Selfish, maybe
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12-02-2013, 11:30 AM (This post was last modified: 12-02-2013 11:43 AM by CateBee.)
Selfish, maybe
I have a best friend. There was a point in my life when I thought adding "best" to "friend" seemed really silly, but as I've gotten older and don't have as many friends, I realize there are some people who just are better than others. My best friend and I have known each other about 10 years, and we have been through a lot of shit together.

So my best friend is not an atheist. She is a theist willing to be open to listening to debate, though she never adds to these debates. I would say she is a Christian who kind of just "goes with it". Well, she just had a really important family member die, and I'm finding that I am not on her to-call list (we live a state away). Maybe she doesn't want to open up to anyone in her time of grief?

Here's what is bugging me though... I was not invited to the funeral, which was in my town. I definitely knew the person who died, though not really close. I felt like maybe I should have been invited though, if only just to be a support for her? Is this unfair to assume? I feel like I should have talked to her, but she hasn't returned my calls or text messages since about Thursday, the day before the wake and then the funeral. We usually talk to each other every day.

We have a mutual friend (theist) that she invited to the funeral. He's spoken to me about how sad she has been and whatnot. He's been able to get in touch with her, and it just makes my mind wander around and poke at the insecurities. Why doesn't she want to talk to me? Why won't she return my calls? I'm wondering if my atheism is suddenly coming into play here? Or maybe I'm just not as close a friend as I thought? Or maybe she genuinely just can't talk to me? For whatever reason.


I recently had a friend die, someone she did not know. I actually called her and spoke really openly with her about my feelings. She was kind and a comfort, as I would like to be for her. This sort of adds to the mind beating I'm giving myself. We just went through this together...

It's not my business, really. I hope to find out soon though. Just wanted to get all these feelings out. Sometimes it makes it easier if you just clear out the jumble from time to time...
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12-02-2013, 11:43 AM
RE: Selfish, maybe
Hi,


I'm sure there are many here on TTA who have been through grief and helped others through it and perhaps have been where you are now and felt what you are feeling.

We could offer speculation on her behaviour across the whole spectrum from... she is respecting your lack of belief to, she is just too wrapped up in herself to think about you.

But we don't know.
And to be honest, she might not know.

No offence intended but there are quite a few 'I's, 'me's and 'my's in your writing.

I don't know you well but I'll take a guess and say that you know that whatever she is doing and thinking, it's about 'her' way of dealing with it and the best you can do is make it known that you care.

Meaning that being concerned about how you fit (or don't fit) into her life right now is not going to change anything.

When she is ready, she will contact you. She will know that you care so there will be not need for any recrimination later, when she does contact.

I dunno if that helps or makes it worse.
I hope the former.

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12-02-2013, 11:54 AM
RE: Selfish, maybe
My insecurities need to fuck off to make room for when she is ready to talk.

I really appreciate the response. Really, I just don't know anyone who would be upfront about it like that, and I really needed it. Thanks.

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12-02-2013, 12:02 PM
RE: Selfish, maybe
Even if only to support her in her distress, why didn't you just go to the funeral? Or at least show up at the wake or if you're out of state, the weekend after? You aren't in control of anyone but yourself. If you want to hang with your best friend, what's stopping you?

I've never been "invited" to a funeral - I kind of just show up - free country and all.

I was once "forbidden" and actually "warned not to show up" at a funeral.
But certain ex-mother in laws don't count as human beings, anyway - so fuck 'em. Wink

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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12-02-2013, 12:09 PM
RE: Selfish, maybe
(12-02-2013 11:54 AM)CateBee Wrote:  ...
Really, I just don't know anyone who would be upfront about it like that,
...

Stick around, kid, there are much more terse and deadly ones around here than me.

No problem having insecurities. It's as you say, about keeping them in check at the right moment.

Bravo.

Bowing

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12-02-2013, 12:11 PM
RE: Selfish, maybe
I guess I hadn't thought of just going to the damn thing. The funeral was in my city, but I didn't know where or time. You are right though, if I wanted to be part of this, there wasn't much stopping me. I probably could have figured out the time and date someway.

And wow, forbidden to go to a funeral?! I can't imagine anyone saying someone can't go to a funeral. It is sort of odd to invite or ban people to another persons event, even if that person is dead...
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12-02-2013, 12:11 PM
RE: Selfish, maybe
(12-02-2013 12:02 PM)kim Wrote:  ...
- so fuck 'em. Wink

Our Kimmy at her most empathetic.

Heart

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13-02-2013, 03:56 AM
RE: Selfish, maybe
Hello,

First of all, explaining yourself about some points like this is really noteworthy, because keeping this going, you'll feel better every time. Clap

About this situation, i can say some probabilities to you. The most common is, in my opinion, you both just need a little bit time. Maybe, this tearing apart isn't related with your personality. Because in some parts of life, people need to be isolated from their friends, places, etc. And event of death is deeply most emotional part of life. So, maybe you should wait for good time to talk to her.
The second is that maybe your friend just doesn't want to share her feelings with you, because of your attitudes about life, religion, death or something.. You know, this is a probability, and the most useful reply is inside you about this probability.

We have all good and bad sides inside us. But what we are comes from our choices and attitudes.
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13-02-2013, 09:15 AM
RE: Selfish, maybe
Thank you!

We finally spoke and are getting together this weekend... Smile

Crazy stalker friend period over.
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13-02-2013, 09:20 AM
RE: Selfish, maybe
Wow! It's nice to read that.
Have fun together Smile

We have all good and bad sides inside us. But what we are comes from our choices and attitudes.
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