Scared and depressed
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02-12-2013, 10:33 PM
Scared and depressed
This is so pathetic, but I need help. I'm scared. I am more depressed and anxious than ever. The last three nights I've laid in my room weeping, hitting and scratching myself, panicking, fighting to remind myself to stay alive. I lay there so scared, knowing that I want to do it and I feel like I cant stop it. I feel so hopeless and trapped and out of control and sad and it's the only thing I can do unless there is some party thing happening where I can go socialize.

I've been depressed for a few years now. I've regularly physically harmed myself starting this year, and my suicidal thoughts have been increasing. I am a creative writer and blogger, and some days I'm so inspired and feeling pretty decent, despite feeling depressed. Writing has been the thing to keep me going and it gives me something to be satisfied with. I was doing so well when I first arrived to this new city. Depressing thoughts only came about once or twice per month in the summer, if that. But then the fall came and I started feeling anxious and trapped in my housekeeping job, as you might be able to imagine. It's a tourist town so most jobs are in the hotel or hospitality industry. I've been applying for jobs, but it's the slow season so I may not get a new one until January or February. I've made a few friends and they either need to continue travelling which is okay, but I feel like I can never really connect with the people that have stayed here longer. I am a very independent, introvert type of person and I prefer being alone and I hate being vulnerable, but I still want to feel close with some people. I just feel like I push people away without even trying and it frustrates and upsets me.

I have been single for three years and have avoided guys for the most part, with a few rare exceptions. I ended up making out with one of my room mates a couple of weeks ago. Which is a big deal for me. Since that night, things have been more awkward and tense. I shouldn't have done it but I have and now I am suffering for it. What I thought was just some meaningless thing has developed into me liking him and missing the days when he acted more like a brother. We had a decent talk last night but today it's back to feeling estranged and I'm too shy to even go out into the lounge to work on my computer with him there. All of a sudden I have an intense urge to fit in and I never used to care.

Yet I'm moody and touchy and my room mates are all suffering for it. They care but I can tell their patience is wearing thin. They're all a bit younger than me and I feel bad to be such a burden to them when they are here to have fun... I don't know what to do about it... it's driving me insane and I realize I am still not mentally stable or capable enough to handle intimacy, I guess. Between the job I hate, the desire to spread my wings and travel again but not being able to, this confusing thing with my room mate, the lack of writing, the fear of being stuck, and knowing I have to go see my religious family in January, I feel like I almost cant take it anymore.

I went to counselling for a couple of months and my therapist was starting to rush me and became frustrated when I wasn't following her plan of progression. I did get better, it helped, but since we stopped it month ago, I've gotten worse. Should I see a doctor? Admit myself? Can I seek self help?

I hope this is just a phase. I am so tried of being depressed and tired. I just want to write and have some good friends (And figure out how to be a good friend) and not feel depressed or want to hurt myself anymore. Sad I'm just scared that this is the beginning of the end...

Thanks for reading this, I appreciate it more than you know. xx
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02-12-2013, 10:43 PM
RE: Scared and depressed
(02-12-2013 10:33 PM)Flowergurl Wrote:  This is so pathetic, but I need help. I'm scared. I am more depressed and anxious than ever. The last three nights I've laid in my room weeping, hitting and scratching myself, panicking, fighting to remind myself to stay alive. I lay there so scared, knowing that I want to do it and I feel like I cant stop it. I feel so hopeless and trapped and out of control and sad and it's the only thing I can do unless there is some party thing happening where I can go socialize.

I've been depressed for a few years now. I've regularly physically harmed myself starting this year, and my suicidal thoughts have been increasing. I am a creative writer and blogger, and some days I'm so inspired and feeling pretty decent, despite feeling depressed. Writing has been the thing to keep me going and it gives me something to be satisfied with. I was doing so well when I first arrived to this new city. Depressing thoughts only came about once or twice per month in the summer, if that. But then the fall came and I started feeling anxious and trapped in my housekeeping job, as you might be able to imagine. It's a tourist town so most jobs are in the hotel or hospitality industry. I've been applying for jobs, but it's the slow season so I may not get a new one until January or February. I've made a few friends and they either need to continue travelling which is okay, but I feel like I can never really connect with the people that have stayed here longer. I am a very independent, introvert type of person and I prefer being alone and I hate being vulnerable, but I still want to feel close with some people. I just feel like I push people away without even trying and it frustrates and upsets me.

I have been single for three years and have avoided guys for the most part, with a few rare exceptions. I ended up making out with one of my room mates a couple of weeks ago. Which is a big deal for me. Since that night, things have been more awkward and tense. I shouldn't have done it but I have and now I am suffering for it. What I thought was just some meaningless thing has developed into me liking him and missing the days when he acted more like a brother. We had a decent talk last night but today it's back to feeling estranged and I'm too shy to even go out into the lounge to work on my computer with him there. All of a sudden I have an intense urge to fit in and I never used to care.

Yet I'm moody and touchy and my room mates are all suffering for it. They care but I can tell their patience is wearing thin. They're all a bit younger than me and I feel bad to be such a burden to them when they are here to have fun... I don't know what to do about it... it's driving me insane and I realize I am still not mentally stable or capable enough to handle intimacy, I guess. Between the job I hate, the desire to spread my wings and travel again but not being able to, this confusing thing with my room mate, the lack of writing, the fear of being stuck, and knowing I have to go see my religious family in January, I feel like I almost cant take it anymore.

I went to counselling for a couple of months and my therapist was starting to rush me and became frustrated when I wasn't following her plan of progression. I did get better, it helped, but since we stopped it month ago, I've gotten worse. Should I see a doctor? Admit myself? Can I seek self help?

I hope this is just a phase. I am so tried of being depressed and tired. I just want to write and have some good friends (And figure out how to be a good friend) and not feel depressed or want to hurt myself anymore. Sad I'm just scared that this is the beginning of the end...

Thanks for reading this, I appreciate it more than you know. xx

Definitely definitely seek help! Please.
You will not regret it. A little bit of therapy and possible medication if necessary can change your life. Life is about living, not surviving the desire to do. If you can get some help you'll be on the way to really living your life. PM if you need to talk. Good luck!
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02-12-2013, 10:44 PM
RE: Scared and depressed
I've been there. I've been in deepest pit of depression and cutting.
I'm currently finishing my degree in psychology, in large part because a therapist made a huge difference in my life.
I think NEED to find a psychiatrist. Specifically. The kind of depression you're experiencing is a full on depressive episode but it sounds like you also have some seasonal affective disorder and the fact that you've been wrestling with this for years leads me to believe that this is a chemical imbalance in your brain. The great thing about a psychiatrist is that they're trained in both medicine/physiology AND psychology and seeing one will allow you to get both talk therapy and medication that can really help.
Honestly, the fact that you said you've "laid in my room weeping, hitting and scratching myself, panicking, fighting to remind myself to stay alive" makes my heart break for you. Admitting yourself into a psych ward at the local hospital for an in-patient program would be the safest place for you. It could also give you access to people who can help you find a good psychiatrist in your area. Also note that you need to try counselors/therapists/psychiatrists on for size... they're not "one size fits all". If you find a psychiatrist that you don't click with, don't give up on therapy all together. I had to go to 4 different therapists before I found the one who helped me change my life.
PM me if you want to talk more and I'd be happy to give you my email address. I know how it feels to feel SO alone. Know that you're not.
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02-12-2013, 11:11 PM
RE: Scared and depressed
Check yo'self at the doc. Suicidal thoughts and cutting are definitely an indication that you need help...

I feel ya with the whole introvert thing.

Mostly, talk to people Smile If not in real life then online. I always struggle to do that, the forum has been a good outlet for me. Online interactions are a lot less scary than actual talking to people for some reason...

Hug

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(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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03-12-2013, 02:53 AM
RE: Scared and depressed
It sounds like you absolutely need to see a doctor, not another therapist.
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03-12-2013, 03:03 AM
RE: Scared and depressed
As above ........ plus
Keep talking/typing about it, bouncing thoughts inside your head is not good.

See if there are any community night courses around, oil painting , pottery etc.

Theism is to believe what other people claim, Atheism is to ask "why should I".
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03-12-2013, 04:07 AM
RE: Scared and depressed
(02-12-2013 10:33 PM)Flowergurl Wrote:  I've been depressed for a few years now. I've regularly physically harmed myself starting this year, and my suicidal thoughts have been increasing. I am a creative writer and blogger, and some days I'm so inspired and feeling pretty decent, despite feeling depressed. Writing has been the thing to keep me going and it gives me something to be satisfied with. I was doing so well when I first arrived to this new city. Depressing thoughts only came about once or twice per month in the summer, if that. But then the fall came and I started feeling anxious and trapped in my housekeeping job, as you might be able to imagine.

Maybe you have Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Please don't hurt yourself....there is always a better solution.

Vosur, Anjele, Hanoff.....have you learned nothing in my absence?
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03-12-2013, 04:54 AM
RE: Scared and depressed
I too know what you are going through.

Not the making out with boys part ... I didn't do that.

It gets better.

Option one: distraction and denial.
Option two: create a vision and a plan for how you're going to achieve it.

I usually go for option one. No therapist required.

Embrace your introvertness. It's part but not all of who you are.

Hug

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03-12-2013, 05:50 AM
RE: Scared and depressed
Please go to a psychiatrist. Chances are some meds can help balance things out for you. If you don't like the first one, go see a different one.

Meanwhile, do some things you don't normally do. And, get outside during the day time. If there is any sun out, make sure you catch it. Just run outside and soak it up. Expose as much skin as you can without freezing.

There are also lamps that can help with seasonal affective disorder. Amazon has a selection in all price ranges. Sun lamps do work. You could put one next to your computer and turn it on and write, since writing makes you feel good.

Make sure to get exposure to your sun lamp for a while a couple of hours before bed time, then take some serotonin before you go to bed. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serotonin) It's widely available over the counter. This will fool your body into thinking that it is not winter time. The combination of sun lights and serotonin is the only thing a lot of people with seasonal affective disorder need, definitely give it a shot.

You may have more issues than SAD, so still seek professional help. But try the above asap. Just do it.

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03-12-2013, 06:48 AM
RE: Scared and depressed
First thing - please know that you're not alone. Many of us have suffered from depression - even deep, disabling depression.
Secondly - there is hope. Hope for getting better, making adjustments that serve YOU and YOUR life to improve quality of life.
And third - you're not lost. That's evident in you asking here for ideas or suggestions.

Yes, therapy can help. If you find a counselor that doesn't match your needs - you get another - and so on. Just because someone's a therapist doesn't mean they're automatically a right match for you. People are different with different styles and different needs. When you find a therapist that suits you the puzzle pieces will start to fall into place and feeling better will get to be a habit instead of a dream.

You did a great job getting help before. You can do it again. You want better/more quality of life than you currently have. Good for you! Please don't hurt yourself because you've not yet found the right help. And thanks for asking here for ideas. It's a good community to give suggestions.


best wishes for peaceful healing!

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