Secular Marriage help
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30-05-2014, 03:49 PM
Secular Marriage help
I've been having marriage issues that really have me depressed. I turned to my best friend (self ID'd as agnostic) for advice and he recommended I see the film Fireproof and the book the The Love Dare saying it has some really great things I can learn from and to just ignore the religious non-sense. At this point I just want to fix things so I'm willing to watch the movie and read the book but it's hard to take a movie with Kirk Cameron seriously. Is there any secular books that you guys might know of?
-Ed
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30-05-2014, 04:23 PM
RE: Secular Marriage help
(30-05-2014 03:49 PM)~Abyss~ Wrote:  I've been having marriage issues that really have me depressed. I turned to my best friend (self ID'd as agnostic) for advice and he recommended I see the film Fireproof and the book the The Love Dare saying it has some really great things I can learn from and to just ignore the religious non-sense. At this point I just want to fix things so I'm willing to watch the movie and read the book but it's hard to take a movie with Kirk Cameron seriously. Is there any secular books that you guys might know of?
-Ed

What kind of issues exactly are you having? Having issues to me is a bit like being sick, it lacks the necessary precision.
As far as general advice goes, the best that I have heard off so far is the work of the researcher John Gottmann. But then again what makes marriages "work" or "fail" is still barely understood by psychologists.

"Newton's third law: The only way humans have ever figured out of getting somewhere is to leave something behind." - TARS, Interstellar
"Newtons drittes Gesetz: Der einzige Weg wie Menschen irgendwo hin kommen, ist der dass sie etwas zurücklassen." - TARS, Interstellar
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30-05-2014, 04:29 PM
RE: Secular Marriage help
I wasn't trying to bother people with the specifics. Pass few months my wife has told me she no longer loves me. She's been ignoring me, soon as she gets off work she gets on her phone and just text all day She no longer cleans or cook around the house and has even started neglecting our 2 year old daughter. I know I'm not a perfect person but I've never disrespected her and to be honest I suspect she might be having an affair. Maybe not a physical one but the only time I her smile any more is when she's on her phone texting "someone". I think she is starting to regret marrying young and having a kid so young. I've embraced the family life and I have not let my depression change the way I treat my daughter. I just want to make things better. I have tried talking about it with her but it gets ugly, she starts getting defensive and yells it always just ends up with me in tears and feeling worst.
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30-05-2014, 04:53 PM
RE: Secular Marriage help
(30-05-2014 04:29 PM)~Abyss~ Wrote:  I wasn't trying to bother people with the specifics. Pass few months my wife has told me she no longer loves me. She's been ignoring me, soon as she gets off work she gets on her phone and just text all day She no longer cleans or cook around the house and has even started neglecting our 2 year old daughter. I know I'm not a perfect person but I've never disrespected her and to be honest I suspect she might be having an affair. Maybe not a physical one but the only time I her smile any more is when she's on her phone texting "someone". I think she is starting to regret marrying young and having a kid so young. I've embraced the family life and I have not let my depression change the way I treat my daughter. I just want to make things better. I have tried talking about it with her but it gets ugly, she starts getting defensive and yells it always just ends up with me in tears and feeling worst.

I'm really sorry, Abyss.

Her withdrawal, an end to house work, and neglect of your daughter sounds like there could be some serious depression on her end. If she's regretting her life choices to this point that may be the culprit.

Have you asked her who she's texting? I agree, the behavior does not sound good. Let's hope it's just a good friend that makes her feel better, and not some kind of emotional (or otherwise) affair.

I don't know of any books that would help unfortunately. My best suggestion is to tell her very calmly that you two need to get couples counseling. You've gotta be firm there. I don't know what area you're in, but as long as it's not serious bible country, you will likely find a family therapist that is t going to push a religious angle.

Do you think she'd be willing to try at least one session?

Hug again, I'm so sorry Hug

Edit: and don't worry about bothering us. This area is specifically for personal issues and support. We got some really nice, caring, helpful folks here Big Grin

I hope that the world turns, and things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. - V for Vendetta
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30-05-2014, 05:00 PM
RE: Secular Marriage help
I'm sorry you're having a difficult time - especially with a 2-year old to take care of.

It doesn't sound as though reading a book is going to cure what ails your marriage. You are the willing participant - it's the unwilling participant that needs to change, and that won't happen by a mind meld. I would approach her with the idea of couples therapy/counseling. If she's unwilling to go with that, I'd say there's little chance of saving the marriage. Doesn't mean you shouldn't try, but remember it takes two to make a marriage. What you have now is a roommate.

We have enough youth. How about looking for the Fountain of Smart?
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01-06-2014, 08:51 PM
RE: Secular Marriage help
Thanks for the support guys and you all are right I think we need professional help. This weekend wasn't so bad we spent some family time together but there was still some something not quite right. I'll approach her with the idea of marriage counciling when the time is right. I appreciate the responses and support as for who she talks to on the phone every time I ask it's usually a friend but I've seen men's names that I don't know before to be honest I'm afraid to ask I don't think I would like to know if she is having an affair maybe that's not healthy but I have a lot going on in my life already that i don't want to add a bombshell like this affecting me.
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01-06-2014, 09:02 PM
RE: Secular Marriage help
It's understandable that you don't want the bombshell to go off now. I don't think it's unhealthy, unless you ignore the problem forever. You'll know when it's time to address it. The safest place to do that may actually be in a therapist's office if ur wife agrees to go. The therapist could help mediate a confrontation like that to minimize damage. Confronting her about it in a safe place could increase the chances of you two being able to work past it. Hug

I hope that the world turns, and things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. - V for Vendetta
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01-06-2014, 09:25 PM
RE: Secular Marriage help
Do you love her?

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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01-06-2014, 09:44 PM
RE: Secular Marriage help
This link will take you to a page to search for therapists that offer secular therapy. See if there is one in your area. http://www.seculartherapy.org

It takes two for a relationship to work. If she doesn't agree to go, go without her. They can help you thru staying or leaving in a healthy way. And give advice where the baby is concerned.


In this house the phone would have an accident or become misplaced, but YMMV.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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01-06-2014, 10:05 PM
RE: Secular Marriage help
My suggestion is that you try to get counselling as soon as you can, you don't want issues like depression snowball into a shitstorm. Trust me I've been there and I'm still cleaning up the mess.

My biggest problem with the Love Dare and Fireproof is not necessarily the religious propaganda, but the way it takes away all the responsibility for the ills of marriage on the woman and piles all the blame to the men. It's based on the male headship doctrine, sometimes known as complementarianism in evangelical circles. Its both mysoginistic and mysandrist because it treats women like children and has unrealistic expectations on men.

The fact that you have a 2 year old daughter is also important. IF you were to get divorced, statistically, your daughter will fare pretty badly in life. It will be harder for her to be successful (emotionally, academically, and economically) than almost every other social group (minorities, the poor, etc). It seems that you intuitively know this but your wife doesn't. It's regardless something to add to the equation regardless of what you decide to do.

I also recommend counselling or therapy for yourself as well especially given the depression issue.

May the force be with you.

“The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.” ― Richard Pryor
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