Secret atheist still involved in church
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27-12-2015, 01:45 AM
Secret atheist still involved in church
This is my first time ever talking about this but here it goes. I have been a christian since i was 4 years old and now i'm in my early 20s and i just cant believe anymore. So pretty much to make a very long story short about my whole perspective of the universe turned around and change. Plus, i had a huge fear that any hint of doubt would cause me to burn in unimaginable pain forever, that i had to get over and overcome. I will skip the story of the exact reasons for my atheism (which i will gladly share at some point) to move on with my purpose of the post,so here it is.

I'm currently attending one of the biggest churches in my neck of the woods. my whole family is involved in someway, i a drummer, and my other family members are also musicians at the church, plus involved in some of the ministries for the youth. My family is more on the liberal side so it could be worse and i'm happy with that. Here is my problem, I really enjoy playing in the band and it's a lot of fun. Music is a huge passion in my life, and at this church i have opportunities to play with some amazing musicians who i learned so much from. I get experience using top of the line instruments and equipment too (good old tithe money). But enough of the the selfish reasons. The thing that kills me is, i'm up in front of say 3000 maybe more people a week playing songs designed to worship a god that i don't believe in. I also have became good friends with some of the band members, and other people at the church over the years. I would be sad to lose them as friends and not be able to play music with them anymore. I'm pretty sure if i came out as an atheist folks at the church would be shocked as i have been going there for 17 years. Last week i just had someone tell me how weird it would be if ever left the church because i have been there for so long and am there a lot. Just to give an idea, sometimes i'm there to play music: Wednesday nights for a bible study,Thursday for a band rehearsal, Friday for a youth group,Saturday for another rehearsal then a service Saturday night then im back at it 7:00 am for three more services Sunday. i do this about every other week. Although its fun it is a lot of time invested for something i don't believe in. i have no idea what would happen if i told people i lost my faith. i don't know about my family either, i wish i knew what their reaction would be. Anyways that's one of my current life predicaments that i have no one to talk to about it. I'm not necessarily looking for advice but if you have some i'm open. Or, maybe i would like to see if someone else is involved in a church and pretending to be a Christian. If so do you have an escape plan, or are you going to take you're secret atheism to the grave with you?
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27-12-2015, 05:43 AM
RE: Secret atheist still involved in church
Yes, many of us have been where you are. In your shoes so to speak.

It can be difficult at times.

I'm so glad you found us, welcome.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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27-12-2015, 06:09 AM
RE: Secret atheist still involved in church
Keep your secret with you till you are able to financially support yourself and are mentally prepared to become an outcast. Living a life like yours is really painful because it is not just about lying to yourself but lying to anyone and everyone you love and care for. You'll have to come out eventually if you value your sanity, and taking that step is also hard. But many here have done it and it feels great to finally be free from all that burden. But before that, you really need to prepare for the fallout that is inevitable as well

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27-12-2015, 06:27 AM
RE: Secret atheist still involved in church
A friend played organ for his church for over a decade after he realized he was an atheist. We compared notes and I realized his situation was much the same as mine when I went with another friend to a voodoo "church" meeting in his home town in the Dominican Republic. We just quietly went along with the events and made it through to the part with the beer. Drinking Beverage
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27-12-2015, 06:29 AM
RE: Secret atheist still involved in church
Welcome drummer!

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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27-12-2015, 06:42 AM
RE: Secret atheist still involved in church
Not knowing your situation - if you still live with your parents, it would be hard. I think it best to wait until you have moved out and started your own life. Things will start looking different then.

Meanwhile, see if you can't make some friends outside of church, maybe join a band or frequent places with live music.

There is no point in upsetting everything and everyone, but you do need to work towards being able to lead your own life your own way, or you will end up being unhappy. No one can live forever in a situation where everything around you is a lie...

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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27-12-2015, 07:28 AM
RE: Secret atheist still involved in church
Have you tried broaching the subject in an indirect way? To gauge what your families viewpoints would be in such a situation?

Something like "I was reading on the internet the other day about how this person came out as atheist to their family and they abandoned them"

Obviously only do something like that if you feel you can, without bringing suspicion to yourself.

I feel so much, and yet I feel nothing.
I am a rock, I am the sky, the birds and the trees and everything beyond.
I am the wind, in the fields in which I roar. I am the water, in which I drown.
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27-12-2015, 07:30 AM
RE: Secret atheist still involved in church
(27-12-2015 01:45 AM)Redleader Wrote:  I'm not necessarily looking for advice but if you have some i'm open. Or, maybe i would like to see if someone else is involved in a church and pretending to be a Christian. If so do you have an escape plan, or are you going to take you're secret atheism to the grave with you?

Is your church liberal minded as your parents are?

One of our sister churches has a guitar play in their band that's a non-believer, but he's always been. I think the church hopes that by him participating in such away, that one day he'll come to believe. But he's still able to play music which he likes, without having to feel he's lying to everybody.

Since it doesn't seem your singing, or leading worship, perhaps it would be the same for you, if you disclosed your disbelief. I would think it would be harder on everybody if you told them you don't believe, and just left completely, as opposed to still being there in an auxiliary sort of way, playing the drums. But I guess all this would depend on the temperament of your church.

"Tell me, muse, of the storyteller who has been thrust to the edge of the world, both an infant and an ancient, and through him reveal everyman." ---Homer the aged poet.

"In Him was life, and the life was the Light of men. The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it."
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27-12-2015, 10:21 AM
RE: Secret atheist still involved in church
I've no advice to offer. I just want to say how awesome it would be to grab a mic and make the announcement of your de-conversion.

You can do your own drum roll and everything.

Please get someone to film it.

Thanks.

Wink

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27-12-2015, 10:27 AM
RE: Secret atheist still involved in church
Perhaps you need to very, very slowly wean yourself away from the church activities you love and replace them with the same activities in a different venue. It would probably be impossibly hard to make a quick change, so go slowly.

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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