SEX TIPS WITH THE FERD MACHINE
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08-01-2014, 07:58 PM
SEX TIPS WITH THE FERD MACHINE
THESE ARE ALL MEANT TO BE VERY UNREALISTIC AND SENSATIONALLY FUNNY FT AMERICAN HUMOR SO PLEASE DON'T GET OFFENDED AND PLEASE DON'T BAN ME. BECAUSE MAN I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM.

THIS THREAD IS DEDICATED TO A2, HUGHS AND TARTARUS.



SEX TIP #1: Wanna really surprise him in bed? Die.

SEX TIP #2: If he’s really bad at oral just yell out in a sarcastic 1950s voice "What is this, amateur hour!?"

SEX TIP #3: When you're about to go down on him, gently whisper "ARE YOU READY FOR THE RUFF-NECK BASS!?"

SEX TIP #4: Right before reaching climax, ask your partner if they will confess their sins and accept Jesus Christ as their savior, then drown them in a river.

SEX TIP #5: Want to spice things up in the bedroom? Rub siracha on his balls.

SEX TIP #6: Just as you are about to climax look into your partners eyes without blinking and in a monotone voice yell "Congratulations you won!" repeatedly.

SEX TIP #7: The "Leif Erickson": (Beard and hat are optional) Canoodle your partner like she is land you wish to conquer and when she’s about to come, look her straight in the eyes and yell "HINGA DINGA DARGIN!"

SEX TIP #8: Right as you cum, whisper in his/her ear "It’s Britney bitch."

SEX TIP #9: Instead of moaning or screaming with pleasure, death growl.

SEX TIP #10: When his head goes in between your legs, use your thighs to break his neck.

SEX TIP #11: When he/she’s about to climax, stab him with a harpoon and shout "Thar she blows!"

SEX TIP #12: When he climaxes, grab a handful of it, hold it high above your head, and shout "FROM WHENCE YOU CAME, YOU SHALL REMAIN, UNTIL YOU ARE COMPLETE AGAIN." allowing him to be sent back to hell.

SEX TIP #13: When having sex with your partner, pour ranch dressing in their hair and massage it into their scalp. Then, lean into their ear and whisper seductively, "I want your Hidden Valley."

SEX TIP #14: Just as you finish, pull him/her close and whisper "I did it for the Vine." Before they has a chance to reply, shove your iPhone up his butt. It will drive them wild.

SEX TIP #15: When he's about to push in stick your finger up his ass and yell "WRONG LEVER KRONK!"

SEX TIP #16: *Tyra Banks voice* "You wanna be on top?"

SEX TIP #17: When you’re finished say "Safe to remove hardware."

SEX TIP #18: As your partner screams "I'm coming!" you should whisper into their ear, "...to a theater near you…" and then proceed to grab a bucket of popcorn from under the bed.

SEX TIP #19: Get a little kinky by bringing handcuffs in to the bedroom. Once your partner is handcuffed to the bed, proceed to cut open their chest and remove their beating heart to sacrifice to the Aztec gods.

SEX TIP #20: When you're about to give someone a blowjob, get right up close to their dick and whisper "It's not polite to point at people before walking away."

SEX TIP #21: As your partner is about to orgasm, whip your head to the side and in the deepest, most monotonous voice you can muster, say "Release into me and let the spawn of Satan be conceived. All praise the overlord. Darkness shall rule again."

SEX TIP #22: Use orphan blood as a safer alternative to oil based lubricant.

SEX TIP #23: When he tells you he’s gonna climax, whisper sensually in his ear:"Do it faggot."

SEX TIP #24: Trick your partner into saying their name backwards to send them howling back to the bowels of the underworld.

SEX TIP #25: When spooning, steal some kisses by twisting your head around exorcist style.

SEX TIP #26: When role playing as a sexy teacher, take your red pen and glance down at his paper. Then strike a line through everything, stab him in the heart, and use his blood as ink to keep on grading as he bleeds out.

SEX TIP #27: Whenever your partner says "Oh God" in bed, cackle loudly and then whisper into their ear "call me Satan."

SEX TIP #28: When you’re at the base, say "Chubby bunny."

SEX TIP #29: After sex pat his/her belly and say "That’ll do donkey, that’ll do."

SEX TIP #30: Use Vicks VapoRub or Icy Hot as a fun and refreshing alternative to lube.

SEX TIP #31: When taking off her pants, whisper “I’m gonna wreck it" and punch the palm of your hand.

SEX TIP #32: Don't be afraid to do something more flexible while you're on top. turn your head 360 degrees while screaming "the anti-Christ has awoken!"

SEX TIP #33: Add some spice to your life by bringing hot wings into the bedroom.

SEX TIP #34: Just as he’s about to reach climax, tip back your man’s head and vomit your previous meal into his mouth like a mama bird. This will show that you’re not only great in the sack, but a provider as well.

SEX TIP #35: When you put it in ask "Can you feel it Mr. Krabs?"

SEX TIP #36: When his erection begins to go down, yell “TIMMMBBBBEERRRRR!!!”

SEX TIP #37: While reaching into his pants, say "Who’s that Pokemon?"

SEX TIP #38: When giving him a hand job, ask if he knows what an Indian burn is then shout "PULL THE LEVER KRONK"

SEX TIP #39: After having sex with your partner fall onto their chest and whisper in their ear, "stay golden pony boy."

SEX TIP #40: Wanna make her wet? Drown her.

SEX TIP #41: During sex, surprise him with an extremely sexy orgasm moan by making the THX theme sound at the top of your lungs.

SEX TIP #42: When you are having sex, look your partner dead in the eye and yell "I’m going ghost!" then proceed to fly through the ceiling.

SEX TIP #43: When your partner is least expecting it, pin them to the ceiling and set them on fire.

SEX TIP #44: Keep your love life fresh by storing your significant other in the fridge.

SEX TIP #45: Wanna take his breath away? Rip his lungs out.

SEX TIP #46: As you go down on her, drag her into the depths of hell.

SEX TIP #47: I have no fucking idea what I am talking about.

SEX TIP #48: Ask Siri to locate her g-spot.

SEX TIP #49: As he enters you yell "Hop scotch" and drag him into the under world by his dick he’ll love the fact that you’re comfortable enough to bring him home on the first date.

SEX TIP #50: While on top, scream out "Appa! YIP YIP!!!"

SEX TIP #51: Instead of sending her cute little love notes, send her death threats.

SEX TIP #52: When he isn't looking, stop Kony.

SEX TIP #53: Instead of moaning, inform him that Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.


Yeeeeeeah, that's all I've got for now... Enjoy.
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08-01-2014, 08:05 PM
RE: SEX TIPS WITH THE FERD MACHINE
#48 Laugh out load Laugh out load Smile Smile

I don't really like going outside.
It's too damn "peopley" out there....
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08-01-2014, 09:07 PM
RE: SEX TIPS WITH THE FERD MACHINE
Been there, done that. All with Hughsie, btw.

[Image: giphy.gif]
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08-01-2014, 09:10 PM
RE: SEX TIPS WITH THE FERD MACHINE
I don't know why, but 23 made me giggle out loud. Laughat

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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08-01-2014, 09:26 PM
RE: SEX TIPS WITH THE FERD MACHINE
Consider On #28... I dunno how the hell I'm supposed to say "Chubby bunny" if it's crammed in mah mouth all the way to the base, but I'll give it a whirl. Tongue

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08-01-2014, 09:33 PM
RE: SEX TIPS WITH THE FERD MACHINE
I'm personally a fan of #36 and #40. Smile
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08-01-2014, 09:38 PM
RE: SEX TIPS WITH THE FERD MACHINE
Fuck you Ferdinand! This thread is partially dedicated to me and the first tip says; Wanna really surprise him in bed?

You are why we can't have nice things. Weeping

Best and worst of Ferdinand .....
Best
Ferdinand: We don't really say 'theist' in Alabama. Here, you're either a Christian, or you're from Afghanistan and we fucking hate you.
Worst
Ferdinand: Everyone from British is so, like, fucking retarded.
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08-01-2014, 09:43 PM (This post was last modified: 08-01-2014 09:50 PM by TheGulegon.)
RE: SEX TIPS WITH THE FERD MACHINE
#5, #19, and #32 are NOT funny Confused

Tongue

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08-01-2014, 09:49 PM
RE: SEX TIPS WITH THE FERD MACHINE
(08-01-2014 09:10 PM)evenheathen Wrote:  I don't know why, but 23 made me giggle out loud. Laughat

Me too!!

Is it terrible I think I've done #29 Laugh out load

Thanks for the to do list Ferdi Heart
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08-01-2014, 09:54 PM
RE: SEX TIPS WITH THE FERD MACHINE
(08-01-2014 09:43 PM)TheGulegon Wrote:  #5, #19, and #32 are NOT funny Confused

Tongue

Are you kidding me? #32 is gold, man. Pure gold. Tongue

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