Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans
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30-09-2015, 07:23 AM
Wink Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans
This explains so much! Tongue


The New Yorker

Quote:MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) – Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

The research, conducted by the University of Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of humans who are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving scientists at a loss as to how to combat them.


“These humans appear to have all the faculties necessary to receive and process information,” Davis Logsdon, one of the scientists who contributed to the study, said. “And yet, somehow, they have developed defenses that, for all intents and purposes, have rendered those faculties totally inactive.”

More worryingly, Logsdon said, “As facts have multiplied, their defenses against those facts have only grown more powerful.”

While scientists have no clear understanding of the mechanisms that prevent the fact-resistant humans from absorbing data, they theorize that the strain may have developed the ability to intercept and discard information en route from the auditory nerve to the brain. “The normal functions of human consciousness have been completely nullified,” Logsdon said.

While reaffirming the gloomy assessments of the study, Logsdon held out hope that the threat of fact-resistant humans could be mitigated in the future. “Our research is very preliminary, but it’s possible that they will become more receptive to facts once they are in an environment without food, water, or oxygen,” he said.

(22-08-2015 07:30 PM)Revenant77x Wrote:  It is by will alone I set my brows in motion it is by the conditioner of avocado that the brows acquire volume the skin acquires spots the spots become a warning. It is by will alone I set my brows in motion.
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30-09-2015, 07:24 AM
RE: Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans
Quote:GET NEWS SATIRE FROM THE BOROWITZ REPORT DELIVERED TO YOUR INBOX.

Satire is annoying as fuck. Angry

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30-09-2015, 07:28 AM
RE: Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans
(30-09-2015 07:24 AM)houseofcantor Wrote:  
Quote:GET NEWS SATIRE FROM THE BOROWITZ REPORT DELIVERED TO YOUR INBOX.

Satire is annoying as fuck. Angry

You'll live (and maybe even develop a sense of humor) Thumbsup

(22-08-2015 07:30 PM)Revenant77x Wrote:  It is by will alone I set my brows in motion it is by the conditioner of avocado that the brows acquire volume the skin acquires spots the spots become a warning. It is by will alone I set my brows in motion.
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30-09-2015, 07:45 AM
RE: Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans
(30-09-2015 07:28 AM)Octapulse Wrote:  
(30-09-2015 07:24 AM)houseofcantor Wrote:  Satire is annoying as fuck. Angry

You'll live (and maybe even develop a sense of humor) Thumbsup

I highly doubt it. Angry

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30-09-2015, 07:47 AM
RE: Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans
(30-09-2015 07:24 AM)houseofcantor Wrote:  
Quote:GET NEWS SATIRE FROM THE BOROWITZ REPORT DELIVERED TO YOUR INBOX.

Satire is annoying as fuck. Angry

I'm with you. Humor is much more satisfying when it involves witty observation rather than making shit up.
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30-09-2015, 08:04 AM
RE: Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans
(30-09-2015 07:45 AM)houseofcantor Wrote:  
(30-09-2015 07:28 AM)Octapulse Wrote:  You'll live (and maybe even develop a sense of humor) Thumbsup

I highly doubt it. Angry

You need a hug. Hug

(22-08-2015 07:30 PM)Revenant77x Wrote:  It is by will alone I set my brows in motion it is by the conditioner of avocado that the brows acquire volume the skin acquires spots the spots become a warning. It is by will alone I set my brows in motion.
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30-09-2015, 08:18 AM
RE: Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans
Otherwise known in medical circles, as Delta Bravo Dot Connection Disease.

Insufferable know-it-all.Einstein God has a plan for us. Please stop screwing it up with your prayers.
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30-09-2015, 09:15 AM
RE: Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans
My only quibble with the report is that I doubt this strain evolved recently. I suspect that it has existed for a long time but was only recognizable by con men, charlatans, stage magicians, and cult leaders.

Atheism: it's not just for communists any more!
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30-09-2015, 11:51 AM
RE: Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans
(30-09-2015 07:24 AM)houseofcantor Wrote:  
Quote:GET NEWS SATIRE FROM THE BOROWITZ REPORT DELIVERED TO YOUR INBOX.

Satire is annoying as fuck. Angry

No!

Satire is awesome, and this article was very funny!
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30-09-2015, 12:01 PM
RE: Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans
(30-09-2015 11:51 AM)Aliza Wrote:  
(30-09-2015 07:24 AM)houseofcantor Wrote:  Satire is annoying as fuck. Angry

No!

Satire is awesome, and this article was very funny!

No. Big Grin

And to think I used to like you. Tongue

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