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28-05-2014, 03:41 PM
RE: Share A Joke
(28-05-2014 03:07 PM)War Horse Wrote:  Perfect example for beer, by Cliff Claven on Cheers;

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Wait. Why isn't this in the Science Forum??? Ohmy

Moderator! We need a moderator over here!

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
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28-05-2014, 11:23 PM
RE: Share A Joke
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29-05-2014, 03:16 PM
RE: Share A Joke
Did you hear about the starfish who lost his left side

he's all right nowDrinking Beverage

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29-05-2014, 03:20 PM (This post was last modified: 29-05-2014 03:40 PM by Alex_Leonardo.)
RE: Share A Joke
One man walks to the urinal and stands up, unzips his pants, and starts to pee.
Another man walks to the urinal and stands up, unzips his pants, and starts to pee.
A Third man walks to the urinal and stands up, unzips his pants, and starts to pee.
The Last man walks up the urinal , unzips his pants, and starts to pee.
They all look at him and say, "why are you standing on the urinal?"

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29-05-2014, 03:24 PM
RE: Share A Joke
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31-05-2014, 01:00 PM
RE: Share A Joke
When someone expects me to blindly stride into a childish trap and, electrocute myself.

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31-05-2014, 01:34 PM
RE: Share A Joke
(31-05-2014 01:00 PM)Ferdinand Wrote:  When someone expects me to blindly stride into a childish trap and, electrocute myself.

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If you mess with his ego he will.

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26-06-2014, 10:15 PM
RE: Share A Joke
Thought about this one that I heard years ago, and was able to google it by recalling just a couple of key elements. Ah, the power Google!

Baby Photographer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
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26-06-2014, 10:27 PM
RE: Share A Joke
There was once a seasoned old sea Captain who had sailed all the 7 seas. One day, while on the open ocean, his men ran up to him alarmed "Captain, Captain! There is a pirate ship approaching!". The captain calmly said "Quickly men, bring me my red shirt". They brought the red shirt, and the Captain led them in a battle against the pirates, which they easily won. The celebrated with rum.

A few days later, the men approached their Captain again "Captain! Captain! There are TWO pirate ships" The Captain said "Quickly men, bring me my red shirt!", then led his men in another relatively easy battle against the pirates. He never even broke a sweat, and showed not a glimmer of fear. Again, they celebrated with rum.

A short time later, the men, close to panic shouted "Captain! Captain! There are FIVE pirate ships!". Chillingly calm, the Captain said "Quickly men, bring me my red shirt", and they once again defeated the pirates, though it was much more of a challenge. That evening as they sat around nursing wounds and drinking rum, one of the men asked "Captain, may I ask why you always ask for your red shirt when we fight pirates?". "Simple" the Captain replied "If I am wounded, the red shirt hides my blood so you men can focus on the task at hand instead of worrying about me". The men were stunned into silence and could only stare in awe at their brave leader.

Several days later, they men ran to the Captain, "Captain! Captain! There are TEN pirate ships!" The Captain replied "Quickly men! Bring me my brown pants!"
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05-07-2014, 11:57 PM
RE: Share A Joke
A dislexic man walks into a bra....

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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