Secular Marriage help
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02-06-2014, 10:53 AM
RE: Secular Marriage help
(01-06-2014 09:25 PM)evenheathen Wrote:  Do you love her?
I do, despite all of this I haven't stopped loving her.

(01-06-2014 10:05 PM)djkamilo Wrote:  My suggestion is that you try to get counselling as soon as you can, you don't want issues like depression snowball into a shitstorm. Trust me I've been there and I'm still cleaning up the mess.

My biggest problem with the Love Dare and Fireproof is not necessarily the religious propaganda, but the way it takes away all the responsibility for the ills of marriage on the woman and piles all the blame to the men. It's based on the male headship doctrine, sometimes known as complementarianism in evangelical circles. Its both mysoginistic and mysandrist because it treats women like children and has unrealistic expectations on men.

The fact that you have a 2 year old daughter is also important. IF you were to get divorced, statistically, your daughter will fare pretty badly in life. It will be harder for her to be successful (emotionally, academically, and economically) than almost every other social group (minorities, the poor, etc). It seems that you intuitively know this but your wife doesn't. It's regardless something to add to the equation regardless of what you decide to do.

I also recommend counselling or therapy for yourself as well especially given the depression issue.

May the force be with you.
I completely agree, I was watching Fireproof and it seems I related more with the wife than I did with Kirk's character. She's the one that tends to get angry easily and put the blame on me for things that aren't my fault. For example she got into a small fender bender the other day. She told me that it's because I haven't been letting her drive the car and so she was rusty. There was a 3 day period where my breaks started to go out so I told her not to drive until I get them fixed and before those 3 days if we would go anywhere I'd ask her if she would like to drive and she always answered no. But somehow she has it in her mind that ultimately it's my fault for not asking her if she wanted to drive enough times. I really am starting to suspect mental health issues and so I'm not mad at her feeling this way I'm more concerned for both her and my daughter. As you stated a divorce can be damaging to my daughter and I would not wish that on her. I want her to succeed in life and be better than me, and statistically we are poor, we are minorities, and she is a girl so I know that a adding a child of divorced parents will contribute to that hardship. Again thank you all for your support I looked into that secular therapist page and I will be seeking help for us as soon as possible.
-Eddy
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02-06-2014, 11:04 AM (This post was last modified: 02-06-2014 11:07 AM by Bows and Arrows.)
RE: Secular Marriage help
Check with your employee benefits, I think it's usually listed as EA sessions?? It's for counseling. Many places don't cover mental health counseling, but many employers offer an EA type program.


This is usually a separate benefit from your regular healthcare plan, call your HR dept.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Employee_as...ce_program


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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02-06-2014, 05:09 PM
RE: Secular Marriage help
As you broach the subject of counselling, perhaps start off by letting her know how much you value her. Also let her know you feel like you've been put on the back burner. You also value your marriage and since you don't know how to fix it, you'd like it if the two of you would go for counselling. Whatever you do, don't make it sound like blame, just your feelings.
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03-06-2014, 06:12 AM
RE: Secular Marriage help
I would not reccomend Fireproof as a marriage fix it movie. When wife and I were in marriage cousouling our counsouler asked us to watch it together. I found it to be hokey with religious based specific gender roles.

It sounds like cousouling may help, but you both have to be willing to be honest and do what is asked for it to work.

I have no advice on the suspected messing around. For me that is one of the few unforgivables when it comes to my marriage.

Best of luck
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03-06-2014, 08:19 AM
RE: Secular Marriage help
At the moment she has her marriage and her child, she wants more and so she's looking elsewhere.

She is taking her marriage and child for granted and if she suddenly found that she had to fight for them then it might make her realise what's important to her.

If she's not doing housework now there won't be any way of escaping it if she's divorced with a child.

I'm not saying that you should take the child and file for divorce and have a long drawn out battle for custody, but if she started thinking along the implications of her own behaviour by herself then it might make her realise that she should face up to her problems, whatever they are.

It's possible that she might not respect you if she is taking you for granted and the arguments end with you in tears. Especially if she is having an affair which it sounds like she is. If it gets really bad, you could even ask her calmly if she wants to live by herself. Don't say it as a threat but get her to face up to what she is doing. You need to start thinking about your own self-worth as well as the needs of your 2-year old. That means standing up for yourself and having the confidence and inner strength to stand your ground. It may help her to appreciate you more and end the affair.
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05-06-2014, 10:28 AM
RE: Secular Marriage help
Communication Miracles for Couples by Jonathan Robinson.

It's full of great stuff. Also, google, google, google. Great stuff too.

These two sources have really helped out my wife and I.

If things are really rough, go to counseling. It can work wonders. Smile

"A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be."- Albert Einstein.

"We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special." Steven Hawking
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