Relationship bullshit
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16-05-2016, 08:40 AM
RE: Relationship bullshit
(16-05-2016 06:30 AM)Tomasia Wrote:  
(15-05-2016 10:46 PM)Holle03 Wrote:  . I've done worse Cool Ok my self comforting gallows humor aside I'm being completely serious, like I'm trying to weigh the cons and pros of faking well essentially part of my identity as my (lack of) belief in god is fundamental to me. I'm a emotional blob right now Weeping

So you basically want to go into the marriage built on a deliberate lie, in regards to something he sees as important? How long where you gonna keep it up? Wait up to ten years, than confess the whole thing? Or just act catholic for the rest of your life?

I adored this comment, the realization that I'd be having to be acting Catholic...is gross Shocking
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16-05-2016, 08:47 AM
RE: Relationship bullshit
(16-05-2016 05:20 AM)Heatheness Wrote:  I agree with the previous posts about honesty.

If you truly love him then deceiving him would not be something you would really want to do. Or is your love about your needs rather than his needs, if so that's not love. Just because he won't be your mate does not mean he can't be in your life. Relationships change all the time, it's imperative that they do to remain healthy. This issue is not him it's you. He has known you will not be his mate, you are just learning it. It's a shock because you had something built up in your mind that wasn't real and now the truth is in your face and can't be ignored.

Let it set in your mind a while. Imagine a different relationship with him as your lifelong friend and see how that feels for you. Yes, you may have a broken heart but in the end a relationship based on lies is doomed to fail, do you want that fallout to crush others, him, maybe children down the road? He is giving you the loving gift of honesty, you should do the same, for him and for yourself.

I'm sorry you're hurting but this will pass and there are others out there who'll love you for the person you are and not turn you away because you don't share their religious delusion. Be well.

I especially liked this comment, thank you. Particularly the first paragraph. The only thing is though I think I should clarify that there was indeed an actual relationship between us, we were/are(?) boyfriend and girlfriend, we've been intimate with each other. I guess I feel mildly deceived is all, like why on earth would you continue this relationship for so long knowing my hopes but knowing himself that he could never fulfill that? Facepalm

I appreciate all these comments though, they helped comfort me on a emotional level and made me realize 1. I'm repulsed my religion the faux religiousness would last about a week, 2. It'd be wrong of me. Dodgy
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16-05-2016, 09:51 AM
RE: Relationship bullshit
Emotions are very tricky and can be very powerful so it's ok to have those feelings. We just don't wanna see you go on a path where you could most likely end up hurting a lot more than you are now. You don't need or deserve that. You should be on a path that end with happiness and one you don't regret taking ya know.

"If you keep trying to better yourself that's enough for me. We don't decide which hand we are dealt in life, but we make the decision to play it or fold it" - Nishi Karano Kaze
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16-05-2016, 10:42 AM
RE: Relationship bullshit
when you find something out that is so different from your expectations, it can be devastating. I understand your shock.

I had a great friend from my childhood. She was a very close friend for 25 years and I was attracted to her for a period of time. As we went to college and afterwards, she changed to become religious even though she and her family had never shown any interest in religion. Ultimately, she married a fundie. It was devastating for a while to me. Her dad even said to me at the wedding "I expected you to be up there with her".

We are still friends but we just aren't as close as we used to be. If we entered that zone of friendship there would bound to be conflict over religion. I'd rather be friends (she is still a great person) than have the conflict.

So what does my experience say? It is better to have a friend without the conflict than a marriage with a fundamental flaw. He sounds like cares about you but he has a deeply held religious belief that will always be a stumbling block to a happy long term marriage. Don't let that ruin a friendship.

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored- Aldous Huxley
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16-05-2016, 06:41 PM
RE: Relationship bullshit
(15-05-2016 10:46 PM)Holle03 Wrote:  I'm heartbroken like seriously... I could really use some advice. The guy I've known for over two years, best friend and what you might consider casual boyfriend and I had a discussion. I always tease him about when he's going to ask to marry me, not that I'm actually expecting it anytime soon but simply because I would love to marry him in the future, well he might've just stabbed me in the stomach right then in there...he told me he could never marry me unless I became religious (specifically Catholic) Shocking We're both aware of each others beliefs (I obviously being an atheist) and him being religious up the wazoo Sadcryface but it just simply wasn't ever relevant to us to have much discussion about. He got pretty emotional and told me that we would always be friends and he'd always love me but he couldn't make that commitment if I didn't share his belief in god. Now now before my fellow sinners go screaming to get rid of him, typically I would I've had multiple people break up with me or threaten to (followed by me actually breaking up with them) because I'm an atheist, the issue is that this guy...well I can say I've never loved someone more, he was the one who has spent hours upon hours talking to me all night when I was suicidal, convincing me to keep going and to give life another chance (even avoiding the whole god loves you spiel for me), I can without any hesitation say I'd probably not be here right now to type this if it wasn't for him. I planned having a life with this guy and...it just got destroyed in a hour and 31 minute conversation. The thing is though, that instead of just simply sulking and hiding away until I wither into a lifeless corpse like I planned, I've actually been seriously thinking about well essentially faking being religious for him, I honestly could do it to I'm that kind of selfish Dodgy I mean... I've done worse Cool Ok my self comforting gallows humor aside I'm being completely serious, like I'm trying to weigh the cons and pros of faking well essentially part of my identity as my (lack of) belief in god is fundamental to me. I'm a emotional blob right now Weeping

He was honest with you. Be honest with him. It's possible that he simply cannot be in a relationship with somebody that doesn't hold similar beliefs. It sounds prejudiced but I know that I would have a difficult time being married to a devout evangelist. I doubt that I could do it.

(16-05-2016 08:47 AM)Holle03 Wrote:  The only thing is though I think I should clarify that there was indeed an actual relationship between us, we were/are(?) boyfriend and girlfriend, we've been intimate with each other. I guess I feel mildly deceived is all, like why on earth would you continue this relationship for so long knowing my hopes but knowing himself that he could never fulfill that? Facepalm

It may be that he has only realized this recently. It may be that he "didn't want to hurt you." It may be that he's a complete bastard but I'm thinking that sounds unlikely.

I'm glad to hear that the notions of false faith have burned away. I wonder if he knows how far you considered going for him.

At some point in the distant future when the pains have dulled to faint memories you should tell him. Not now, the wounds are too raw. Give it a year. Maybe more.

Until then Hug

---
Flesh and blood of a dead star, slain in the apocalypse of supernova, resurrected by four billion years of continuous autocatalytic reaction and crowned with the emergent property of sentience in the dream that the universe might one day understand itself.
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16-05-2016, 06:54 PM
RE: Relationship bullshit
I too would advise against pretending to convert. That is what my son did, pretended to convert to Catholicism, and it lasted 3 years. He is really a New Age believer, he is the one who sucked me into that belief system, and i lasted a couple of years.
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23-05-2016, 06:58 PM
RE: Relationship bullshit
I agree with everyone else. Don't fake it. As tough as it is, maybe you'll just learn to appreciate his honesty.
There's a chance that he never took you seriously about getting married before.
Does he know that you feel that strongly towards him?
Not everyone gets into a relationship with the intention of getting married. Based on what you said he seems to care about how you feel.
But it seems like if marriage is out of the question, the ball is in your court. Either move on or take it for what it's worth for now.
If I can ask, how are things now?
I hope it's possible to remain friends if the romantic part is over.
I know it's tough though.
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23-05-2016, 07:35 PM
RE: Relationship bullshit
Just say no! Heart

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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23-05-2016, 08:31 PM
RE: Relationship bullshit
In the words of Alanis Morrissette, "I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you."

If he can only love you as something different than you are, then it is not you he loves, but an idea of you.

I concur with the others, but most especially Thump. He is probably not a bad person, but just genuinely has come to realize that he cannot be with someone who does not share his religious outlook. As such, you should do both of you a favor and give you both a chance to find someone who will love you exactly as you are-- "warts and all".

As the Bard put it:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove
:
O no; it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests, and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

(Sonnet 116) (Emphasis mine.)

"Theology made no provision for evolution. The biblical authors had missed the most important revelation of all! Could it be that they were not really privy to the thoughts of God?" - E. O. Wilson
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24-05-2016, 12:01 AM
RE: Relationship bullshit
Love's not Time's fool ...

Great day in the morning, those are some strong words there.
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