Relationship issues
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19-02-2011, 04:50 PM
 
RE: Relationship issues
You say that you are 38 and have been with him for 6 years. are you married, have you started a family together? The reason I ask is because if you 2 are just dating and following your careers, perhaps he feels that he is bored and feels that he is missing something in life- and is trying to fill the void with religion. Of course I feel there is nothing wrong with whatever lifestyle you choose to live, I'm just saying everyone has their needs. I honestly think that if someone has not been indoctrine with theistic belief as a child, then why would they start when they are adults- it just doesn't seem logical to believe in fairy tales when they should know better.

That being said, I would discuss this with him and his general feeling about life/spirituality, and see how far he plans on going with it. If it's just a personal thing then whatever... I'm sure there are alot of members on this forum with theist or agnostic partners.
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19-02-2011, 11:04 PM
RE: Relationship issues
(17-02-2011 08:42 AM)gamutman Wrote:  What I'm saying is - we all have our deal breakers. We have a right to those deal breakers. No two people are ever going to agree on all issues. The question is, which issues do you - personally - need for your significant other to agree with you about, and which can you consider simply la differance?

This sums it up perfectly. You know in your heart if this is a deal breaker or not. This will require some hard thinking on your part.

I put up with some things for years that were definitely deal breakers. It took me a long time and a lot of hard thinking, and many many tears to be able to finally end that relationship. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I am SO glad that I did it, because I have finally found someone who accepts me as I am. No deal breakers here now. Smile

I'm not saying that's what you have to do. Just be sure to think about the hard things even if you don't want to. Have the hard discussions. Can you both really be the person you are, and want to be, in this relationship? If the answer is yes, then wonderful! But if the answer is no, you are both doing a disservice to yourselves and each other by staying together.

I hope you can find some peace. I'm sure this really sucks.

My reason for being is to serve as a cat cushion. That is good enough for me. Wink
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20-02-2011, 07:15 AM
RE: Relationship issues
I am so grateful for all your answers!

The deal breaker is a good point, but I am not sure yet. He isn't in my face all the time with his religion, and he is part of a church that is pro science at least. He knows very well that I will not tolerate any kind of preaching. It's a fine line though between preaching and talking about things in a sober way, and this is making me very hesitant to start talking or involve in discussions nowadays.

We have a wonderful story behind us, and he IS a profoundly nice guy, I must not forget that. (The kids are mine from previous relationship). But I find myself reacting very childish when he tries to talk about how he feels and thinks about it all. I become scared, angry and defiant and turning into a defensive fundamentally atheist monster. And I don't like myself this way. Like I wrote at the beginning of this thread, I am still shocked that HE av all people changed this way. I must be so bad at interpreting people, this really made my world shake. Now I don't know what to think of anything. Was I just projecting my image of him before? If so - what other things am I still projecting?

So - I realize that this has everything to do with me and my own issues, he's content and happy and claims to still love me. But I think I could use some counseling or something..

And to make matters even more confusing, my soon 17 year old daughter is heavily into wicca, and she is definately preaching (but hey, she's a kid) - so I get it in two channels. I need a vacation. *sigh*

"Never underestimate how narrow-minded, petty and stupid people can be". Mark Fulton, forum member
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20-02-2011, 05:12 PM
RE: Relationship issues
(20-02-2011 07:15 AM)Cubic Bubbles Wrote:  But I find myself reacting very childish when he tries to talk about how he feels and thinks about it all. I become scared, angry and defiant and turning into a defensive fundamentally atheist monster. And I don't like myself this way.

Do you want to continue like this?

' Wrote:So - I realize that this has everything to do with me and my own issues, he's content and happy and claims to still love me. But I think I could use some counseling or something.

Does it? He is the one who changed. You where attracted to him the way he was then, not the way he is now. I think he is the one who needs counseling.

' Wrote:And to make matters even more confusing, my soon 17 year old daughter is heavily into wicca, and she is definately preaching (but hey, she's a kid) - so I get it in two channels. I need a vacation. *sigh*

Ouch.

When I find myself in times of trouble, Richard Dawkins comes to me, speaking words of reason, now I see, now I see.
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20-02-2011, 09:24 PM
RE: Relationship issues
(20-02-2011 07:15 AM)Cubic Bubbles Wrote:  So - I realize that this has everything to do with me and my own issues, he's content and happy and claims to still love me. But I think I could use some counseling or something..

Don't worry about that. This is a normal reaction.

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“Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.” ~ Gautama Buddha
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21-02-2011, 02:59 AM
RE: Relationship issues

"Never underestimate how narrow-minded, petty and stupid people can be". Mark Fulton, forum member
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21-02-2011, 04:40 PM
RE: Relationship issues
If he can accept you as you are and stop preaching everything should be fine. He is the one who changed the rules. Stand firm and state that it is not your responsibility to foresee his change, and that by expecting that from you he is being unfair. It is up to him to keep his side of the bargain and treat you like he has in the past. Put the ball is in his court and see how he plays it. If you give in now you will always give in.

I've been there, done that, bailed out. I won't put up with that. I found someone that I don't need to do that with. I hope you chose what is best for you. You are not me and you are not in a situation that perfectly parallels so your best choice may or may not mirror mine.

PS. I am also a loner so I am not afraid of not being in a relationship, so leaving was easier for me that for many people.

When I find myself in times of trouble, Richard Dawkins comes to me, speaking words of reason, now I see, now I see.
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21-02-2011, 08:48 PM
RE: Relationship issues
OP, I urge you to do some serious soul searching. I know I already said this, or something similar. You can only change yourself so much to fit a situation. Being depressed and upset is normal, to a point; but only so far. If you find yourself feeling like that all the time, then you may have some hard choices to make.

I tried to do this with a former spouse. I just kept thinking it was me, I was the one with the problems, and if I just settled down and accepted everything that it would be ok. I finally got to a point where I literally lost it. One day while he was out I just packed my stuff and bailed. It was agonizing, but even with that, I felt immediately freed, like I should have done this a long time ago.

Again I say this is not for everyone and you may be just fine with time. What you're going through is a hell of a shock to say the least. The answer is in you. I'm quite certain that you will find it.

We're here for you!

My reason for being is to serve as a cat cushion. That is good enough for me. Wink
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