Religious storm building at home
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01-04-2014, 10:00 AM
RE: Religious storm building at home
I don't know, the slow pace of things may be helping your wife to wrap her head around things bit by bit. No big shock this way.

I wouldn't worry about religion and the girls too much, I too went to a catholic school ( my own choice at the time) and my parents never interfered with my thoughts about religion, when I was devout and when I discarded the faith. Your girls already get it, it sounds like.

I am sorry you are having such difficulties with your marriage. I have no idea how I would handle it - the dynamics between two people are never transparent just from a written description, it tends to be a lot more complicated.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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01-04-2014, 10:14 AM
RE: Religious storm building at home
(01-04-2014 10:00 AM)Dom Wrote:  I don't know, the slow pace of things may be helping your wife to wrap her head around things bit by bit. No big shock this way.

I wouldn't worry about religion and the girls too much, I too went to a catholic school ( my own choice at the time) and my parents never interfered with my thoughts about religion, when I was devout and when I discarded the faith. Your girls already get it, it sounds like.

I am sorry you are having such difficulties with your marriage. I have no idea how I would handle it - the dynamics between two people are never transparent just from a written description, it tends to be a lot more complicated.

I hope so. I think a big shock would be devistating to her.

I worry about them in other ways, but not about religion. I figure they will find their own path. My oldest bumps heads with her RE teacher during clas discussionall the time, but in a respectful, intelegent manner. Then she surpries her teacher by giving the "correct" answer on the test. She like to tell me about the notes the teachers writes on her test. Usually along the lines of "I knew you believed", "I am praying for you", etc. She understands the game and plays it well. No reason to blow a good GPA just to give the RE teacher a hard time. It is a catholic school.

Relationship dynamics are hard to convey and you only get one side of the story like this. I am sure I have done things to make our relationship difficult at times. I have stopped short of threating to leave, throwing things or calling names even tho I have behaved in less that stellar manners from time to time.
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01-04-2014, 10:30 AM
RE: Religious storm building at home
I must admit I have not read the entire thread, so it's possible my advice has already been given.
What about using your wifes religion as the means of accomplishing the goal? A little talking to her religious sensibilities so to speak.
She must agree that what matters to the Christian is what's in the heart and pretending to be christian and just going through the motions to please your mom, is not something you'd want to attain in your children. She must realize that the only way her daughters can have "true faith in their hearts" is if they have chosen the catholic faith for themselves, not had it forced upon them. She must also realize that the more she tries to force the religion upon them, the more they are going to rebel against it. Maybe suggest that she teaches her children catholicism through leading by example, rather than through trying to "argue them to Jesus".
She can't force them to believe, she can only force them to pretend for the sake of peace. She'll get much further if their daughters can trust her to be someone who respects their opinions and thoughts and doesn't try to dictate what they should think or believe. If she tells them what she believes rather than dictating to them what they should believe.

Children should be supported in their freedom to believe or not believe whatever they see fit, but your wife may not agree on that. However I'm sure she'll agree that while you can lead a horse to water, you cannot make it drink, and trying to force it to do so will not have any positive effect.
In the end, the goal is that your daughters is allowed the freedom to think and believe for themselves and encouraged to do so. While your wife will obviously encourage catholocism, I'm sure you can guide them to be skeptic and use their own brains even without directly declaring yourself an atheist if you don't wish to do so.

It sounds like they are bright and mature girls that you can both be proud off.
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04-04-2014, 12:05 PM
RE: Religious storm building at home
I had a brief, but nice discussion with daughter number 2 yesterday. She came out and told me after a little prodding she does not believe in god. She was real hesitant but told me anyway. I did not indicate to her I feel the same since I do not want to arm them with info they can hurt mom with. Fairly sure my oldest feels the same. I had started the conversation on purpos to see how she felt on the matter.
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04-04-2014, 01:17 PM
RE: Religious storm building at home
It sounds like your wife is fixating on the whole devil thing rather than facing up to her real problems. I know that when I was suffering from depression I would become fixated on certain things that I thought were the cause of all my problems. I later started to notice that things that I had previously fixated on no longer mattered but I had fixated on something else. I eventually came to the point where I realised that I was depressed no matter what I thought the problem was.

Humans generally rationalise their emotional state or experience after they have them. It may feel like cause and effect but it's actually effect and rationalisation. The rationalisation doesn't always correctly identify the cause.

You might want to suggest that believing that the devil is behind everything is a way of escaping from the main issue here. And then immediately suggest what the main issue is and what can be done about it, but all the while being as impartial and non-judgemental as possible. Suggest that if nothing else, it's certainly a lot easier to deal with than the devil.

Your wife might be fixating on the idea of a devil because going to church is an easy thing for her to do and she is not sure what else she can try. Giving her something else to try to that might help her cope with life might give her an alternative focus.
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04-04-2014, 01:23 PM
RE: Religious storm building at home
She is in counsouling and has started working. It seems to help at times. When things get rough she defaults back to things like blaming the devil or just getting really angry.
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04-04-2014, 03:13 PM
RE: Religious storm building at home
Kind of a side note. This daughter decided to join the community band with me. So cool to be able to play music with one of my kids doing it with me. She is a French hornist. Now I know why my dad gets excited when we get together for a jam session. My other daughter is considering joining also. She plays clarinet.
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23-05-2014, 06:41 AM
RE: Religious storm building at home
I think my wife it trying to work on me in small ways. I noticed a note she put on the bedroom mirror that was not there before. It reads. "Live without god and there will be destruction".

My car is in the shop so she had to pick me up from work and she had her phone plugged in playing modern christian music.

Nothing confrontational.
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23-05-2014, 07:06 AM
RE: Religious storm building at home
(23-05-2014 06:41 AM)wazzel Wrote:  I think my wife it trying to work on me in small ways. I noticed a note she put on the bedroom mirror that was not there before. It reads. "Live without god and there will be destruction".

My car is in the shop so she had to pick me up from work and she had her phone plugged in playing modern christian music.

Nothing confrontational.

Hmmm. I would call that confrontational. But maybe it's just me.

We have enough youth. How about looking for the Fountain of Smart?
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23-05-2014, 07:23 AM
RE: Religious storm building at home
(23-05-2014 06:41 AM)wazzel Wrote:  I think my wife it trying to work on me in small ways. I noticed a note she put on the bedroom mirror that was not there before. It reads. "Live without god and there will be destruction".

My car is in the shop so she had to pick me up from work and she had her phone plugged in playing modern christian music.

Nothing confrontational.

No, just passive-aggressive.

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