Seriously, what good am I?
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
30-04-2014, 06:43 PM
Sad Seriously, what good am I?
I have autism. I may be able to mask it pretty well a lot of times, but I can't sustain it and I have to keep isolating to recharge or else I just go crazy. I am working on Disability, but do not yet have it. My mom is a lazy parasite, and she enforces me being a lazy parasite too, even though I don't want to be. I don't believe I can hold a steady job, but if I try, then I will disqualify myself for disability, and if I don't try, then I have to be a parasite. I hate myself. My ex makes 120K per year. He's a fundy. He keeps dangling the money over me. He dangles our daughters over me. "Why won't you come visit your daughters? they miss you so much." But at the same time he makes sure I can't actually achieve that. He has a very good lawyer. I had to run away because of the abuse. I have no lawyer. There is clearly no "just and righteous" god.

I hate my mom, yet I depend on her... and I hate depending on anyone, because I feel like a leech. I have a debt to repay to society for all the evangelism I've done in the past, but I can't yet begin to repay that.

My life is objectively worthless right now, unless we're talking about the "intrinsic worth of the human life." Economically and socially speaking, my existence does not contribute positively.

How can I even find love again? I have a 6-inch scar on my left arm. I want a tatoo covering (phoenix feather) sometime, but that does require money. My mom keeps making these dastardly statements that I could make a lot of money with sex. Do you know how tempting that is sometimes? Not that I'm not degraded enough already....
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
30-04-2014, 07:09 PM
RE: Seriously, what good am I?
Hug

I say go for getting a job. Get yourself stable and away from your mother if you can. Gaining independence can do wonders for your self esteem. There's gotta be something out there that wouldn't be too overwhelming for you.

"It's a most distressing affliction to have a sentimental heart and a skeptical mind.”
― نجيب محفوظ, Sugar Street
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 8 users Like evenheathen's post
30-04-2014, 07:12 PM
RE: Seriously, what good am I?
First, Hug !

You sound frustrated because your Mom and ex are still able to pull many strings in your life and you don't have complete control over the situation.

I had some ideas when reading your post, hopefully they will help.

Could you supplement your disability with your art? I saw photos of the things you posted a few weeks ago, it was beautiful! Maybe on etsy or other online store. You could also set up some art lessons for kids? Or a week long summer camp? It will help get you some extra funds without screwing up your disability.

As for your ex- there should be a legal aid department in your area and unless you are considered dangerous or something, you should at the very least be getting visitation with your kids. I would push for that. I don't know much about custody issues, so maybe some others could chime in on that part. ??

As for owing society- you owe it nothing.

Think of your goals, then figure out the steps to get there.


Be excellent to each other and party on, Dudes!
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 5 users Like Bows and Arrows's post
30-04-2014, 07:13 PM
RE: Seriously, what good am I?
Everyone has scars, some visible, and some not, but I don't want to sound like I'm patronizing you. You've been through the kind of trouble I couldn't even imagine, and it actually hurts to think something like what you went through could happen to someone as wonderful as you! Your a beautiful woman who paints beautiful living images into her pictures. At least one of those is hanging in a gallery, is it not?

I'm going to assume you've looked into jobs/careers that would allow you to keep your distance from too many co-workers, but I don't know if that's exactly how you mean it.

I don't have any real good advice, but if you'd like to PM, or skype, or talk, I'm all ears. Minus any of my "stupid crap" Tongue I just want you to know that there's at least one (and others, too, of course) person right here who cares enough to wish he could help!

You deserve to feel better Hug Better everything! Heart

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes TheGulegon's post
30-04-2014, 07:13 PM
RE: Seriously, what good am I?
I'm allowed to see the kids... but they're in NJ. I can't yet live too far from supportive family. Family and all familiar stuff is in MO.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
30-04-2014, 07:15 PM (This post was last modified: 30-04-2014 07:20 PM by Charis.)
RE: Seriously, what good am I?
I would have the girls right now, but it's a state law thing in NJ.

There's so much I can't do. Technically, I "know" how to do things, but I can't.... DO them.
My mom told me should would help with court stuff which I can't do. She won't do anything. She just plays games. My brother lives here too, and even he can only stand her b/c of her boyfriend who is living here also, so it's not just me. My sister won't live with her.

Then there's the trauma stuff that keeps me on the brink of total meltdown at times, and the PTSD (yes, that's also diagnosed)

My mom has already stated that she's not concerned with helping me get the girls out of there. She has also said she tends to not like the oldest, and they really bug her when she's playing her games.

And yet, I depend on her, so I feel crappy for even saying anything bad about her.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
30-04-2014, 07:26 PM (This post was last modified: 01-05-2014 07:02 AM by Dom.)
RE: Seriously, what good am I?
You ought to look into online design. See if you can dig up some courses for free, there will be a future in it and you are so talented that you will be successful. You just need to learn some skills. You can do this from home, make decent money, get your own home and make something of your life.

That's what I would do.

[Image: dobie.png]

Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Dom's post
30-04-2014, 07:29 PM
RE: Seriously, what good am I?
Are you getting help for the trauma and PTSD?

I just listened to a podcast this week about PTSD, waiting on the second part to air. Here's a link to the first part though.

http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/health-...ns-of-ptsd

Sending hugs!


Be excellent to each other and party on, Dudes!
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
30-04-2014, 07:40 PM
RE: Seriously, what good am I?
[Image: dog-and-cat-hug.jpg]

You should go for your dreams my friend. Don't let any obstacles or hostiles stand in your way. Go for the job my friend.

[Image: get_some_by_addmedia-d78ip4k.gif] All request for metazoa info and my larger projects should be sent PM
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Metazoa Zeke's post
30-04-2014, 07:43 PM
RE: Seriously, what good am I?
I wish I had some answers but I don't.

It angers me that your mother has actually suggested sex as a way to make money.

All I can really do is offer an ear and a hug.

See here they are, the bruises, some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Anjele's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: