Self Esteem Issues
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29-03-2012, 12:36 PM
Self Esteem Issues
Anyone else here have REAL issues with self esteem?
Suggestions as to how to fix it?
Have been called a lot of things by people close to me...or really put down. Just want to know if anyone else here has had or perhaps has made a habit out of cutting, or causing bodily harm to themselves.
It is something I have dealt with and sometimes struggle not to do when I feel bad about myself.
Lately have really had issues with it too. Fellow believers...have implied that I am a liar, niave, imature, over emotional, and unstable....
I would appreciate any insight or experience had by any here. How did you develop a toughter skin? How did you cope?
Thoughts....?
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29-03-2012, 12:58 PM
RE: Self Esteem Issues
Hi AnotherSinner,
Welcome again!
I have real self-esteem issues. I've had them for over 40 years. I haven't been a cutter, but I am familiar with it from among friends, and from when I did my masters in counseling many moons ago. I also am quite familiar with being suicidal and so depressed and anxious that I thought I couldn't carry on a minute longer. So I hear you. And I recognize your pain.

First off, you really are safe and accepted here. Doesn't that seem surprising that I, an atheist, would say that to you, a believer? But it's true. We are very accepting, you'll be possibly amazed. I would be shocked and pissed if anyone here were to call you names or make you feel the way your fellow believers have. This is a real issue and it can be a very dangerous one.

So the number 1 answer to your question of how do you deal with it is likely an answer you won't want to hear because it's probably the hardest and really only step that you must take. You must not do this on your own. And I don't mean pray about it and ask for God to help. Even if I were still a pastor, I would tell you that prayer is only the first step, not the final step. You must get human help. And that human help must be trained in helping this sort of behavior, not just your best friend or your family or whatever. Tell your doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist. Call a therapist. Google support groups for cutting in your area. Dani, I hope you will see this as a serious issue that needs care from the right professionals.

Then comes, what can you do on your own for your own healing? If you have a way to get away from the people who are putting you down, I'd start there. I refuse to spend large amounts of time with people who are toxic for me emotionally.

I could rant on and on, but digest that info first. Make a plan today to seek out professional care through a doctor or therapist or school counselor. Even though you're a theist, I would not recommend you talk to your pastor, unless you know your pastor to be a well-qualified counselor. But too many pastors heap on the guilt on cutters because they don't understand it and it scares them so they fall back on "Pray and everything will be ok." Well, I'm sure you've prayed a lot and not everything is ok.

Hang in there. Keep sharing. Keep finding the amazingness of each day we have!

From,
A caring Atheist/Baby-eater. Big Grin

"All that is necessary for the triumph of Calvinism is that good Atheists do nothing." ~Eric Oh My
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29-03-2012, 01:09 PM
RE: Self Esteem Issues
(29-03-2012 12:36 PM)AnotherSinner Wrote:  Anyone else here have REAL issues with self esteem?
Suggestions as to how to fix it?
Have been called a lot of things by people close to me...or really put down. Just want to know if anyone else here has had or perhaps has made a habit out of cutting, or causing bodily harm to themselves.
It is something I have dealt with and sometimes struggle not to do when I feel bad about myself.
Lately have really had issues with it too. Fellow believers...have implied that I am a liar, niave, imature, over emotional, and unstable....
I would appreciate any insight or experience had by any here. How did you develop a toughter skin? How did you cope?
Thoughts....?
I've known two girls who used to cut themselves. Lost touch so I don't know if they still do. I can get why you'd do it oddly enough, not that I'd ever do it - too scared Tongue

I've had self esteem issues in the past. One way I control it is through exercise. It's hard not to care about what people say about you, even on the internet where everyone's anonymous, a comment can be really cutting. One thing that helped me was when I realised that everyone is pretty much equal. We're all lost here, no one really has all the answers - that's for each person to work out individually on their own. I used to look at popular kids (I was never popular) and envy them... now... I learned to like myself for who I am. Once you start to like yourself it kind of snowballs and other people like you too. It's not a quick process. There's years of angst to go through before you get there. Right now I'm very happy with how things are for me. Realise that you won't *always* be that way, you can change it. The changing is hard and takes time though.


Erx... spot on mate. Well said.
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29-03-2012, 01:17 PM
RE: Self Esteem Issues
Have you gone to see a professional about this?

I think you really need to!

Usually there is an underlying issue that can be treated and you could feel a lot better, about yourself and the world, if you got some treatment.

I am sure you have done the basic research on it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-harm

I used to have a neighbor I was friends with. She showed me the inside of her arms - cuts top to bottom. She was otherwise functional but she couldn't help cutting herself.

She did finally go for treatment and she turned out to have an anxiety disorder that could be treated with pills.

Not saying you have this, there can be many reasons. If people close to you treat you like you described, that alone can trigger you.

You know, real friends won't call you names like that. You might want to reconsider who you hang out with.

Again, go see a professional. You don't have to take their advice if you don't want to. Once you know what the issue is, there are many online message boards that can help with such things. Self diagnosis is too difficult as there are so many variations of causes.

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Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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29-03-2012, 01:21 PM
RE: Self Esteem Issues
Id say the worst that anybody has affected me with there words was when I finished with an Ex-Girlfriend. Our relationship was very sexually charged and after the relationship ended she bombarded and harresed me saying that I had a small penis and that she had faked every orgasm and that I was shit at sex.

A few weeks later she got in touch and apologised for everything she had said......that it was all bullshit...... she was hurting and it was just a way to get at me. The damage had been done though and the next time I had a sexual relationship I suffered from erectile dysfunction.

This smashed my self esteem even more and I went on a very low ebb for a while....... I didnt feel like much of a man.

I overcame it by believeing in myself...... by reprograming the way I think with positive affirmations. We give so much power to other people, especially the ones we trust and even sometimes love. Now if somebody says something hurftull to me I tell them and I also dont let it bother me. If something is on my mind and bothering me then if I can address it and deal with it I do..... I dont let things escalate or get worse no matter how hard they are. I know this may not be the case for every scenario though.

Other than that I just push through it and keep reminding myself on how an amazing individual I am and look at the positive things about myself...... easy for me to say now because I have just come out of a bout of depression but what doesnt kill you just makes you stronger.

This song helps me on bad days.




For no matter how much I use these symbols, to describe symptoms of my existence.
You are your own emphasis.
So I say nothing.

-Bemore.
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29-03-2012, 01:24 PM
RE: Self Esteem Issues
If you go to a professional and things do not go right do not write off the plan. I went to 35 counselors before I found the right one. Yes it was expensive, and no I couldn't really afford them, but when I did find that perfect fit it really helped me to get past some of my issues.

Another big suggestion of mine since you are religious try to sometimes sit and think to yourself, not praying or asking for guidance try talking with yourself, perhaps the answers you come to will be more helpful. You do not exactly need the perfect answer to this problem you need the one that will fit you. I see a huge difference in asking yourself a question and in asking god one. I've talked with a lot of christians who really needed this small difference and for that matter ex-christians. When you start an inner dialogue sometimes the best plan is not to expect the perfect answer to come from the beginning.

I hope you talk with a lot of people here expanding your social network can really help to change your self image, especially talking with people who are not the same as others in your social group. Leaving your comfort zone is one of the simplest ways to improve your self image, just remember not to stay somewhere that makes you feel unpleasant.

And Moron's suggestion of excercise is a really good one. When you excercise you release feel good chemicals in your body which help you to feel better. If you are female I personally would suggest Curves for women, I don't like gyms, but have trouble excercising on my own. Curves was a place where I felt very comfortable and the excercises were things that were doable by people with weak bones, etc.

Whatever you do don't give up, if you keep looking for answers you'll find one that works for you.

I'm not a non believer, I believe in the possibility of anything. I just don't let the actuality of something be determined by a 3rd party.
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29-03-2012, 01:26 PM (This post was last modified: 29-03-2012 10:16 PM by DeepThought.)
RE: Self Esteem Issues
(edited to extract reply from quote text)
(29-03-2012 12:58 PM)Erxomai Wrote:  Hi AnotherSinner,
Welcome again!
I have real self-esteem issues. I've had them for over 40 years. I haven't been a cutter, but I am familiar with it from among friends, and from when I did my masters in counseling many moons ago. I also am quite familiar with being suicidal and so depressed and anxious that I thought I couldn't carry on a minute longer. So I hear you. And I recognize your pain.

First off, you really are safe and accepted here. Doesn't that seem surprising that I, an atheist, would say that to you, a believer? But it's true. We are very accepting, you'll be possibly amazed. I would be shocked and pissed if anyone here were to call you names or make you feel the way your fellow believers have. This is a real issue and it can be a very dangerous one.

So the number 1 answer to your question of how do you deal with it is likely an answer you won't want to hear because it's probably the hardest and really only step that you must take. You must not do this on your own. And I don't mean pray about it and ask for God to help. Even if I were still a pastor, I would tell you that prayer is only the first step, not the final step. You must get human help. And that human help must be trained in helping this sort of behavior, not just your best friend or your family or whatever. Tell your doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist. Call a therapist. Google support groups for cutting in your area. Dani, I hope you will see this as a serious issue that needs care from the right professionals.

Then comes, what can you do on your own for your own healing? If you have a way to get away from the people who are putting you down, I'd start there. I refuse to spend large amounts of time with people who are toxic for me emotionally.

I could rant on and on, but digest that info first. Make a plan today to seek out professional care through a doctor or therapist or school counselor. Even though you're a theist, I would not recommend you talk to your pastor, unless you know your pastor to be a well-qualified counselor. But too many pastors heap on the guilt on cutters because they don't understand it and it scares them so they fall back on "Pray and everything will be ok." Well, I'm sure you've prayed a lot and not everything is ok.

Hang in there. Keep sharing. Keep finding the amazingness of each day we have!

From,
A caring Atheist/Baby-eater. Big Grin
Thank you for taking the time to respond as you did. Words for me have really been a quick downer. Though I am mostly used to it, it hurts a lot. I have not really cut myself recently....but it is still a thought that is entertained. Still have faded scars from high school burns where words such as 'hoe' and 'B****' were ones I sought to permanently marr myself with.
Think the hardest part for me at the present is those who have insulted me...admit no fault whatsoever.
 Had others more or less question me when I shared with them the bad experiences my husband had trying to find a church family growing up. Got responses like: "Where are you from? Like a distant part of Peru? That sort of thing would NEVER happen in the U.S." And "I do not mean to call you a liar, but do you believe everything you hear?" 
Was I misreading this when I felt I was being called a liar or niave? Gullible even? When I addressed this I was and have been told this:
"We all need to check ourselves to see if what we are telling ourselves is really what is being said. Often times, when we start to read into a statement, we come out with a lie. We start to inject our thoughts into another person words, changing the meaning and making an argument that is not there."
And otherwise was told by another that he was tired of my "knee jerk reactions." Otherwise that I was 'overreacting and emotional.' 
Which made sense to me that I was as the source of information I received and shared was from my own experience and the experience my husband was brave enough to share with me. If I cannot trust my spouse....then yes, something is really wrong. 
Really makes me question just how sane I really am....
This does not even cover the tip of the ice burg either. My own mother is always saying things like: She can't cook. 
Yet others have argued with her over and over....yet she will not buy into it. I am constantly questioning my worth as an individual. ....Sorry now I am throwing a pitty party. Anyone want an invite? Wink 
Sorry had to add that pun at the end....had to try to cast a little humor.
Thanks though for reading...I appreciate it. 
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29-03-2012, 01:29 PM
RE: Self Esteem Issues
I suggest a hobby. I used to be really insecure about myself. I would never speak of for fear of being picked on and insulted. How different my life is now. I'm probably the most outspoken person I know. It's like I grew a gift for gab. I got interested in car audio when I was around 17 or 18. I met some cool people, learned some new things, and being around people that didn't bash everything I said really helped me develop more confidence in my thoughts and opinions. I'm concerned though because you indicated that you might be hurting yourself. I can't say I ever got that far but I'm sure you're smart enough to recognize what a bad idea that is. It only makes it worse when you allow them to affect you in such a way. Fight it and prove them wrong by not doing it. Beat them by helping yourself. And if you have any interests try and find people who share those interests so you can have genuine friends and good conversations. Just a little confidence is probably all you need.

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect.”

-Mark Twain
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29-03-2012, 01:41 PM (This post was last modified: 29-03-2012 02:08 PM by AnotherSinner.)
RE: Self Esteem Issues
Am writing a book presently. No...not religious...medieval fantasy. Love to write...and takes away the sting sometimes.
(29-03-2012 01:26 PM)AnotherSinner Wrote:  
(29-03-2012 12:58 PM)Erxomai Wrote:  Hi AnotherSinner,
Welcome again!
I have real self-esteem issues. I've had them for over 40 years. I haven't been a cutter, but I am familiar with it from among friends, and from when I did my masters in counseling many moons ago. I also am quite familiar with being suicidal and so depressed and anxious that I thought I couldn't carry on a minute longer. So I hear you. And I recognize your pain.

First off, you really are safe and accepted here. Doesn't that seem surprising that I, an atheist, would say that to you, a believer? But it's true. We are very accepting, you'll be possibly amazed. I would be shocked and pissed if anyone here were to call you names or make you feel the way your fellow believers have. This is a real issue and it can be a very dangerous one.

So the number 1 answer to your question of how do you deal with it is likely an answer you won't want to hear because it's probably the hardest and really only step that you must take. You must not do this on your own. And I don't mean pray about it and ask for God to help. Even if I were still a pastor, I would tell you that prayer is only the first step, not the final step. You must get human help. And that human help must be trained in helping this sort of behavior, not just your best friend or your family or whatever. Tell your doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist. Call a therapist. Google support groups for cutting in your area. Dani, I hope you will see this as a serious issue that needs care from the right professionals.

Then comes, what can you do on your own for your own healing? If you have a way to get away from the people who are putting you down, I'd start there. I refuse to spend large amounts of time with people who are toxic for me emotionally.

I could rant on and on, but digest that info first. Make a plan today to seek out professional care through a doctor or therapist or school counselor. Even though you're a theist, I would not recommend you talk to your pastor, unless you know your pastor to be a well-qualified counselor. But too many pastors heap on the guilt on cutters because they don't understand it and it scares them so they fall back on "Pray and everything will be ok." Well, I'm sure you've prayed a lot and not everything is ok.

Hang in there. Keep sharing. Keep finding the amazingness of each day we have!

From,
A caring Atheist/Baby-eater. Big Grin
Thank you for taking the time to respond as you did. Words for me have really been a quick downer. Though I am mostly used to it, it hurts a lot. I have not really cut myself recently....but it is still a thought that is entertained. Still have faded scars from high school burns where words such as 'hoe' and 'B****' were ones I sought to permanently marr myself with.
Think the hardest part for me at the present is those who have insulted me...admit no fault whatsoever.
Had others more or less question me when I shared with them the bad experiences my husband had trying to find a church family growing up. Got responses like: "Where are you from? Like a distant part of Peru? That sort of thing would NEVER happen in the U.S." And "I do not mean to call you a liar, but do you believe everything you hear?"
Was I misreading this when I felt I was being called a liar or niave? Gullible even? When I addressed this I was and have been told this:
"We all need to check ourselves to see if what we are telling ourselves is really what is being said. Often times, when we start to read into a statement, we come out with a lie. We start to inject our thoughts into another person words, changing the meaning and making an argument that is not there."
And otherwise was told by another that he was tired of my "knee jerk reactions." Otherwise that I was 'overreacting and emotional.'
Which made sense to me that I was as the source of information I received and shared was from my own experience and the experience my husband was brave enough to share with me. If I cannot trust my spouse....then yes, something is really wrong.
Really makes me question just how sane I really am....
This does not even cover the tip of the ice burg either. My own mother is always saying things like: She can't cook.
Yet others have argued with her over and over....yet she will not buy into it. I am constantly questioning my worth as an individual. ....Sorry now I am throwing a pitty party. Anyone want an invite? Wink
Sorry had to add that pun at the end....had to try to cast a little humor.
Thanks though for reading...I appreciate it.
Still trying to figure out the quote system here...oye....I am in need of tech skills.
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29-03-2012, 02:15 PM
RE: Self Esteem Issues
(29-03-2012 01:41 PM)AnotherSinner Wrote:  Am writing a book presently. No...not religious...medieval fantasy. Love to write...and takes away the sting sometimes.
(29-03-2012 01:26 PM)AnotherSinner Wrote:  Thank you for taking the time to respond as you did. Words for me have really been a quick downer. Though I am mostly used to it, it hurts a lot. I have not really cut myself recently....but it is still a thought that is entertained. Still have faded scars from high school burns where words such as 'hoe' and 'B****' were ones I sought to permanently marr myself with.
Think the hardest part for me at the present is those who have insulted me...admit no fault whatsoever.
Had others more or less question me when I shared with them the bad experiences my husband had trying to find a church family growing up. Got responses like: "Where are you from? Like a distant part of Peru? That sort of thing would NEVER happen in the U.S." And "I do not mean to call you a liar, but do you believe everything you hear?"
Was I misreading this when I felt I was being called a liar or niave? Gullible even? When I addressed this I was and have been told this:
"We all need to check ourselves to see if what we are telling ourselves is really what is being said. Often times, when we start to read into a statement, we come out with a lie. We start to inject our thoughts into another person words, changing the meaning and making an argument that is not there."
And otherwise was told by another that he was tired of my "knee jerk reactions." Otherwise that I was 'overreacting and emotional.'
Which made sense to me that I was as the source of information I received and shared was from my own experience and the experience my husband was brave enough to share with me. If I cannot trust my spouse....then yes, something is really wrong.
Really makes me question just how sane I really am....
This does not even cover the tip of the ice burg either. My own mother is always saying things like: She can't cook.
Yet others have argued with her over and over....yet she will not buy into it. I am constantly questioning my worth as an individual. ....Sorry now I am throwing a pitty party. Anyone want an invite? Wink
Sorry had to add that pun at the end....had to try to cast a little humor.
Thanks though for reading...I appreciate it.
Still trying to figure out the quote system here...oye....I am in need of tech skills.


Do you at least know exactly what you're insecure about? Is it looks, being around people, and or were you picked on in school?
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