Realism or Being Realistic, why does it offend people?
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04-02-2016, 07:11 AM
RE: Realism or Being Realistic, why does it offend people?
Sometimes people will get offended when a suggestion is presented without sentimentality. That could be one reason for the reaction. Often also when people say, "I'm just being honest/realistic," they follow some kind of objective assessment with a subjective put down. For example: "I'm just being honest: you're fat, so nobody is going to want to fuck you." That statement combines a fact, fatness, with an opinion that is both hurtful and untrue, since there are lots (must…not…say...tons) of fat people who are happily dating and married.

People have different levels of resilience and ability to change their circumstances, but I believe most people can change when they realize their behaviors are leading to results they don't want. In that case, honest feedback can be useful--but only if the person can hear it as an attack on the problem and not as an attack on themselves. It's a problem of tone, often, rather than content.

Of course the above assumes that one's intent is to help or support, rather than just to comment. I don't think there's anything at all wrong with the opinion you expressed as an opinion, and indeed I agree with your conclusion, but starting with maybe he's an ass makes it hard for the person being advised to absorb much past that opening statement.

"Accept your circumstance, you aren't partner material, so figure a way to get on with your life without a relationship" is indeed advice, and perhaps realistic, but if I was the person seeking help, I would need something different to make a move in that or any direction. (For example: help in assessing my dating patterns to figure out why the relationships were petering out or questions that would help assess whether being in a long-term relationship was really important to me or if it was just something I thought I should be in because of social expectations, etc.)

ETA: it is interesting to me that a bunch of people got offended when your comments weren't even about the person you responded to, but about the situation s/he described involving someone else.
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04-02-2016, 07:43 AM
RE: Realism or Being Realistic, why does it offend people?
I wouldn't say you were harsh at all. You just said it as you see it. I can be very outspoken and say things straight out, no pussyfooting around. On occassion I will use tact, depending on the situation.

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04-02-2016, 09:19 AM
RE: Realism or Being Realistic, why does it offend people?
Sounds like a response I might give... So nope, not seeing the problem.

There are a lot less touchy feels types on TTA. Seems not to be the case with your ahem mistress forum.

In addition to your maybe he's an ass or boring (sooooo totally would have said that myself) comments:
Maybe he is a bad kisser. Has bad body odor or stinky breath. Has some little eccentricities that are too much to handle - like being OCD and having to pick in between each tooth with a toothpick 5 times after dinner. Or maybe he comes on too strong and starts talking future when she's just trying to decide if fugly is worth a romp in the sack cause it's been a while since she's been laid. Maybe he's impotent. Maybe he has no sense of humor. Maybe he's rude to the waiters and sends his food back over stupid shit and doesn't leave tips. Maybe he tries to get her to meet his mom on date three. Maybe he gives off a pervy vibe because he's thinking sexy thoughts and has zero game. Maybe he has weird kinks and wants to dress up in adult diapers and the ladies are like wtf?! Who the hell knows?

I wouldn't say all those things exactly like that to a person who directly asked me about themselves. But if a friend is asking why the hell should I use kid gloves. Especially an online stranger.

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04-02-2016, 09:22 AM
RE: Realism or Being Realistic, why does it offend people?
(04-02-2016 04:18 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Yes a friend. . . sure.

No really I don't know. I don't think there was anything bad about your answer it's not like you claimed it was facts just stuff that it could be. Was it on this site? because if it were then I'd understand it if the thread was located in the personal issues and support part of the forum.

No, just a women's forum. We discuss everything from gardening to MIL issues to what pretty houses are on the market. Just a bunch of females chatting and a few males who pop in from time to time.

A regular anonymous fo for women.

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04-02-2016, 09:25 AM
RE: Realism or Being Realistic, why does it offend people?
(04-02-2016 05:38 AM)Thumpalumpacus Wrote:  Unrealistic people get butthurt by realists. It's a sad fact of life.

I'm a realist. I'm not that good-looking, I don't have much money, and my good qualities aren't apparent at first glance. I don't expect a line at the door. It doesn't offend me when someone points out the obvious.

Is there someone for me? I doubt it. Why others are offended at straightforward thinking ... beats me, maybe reality scares them.

Exactly! I know my strengths and weakness and that's fine, I don't have a problem working with what I have or moving on. But I came to terms with "I'm me and that's it" a long time ago. I just don't have the energy to keep up rose colored glasses, I guess.

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04-02-2016, 09:28 AM
RE: Realism or Being Realistic, why does it offend people?
(04-02-2016 06:12 AM)onlinebiker Wrote:  I dunno...

There's another component you may not know........

Some people (and I've seen this -- my sister was married to one) -- SEEM like the nicest people- - when you first meet them......
'
And, after they get to know you, and get comfortable--- they change.........

In the case of my EX brother-in-law -- he seemed like a really nice guy -- and everyone liked him.... (I never did quite trust him.... his eyes didn't line up with his smile, if ya know what I mean.... Sorta like a politician looking for votes...) But -- after a few years of marriage -- he became a morose fucker around my sister, whenever they were together alone......'

She said it was almost a Jekyll/Hyde sort of thing. He'd be a real asshole, and somebody would walk in, and he'd turn into the nicest guy........

She stayed married to him for 25 years....... (She's one of those "till death do us part" xtians....)

So, ya never know --- it's totally possible there's other stuff going on, that you, and they - don't know about.....

True, I've met people like that. Kind of creepy.

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04-02-2016, 09:38 AM
RE: Realism or Being Realistic, why does it offend people?
(04-02-2016 07:11 AM)julep Wrote:  Sometimes people will get offended when a suggestion is presented without sentimentality. That could be one reason for the reaction. Often also when people say, "I'm just being honest/realistic," they follow some kind of objective assessment with a subjective put down. For example: "I'm just being honest: you're fat, so nobody is going to want to fuck you." That statement combines a fact, fatness, with an opinion that is both hurtful and untrue, since there are lots (must…not…say...tons) of fat people who are happily dating and married.

People have different levels of resilience and ability to change their circumstances, but I believe most people can change when they realize their behaviors are leading to results they don't want. In that case, honest feedback can be useful--but only if the person can hear it as an attack on the problem and not as an attack on themselves. It's a problem of tone, often, rather than content.

Of course the above assumes that one's intent is to help or support, rather than just to comment. I don't think there's anything at all wrong with the opinion you expressed as an opinion, and indeed I agree with your conclusion, but starting with maybe he's an ass makes it hard for the person being advised to absorb much past that opening statement.

"Accept your circumstance, you aren't partner material, so figure a way to get on with your life without a relationship" is indeed advice, and perhaps realistic, but if I was the person seeking help, I would need something different to make a move in that or any direction. (For example: help in assessing my dating patterns to figure out why the relationships were petering out or questions that would help assess whether being in a long-term relationship was really important to me or if it was just something I thought I should be in because of social expectations, etc.)

ETA: it is interesting to me that a bunch of people got offended when your comments weren't even about the person you responded to, but about the situation s/he described involving someone else.

Very wise words. I can and do make an effort to be tactful, occasionally, when it's needed and suits me. ... okay, not all that often. Smile

I agree, I could have started off with something more tactful and then moved into the "ass" comment.

Since it was a third party thing I didn't feel the need to do so.... that they got their bunches hard-on is not that surprising, because, you know, the internet, it's full of well.... people. :/

Thx

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04-02-2016, 09:48 AM
RE: Realism or Being Realistic, why does it offend people?
(04-02-2016 09:19 AM)Nurse Wrote:  Sounds like a response I might give... So nope, not seeing the problem.

There are a lot less touchy feels types on TTA. Seems not to be the case with your ahem mistress forum.

In addition to your maybe he's an ass or boring (sooooo totally would have said that myself) comments:
Maybe he is a bad kisser. Has bad body odor or stinky breath. Has some little eccentricities that are too much to handle - like being OCD and having to pick in between each tooth with a toothpick 5 times after dinner. Or maybe he comes on too strong and starts talking future when she's just trying to decide if fugly is worth a romp in the sack cause it's been a while since she's been laid. Maybe he's impotent. Maybe he has no sense of humor. Maybe he's rude to the waiters and sends his food back over stupid shit and doesn't leave tips. Maybe he tries to get her to meet his mom on date three. Maybe he gives off a pervy vibe because he's thinking sexy thoughts and has zero game. Maybe he has weird kinks and wants to dress up in adult diapers and the ladies are like wtf?! Who the hell knows?

I wouldn't say all those things exactly like that to a person who directly asked me about themselves. But if a friend is asking why the hell should I use kid gloves. Especially an online stranger.

Yay! Clap See now THAT was what I was thinking and I toned it down a bit because of the "feels" types. Laugh out load

Yeah, perfect about the bad kisser thing. That is a NO-GO in my books. Lots of bits can be overlooked for good kissing but it's really really hard to teach that shit at an advanced age (by 18 if you ain't got that down and wore out 6 pillows and a few bf/gf's lips by then, you're just about toast, unless you're very enthusiastic and teachable). But what you say is correct, there could be a variety of small things that just put women off him that maybe the friend doesn't see.

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04-02-2016, 10:43 AM
RE: Realism or Being Realistic, why does it offend people?
(04-02-2016 03:43 AM)Gilgamesh Wrote:  To truly be a realist, though, one must disassociate absolutely from the biological imperative for social-connectedness.

"Dissociate from the biological imperative", eh?

I don't think imperative means what you think it means.

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04-02-2016, 10:52 AM
RE: Realism or Being Realistic, why does it offend people?
(04-02-2016 10:43 AM)cjlr Wrote:  
(04-02-2016 03:43 AM)Gilgamesh Wrote:  To truly be a realist, though, one must disassociate absolutely from the biological imperative for social-connectedness.

"Dissociate from the biological imperative", eh?

I don't think imperative means what you think it means.

Biological imperatives are exactly what I think they are. Social grouping is a biological imperative.
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