Sex as an Atheist
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22-05-2013, 02:02 AM
Sex as an Atheist
This is a request for advice from other Atheists. If you are a religious person, and you think sex should be repressed, is wrong outside of marriage, etc... I don't need your input.

I am a new Atheist, raised a Mormon, but only as of January 1st 2013. I am 20 years old, and until recently, a virgin.

I had my first few sexual experiences these past few weeks with someone I met at work, and it has been one of the most incredible experiences of my life.

I only have one problem.

Two weeks into this, my very first sexual relationship, I am beginning to struggle with emotions from the past, not so much guilt, as fear. When we are going to have sex, I am insecure and fearful, for no good reason. This can often lead to me being very uncomfortable, and not being able to enjoy the sex at all.

I easily get aroused around my partner, and we love to play around, and tease one another, but I still feel a bit insecure about being openly aroused around another person.

I never imagined myself as a sexually shy person, so I chalked all of these emotions up to a combination of my very first sexual experience (anxiety is to be expected) and my very strict fundamentalist upbringing which forbids what I am doing, and even calls it close to murder in seriousness. Thats right, close to murder. I said that. For real.

Now, I am not so sure.

Can anyone tell me about their experiences with sex both as a religious person, and then as an Atheist? Did you have emotions of guilt or fear from your upbringing, and how did you overcome them, to lead a sexually fulfilled life?

Religion, rather than acting as a symbol of truth or justice, merely acts as a symbol of human gullibility and stupidity. Surely no race of beings with any real intelligence would concoct such drivel.
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22-05-2013, 02:13 AM
RE: Sex as an Atheist
I've been through this, and I'm happy to report that the solution is simply more sex! Nobody starts off good at sex, no matter what they tell you. Its a skill like any other that is honed over time, so don't feel bad about it, everyone is awkard the first time around. Just keep doing it with your partner and you will eventually become acclimated to being exposed around him/her. I felt bad the first few times, never afraid as I accepted the fact that there was no supernatural force that was going to punish me. I happen to be the same age as well, not from the same faith but its all bullshit in the end.

The doctor prescribes more sex! enjoy the freedom of not being repressed anymore.

Good luck with your future endeavors!
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22-05-2013, 06:58 AM
RE: Sex as an Atheist
practice makes perfect! Wink I think what you described is common for most people new to sex. The realization that sex is a lot of fun, but also you begin to realize that it makes you vulnerable. Ask yourself - do I trust my partner with my emotions? to not screw up my job? and can I be trusted not to screw them up? Sex is a trust game. And just so you know....sometimes it gets all fucked up and people break your trust and life SUCKS. But you get over it. You find someone else who is fun in the sack and life goes on.

By the time you get to lover #3 you'll be an old pro....hopefully.

ENJOY!! life is good.

Smile


Be excellent to each other and party on, Dudes!
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22-05-2013, 07:20 AM
RE: Sex as an Atheist
From your post I think you are struggling not with the act itself but rather from the emotional and psychological burdens your former religious life placed on you, is this correct?

If this is indeed the case then let me say that deconversion doesn't happen on January 1, 2013 or on any other specific day, it is a process, in most cases I venture to say it is a LONG process.

The internal battle you are fighting right now will persist for years, I'm afraid to say, having gone through it myself. The repercussions of indoctrination carry with it evil remnants and it is why so often deconverted individuals turn militantly anti-theist, because they realize that the religious destructive teachings impinge on their ability to lead emotionally complete and happy lives.

There is no Big Daddy watching you and your partner engage in one of the most human of activities. Enjoy each other's company. The only "bad" that can come of it is if you use or abuse your partner's trust or manipulate their feelings and the only one's you'll have to answer to are your partner and the "man in the mirror".

Good luck with your journey, it will have it's ups and downs, but always remember that showing love, kindness and empathy will provide you with a sense of fullfilment and self-worth...no gods need apply.

"A clear conscience is the softest pillow"

Throughout history conversions happen at the point of a sword, deconversions at the point of a pen - FC

I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's. - Mark Twain in Eruption
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22-05-2013, 10:22 AM
RE: Sex as an Atheist
Thank you for your advice. I can see that this is normal not only for someone new to sex like myself, but someone new to living life as an Atheist. Thank you for the reassurances.

The more I sit still and think about this problem, the more I realize there is a whole lot more wrong that I thought.

The circumstances of my area, and of my partner make it practically impossible to have sex, or spend much time together at all, without feeling a distinct sense of it being taboo. This is why.

I live in Provo, Utah, which for those of you that don't know, is the center of Mormonism in the United States. It is the hometown of Brigham Young University, the well known church University. This is by nature of my parents choice of where to live, not my own, and is only temporary until I can make enough money to leave.

The trouble is, that here it is very difficult to date or to have sex with people I meet, because they are usually very religious, and unwilling to partake in a good time. The trust simply isn't there. Not only this, but I have the misfortune to be currently staying in what is called Brigham Young University Approved Housing, which essentially means housing that is subject to rules of religious morality. No one is allowed to smoke, drink, or have sex in their own apartment, or another nearby. If they do, and are caught, they lose their right to live here.

To make it even worse, my partner has had the misfortune to give birth to a son when she was very young and unable to properly care for him without help. This led to her living with her parents, where she still lives today. Of course, they are fundamentalist Mormon themselves, and do their utmost to continue to "Helicopter Parent" her, even now that she is well into her 20's. It is not uncommon for her to be given a curfew like a young teenager, even though she has her own car, and the freedom to go where she pleases, the ever present threat of her son being left to her care alone, keeps her in line with these insane rules that she and I do not believe in.

The end result, is that we have to hide, lie, drive a good distance, and observe a curfew just to find time to be together. Even when we accomplish this, I find it very hard for me to take myself seriously about believing sex is ok, since I have to go to such trouble to act like it is a deadly sin, and to hid it from everyone.

If I could, I would simply take her home, and we would make enough noise to wake the neighbors, and that would be the end of it. Nice and honest, no bullshit hiding or acting like naughty teenagers.

This lack of immersion, and constant pressure of being discovered nearly always makes sex not enjoyable, and even more of a hassle than a pleasure. At first, the thrill of no longer being a virgin was enough to keep me going, but now, I don't know anymore.

Something has got to give, because I do not feel as though I am living my true convictions. I am exhausted from all the lying and sneaking. It just kills the mood.

So at this point, I am considering just finding a new location, and a new partner as soon as I can. I am already planning on talking honestly about all of this to my current partner as well, to let her know what is bothering me in all this.

I would be open to further advice about this, since I do not have a monopoly on good choices in situations like this. I am still so new. I feel a tad helpless.

Religion, rather than acting as a symbol of truth or justice, merely acts as a symbol of human gullibility and stupidity. Surely no race of beings with any real intelligence would concoct such drivel.
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22-05-2013, 10:37 AM
RE: Sex as an Atheist
(22-05-2013 10:22 AM)Prometheus762 Wrote:  
If I could, I would simply take her home, and we would make enough noise to wake the neighbors, and that would be the end of it.
Nice and honest, no bullshit hiding or acting like naughty teenagers.


Something has got to give, because I do not feel as though I am living my true convictions. I am exhausted from all the lying and sneaking. It just kills the mood.

So at this point, I am considering just finding a new location, and a new partner as soon as I can. I am already planning on talking honestly about all of this to my current partner as well, to let her know what is bothering me in all this.

Sounds to me you need to decide whether you want a new partner, a new situation, or both.

In these situations I make pro & con lists, play the 'what's the worst that can happen ' game, and try to listen to my gut feeling.

It's also a good time to look at where you are, and where you want to be and check to make sure your actions are moving you to those goals. I know many people who want to move out of mom's house but blow all their money on 'fun' stuff rather than save it for security deposits and down payments on their own places.


Be excellent to each other and party on, Dudes!
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22-05-2013, 01:20 PM (This post was last modified: 22-05-2013 01:24 PM by cbb2274.)
RE: Sex as an Atheist
(22-05-2013 10:22 AM)Prometheus762 Wrote:  Nice and honest, no bullshit hiding or acting like naughty teenagers.

Quote:This lack of immersion, and constant pressure of being discovered nearly always makes sex not enjoyable, and even more of a hassle than a pleasure.

That sounds potentially hotter than you seem to realize. Maybe you could work with this to make it fun. The naughty forbidden thing can be pretty hot.

(22-05-2013 10:22 AM)Prometheus762 Wrote:  So at this point, I am considering just finding a new location, and a new partner as soon as I can. I am already planning on talking honestly about all of this to my current partner as well, to let her know what is bothering me in all this.

On a more serious note, I think it's great that you realize how important your sexuality is to your identity. Taking responsibility for it shows courage and integrity, but don't become overzealous. Your sex life is a practical concern, but make sure you have a plan before skipping town.

(22-05-2013 07:20 AM)Full Circle Wrote:  There is no Big Daddy watching you and your partner engage in one of the most human of activities.

...unless that's what you and your partner are into.

"That's not the proof I want."
"You'll have such proof as exists. You are the only one responsible for your own wants."
- Isaac Asimov, I, Robot
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22-05-2013, 05:37 PM
RE: Sex as an Atheist
(22-05-2013 10:22 AM)Prometheus762 Wrote:  Thank you for your advice. I can see that this is normal not only for someone new to sex like myself, but someone new to living life as an Atheist. Thank you for the reassurances.

The more I sit still and think about this problem, the more I realize there is a whole lot more wrong that I thought.

The circumstances of my area, and of my partner make it practically impossible to have sex, or spend much time together at all, without feeling a distinct sense of it being taboo. This is why.

I live in Provo, Utah, which for those of you that don't know, is the center of Mormonism in the United States. It is the hometown of Brigham Young University, the well known church University. This is by nature of my parents choice of where to live, not my own, and is only temporary until I can make enough money to leave.

The trouble is, that here it is very difficult to date or to have sex with people I meet, because they are usually very religious, and unwilling to partake in a good time. The trust simply isn't there. Not only this, but I have the misfortune to be currently staying in what is called Brigham Young University Approved Housing, which essentially means housing that is subject to rules of religious morality. No one is allowed to smoke, drink, or have sex in their own apartment, or another nearby. If they do, and are caught, they lose their right to live here.

To make it even worse, my partner has had the misfortune to give birth to a son when she was very young and unable to properly care for him without help. This led to her living with her parents, where she still lives today. Of course, they are fundamentalist Mormon themselves, and do their utmost to continue to "Helicopter Parent" her, even now that she is well into her 20's. It is not uncommon for her to be given a curfew like a young teenager, even though she has her own car, and the freedom to go where she pleases, the ever present threat of her son being left to her care alone, keeps her in line with these insane rules that she and I do not believe in.

The end result, is that we have to hide, lie, drive a good distance, and observe a curfew just to find time to be together. Even when we accomplish this, I find it very hard for me to take myself seriously about believing sex is ok, since I have to go to such trouble to act like it is a deadly sin, and to hid it from everyone.

If I could, I would simply take her home, and we would make enough noise to wake the neighbors, and that would be the end of it. Nice and honest, no bullshit hiding or acting like naughty teenagers.

This lack of immersion, and constant pressure of being discovered nearly always makes sex not enjoyable, and even more of a hassle than a pleasure. At first, the thrill of no longer being a virgin was enough to keep me going, but now, I don't know anymore.

Something has got to give, because I do not feel as though I am living my true convictions. I am exhausted from all the lying and sneaking. It just kills the mood.

So at this point, I am considering just finding a new location, and a new partner as soon as I can. I am already planning on talking honestly about all of this to my current partner as well, to let her know what is bothering me in all this.

I would be open to further advice about this, since I do not have a monopoly on good choices in situations like this. I am still so new. I feel a tad helpless.

Leave Provo. Seriously.

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
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23-05-2013, 03:35 PM
RE: Sex as an Atheist
The plot thickens as of a few days now.

I talked to my partner in depth about all of this, and it was a disaster.

It quickly became clear that our relationship was a mistake, and that we did not know what to do at this point other than to simply end it and move on.

The trouble is simple. Although she wants to change her situation with her parents, and beginning standing up for herself, her fear of single motherhood and of being financially alone trumps our desire to be together every time. She was angry that I would make something so difficult for her, a breaking point of our relationship.

She also let me know, that we would need some time for the both of us to change our living situation, which is true of course. However, I don't plan on rearranging my entire life just to sleep with her. Maybe this makes me a prick, but all I wanted was a practice ground, a beginning to something new in my life, not the kind of commitment that makes someone rearrange their life, in relation to their partner.

I plan on moving out of Provo soon, and the religious housing of course, and I don't plan on making two trips, one to sleep with her for who knows how many months, and then another to leave. That is silly, and a waste of both our time. I haven't told her this yet, and no doubt it will make her livid.

She was angry that I didn't talk to her about all of this as it was happening, as though I had been keeping it a secret or something. I didn't know what to say about that. Isn't it ok to be unsure, and make mistakes when you are new? I don't understand her expectations of me.

The most difficult thing for me though, is this. She told me that she is in love with me. I didn't know what to say. We have grown very close in the last few weeks, but I didn't know if I even really knew what love is. I froze up, and finally stammered out the truth, which was that I didn't love her back, and I didn't know what I felt for her, or what it would mean for the future. She seemed to take it okay, but I am not sure. I know deep down, it must have hurt. However, I do not think I should have lied. I just told the truth.

So now, this is the situation. I am looking at this girl, and examining our relationship, wondering what the fuck I was smoking to get this started in the first place. Even my attraction to her is melting away, and I find myself wondering how best to extract myself from the wreckage and get away. If she hadn't said "I love you" it would have been over, today, but now I feel like a complete asshole, wanting to dump this girl right after she confessed her undying love to me, and asked me what I thought.

She isn't what I want on a lot of levels, and I guess being with her was worth it in the sense that I learned a lot about myself, her, and sexual relationships.

So basically, I am going to dump her anyway, but I am going to think about how best to do it in the next few days. I don't know if I will think of anything other than a direct approach, that hurts a lot, but I will do my best.

So now, I have questions for you guys, if you have the answers.

Is is possible to have a sex life without women falling in love with you?

When you have a working relationship with a partner, and things go sour, is it possible to continue to work together in peace, and if so any tips?

Do women exists our there who want the same things I do? Sex, fulfillment, fun, and no children or diseases? Or is this a male pipe dream?

I would love to hear the voices of those who have tried this shit before me. Some wisdom is certainly needed.

Religion, rather than acting as a symbol of truth or justice, merely acts as a symbol of human gullibility and stupidity. Surely no race of beings with any real intelligence would concoct such drivel.
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23-05-2013, 04:01 PM
RE: Sex as an Atheist
Remember back a few posts when I said sometimes it really SUCKS. yeah- this is one of those times.

sometimes you will be where you are now saying to yourself 'well-that was fun-but I'm done.' and then there are other times you will be in her shoes saying to yourself ' wtf just happened? I thought we were getting along great'

yes- fuck buddies do exist- but usually that is sorted out right from the get go. "Friends with benefits" tends to only last for a short while ( a summer fling, etc) after a few months one of you usually ends up in a relationship that means more.

and yes, sometimes you can find a woman that just wants sex without falling in love-but be careful- that might be the one that you fall in love with her.

be kind, be honest. wear a condom.


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