Seriously, what good am I?
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30-04-2014, 07:59 PM
RE: Seriously, what good am I?
[Image: rose-doctor-hug-o.gif]

Onward, my faithful steed!
[Image: ezgif-save_zps4d93a674.gif?t=1395781443]
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30-04-2014, 08:10 PM
RE: Seriously, what good am I?
Wow. All of this is just. Overwhelming. I want to give you wonderful advice, but all I can say is I love you and Hug Hug
I assume with diagnosed PTSD you're getting some help? Is there anyone else who could help you? Maybe you and your brother could try to move out together?
I'm sorry you're going though this Hug Heart

Swing with me a while, we can listen to the birds call, we can keep each other warm.
Swing with me forever, we can count up every flower, we can weather every storm.
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30-04-2014, 10:33 PM
RE: Seriously, what good am I?
From your posts I get the sense that you are an intelligent and caring person. Can't ask for more.

Take matters into your own hands, empower yourself and I sincerely hope your life takes a turn for the better.

"Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's."- Mark Twain in Eruption
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30-04-2014, 10:56 PM
RE: Seriously, what good am I?
(30-04-2014 06:43 PM)Charis Wrote:  I have autism. I may be able to mask it pretty well a lot of times, but I can't sustain it and I have to keep isolating to recharge or else I just go crazy. I am working on Disability, but do not yet have it. My mom is a lazy parasite, and she enforces me being a lazy parasite too, even though I don't want to be. I don't believe I can hold a steady job, but if I try, then I will disqualify myself for disability, and if I don't try, then I have to be a parasite. I hate myself. My ex makes 120K per year. He's a fundy. He keeps dangling the money over me. He dangles our daughters over me. "Why won't you come visit your daughters? they miss you so much." But at the same time he makes sure I can't actually achieve that. He has a very good lawyer. I had to run away because of the abuse. I have no lawyer. There is clearly no "just and righteous" god.

I hate my mom, yet I depend on her... and I hate depending on anyone, because I feel like a leech. I have a debt to repay to society for all the evangelism I've done in the past, but I can't yet begin to repay that.

My life is objectively worthless right now, unless we're talking about the "intrinsic worth of the human life." Economically and socially speaking, my existence does not contribute positively.

How can I even find love again? I have a 6-inch scar on my left arm. I want a tatoo covering (phoenix feather) sometime, but that does require money. My mom keeps making these dastardly statements that I could make a lot of money with sex. Do you know how tempting that is sometimes? Not that I'm not degraded enough already....

Hug I know life can be hard. My advice would be go for a job, like someone else said (can't see who) it would help your self-esteem. I'm in the exact same situation with my mother, I don't have a job so I rely on her but I don't like her that much because she beat and abused me as a child so I know it's hard. As for love, you'll find someone, someone who will love you for who you are and your flaws, scars and all. If your avatar is real picture of you then your a gorgeous woman and you have that going for you plus i'm sure a lot of other great things I just don't know you enough to list them. If it helps i'd love to get you know you more and even be your friend because you seem like a good person. As for the sex thing that is just rude of your mother to suggest that. That line of work would get you paid but won't get you anywhere in life. Just hang in there and thinking about the good things in your life and try your best to help it move forward. If you keep pressing on the bad stuff your going to be stuck and it's never going to get better. Remember it's your life, no one else's so your the only one that can change it and make it better. I believe in you :)even though I don't know you I believe your tough enough to work it out and get things back on track. it's just a matter of do you believe in yourself and you should. Somewhere out there there's a handsome guy who will be lucky to have your love, and a company lucky to have your employment yo just gotta find it.

Quote:"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world." - Lucille Ball.

"If you keep trying to better yourself that's enough for me. We don't decide which hand we are dealt in life, but we make the decision to play it or fold it" - Nishi Karano Kaze
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30-04-2014, 11:03 PM
RE: Seriously, what good am I?
What's the point of asking what good you are? Measuring your own worth by the sentiments of others is like trying to sell a priceless family heirloom. Just because other people find it "worthless" doesn't mean it's worthless to you. Just my two cents...

As for a job, I would suggest looking at hospitals believe it or not. There's a lot more to do besides be a doctor or nurse, hell, you could make $13.00/hour to just wheel around patients room to room. The hospital I work for also gets some sort of government funding for hiring disabled people, so that would put you at the top of their list (of course this will vary by location, but you can always ask).

As for love, well, you're not the only person with scars. I'm sure I'm not the only one who actually finds that attractive. Not the scar itself, but the significance of it. You overcame that part of your life, and I would be much more open with a person like yourself in real life. Which, for me at least, is a major factor in finding actual love. The odds are always in your favor, and what you consider to be the ugliest part of you may just turn out to be the most attractive to someone else.


Hope this helped at least a little. I'm always available for pm if you want Hug

Atir aissom atir imon
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01-05-2014, 12:12 AM
RE: Seriously, what good am I?
Thank you everyone. Yes, this is a picture of me (gulegon can vouch for me there), thank you very much for the compliment.
I know my response at the moment is sounding a little hollow, and I apologize for that.
I can't seem to paint right now. I just... can't. I guess I'm sinking back into depression a bit.
I can't afford treatment for the PTSD right now, though the martial arts is helping a lot. Couldn't go today, because I pulled a muscle in my lower back early this afternoon.
I want to pursue the art. Somehow.
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01-05-2014, 12:23 AM
RE: Seriously, what good am I?
(01-05-2014 12:12 AM)Charis Wrote:  Thank you everyone. Yes, this is a picture of me (gulegon can vouch for me there), thank you very much for the compliment.
I know my response at the moment is sounding a little hollow, and I apologize for that.
I can't seem to paint right now. I just... can't. I guess I'm sinking back into depression a bit.
I can't afford treatment for the PTSD right now, though the martial arts is helping a lot. Couldn't go today, because I pulled a muscle in my lower back early this afternoon.
I want to pursue the art. Somehow.

i hope you get things into a position you are comfortable with Charis, you seem very nice, even after i take your "not a dude" and hot babe bonus points away.

Get out on your own if your mother is as bad as you claim, start over, rent a room some where, until you can get your own place.

Theism is to believe what other people claim, Atheism is to ask "why should I".
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01-05-2014, 01:45 AM
RE: Seriously, what good am I?
A good quote I just came up with.

Quote:Smile even if theres no reason to. You deserve to show your gorgeous smile and the world is lucky to see it.

"If you keep trying to better yourself that's enough for me. We don't decide which hand we are dealt in life, but we make the decision to play it or fold it" - Nishi Karano Kaze
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01-05-2014, 03:47 AM
RE: Seriously, what good am I?
First the fact that you are even asking this question means that you are a step up from those that don't.

Secondly, don't focus on what's holding you back, focus on what advantages you currently have to improve your situation.

You have autism so I presume you might well have the ability to focus on tasks (it's why so many good engineers have asperger's). You also have time on your hands. You've already shown that you can develop your critical thinking skills using your own initiative to rid yourself of a parasitic meme (religion) so we know that you have a brain. Now you need to make the next step.

Start learning skills. You don't need to aim to make money from them, just improve your skills to the point where you are able to. Whether that's art, something technical, learning a language, whatever you have an affinity for and which holds your interest. There are many advantages to doing this.
  • You'll improve your self esteem and self confidence and find worth in yourself.
  • You will develop the means to be able to contribute something to society
  • You may be able to develop your skills to the point where they bring in money and you can gain your independence.

Find something you really enjoy doing. Work at that. Then once you've mastered it, keep pushing yourself. Learn related skills. There is plenty of free information out there and regardless of whether you have an expensive education given to you or you are stuck at home, ultimately it's up to each person to improve themselves.

We know that you are up to the task.
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01-05-2014, 06:38 AM
RE: Seriously, what good am I?
Hi,

Just to show you are not alone:
Me too on the autism (self-diagnosed Aspie (they didn't diagnose such things when I was growing up); 2 x diagnosed autistic kids is a bit of an indicator)

Me too on the need for isolation to recharge. This is not exclusively a trait of autism but rather the very definition of an introvert. There are quite a few extreme introverts on TTA.

Me too regarding seeing the children. Being on the other side if the planet is a factor but my ex has engineered the situation for fear (I guess) of losing them.

Me too regarding not wanting to be dependent... on family or on society.

The way out of that is exactly as Mathilda describes. I can't say it better.
But I'll qualify it slightly by asking to which part of the spectrum do you belong?
If it's the High Functioning / Aspie end of the spectrum, then as Mathilda indicates, having autism is actually an advantage here.
But if it's the ADHD end... not so likely that you can focus well.

What was the result of me following Mathilda's advice (where was she 30 years ago when I needed her!!!)?
I found jobs where I could be alone; working flexi-hours so that I could avoid people and used the Apsie-focus superpowers (obsession!) to become a specialist.
Now I'm a trainer passing this on to others... 120k per year? ... pea-fucking-nuts.

There was no plan to it. It happened because I needed to eat.

I'll PM you a couple of other thoughts

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