Remembering Nishi
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03-05-2016, 02:34 AM
RE: Remembering Nishi

Don't let those gnomes and their illusions get you down. They're just gnomes and illusions.

--Jake the Dog, Adventure Time

Alouette, je te plumerai.
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03-05-2016, 04:29 AM
RE: Remembering Nishi
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05-05-2016, 12:27 AM
RE: Remembering Nishi
Found a beautiful spot to spend some time remembering Nishi today. Only cried a little. Mostly I smiled at some good memories. Thumbsup

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05-05-2016, 05:49 AM
RE: Remembering Nishi
Lovely spot, Stark. Thanks for sharing Smile
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05-05-2016, 06:35 AM
RE: Remembering Nishi
Yes it is a lovely spot for a bit of contemplation. The positive rep point I received from Nishi will I think always be one of my treasured possessions.
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05-05-2016, 06:39 AM
RE: Remembering Nishi
(05-05-2016 12:27 AM)Stark Raving Wrote:  Found a beautiful spot to spend some time remembering Nishi today. Only cried a little. Mostly I smiled at some good memories. Thumbsup

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05-05-2016, 10:38 AM
RE: Remembering Nishi
Missing you still Nishi!

But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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05-05-2016, 11:07 AM (This post was last modified: 05-05-2016 11:11 AM by Atothetheist.)
RE: Remembering Nishi
I've refrained from posting more on this thread for two reasons:

1) I don't feel like I was close enough to Nishi to have the right to be emotionally affected (even though I am deeply somehow).

2.) I don't want to be that guy that talks more about Nishi because he is dead when I didn't when he was alive. I feel it distasteful if I start singing his praises like he was such a good friend now, because I failed (and yes I did) to see how important of a person he was alive.

^That's not to say anything bad about any one of you guys. He has impacted all of you in significant ways, and I can clearly see that, so don't think that's me throwing "shade" or whatever at anybody.

I talked to Momsurroundedbyboys via text about this privately to kinda vent about my frustrations and my sadness at his passing (partly for the reasons stated above). She managed what few have (made me feel better about the whole thing). I told her that I had a lot of emotions about this whole incident (I didn't tell her that I feel like I really shouldn't have emotions), and I told her that one of my biggest regrets was that I didn't know him better, that I didn't talk to him more, and perhaps significant, perhaps not (since he has supported a lot of my work for the forum) that I would never be able to showcase how wonderful of a person he was in a Forum Lounge episode.

It's a damn shame.

Moms told me that I should learn from this experience. When she first said that, I kind of balked at the fact that I should take this as a lesson, because it seemed to devalue him into an example to learn from, not a life to mourn and a life to celebrate. It kinda seemed like, I don't know, by making him a lesson, I was making him a statistic, a tool to further my goal. Perhaps some of you don't see the logic in that, perhaps some of you are thinking the same thing.

However, despite my emotional reaction to her statement, I can see why its something that needed to be said, and I think that the first step is to go for it and be honest and not miss the opportunity to celebrate his life, even if the reason behind it was because he lost his life.

I had made a thread not too long ago that talked about my life and where it was heading, ad in one of my updated posts I made a very revealing post where I told people I had written my suicide note and I went on to explain my mood at that time, this thinking (I now believe) was most likely a side-effect of all the medication I am currently on (side note: my health is slowly improving, and I am to be off my heart medication within a couple of months, which is the one of the small amounts of good news I have received recently), a side-effect that my doctor said might happen, but one I never took seriously. Without hesitation, this community responded to my suicidal post with attempts to help, notably from Peebothuhul and DLJ.

This kind of reaction proves to me that if Nishi had given us (and perhaps he did privately) any indication of his mindset at the time, we would have, as a fucking great ass community, stepped up to offer our help, even if wouldn't have made a difference. That's the sign of a good person, they try to do good for others, even if one is convinced that there is nothing they can do. And while this thread is to celebrate Nishi and remember him, I would also like to say that we should remember that our response to this cements, at least in my mind, what a wonderful and dedicated community of GOOD people we are. This is why I believe that no matter how many of us think we failed him (and I include myself in that group, for whatever that might be worth), I think that had we known, we would have gone above and beyond the call of duty to share his burden, to make his life better. I personally believe that we as a community accomplished both of those, even without the knowledge of his mental state. Even if it wasn't enough to save him, I still believe it was more than enough to make him smile and laugh, and that's something to be proud of. We still made a difference, lets never forget that, even if we all have our personal regrets.

What many of you don't know was that after I made that suicidal post there was one person who touched me the most and it was Nishi. Here is the message I received from him:
[Image: C3041FB7-B189-4583-A145-F4EE249D28C9_zpslflxo2tr.jpg]

At that time, I appreciated the attempt, but I didn't take him up on his offer (I didn't even reply, another one of my most major regrets) because I was so focused on myself, but there he was, telling me he was there for me, a person who he barely knew. It brings a tear to my eye whenever I look at it (and recently, I've been looking at it a lot). This was the last communication between me and him, and it is forever etched into my mind now.

He was like one of us, always willing to help when we another needed it, and that's something I think we can all agree on needs to be shared and celebrated. He was kind, funny, and very fun to interact with, as many members here can attest to, and I think that this is something that should be the major point from this, the thing (out of many other things) that we need to take away from all of this: He was one of us, and a very good one of us.

The lesson I learned is to never be hesitant to say something to someone, even if you think that you shouldn't be the one to say it. I should have let him know what kind of person I thought he was, even if I felt like it wasn't my place. Even if too late to let him know, its never too late to let others know about what kind of a man he was, and that's why I am making this post, because this is me taking the opportunity to talk about my experience with him (however brief), and my experience with his passing.

I'm not gunna lie, I've been feeling depressed about this. My eyes have been getting watery on and off for the past few days, and while I haven't broken down and cried, I fear that it won't be long before I will need to seclude myself and let it out. Whenever I do think about Nishi (something that has been happening more often lately), my mind constantly forms the question "Why?" and while I support most of Dom's words about how that answer wasn't for us (He would have left a note otherwise), I do not believe its wrong to focus on such a question. I also do not believe that Dom could know exactly what Nishi would want, nor should anyone speak on any matters about what someone might want unless it is explicitly stated by the departed in some way or another. (That's just my way of respecting the dead and departed, and I understand that some people don't agree with me on that. I also am well aware that the people that do it, do it with good intentions and some of them might even be correct).

I see the questions and the regrets and hell, even some of the judgments as an expression of our love for him (and an expression of our anguish over his passing), and that shouldn't be discouraged. It is perfectly natural that we want to ask such questions, and its perfectly understandable to judge, even if the judgments might offend. However, Dom is right, we will probably never know why and even if we did, we would probably never understand it. We are not him. We don't and, in my opinion, can't know what demons he wrestled with on a daily business. To me, he seemed full of life, and I had absolutely no idea about his struggles (though, if given another chance, I would like to), and even if we had an idea, we still don't have an idea, if that makes sense. That's just my opinion.

All we can do is honor him.

At the risk of making this be even more of a fucking book, I have spoiler-ed the following segment because it doesn't talk about Nishi specifically, but this event has caused me to think hard and deep about suicide, and I can't bare myself to not post my thoughts, as they are currently part of my grieving process, so to speak.

Sorry for the length, but I just kinda needed to vent.

To Nishi, a new explorer of the true Final Frontier.

This has got me thinking a lot about suicide, and how complex of a subject it actually is. Its one of those things about the world that convince me that not everything has an answer, wrapped nicely in a little bow. I don't believe that there is a definitive answer to the questions suicide raises. Questions like: Why would one do that? Didn't he/she know that he/she were loved? Why would he/she leave me?

Some of these questions might be answered, however, only new questions seem to take their place. I anguish over that fact that there will always be questions, that we can never know what exactly one's life was like. Because of that, I think its unfair and disgusting to say stuff like "Suicide is the cowards way out" or, more commonly "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Simple statements like that seem to cast a simple (and rather superficial) judgments on that person's life. As much as we might know certain people, we do not know their life with the amount of accuracy that would justify statements like that.

Sometimes, suicide is a noble, brave thing to do. One of my friend's parents killed themselves so that his family could use his life insurance policy to get them out of a very dire financial situation. He probably saw no other way to fix it, but he did what he probably thought was the only solution left to him. My friend told me that her father's suicide letter was a love letter to his family. And with that in mind, I can't help but imagining him being scared and unwilling to depart from the family he loves so much, but he did it anyways to save them. Sacrificing yourself for the sake of others, even though you are afraid IS bravery. Its the most brave I could imagine someone to be, and I think that applies to suicide, at times. Its certainly not something a coward would do.

I think the second statement is a bit shallow. Sure, some problems that people kill themselves over are temporary, but what isn't mentioned here is how these temporary problems can produce permanent effects. Are we not affected by the temporary events that occur in our lives? If I remember and take comfort in the temporary good, is it not reasonable to be able to lose yourself in the temporary bad, even if we have long ago lived through it? Not everyone can be strong. Some people are more greatly affected by certain things than others. Who am I to say that this person should have been or could have been strong enough to power through (especially when that person, evidently, disagreed). I don't think I could be able to make such statements. I don't think anybody has that ability.

I can imagine myself in situations where I would choose to end my life. If I am greatly debilitated, to the point where I am either constrained to my bed, or unable to perform certain functions that I consider essential to my life, I would end my life. If my brain isn't working to a certain degree, I would end it. I would consider my life not worth living at either points, and I dare anyone to look me in the face and say that I am unable to make that choice for myself. These are not emotional choices, but the result of several months of thought and consideration, and as such I would go against anyone that is determined to keep my alive against my will, and I will defend anyone who believes that they are being forced to live. They have a right to do whatever they wish with their own life, just as I have a right to do whatever I wish with mine.

However, I will only say that I would prefer that all choices to end their own lives came through a logical thought process, but that is sadly not the case, and those people are the ones I would try to talk to so that they can see that maybe living is the choice that would be the best. However, I am not so quick to demonize the emotional choices because I feel like I am incapable to fully understand another's life well enough.

Just my thoughts.

-Steven C.

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Credit goes to UndercoverAtheist.
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05-05-2016, 12:22 PM
RE: Remembering Nishi
Quote:The lesson I learned is to never be hesitant to say something to someone, even if you think that you shouldn't be the one to say it.

That is what I gained from this as well.
I had some thoughts and words in my head about him, and they never got typed out. I recall when I came to realize how sweet and caring he was, and I did not follow up on it. It was about the time that he ceased posting.
I don't have any illusions that somehow it would have helped him in any way, but it does not erase the feeling that I let him down a little by holding back.
I lurked his posts with JB and others for as long as I have been here and did not often participate, but he and you all made me smile.
He took one of my replies and made a parody thread out of it, and we played there a while. It made me feel welcome more than any other thing could.
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05-05-2016, 02:38 PM
RE: Remembering Nishi
I kinda laughed looking at my rep points. Saw nishi's. Even when we had are moments talking we had a blast. Tongue

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