass.

Also "That day, Gideon's father named him Jerub-Baal, because he had said, 'Let Baal fight, for it was his altar that was destroyed.'" Wow. So does that mean we should all call Reagan "Tear Down" because he had said "Tear Down This Wall!" Cultural differences, I s'pose, but it seems odd to rechristen a son because of a zinger.

Okay, so Tear Down says to Yahweh that he needs a sign from him. He left out some wool, and said he'd be happy to see if it was covered in dew in the morning, while the floor was dry. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD YOU'VE TALKED TO YAHWEH YOURSELF! JUST FUCKING TALK TO HIM! WHAT THE FUCK IS IT WITH ALL THESE GODDAMN SIGNS!


Reading the Bible: A cure for low blood pressure

Yahweh: Hey, Tear Down. You got too many people. If you win this battle, you'll all think you did it on your own, and I can't have you not being dependent on me. So, ask the pussies to leave.

Tear Down: Alright.

Yahweh: Hmm... still too many. First off, not nearly enough of your people are scared shitless all the time. You should fix that. But I digress. Send your people to the river to drink. The guys that get down and lap the water like dogs? Those are your warriors. I have specifically chosen the dumbest men, who do not know how to use their hands, to fight this battle, because then everyone will know how friggin' sweet I am.

Tear Down: So... you want to win this battle basically on your own, without the help of the Isrealites?

Yahweh: Yup.

Tear Down: So... why do you even need those three hundred morons?

Yahweh: What do you mean?

Tear Down: If Yahweh is a god, let him fight the Midianites himself.

Yahweh: I am so inventing Hell now.

Yahweh: Fucker is right though (Not that that will save him from eternal torment, how dare he show me up). Alright, I'll just have the midianites go crazy and slaughter each other.

Okay, portions of that might have been made up by me.

'You killed my brothers. If you had spared them, I would not have killed you.'

Okay, who here buys this story? Raise your hands.

You... in the back. Get the hell out of my classroom, you haven't actually been reading this book, have you?

Gideon had seventy sons through many wives. Traditional Biblical marriage. Between one badass warrior, and his 10 wives. Oh, and a concubine. Who also bore one of his sons.

Abimelech demands to be killed by one of his men, lest he die from having a millstone dropped on him by a woman. Alright Bible, I tried to be nice. I'm taking back that one point of yours. Not to mention you've also added a few more genocides to your count.

Also, nobody likes kill stealers.

*sigh* Isreal, I understand why you want to worship other gods. They aren't constantly killing you. I get it. But haven't you noticed that Yahweh only tends to kill you more when you ignore him? Or sell you into slavery? Listen, you should all just have a meeting, and decide whether you'd rather worship the god who murders you on occasion, but leaves you mostly free, or if you'd prefer to be in slavery worshipping the Gods of Harvest, and Fertility, and Not-Genocide. You're like the American public, constantly going back and forth between democrat and republican, forgetting that they both suck.

"Then the Israelites cried out to Yahweh, saying 'We have sinned against you, forsaking our God and worshipping the Baals.'"

So... uh... your chosen people are worshipping "The Baals," eh? Was Yahweh mad at them for apostasy, or homosexuality...

"Stupid Isrealites... I... I don't wanna be your god anyway." Who knew Yahweh was the type to pout?

Yahweh grows tired of watching the Isrealites suffer. Wow. So, this means Yahweh was enjoying watching them suffer, eh? For 18 years, by the way. And I thought Yahweh spent a long time laughing after he drowned the whole Earth, but that was only four months. Just goes to show, when the wicked die, it's only about 2% as funny as when you torture your chosen people.

The story of Jephthah. The fucker that murdered his own daughter. I'm sure we all know this one. For those of you who don't, it's like the story of Abraham and Isaac. Only no-one stops him. Yahweh lets this child-killer go through with it. And what the hell did he think was going to happen? The first thing to greet him when he came home? Was he hoping for the dog? He had to know there was a good chance, if not a very high chance, that he'd be sacrificing a family member. I hate this book. I really do. It wouldn't be so bad if it were just some ancient book of ancient stories. But it's not. It's supposed to be a great moral guide. And yet it's filled with genocide, rape, genocide, deceit, genocide, torture, genocide, child-murder, and genocide. And I might even then forgive it, if it were just that people didn't know what was in it. But they do. They damn well do. And they don't care.

It's supposed to be metaphorical? Let's say, for sake of argument it is. Metaphor for what? What lesson is it supposed to teach us? And is Yahweh such a fucking dumbass that he couldn't think of a metaphor that doesn't look like he supports mass-death?

I'm stopping now. I'm pretty pissed off. Most of it is just absurd stupidity, and I can laugh at it, but every now and then... guh. Makes me want to beat William Lane Craig to death with my bare hands. As long as I claim that Yahweh told me to do it, he can't say it's immoral.

And they say video games make you violent...
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06-11-2011, 11:59 AM (This post was last modified: 10-11-2011 08:06 PM by Sines.)
RE: Reading the Brick Testament
Y'know, I've come to a conclusion. The Israelites were not just a bunch of typical violent ancient barbarians. I had assumed that the Israelites were products of their time. No more barbaric and primitive than the surrounding civilizations.

Boy, was I wrong.

The Israelites murder a bunch of innocent people for their land. They were explicitly said to be peaceful and unsuspecting. They were just minding their own business, but peacefulness is a sign of weakness. So the Israelis wiped them out. It's become clear that the Israelis were far more savage than the other people of their time.

Think about it. Book of Joshua, what do they do? War a lot. And what do they do with the people they war with? Hunt down and kill every single one.

Book of Judges, Yahweh regularly delivers the Israelites into the hands of various kingdoms. Now the tables are turned, and the conquerors are the conquered. And what do these other civilizations do? Make slaves of them. This is hardly a good thing, but the portrayal of these hebrew slaves seems to be fairly tame, they have their own houses and property, even. Now, slavery is bad no matter how you slice it, but back then, slavery and peasantry probably weren't that much different. And when compared to genocide, it comes out far ahead.

According to 3vidence, a youtuber with an excellent series of videos, Yahweh, back when he was an admitted single god amongst many, was the god of war. And so, the devotees of Yahweh were a bunch of warring bastards. As compared to the gods of fertility, who had temple prostitutes. So basically, the Hebrews weren't just barbarians by our standards... they were barbarians by the standards of their time. The Hebrews were so evil and vicious, they make the 'merely' slave owning neighbor civilizations look idyllic by comparison.

Congratulations Bible, I knew you were a collection of horrid, ancient morality, but you've managed to convince me that you weren't even a good idea in your own time.

What would the world be like if those gods of harvest and fertility ended up in a Yahweh-style monotheistic religion? I'm sure it would still cause problems, but, really, would a religion grounded in life be even slightly as bad as a religion grounded in war, death and blood? If the Hebrews could see those 'god is love' type christians now. They'd stone them to death. With Yahwehs permission and blessings.

EDIT: Book of Samuel. On the plus side, first actual narrative in the bible, so it's not just endless lists of laws, murder or 'this totally happened'. On the other hand, it's confirmed some points.

Yahweh orders the obliterations of the Amelekites. Saul saves some of the animals to sacrifice to Yahweh, but Yahwehs pissed that he didn't kill everything then and there, so he rejects and curses Saul. Much later, David is going around being a general badass, and finds that some Amelekites (Who aren't all dead, I guess) have raided a village. CAPTURING everyone there. When David finds them? He KILLS all of them. And David has been one of the nicer Isrealite leaders. But it just goes to show, that other civilizations take prisoners. The Hebrews didn't. Yahweh wants everything fucking dead.
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