Seeking Some Advice - Religion In the Home
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21-02-2013, 10:05 AM
RE: Seeking Some Advice - Religion In the Home
Hey well just know you're not alone because this year my Senior year I was in a dilemma like this. In the back of my mind I was starting to question God but I kept trying to open my mind to Christian morals by attending youth group. It wasn't untill at least 3 or 4 times that I walked out of youth group unsatisified I finally took it as a sign I'm better off without religion.
I was dating a guy who was a Christian and didn't want to break up with him for being an Atheist but after I did it I actaully felt more relief than hurt once I did it. It really was not untill I came out to a guy friend of mine who I knew was an Atheist from a club at school that I found the strength to do so.
My guy friend made the comment"Don't break up with someone for being religous. Question him with Scientific facts you're a smart girl!"
I thought that was such a sweet way of saying I shouldn't feel bad about breaking up with someone over religous differences. I'm pretty sure now the guy from this club has a crush on me even though he swears he doesn't. I also have a crush on him now too, but I'm not pushing for him to reveal his feelings.
His comment helped me move on quick, but my boyfriend did not want to move on.
I told him I was an Atheist and he said he accepted my beliefs, but then he kept sending me messages. He would not take no as no so eventually I had to unfriend him, and block his messages on facebook and he eventually gave up.

I can see where you're going with seeing that you and your wife trust each other but there are religous differences. Here's another way to look at the situation.
I used to be a Wiccan and I think after being one possibly a Wiccan and an Atheist could date. Wicca believes there is no right way to go. Whatever belief system feels right to you is ok because everyone when they die will go to the summerlands and be reincarnated into another life. Wiccans don't try to change other people's beliefs. As long as an Atheist is fine with a Wiccan staying a Wiccan they could date.
Personally I would not date a Wiccan. I wouldn't mind having a friend who's Wiccan but I would definetly not want to live with someone who is Wiccan and be sorrounded by all the Witchy stuff.
However compared to Wiccans, Christians are all about converting people. They are all about making sure people are saved by Jesus so they don't burn eternally in hell.
Children mimic adults. What if there is an issue that the child faces and you have a common sense solution for the child and then your wife has a biblical solution that you don't agree with? What if one of your kids takes the Atheist side and not the Christian side. I could see you getting a fight with your wife right there.
You can still have a decent relationship with your wife through being friends. I've heard stories of some parents who were better off just being friends with each other rather than being spouses.
Also know divorce can hurt a child. I had a friend who was divorced and she said the pain of divorce was life long. I think but I'm not quite sure her mom and dad divorced over religion. She said her dad was a Jehova's Witness and I think the mom was not religious.
You're in a situation right now where I think it's best to move on and find another Atheist women.
I think it's ok to disagree over little things in friendships or marriage, but religous beliefs I think should be pretty similiar.
Here's an example. Both my parents are Christians, but my mom does not approve of watching ghost shows like Ghost Hunter, or Ghost Adventures. My dad enjoys watching these shows. They reached a compromise to just to not talk about these shows with each other. They don't agree with each other but it hasn't ruined their marriage.
You can still love your children even with a divorce. You can still visit your children from time to time. I have some friends who are divorced and do this.
Divorcing still has consequences like what to do with the kids, and paying child support.
A old teacher of mine said she was divorced twice because she really wasn't listening to that inner voice in her head that said "Don't do it!"
I took her advice and ended my relationship before I ended up in a situation like this.
I go by the phrase by Paulo Coehlo" If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello."
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22-02-2013, 08:01 AM
RE: Seeking Some Advice - Religion In the Home
In the end it doesn't matter whether you and your wife believe the same things. What matters is whether or not you have a truce on your differences and are willing to overlook them in favour of your love and commitment to one another.

If you can't get past that she's a Christian and believes differently to you... if you let that eat at you then of course this can go from bad to worse.
If you can't accept her pushing her views on your children, or she can't accept you doing the same then this can go from bad to worse. The school situation is a part of that balance. I'm lucky enough that my wife has so far allowed my to be honest with my children about what I know and what I believe. In turn I don't criticise her beliefs, I participate in grace before a meal, and I generally keep my own thoughts to myself except when asked directly about them by my children.

Arriving at a truce on this topic is made more difficult by the presence of children, but a truce is needed if you want things to get better. Finding a truce that both sides are genuinely comfortable with is hard, and the lines of demarcation may change over time. If you are committed to her and to your children then you'll have to find a way to negotiate those lines of demarcation with her. Perhaps those negotiations will come in the form of an explicit exchange of groundrules. Perhaps they will come by one or other of you saying "I've been doing xxx... how do you feel about that?" or "I notice you've been doing yyy. Can we talk about it? It makes me uncomfortable and I'd like to tell you why.". Look maybe one or the other of you will change your beliefs one day, but these things don't happen overnight, and you can't expect a spouse to follow you in your own changes of belief. If you are committed to your relationship then you have to sort out those lines of demarcation. You have to arrive at a truce. Me, I think it's almost always going to be better to stay committed to an OK relationship with hope of improvement than to let it fall into the trash.

Give me your argument in the form of a published paper, and then we can start to talk.
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27-02-2013, 03:16 PM
RE: Seeking Some Advice - Religion In the Home
I completely agree with Hafnof. I don't envy you in the least, but be encouraged that it is possible that your wife may eventually come to her senses. If you had told me five years ago that I would become an atheist, I would have told you that you were crazy.
I was in your wife's position at one time and unfortunately, our children were adversely affected, not by our differences, but by the way my husband and I HANDLED our differences. If you can maintain a loving and encouraging stance toward each other--THAT will be what your kids will remember about your relationship. Keeping their respect is very important. If they lose respect for you, it will not matter how "right" you are about religious issues.
My mother was a devout bible-thumping Christian. My father was, and is, a Jew and an Atheist. They agreed on very little when it came to religion. However, I never lost respect for my father one iota based on their differences because no matter what, he never disrespected my mother's faith, never ridiculed her in any way. Likewise, my mother afforded him the same. They loved each other without condition. He also respected the fact that at the time, I followed in my mother's faith. I always knew where he stood, but he let me make up my own mind. It took me a long time, but I eventually grew a brain. You have to let your children come to their own conclusions in their own time.
You just never know what the future holds that might change your wife's views.
TJ
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04-03-2013, 07:45 PM
RE: Seeking Some Advice - Religion In the Home
I almost have to laugh at this...but only because I was forced into church as a child and I now hate it. (i.e. me being on this site. Smile I agree with you about not wanting to force it on the kids. It doesn't create a really good outcome when they are like me and grown.

I was also raised that couples should not be unequally yoked. I personally don't see it as a problem as long as there is a mutual respect for each other's belief. (my mother would croak if she read that.) My son also goes to a christian pre-k and is constantly coming home with a ridiculous amount of religious stuff. It bothers me for reasons I can't explain.

I was telling a girl at work that it bothered me that they were teaching him bible verses and all that in school. I'm not suprised by that since after all it is a christian school and the program is abeka, a christian based program. It just gets under my skin. Maybe because I was force fed all that stuff when I was a child or maybe because some part of me doesn't believe it. I can understand you being a little annoyed at their learing criteria. My feelings on that are similar to yours. I want him to have faith and some exposure to religion. I just don't want it forced on him the way it was on me and I don't want him resenting as I do. I want it to be his decision if he believes or not.
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10-04-2013, 02:05 PM
RE: Seeking Some Advice - Religion In the Home
I DVR'd "Jesus, The Rise To Power" on the history channel - I am going to ask her to watch it with me. If she is going to believe in something this deeply, she should dive in with two feet right? She should be able to recite many verses of the bible, she should know the real story of Jesus, she should know how the Roman Empire catapulted Jesus into fame, etc.

Like I said, it's all been good, and I really dont't give a flying shit what she believes in. I just think she is ignorant for doing so. It completely changes though when my kids are involved and you see them being indoctrinated.
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10-04-2013, 03:37 PM
RE: Seeking Some Advice - Religion In the Home
I'm a teen myself, being 17, and my mom raised me to her beliefs. Now I no longer believe in any deity, I feel cheated to have been forced this myth.

I wished my father had told my mom to back off so I could decide what to believe in on my own, not to be forced into it. You need to talk to your wife about this, I'm not saying either side is right but the two of you must work together as a team, and this issue is something that will affect your kids for the rest of their lives.

Bury me with my guns on, so when I reach the other side - I can show him what it feels like to die.
Bury me with my guns on, so when I'm cast out of the sky, I can shoot the devil right between the eyes.
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12-04-2013, 07:09 AM
RE: Seeking Some Advice - Religion In the Home
(29-01-2013 10:00 AM)jasonetc Wrote:  They are force-fed this stuff at school and bring home "jesus is the boss" type of comments. Part of me says, it's OK, they're still young and it's not going to hurt them now

Wrong. Wrong. It is precisely NOW it WILL hurt them.
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