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15-04-2015, 04:07 PM
RE: Redemption
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15-04-2015, 04:10 PM
RE: Redemption
(15-04-2015 10:11 AM)Ferdinand Wrote:  Something I've struggled with for a very long time is "breaking the cycle of loss." By loss, I don't necessarily mean death. I handle death pretty well. Or, well, better than others. By loss, I mean just flat out losing someone or some element of your life that you're so comfortable with. Something that you're so used to, you didn't even realize you accidentally made it the foundation of most of your happiness? You have the opportunity to keep that person or element in your life, but you just cant. And they leave. And I usually blame myself or figure something is really wrong with me because nothing is ever permanent, or as fixated as I want it to be.

Nothing ever lasts, no one ever stays.

Thursday night, I surrounded myself with an abundance of good friends. But there was one person in the midst of everyone that just kind of fucked me up and I had a break down. I ended up leaving the event early, and going home. Once home, I felt fine. I had some friends talk to me and comfort me before I left. "If you need anything man just call me, I'll be there." I listened, but I don't think I honestly believed them. I didn't want to bother them when they were having such a good night, so I kept to myself. After being home for a couple of hours, I gave into my thoughts and texted a person I probably shouldn't have. The hostility came out almost immediately, and it was almost heart breaking to realize that someone I'd given years of my life to respect and care about and befriend could so easily bury me alive. I was dirt. And I thought "If I can put so much work and effort into something, so much care into a person to make sure they're okay and alive, putting their well being before my own, and then for it to just end up like this, like nothing, then really what's the point?" I lost my best friend, and something I had poured so much of myself into, and in the end, I was left with absolutely nothing. I was left empty handed, with so many harmful things running through my head.

Have you ever done anything, and while you're doing whatever it is that you are, your mind is just... blank? You're not asking why or thinking of what it was that brought you to the point of doing your present actions, you're not thinking of anyone else, or yourself, or any consequences? You're just doing?

I lie to my housemates, drive to a store, return home and abruptly head to bed. Before falling asleep, I swallow 48 Benadryl and drink half a bottle of NyQuil.

I probably only slept for about 45 minutes before I sat up, disoriented as fuck, and puke all over the far side of my queen sized bed in about 3 or 4 intervals. The room is spinning, and I have to use the bathroom. I try to crawl across my big ass bed, which seemed a hell of a lot bigger than normal, but just end up hopelessly sitting in my vomit. "Fuck it." I wipe the vomit off of my leg with a blanket and lay back down.

I didn't even remember this bit until the next morning, but I started making a shit ton of phone calls to Steve and a few others. Finally get a friend to answer the phone, I tell him what I did, and he starts talking to me to calm me down. I'm dozing in and out of sleep, but I can still hear and somewhat comprehend the conversations we're having in my head. I give him some fucked up reply like "I don't know." and he's like "You don't know what?" and I'm like "Well you said ___" and he replies "No.... We haven't talked about any of that." So basically, the entire time I was dozing in and out, I was hallucinating the conversations I thought we were having.

Once I realize this, I start hallucinating my ass off.

The room is spinning like a mother fucker. My posters and shit flying and zooming all over the walls. I have a fire detector on one of my walls with a small red flashing light. I would stare at the light, and just watch it zoom across my walls. Listening to the silence, I could hear voices, people talking, but no TV's are on and everyone in my house is asleep but me.

I am scared shitless.

I weakly retreat from my room. Standing and walking is hard as fuck. I find my housemate and I'm like "I need to go to the hospital." I explain myself and we hurry out to the carport to leave. I walk up to the passenger side of the car and see a stray cat. Brown tabby with big gold eyes. I squat down and try to call it to me, attempting to pet it. My housemate is like "What are you doing...?" I'm like "Trying to pet this stray cat!" I move out of his way so that he can see the cat. When I turn back to the cat, it looks at me, and slowly fades/vanishes into the car port. The look on my housemate's face was terrified. I get in the car and I'm thinking to myself "Holy shit what have I done nothing is real."

We get to the hospital and I vomit again, in another 3 or 4 intervals. By now, I've involuntarily vomited the majority of Benadryl out of my system. I'm notified that in the state of Alabama, to threaten or attempt suicide is against the law, and I will be lawfully required to check into a psychiatric center.

I stay at a regular hospital for almost 2 days. Wasn't able to shower, the food was shit, and had to deal with blood work every 2 to 4 fucking hours. I'm informed I suffer from no dangerous liver damage, but I now have the potential to have seizures. Saturday, I'm taken by ambulance to a mental facility. Could only have three changes of clothes, nothing with strings, no personal belongings, and the items you have are kept under lock and key your entire visit. I was terrified. My emotions were uncontrollable. Before I leave for the ward, I call and explain everything to my biological father. He is shocked and upset and notifies the rest of my family. I enter the ward not knowing of what my family thinks, unable to speak to anyone and only scarcely allowed to make phone calls or have visitors.

I stay until Monday. The beds were shit. The food was shit. The showers were pressurized and hurt like shit. The first full day was the worst. I was terrified for a good half of the day before I became comfortable with a few of the people I had met. Some people were more sane than others. I met one lady who had a bad reaction to her menopause medication, had a panic attack and fell into an ant bed. I met another lady who scared herself but having a weird depression fit in her sleep, and another lady who was exactly like me, but she'd been through it all. She'd had a heart attack and stroke, and suffered from a lot of nerve damage in her body. She came from a broken, abusive home, had been abused and discriminated for being a homosexual, and had even been raped. She'd been through so much, but she was the sweetest human being I had ever met, and she helped me a lot through my stay. My roommate was a girl, only 22, olive skin, long dark black hair. Absolutely beautiful. She'd been doing meth for 6 months, and two hours after I left the facility, she was being moved to a detox center.

I hope they're all okay.

During my stay, I was evaluated by a psychiatrist three times. I went to five therapy sessions, spilled my life story countless times and created multiple safety plans. I realized a lot of things I had repressed for a while, and realized a lot of things that possibly contribute to my fears and downfalls. Such as how I always have really unrealistic, almost fairy-tale like expectations, and when my expectations fall apart, I land even harder when I hit the ground.

It's hard for me to put the experience and my visit into words. I definitely learned a lot, and am more thankful and grateful for my life and for all of the things I have at home. I've realized that I have a lot to live for, and regardless of the negatives in my life, there are always positives that should outweigh whatever is bringing me down, even if it's hard to take my mind off of the negatives. Since returning home, my mom has attempted to speak to me again, my family members are more in touch with me, and my aunt has offered to pay for counseling if I feel comfortable with it or desire it. It was suggested to me to start a journal in an attempt to help vent my feelings, instead of bottling them up like I normally do. I just really struggle with talking about my problems, so last night I bought this bad ass spiderman journal.

I felt like sharing this here as a way to just vent about the experience, because I know there are people here who have been in similar situations, or have wanted to take their own lives because the weight of all of the negative things in their lives weighs heavily. Whenever you're feeling down, make a list of all of the cons in your life. Then make another list of the pros in your life. If the cons outweigh the pros, make a list of all of the things you're looking forward to: People you want to meet, video games and movies and music you anticipate, children and grandchildren, graduations and marriages, etc.

There are always things to look forward to. There are always positives, regardless of how few you can name. There are always people who care.

Thank you, Ato and Anjele.

You know how to reach so any time.

Much love! Feel better.

(05-06-2017 04:14 PM)Gawdzilla Wrote:  Are you as ugly as you post? ...
And you can come get my guns if you'd like to try. I'll take you to the range and give you three rounds headstart.
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16-04-2015, 10:07 AM (This post was last modified: 16-04-2015 11:17 AM by ohio_drg.)
RE: Redemption
(15-04-2015 10:23 AM)ohio_drg Wrote:  I don't know you but..... Hug

I have so much I want to say but I will wait until this evening when I have time to type it. Your post deserves more than something I hurry through on my lunch break.

How I learned to not hate myself.

I grew up as essentially the bastard child that nobody wanted or expected. I was accused of ruining my mother’s life on a number of occasions. But that wasn’t the worst of it. I was second fiddle to my other siblings as a matter of fact I still am to this day. The one thing my upbringing has taught me were words hurt far more than fists. My mother’s family also poisoned my young mind on what type of person my father was essentially ruining any childhood relationship I should have had with him (this wasn’t fixed until my 20’s).

This treatment caused me to learn to isolate myself from others and only to depend on a very small number of people for everything. And this made it very easy for people to take advantage of my kindness and my desire to be liked and loved by someone, anyone. The more people took advantage of me the more I would isolate myself and look at myself as the cause of everything. It was a never ending spiral and to be perfectly honest I am not sure how I made it out of my teenage years. But I did.

The first thing I did was run. I ran away to the military to be exact. That was great for awhile, the sense of belonging and brotherhood probably saved me from myself at that time in my life. I very much loved military life. I would have stayed forever but unexpectedly I met my ex and had a son. I could not bear the thought of leaving him for months at a time so when my time was up I left military life (the first time I was happy) for him.

After discharge I moved home, (because I felt it was the right thing to do) so my son could have a normal family life. I even gave my mom several chances to be part of my son’s life but she was too busy going to bars to be bothered with that. My father on the other hand is amazing with my kids and in some ways it made me so angry to see that and know that all those formative years were stolen from me. This was one of the catalysts that caused me to end up in a situation much like yours. The other catalyst’s was a dear friend essentially shunning me for reasons I still do not know and more or less at exactly the same time my marriage fell apart.

I remember staring at my phone and at various pictures of my kids placed on a table and just wanting the torture to end. I kept asking myself why… Why do you hate me mom? Why don’t you want to talk to me anymore XXXXX? Why am I not good enough? Why…….? Why…? Why?

I picked up the phone and called a friend….. Voicemail….. Fuck. ‘This is XXX leave a message’….. The only words I said were “help me” and I dropped the phone. For the life of me I do not know how she got to my house so fast. But she did. And she stayed there and listened, and made me a grilled cheese sandwich (I was hungry), most importantly she didn’t judge and make me feel like I was any different than anyone else. After that I talked to people and put things in their proper perspective and moved on with my life.

It sounds like you have a good grasp on things and that you have a good support system full of people who care about you. Lean on them when needed and don’t be afraid to walk away from people who do not have a positive impact on your life. We are here for such a small amount of time that there is no point wasting any of it on people who are negative influences on our health or our well being. Nurture your brain and never stop learning.

Sorry if I went off an a bit of a rant. Just don't ever question your self worth, if others can't see your value than they have no business being in your life. There are countless others who will see your value and cherish it.
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17-04-2015, 05:37 AM
RE: Redemption
Yo cento, for your loss. Yo cento means I feel it. It's a good thing that energy is permanent even though it can have different forms. I like to think this energy that's keeping this body alive which can't be created nor destroyed is going to "gather" somewhere with the other energies. I'm just hoping.
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19-04-2015, 01:14 AM
RE: Redemption
sending love your way Heart

I am glad you were cognizant of the fact that you needed medical attention and got it. Had you not vomited a few times at home and instead went unconscious ....well, ....I'm am glad no damage was done.

Journaling is a great idea, its a great way to get your troubles out. I would also suggest to journal through good times as well. Often times I would flip back and see little things (went to coffee with friend, laughed about stuff at work) and those little teeny tiny moments would bring me the biggest smiles. Don't use it to just get thru the shitty stuff, use it to record the good as well, over time, you will also see progress made in your attitude and behavior.

hang in there kid, we like having you around.

"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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19-04-2015, 07:02 AM
RE: Redemption
(17-04-2015 05:37 AM)jballadarez Wrote:  Yo cento, for your loss. Yo cento means I feel it. It's a good thing that energy is permanent even though it can have different forms. I like to think this energy that's keeping this body alive which can't be created nor destroyed is going to "gather" somewhere with the other energies. I'm just hoping.

Yo cento looks really similar to the Spanish Lo siento- is it from another Romance language?

Atheism is the only way to truly be free from sin.
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