Self Esteem Issues
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29-03-2012, 02:33 PM
RE: Self Esteem Issues
First, before I say anything else, I agree with everyone who suggested getting some form of help. If you can afford to, a therapist would be good. It might take time to find the right one. I never did, personally. But then I am difficult.

I am, apparently, insecure. I don't cut myself, but I do indulge in some other behaviour which my therapist decided was self-destructive, even though I can't really see how. You can see why don't go to her anymore. But that's not the point. I also start going to other extremes, and start telling myself that I am better than everyone else to mask my insecurity.

One thing that really helps me is to rationalise all my feelings. Whenever I feel like I don't want to leave the house because I'm too self-conscious, or I don't want to work with other researchers because they must think I'm too stupid, I stop and rationalise my thoughts. I try to let rational thoughts overcome emotional ones. Like: I'm just as qualified as the other researchers on my team, otherwise I wouldn't be published. I put that into my head and make myself believe it.

Also: Everyone should have at least one friend who, when you're feeling down, will remind you how awesome you are.

"But the point is, find somebody to love. Everything else is overrated." - HouseofCantor
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29-03-2012, 02:37 PM (This post was last modified: 29-03-2012 02:42 PM by kineo.)
RE: Self Esteem Issues
Your story sounds very similar to my wife's story. Her mother was also verbally abusive to her, constantly putting her down. She never started cutting and hurting herself. But it has scarred her emotionally. She hears a lot about "overreacting", or being "overly emotional", a "drama queen", etc. She's actually just very intelligent. She picks up on the subtext of what someone is saying and confronts them with it. I encountered that very quickly in our relationship. I learned from her that what you say betrays your true thoughts and feelings... And there is this idea that's often spread around the church of "I can say what I want, it's you who chooses to take offense." It's a very wrong and damaging philosophy. That sounds like what you're encountering, being told that you need to look into yourself and see if you're "making it up" by inserting your own emotions. This is a way of deflecting any personal responsibility for what they said, while still being able to criticize you. It makes you feel even worse because it suggests that you shouldn't be thinking critically. And critical thinking is extremely important.

Don't hang around people and don't listen to people who put you down like that.

Everyone above me gave good advice- see a professional for help, think positive things about yourself and train yourself to think positively (without giving up your ability to think critically or self-awareness), exercise, get a hobby, etc.
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29-03-2012, 02:47 PM
RE: Self Esteem Issues
I used to have some real, real issues on this matter. I was called names and mocked and stuff that usually go with being the weakest/nerdiest/smartest(Tongue) kid in the class. And I used to be fucked up because of that, really trying hard to make friends and all... I looked for escape in the books, you know, reading lots and lots of fantasy and sci-fi, trying to remove myself from the reality that hurt me, all that kind of stuff. But at one moment, I said to myself - wait wait wait, dude. What the fuck? You're the greatest dude there is, you're the best friend you'll ever have and you don't need anyone's approval or whatever. I started looking at myself as a self-sustainable island. And at the moment I said 'fuck off' to everything that used to trouble me, things started to get better. I got a few friends, I met the greatest girl (and we've been together for more than 6 years now), and I really started feeling better about myself. And I started relying on myself more, not just in social matters, but in every way possible. So my suggestion is - fuck everybody. You don't need people who can't accept you for who you are. And, in my opinion, better no friends at all, than some pretentious assholes who just put you down all the time and stand in your way of personal growth. I used books, hobbies and science to help me get over the fact that I wasn't accepted and part of the herd. Now I'm proud of who I am and I'm happy things were as they were, for those things helped me grow into the person I am today. It sounds silly and you might think you can't do that, and in the beginning you'll feel like you're actually just pretending you don't care, but after some time, you'll either really stop caring, or you'll convince yourself you don't care. And you'll feel better nevertheless. It worked for me, and all I can do is to suggest you to try the same.

Oh, and one more thing - always smile. Big Grin

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29-03-2012, 02:49 PM
RE: Self Esteem Issues
(29-03-2012 02:33 PM)Smooshmonster Wrote:  First, before I say anything else, I agree with everyone who suggested getting some form of help. If you can afford to, a therapist would be good. It might take time to find the right one. I never did, personally. But then I am difficult.

I am, apparently, insecure. I don't cut myself, but I do indulge in some other behaviour which my therapist decided was self-destructive, even though I can't really see how. You can see why don't go to her anymore. But that's not the point. I also start going to other extremes, and start telling myself that I am better than everyone else to mask my insecurity.

One thing that really helps me is to rationalise all my feelings. Whenever I feel like I don't want to leave the house because I'm too self-conscious, or I don't want to work with other researchers because they must think I'm too stupid, I stop and rationalise my thoughts. I try to let rational thoughts overcome emotional ones. Like: I'm just as qualified as the other researchers on my team, otherwise I wouldn't be published. I put that into my head and make myself believe it.

Also: Everyone should have at least one friend who, when you're feeling down, will remind you how awesome you are.


Wow...I sure hope you as well as others who posted in here are able to overcome this. You guys must just not give up. I have my insecurities...I'm currently in nursing school. Though I'm generally a social butterfly and love being around people, when I have to do a speech I get extremely nervous and nauseaus. I can't stand public speaking and hate looking at people in the eyes. Knowing that they are all looking at me just kills my insides. That's about it for me though. I can see that some have it far worse than me and please just DON'T GIVE UP on yourself. I'm sure you're in the position you are (as far as jobs) because you are extremely talented, intelligent, and of great value. Good luck... Smile Smile
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29-03-2012, 03:18 PM
RE: Self Esteem Issues
(29-03-2012 01:41 PM)AnotherSinner Wrote:  Am writing a book presently. No...not religious...medieval fantasy. Love to write...and takes away the sting sometimes.
(29-03-2012 01:26 PM)AnotherSinner Wrote:  Thank you for taking the time to respond as you did. Words for me have really been a quick downer. Though I am mostly used to it, it hurts a lot. I have not really cut myself recently....but it is still a thought that is entertained. Still have faded scars from high school burns where words such as 'hoe' and 'B****' were ones I sought to permanently marr myself with.
Think the hardest part for me at the present is those who have insulted me...admit no fault whatsoever.
Had others more or less question me when I shared with them the bad experiences my husband had trying to find a church family growing up. Got responses like: "Where are you from? Like a distant part of Peru? That sort of thing would NEVER happen in the U.S." And "I do not mean to call you a liar, but do you believe everything you hear?"
Was I misreading this when I felt I was being called a liar or niave? Gullible even? When I addressed this I was and have been told this:
"We all need to check ourselves to see if what we are telling ourselves is really what is being said. Often times, when we start to read into a statement, we come out with a lie. We start to inject our thoughts into another person words, changing the meaning and making an argument that is not there."
And otherwise was told by another that he was tired of my "knee jerk reactions." Otherwise that I was 'overreacting and emotional.'
Which made sense to me that I was as the source of information I received and shared was from my own experience and the experience my husband was brave enough to share with me. If I cannot trust my spouse....then yes, something is really wrong.
Really makes me question just how sane I really am....
This does not even cover the tip of the ice burg either. My own mother is always saying things like: She can't cook.
Yet others have argued with her over and over....yet she will not buy into it. I am constantly questioning my worth as an individual. ....Sorry now I am throwing a pitty party. Anyone want an invite? Wink
Sorry had to add that pun at the end....had to try to cast a little humor.
Thanks though for reading...I appreciate it.
Still trying to figure out the quote system here...oye....I am in need of tech skills.
On the quote page there is a tab for editor and source. If you toggle them you may find you prefer source. The forum also quotes quotes so sometimes it hard to weed through to see what exactly you are quoting. And if you need to read a quote on the thread click it and the [snip] will expand.

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect.”

-Mark Twain
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29-03-2012, 03:40 PM
RE: Self Esteem Issues
(29-03-2012 01:26 PM)AnotherSinner Wrote:  Was I misreading this when I felt I was being called a liar or niave? Gullible even? When I addressed this I was and have been told this:
"We all need to check ourselves to see if what we are telling ourselves is really what is being said. Often times, when we start to read into a statement, we come out with a lie. We start to inject our thoughts into another person words, changing the meaning and making an argument that is not there."
And otherwise was told by another that he was tired of my "knee jerk reactions." Otherwise that I was 'overreacting and emotional.'
Which made sense to me that I was as the source of information I received and shared was from my own experience and the experience my husband was brave enough to share with me. If I cannot trust my spouse....then yes, something is really wrong.
Really makes me question just how sane I really am....

Ok, so I had promised in the other thread about WCF not to criticize the thread when I found it. I spotted this immediately and wanted to go off the rails on OneLight's post:

OneLight Wrote:Their thread was not created to help us see our mistakes, though we can see what these few think of us. As I stated, my attempt to get others to search their heart may seem to of failed, but some have ensured me that they did get the message. yet, I now fear that I have opened the gates to those who are easily moved by half truths. I have much concern to how much of their twisted truth you are swallowing. Not everyone is what they say we are. Some are guilty of this, others of that, but they look at us all in the same light, if you really understand what they are saying.

I held back because of my promise- but now that I see that I've read further and seen yours and his responses, and your post here- it's clear to me that his dismiss of your concerns has impacted you:

OneLight Wrote:I am not reading where anyone is calling anyone naive. In my work, I have to redirect people to what is being said instead of what they think is being said. It is very common to read something into a statement that is not there. We all need to check ourselves to see if what we are telling ourselves is really what is being said. Often times, when we start to read into a statement, we come out with a lie. We start to inject our thoughts into another person words, changing the meaning and making an argument that is not there.

Frankly it would have pissed me off to no end to be dismissed like that- twice in a row. There was a time when I would have moped away and just agreed, "Oh, ok- you must be right, sorry." But no, you're an intelligent person. You DID see that he was being dismissive of you- though I would have said he was calling you stupid and gullible rather than naive. His post disgusts me.

Please do not take it to heart. You're not making it up. His words carried the meaning you gleaned without him saying them, and they are not the truth. You haven't "swallowed" anything. You're thinking about things, you're not being defensive, and you're being open. You're on the right path... and no, that path doesn't mean I think you're going to be an atheist like me. It means that you're going to be a critically thinking person who isn't afraid of the truth.

And ignore that Censored about having a "soft and empathic" heart. It's true that you do (and believe it or not, so do I), but they said it so condescendingly, as if you need to somehow be careful who you talk to because you probably can't handle what you read or hear. That angers me. It's a sheltering mechanism to keep you from being able to think for yourself. You're an adult, and you are capable of thinking. The fact that you picked up on what he said tells me that.

I'm sorry- but this made me angry to read... not from you, but from OneLight and the others there. I don't care what they say about me or the others here... but to put you down, as a Christian yourself? Angry Please don't take them at face value. Very few people can be taken at face value in everything they say, and that's just the truth.
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29-03-2012, 04:20 PM
RE: Self Esteem Issues
(29-03-2012 02:15 PM)Jodienda76 Wrote:  
(29-03-2012 01:41 PM)AnotherSinner Wrote:  Am writing a book presently. No...not religious...medieval fantasy. Love to write...and takes away the sting sometimes.
Still trying to figure out the quote system here...oye....I am in need of tech skills.


Do you at least know exactly what you're insecure about? Is it looks, being around people, and or were you picked on in school?

All of the above....
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29-03-2012, 04:25 PM
RE: Self Esteem Issues
(29-03-2012 04:20 PM)AnotherSinner Wrote:  
(29-03-2012 02:15 PM)Jodienda76 Wrote:  Do you at least know exactly what you're insecure about? Is it looks, being around people, and or were you picked on in school?

All of the above....

As I stated above...Don't give up. And remember that you are not alone. *hugs*
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29-03-2012, 04:25 PM
RE: Self Esteem Issues
(29-03-2012 04:20 PM)AnotherSinner Wrote:  
(29-03-2012 02:15 PM)Jodienda76 Wrote:  Do you at least know exactly what you're insecure about? Is it looks, being around people, and or were you picked on in school?

All of the above....
Don't worry about looks. If it's body image there are ways to improve that and short of plastic surgery there isn't much you can do about your face. Rise above the stupid and realize that it's silly to ridicule someone for something they can't do anything about. Consider yourself more mature and above their childishness. I hate to use this stupid word but 'swagger' > looks.

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect.”

-Mark Twain
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29-03-2012, 04:27 PM
RE: Self Esteem Issues
(29-03-2012 03:40 PM)kineo Wrote:  
(29-03-2012 01:26 PM)AnotherSinner Wrote:  Was I misreading this when I felt I was being called a liar or niave? Gullible even? When I addressed this I was and have been told this:
"We all need to check ourselves to see if what we are telling ourselves is really what is being said. Often times, when we start to read into a statement, we come out with a lie. We start to inject our thoughts into another person words, changing the meaning and making an argument that is not there."
And otherwise was told by another that he was tired of my "knee jerk reactions." Otherwise that I was 'overreacting and emotional.'
Which made sense to me that I was as the source of information I received and shared was from my own experience and the experience my husband was brave enough to share with me. If I cannot trust my spouse....then yes, something is really wrong.
Really makes me question just how sane I really am....

Ok, so I had promised in the other thread about WCF not to criticize the thread when I found it. I spotted this immediately and wanted to go off the rails on OneLight's post:

OneLight Wrote:Their thread was not created to help us see our mistakes, though we can see what these few think of us. As I stated, my attempt to get others to search their heart may seem to of failed, but some have ensured me that they did get the message. yet, I now fear that I have opened the gates to those who are easily moved by half truths. I have much concern to how much of their twisted truth you are swallowing. Not everyone is what they say we are. Some are guilty of this, others of that, but they look at us all in the same light, if you really understand what they are saying.

I held back because of my promise- but now that I see that I've read further and seen yours and his responses, and your post here- it's clear to me that his dismiss of your concerns has impacted you:

OneLight Wrote:I am not reading where anyone is calling anyone naive. In my work, I have to redirect people to what is being said instead of what they think is being said. It is very common to read something into a statement that is not there. We all need to check ourselves to see if what we are telling ourselves is really what is being said. Often times, when we start to read into a statement, we come out with a lie. We start to inject our thoughts into another person words, changing the meaning and making an argument that is not there.

Frankly it would have pissed me off to no end to be dismissed like that- twice in a row. There was a time when I would have moped away and just agreed, "Oh, ok- you must be right, sorry." But no, you're an intelligent person. You DID see that he was being dismissive of you- though I would have said he was calling you stupid and gullible rather than naive. His post disgusts me.

Please do not take it to heart. You're not making it up. His words carried the meaning you gleaned without him saying them, and they are not the truth. You haven't "swallowed" anything. You're thinking about things, you're not being defensive, and you're being open. You're on the right path... and no, that path doesn't mean I think you're going to be an atheist like me. It means that you're going to be a critically thinking person who isn't afraid of the truth.

And ignore that Censored about having a "soft and empathic" heart. It's true that you do (and believe it or not, so do I), but they said it so condescendingly, as if you need to somehow be careful who you talk to because you probably can't handle what you read or hear. That angers me. It's a sheltering mechanism to keep you from being able to think for yourself. You're an adult, and you are capable of thinking. The fact that you picked up on what he said tells me that.

I'm sorry- but this made me angry to read... not from you, but from OneLight and the others there. I don't care what they say about me or the others here... but to put you down, as a Christian yourself? Angry Please don't take them at face value. Very few people can be taken at face value in everything they say, and that's just the truth.
Thanks....really was thinking that somehow I was in the wrong. Every time I have been upset there as of late, I have apologized for it. Regardless of what was said to me to make me so.
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