Relationship Issues - My GF Always Plays Victim
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07-01-2016, 03:32 PM (This post was last modified: 07-01-2016 03:43 PM by TheLogicalAthiest.)
Relationship Issues - My GF Always Plays Victim
Hello everyone,

I am pissed at my girlfriend right now and I thought I would post here as I posted here last time for advice and people gave me some great feedback and support.

Me and my girlfriend are currently in a long distance relationship. It increasingly seems like I am putting the majority of the effort into our relationship and that she is ungrateful and cannot take any criticism.

We have started to argue more frequently, the latest argument being the following...

Today I expressed to her that I felt I was being taken for granted, that I am becoming her personal entertainer on Skype and that I wanted her to change. She is having a hard time at home currently, she nearly cried this morning yet she always claims she is okay. I have told her so many times these past few months that she can come to me about anything and I will listen and support her but she never has. She keeps everything to herself. I on the other hand am very open and I will share my feeling with her. It's a struggle for her to tell me anything personal, even simple things. That is her personality though and that is not what has me angry, although I really would like her to feel confident opening up to me, it does frustrate me that she treats me like some stranger in regards to her personal feelings.

Her communication is quite poor in my opinion, when we were in person if we would go out for dinner, I would honestly expect her not to say much and that I would do all the talking. Another negative aspect is that she hardly ever asks about me. Here is an example of a recent text conversation:

Her: Hey (She can't even make the effort to ask a question)
Me: Hey (I am at the stage where I am not going to make any more effort if she clearly can't.)
Her: Hey you
Me: Hey you too
Her: Hey LogicalAthiest
Me: How are you? (I finally ask a question because its getting stupid)
Her: Good thanks
Me: Great
Her: Smile (notice she never bothered to ask me how I was, she never asks me about my day either even though I ask her)
/end of chat. (I could talk more but I am not wasting my time with someone who can't even hold a basic conversation.)

The same on Skype nowadays, I try and be upbeat and try and get us to do some fun stuff together. She is often negative towards it or halfheartedly takes part, like reading a story in the most mundane way possible.

This morning she was upset about how her parents are stressing her and so I gave her my support and found an article online which encourages closed up people like her to take the first step and open up to the one they love. As what is becoming usual. I got no reply, no thank you, no nothing. (There are many other situations where it seems like she is ungrateful. Like when I pay for dinner out and she doesn't thank me.) It comes to the late afternoon (she is in SE Asia so her timezone) and I ring her to ask how she is doing because she was upset this morning. She text me saying she was in the car on the way home so she couldn't answer. I tell her to ring me when she gets home if she can so we can talk. I don't get any reply to this and it comes to midnight her time. I text her asking how she is and then how come she didn't ring me. She said that she did ring me, I said that I got no notification and that it was ignorant to ignore my efforts to support her etc. I texted her explaining exactly how she has made me feel, all the sorts of things I have mentioned in this post and more...

I look on her twitter 30 minutes ago and she has posted a passive aggressive tweet relating to our text conversation saying that she had to read the texts multiple times and she found it 'unreal'. I was so angry, how can she think that it is unbelievable that I might feel this way about her actions. Any criticism and she gets pissed off. I don't expect her to text me for at least a day, I expect her to ignore the messages I sent her that she claimed were 'unreal' and she hasn't even had the respect to reply to.

I feel as if she is trying to force me to dump her. I don't think she wants a relationship, it seems like she just want attention.

- Thanks for everyone who read all of this!

"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth." - Henry David Thoreau
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07-01-2016, 03:33 PM
RE: Relationship Issues - My GF Always Plays Victim
Were you the guy with the Muslim girlfriend in a different country?

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
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07-01-2016, 03:41 PM
RE: Relationship Issues - My GF Always Plays Victim
Without judging your situation, I'll just say that one thing that helped me in my relationship was to stop FORCING interaction. Depending on what type of people you are it just might not work. For the first 2 years I was with my girl I made a point to talk on the phone every night before bed. But eventually it just started being the same conversations "how are you" "what's on your mind" "anything interesting happen today?". It's nice and all, but it was often met with "I'm good, nothing much, not really". At one point I said we should stop doing this obligatory phone call and it was a very good move for us. We would simply text goodnight and then talk about stuff only if we had something to talk about.

For us, I felt like expecting a conversation to happen every night was unrealistic.

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
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07-01-2016, 03:45 PM
RE: Relationship Issues - My GF Always Plays Victim
(07-01-2016 03:33 PM)Adrianime Wrote:  Were you the guy with the Muslim girlfriend in a different country?

Yes, that is me Smile

"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth." - Henry David Thoreau
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07-01-2016, 03:48 PM
RE: Relationship Issues - My GF Always Plays Victim
(07-01-2016 03:41 PM)Adrianime Wrote:  Without judging your situation, I'll just say that one thing that helped me in my relationship was to stop FORCING interaction. Depending on what type of people you are it just might not work. For the first 2 years I was with my girl I made a point to talk on the phone every night before bed. But eventually it just started being the same conversations "how are you" "what's on your mind" "anything interesting happen today?". It's nice and all, but it was often met with "I'm good, nothing much, not really". At one point I said we should stop doing this obligatory phone call and it was a very good move for us. We would simply text goodnight and then talk about stuff only if we had something to talk about.

For us, I felt like expecting a conversation to happen every night was unrealistic.

I can understand that. I try and make an effort though, I always have suggestions for activities like we read stories to each other, play online games, watch movies, read our diaries etc. But she doesn't suggest much if at all and she engages in them half heartedly. Also, even if we don't have things to talk about, it doesn't not explain why she doesn't acknowledge my attempts to support her and will ignore my messages. I think she is ignorant.

"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth." - Henry David Thoreau
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07-01-2016, 04:10 PM
RE: Relationship Issues - My GF Always Plays Victim
If your relationship doesn't bring you joy, then why be in it?

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
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07-01-2016, 04:13 PM
RE: Relationship Issues - My GF Always Plays Victim
Honestly, you seem kind of high maintenance. This isn't a put down on you--everyone is different and some people like this type of situation. It just seems that you expect her to do xyz and when she doesn't, you call her ignorant or get mad at her because she isn't giving you *enough* attention. You're mad at her because she didn't ask How are you or thank you for giving her an article? That is being kinda petty, imo.

Maybe she feels a bit like you are trying to control her and that is coming out in her behavior. Maybe ease up a bit. Rships should be fun, supportive, loving, and relaxed. Everyone has bad days, you need to give people you love a pass sometimes and not take them on for every little thing. If there are things that she does that really bother you, by all means voice your concerns to her. If she doesn't change and it bothers you enough, then find someone else who is willing to give you the high level of attention you want. To me being in need of high doses of attention from a gf or bf seems like a lot of work and would no longer make the rship spontaneous and fun. But as I say, everyone is different. I would just think about what it is you want in a rship and if your gf isn't it, then it's time to find someone else.

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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07-01-2016, 04:20 PM
RE: Relationship Issues - My GF Always Plays Victim
Pretty sure JennyBee said the same thing about me TheLogicalAtheist, so don't be as offended as I was when she said it Tongue.

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
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07-01-2016, 04:23 PM
RE: Relationship Issues - My GF Always Plays Victim
(07-01-2016 04:13 PM)jennybee Wrote:  Honestly, you seem kind of high maintenance. This isn't a put down on you--everyone is different and some people like this type of situation. It just seems that you expect her to do xyz and when she doesn't, you call her ignorant or get mad at her because she isn't giving you *enough* attention. You're mad at her because she didn't ask How are you or thank you for giving her an article? That is being kinda petty, imo.

Maybe she feels a bit like you are trying to control her and that is coming out in her behavior. Maybe ease up a bit. Rships should be fun, supportive, loving, and relaxed. Everyone has bad days, you need to give people you love a pass sometimes and not take them on for every little thing. If there are things that she does that really bother you, by all means voice your concerns to her. If she doesn't change and it bothers you enough, then find someone else who is willing to give you the high level of attention you want. To me being in need of high doses of attention from a gf or bf seems like a lot of work and would no longer make the rship spontaneous and fun. But as I say, everyone is different. I would just think about what it is you want in a rship and if your gf isn't it, then it's time to find someone else.

Interesting, thank you for your perspective. It certainly made me think. I think I have an expectation for people saying thank you etc. Also, there are a lot of factors which have built up to form this argument we had today so maybe you can't appreciate it all but I am certainly open to your criticism that I may be too high maintenance. It puts a different perspective on it, maybe I can't get as angry with her now.

"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth." - Henry David Thoreau
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07-01-2016, 04:29 PM
RE: Relationship Issues - My GF Always Plays Victim
I know you are intending to be supportive to her, but it's not really supportive of someone going through a difficult time when the support comes along with rules/expectations. (Like expecting her to read a story to you in a certain way, or expecting her to start a text conversation a certain way, etc.) You guys may be in that cycle where each is trying to get along, but you still end up annoying and disappointing each other. You can get through a difficult time if there's a reason to--if it's a really strong relationship that both of you are committed to--but sometimes that's an indication that it's time to stop seeing that person and find someone who isn't so much work.

I think you might want to take a break from each other for a while, or else set aside some serious time, but just one day a week, to be together. Then you'll both have things to talk about and share and it will feel like a special occasion, not a burden.
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