Regarding Prayer and the Lottery
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14-04-2017, 03:20 PM
RE: Regarding Prayer and the Lottery
I pray when I have either an anxiety attack or a depressive episode. In those times, my thoughts are already in a rut way outside the realm of logic. Usually, it's either I become terrified that anything bad that's ever happened to a person in history could happen to my kids and in fact COULD ALREADY HAVE HAPPENED TO THEM RIGHT NOW AND YOU JUST DON'T KNOW IT YET or that I don't have enough lungs to scream as much as I need to because of how dark I feel. In those cases, I defy anyone with a sliver of empathy to tell me not to use whatever the fuck it takes to keep going, you know? Especially when one of those moments happens in a meeting or while driving on the freeway. So I pray to keep my kids safe or help me hold on until the moment passes because, in both cases, I know perfectly well that there's no one on Earth with more agency in those areas than I have. Obviously, I also know perfectly well that neither of those things is Actually True™. But since that line of defense failed a long time before, the only thing to help me (that doesn't make me too non-functional to drive or work) is the idea that just maybe there is some power that we haven't seen because there are functionally infinite discoveries still to be made, and I can hope that that power can somehow hear me and do something about it, and I call that power God because that's the name I was taught. I suppose it stands to reason that I really liked learning about the theory that the Hebrew word for God is YHWH because in the correct, original pronunciation, it sounds like breathing. (Note: the only way I could be less of an authority on that subject is if I actively went to the library and scribbled over the research in crayon.)
So I'm absolutely the kind of church-er who only talks to God when I need something and doesn't have real faith in between. That's okay; I forgive myself. The only kind of God I'd be willing to believe in would forgive me, also. But I also talk to my LotRO main character, sometimes, too, and my dad, and sometimes the star people from Return to Witch Mountain. Hey, I never said I wasn't crazy. I'm just not actually under the impression that any of them talk back to me, and either way, I still need to hold a job and pay bills, so I just try to compartmentalize the crazy to get on with my day.
Oh, I also pray--although rarely to any specific entity--to be able to get through something, or to learn how to be okay with something, or to come to a decision on something. In those cases, I'm talking to whatever part of me may have an input on that. Call it my conscious, call it my sub-conscious, call it my "higher self", or call it "God/Jesus guiding me in my heart". I mean, I don't, but the idea is fundamentally the same.
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14-04-2017, 04:48 PM
RE: Regarding Prayer and the Lottery
(14-04-2017 03:20 PM)kmc Wrote:  I pray when I have either an anxiety attack or a depressive episode. In those times, my thoughts are already in a rut way outside the realm of logic. Usually, it's either I become terrified that anything bad that's ever happened to a person in history could happen to my kids and in fact COULD ALREADY HAVE HAPPENED TO THEM RIGHT NOW AND YOU JUST DON'T KNOW IT YET or that I don't have enough lungs to scream as much as I need to because of how dark I feel. In those cases, I defy anyone with a sliver of empathy to tell me not to use whatever the fuck it takes to keep going, you know? Especially when one of those moments happens in a meeting or while driving on the freeway. So I pray to keep my kids safe or help me hold on until the moment passes because, in both cases, I know perfectly well that there's no one on Earth with more agency in those areas than I have. Obviously, I also know perfectly well that neither of those things is Actually True™. But since that line of defense failed a long time before, the only thing to help me (that doesn't make me too non-functional to drive or work) is the idea that just maybe there is some power that we haven't seen because there are functionally infinite discoveries still to be made, and I can hope that that power can somehow hear me and do something about it, and I call that power God because that's the name I was taught. I suppose it stands to reason that I really liked learning about the theory that the Hebrew word for God is YHWH because in the correct, original pronunciation, it sounds like breathing. (Note: the only way I could be less of an authority on that subject is if I actively went to the library and scribbled over the research in crayon.)
So I'm absolutely the kind of church-er who only talks to God when I need something and doesn't have real faith in between. That's okay; I forgive myself. The only kind of God I'd be willing to believe in would forgive me, also. But I also talk to my LotRO main character, sometimes, too, and my dad, and sometimes the star people from Return to Witch Mountain. Hey, I never said I wasn't crazy. I'm just not actually under the impression that any of them talk back to me, and either way, I still need to hold a job and pay bills, so I just try to compartmentalize the crazy to get on with my day.
Oh, I also pray--although rarely to any specific entity--to be able to get through something, or to learn how to be okay with something, or to come to a decision on something. In those cases, I'm talking to whatever part of me may have an input on that. Call it my conscious, call it my sub-conscious, call it my "higher self", or call it "God/Jesus guiding me in my heart". I mean, I don't, but the idea is fundamentally the same.

This is how I deal with what you describe.

Like you and many others there are times I find it hard to just get out of bed. Most of it has to do with my job and what it entails. Working for 23 years on the FD will do that to you and seeing and having to do things that no one should ever have to see or do will take a toll on you. I carry that baggage and will for the rest of my life. I'd never let many of the people know some of the feelings that I have but I imagine that many feel the same way I do on the FD. There are mornings while driving to work that I just want to turn the car around and call in sick. But I don't. Sometimes I wonder how I'm still standing due to the amount of stress the job entails.

But I came across this awhile back and it kind of struck a chord with me. The song starts with a voicemail message and is bookended with a second voicemail. The first voicemail is distraught and the ending voicemail the next day is the same person that worked it out. I could give you how the song came about (and it is an interesting story) but it's irrelevant to my point. The point is... when you feel like everything is crashing down on you take a step back, breath, and work through it. That's how I do it. Music plays a huge part in my life since I've played the guitar since I was 13.

Anyway... Here's the song. Listen to the lyrics and know that everything will be okay in the end.





Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If its a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything
Everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
And know your name
Go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own)
Are the things that make you panic (Know your name)
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Hold your own
Know your name
Go your own way.

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own)
Are the things that make you panic (Know your name)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine? (Go your own way)
Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own)
Hell no reason go on and scream (Know your name)
If youre shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

I get to decide what my life looks like, not the other way around.
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