Religion Is A Joke
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25-01-2015, 07:55 PM
Religion Is A Joke
Didn't see a thread specifically for this so merge if necessary. In the mean time, give me your best religion jokes:

My neighbor said he would always follow his Bible...

...so I threw it off a cliff.
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25-01-2015, 08:44 PM
RE: Religion Is A Joke
Saw a sign yesterday that read...

C H - R C H. There's only one thing missing.

I thought to myself, C H P R O O F R C H can't be a word.
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26-01-2015, 12:40 AM
RE: Religion Is A Joke
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

"If you keep trying to better yourself that's enough for me. We don't decide which hand we are dealt in life, but we make the decision to play it or fold it" - Nishi Karano Kaze
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26-01-2015, 02:05 AM
RE: Religion Is A Joke
Can't beat the old ones...

Jesus walks into a hotel, slaps 2 nails onto the counter and says "Can you put me up for the night?"
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26-01-2015, 02:12 AM
RE: Religion Is A Joke
I was in the pub with a mate who had married a Muslim chick and recently converted to Islam. Thanks to Ramadan, he wasn't drinking.

I said, "Mate, you're taking this thing pretty seriously."
He said, "Well, yeah. I want to be a Muslim and I respect my wife's views."
I said, "Mate, you can't do both."
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26-01-2015, 06:50 AM
RE: Religion Is A Joke
A guy was golfing with a priest. On the third hole, the guy botches a rather easy shot and screams "Goddammit, I missed!". The priest tells him not to take the Lord's name in vain.

Several holes later the guy misses another easy shot and yells "Jesus Christ! What is this shit!?". The priest replies more sternly "It is a sin to take the Lord's name in vain, and I will not tolerate it."

Not more than ten minutes later, the guy misses another shot and screams "God fucking dammit! I missed again!". The priest angrily says "I warned you! God, show this heathen your wrath that he might learn the proper respect!". Suddenly, the sky darkens with storm clouds and a deep rumbling is heard. The priest, standing rather smugly watches, awaiting the man's fate. The sky flashes as a bolt of lightning arcs from the heavens and strikes the priest dead, and the sky booms "Jesus Christ, I missed again!".
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26-01-2015, 07:20 AM
RE: Religion Is A Joke
A Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi are taking a stroll through a park when they spot a young boy from a distance.

"Let's screw him!" the priest says to the rabbi.

"Out of what?" the rabbi responds.

Laugh out load

[Image: 7oDSbD4.gif]
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26-01-2015, 07:25 AM
RE: Religion Is A Joke
"Atheist" is not a religion but certainly ok for us to laugh at ourselves too.

I was thinking about starting an atheist restaurant, nothing will be on the menu.

Poetry by Brian37(poems by an atheist) Also on Facebook as BrianJames Rational Poet and Twitter Brianrrs37
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26-01-2015, 07:32 AM
RE: Religion Is A Joke
Three guys die and get up to heaven and wait in line at St Peter's gate.

Pete goes up to the first guy and asks "Have you ever cheated on your wife"

First guy responds "Yes but I told her about it, we made up and everything was fine after that"

Pete looks in his book and responds "Least you are being honest about it, here is a Rolls Royce, drive on through the gates"

Pete goes up to the second guy and asks "Have you ever cheated on your wife"

Second guy says "Yes a couple of times, but I told her about it we made up and everything was fine after that"

Pete looks in his book, "Least your being honest about it, here is a VW Bug, drive on through".

Pete goes up to the last guy and asks "Have you ever cheated on your wife"

Guy responds "Oh hell yea, all the time, she didn't give a fuck"

Pete looks in his book, "Least you are being honest about it, here here is a bicycle peddle on through".

A couple weeks later in heaven, the three bump into each other and the guy in the Rolls is crying his eyes out.

The other two are confused and ask "What the hell are you bitching about, you're driving a Rolls"

The guy in the Rolls responds, "I saw my wife on a skateboard yesterday."

Poetry by Brian37(poems by an atheist) Also on Facebook as BrianJames Rational Poet and Twitter Brianrrs37
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26-01-2015, 07:59 AM
RE: Religion Is A Joke
I asked my wife why she shouted Oh God occasionally when she orgasms, as she is an atheist.

"It seems appropriate when I fake them, " she replied.
--
An Atheist walked into a bar with God, Odin and Zeus,

The barman turned to serve him and said,

"Drinking alone again I see...
--
As an atheist, the face of my god appears on my toast every day
--
Christian: Muslims and Jews are wrong
Jew: Christians and Muslims are wrong
Muslim: Christians and Jews are wrong
Atheist: I agree with all of you

The secret to a happy life is lowering your expectations to the point where they are already met
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