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14-09-2010, 01:33 AM (This post was last modified: 14-09-2010 01:41 AM by sosa.)
RE: The joke Thread
A guy is headed downtown and is late for a job interview. He is desperate to find a parking place, and so he rolls down his window and shouts to god, "If you find me a parking place, I promise I'll never touch another drop of liquor."

Just then, a car pulls out, leaving a parking place right in front of his building.

He leans out and shouts to god, "Never mind, I found one myself."
It's 3:00 AM in the Vatican when the phone rings in the papal apartments. The pope's personal secretary answers, looks startled, then wakes up the pope and hands him the phone. The pope immediately recognizes the voice at the other end of the line as that of God.

"Hello Benedict! It's good to talk to you." Booms the voice of the almighty.
"It is certainly good to talk to you my lord" Says the pope.
"Well Ben, I am calling you to give you two pieces of news; a piece of good news and and a piece of bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" Says the lord of hosts.
After a second's hesitation his holiness says. "Well, my lord I suppose I should hear the good news first."
Yahweh immediately answers. "I have decided to do away with all the schisms and splintering of my church and bring everyone together into one big church."
Benedict is beside himself with joy. "Oh lord! This is what I have dreamed about all my life. If this is true then I can take any bad news! Give it to me now."
Jehovah hesitates and clears his throat. "Well Benedict, you see I'm calling from Salt Lake City."
An athiest sees two christians arguing in the street, so he walks over and asks what all the fuss is about. One of the christians explains that they're trying to decide how much of their money they should give to the church.

Christian 1: I think we should draw a circle on the ground, throw all our money in the air and whatever lands in the circle, we'll give to the lord.

Christian 2: And I think we should draw a circle on the ground, throw all our money in the air and whatever lands outside the circle, we should give to the lord.

The Athiest: Why don't you just throw all your money in the air, and whatever god wants, he can keep.
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. As he was walking alongside a powerful river he heard a loud rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a seven foot grizzly bear charge toward him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but the bear was now on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

The atheist cried out: "Oh God!" Immediately time stopped and the bear froze, and a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence all these years, teach others I don't exist, even credit what I created and made to cosmic accident. And now you cry out to me, expect me to help you out of this predicament?"

The atheist said: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian believer now, but perhaps you could grant me a wish: make the bear a Christian instead". "Very well", said the skyward voice.

The bear dropped his right paw about to strike, brought both paws together, bowed his head to the ground, and spoke these words: "Lord, Bless this food I am about to eat..."
What do you call a German Shepherd in a $10,000 hat?

The Pope.
During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a rationalist skeptic.

The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so."

"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.

Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward thump! creak! ...stopping just short of its mark once more.

"Another miracle!" sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.

Now it was the skeptic's turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the skeptic didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.

"Oh, I see your problem," the skeptic said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!"
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."
The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job."

He says, "You have sinned." Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job.

The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."
The priest in a small village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out behind the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.

Well, one Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and because the priest had heard that cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to question his parishioners about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, “Who’s got a cock?”

All the men stood up.

“No, No,” he said, “That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?”

All the women stood up.

“No, No,” he said, “That wasn’t what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?”

Half the women stood up.

“No, No,” he said, “I meant: Has anybody seen MY cock?”

Up stood five nuns, three altar boys, and two priests…
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26-09-2010, 02:52 PM
RE: The joke Thread
Quoting Christopher Hitchens:

"What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian?"
-Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.

"Remember, my friend, that knowledge is stronger than memory, and we should not trust the weaker." - Dr. Van Helsing, Dracula
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28-09-2010, 04:59 AM
RE: The joke Thread
(04-09-2010 06:59 AM)BnW Wrote:  A priest and a rabbi are standing on a street corner talking when a 10 year old boy walks by. The priest says "hey rabbi, we should grab that boy, pull him into the alley and screw him". The rabbi looks perplexed and says "out of what?".
That just went on my Facebook. Big Grin

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither are hurt. They crawl out of their cars and the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." And the priest said, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

And the rabbi said, "and look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break, surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. And so he handed the bottle to the priest. The priest said he agreed, took a few big swigs, and handed the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi took the bottle, didn't drink at all, put the cap on, and handed it back to the priest. The priest asked, "aren't you going to have any?" And the rabbi replied, "No . . . I think I'll just wait for the police."

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03-10-2010, 08:54 PM
 
RE: The joke Thread
my joke:

atheists do have church, its called science class
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08-10-2010, 09:45 AM
RE: The joke Thread
Swedish vs. english (the 'poems' are the same).

English:
Island island,
grassy island
grassy islands lady.

Swedish:
Ö ö,
hö ö
hö ös mö.

Correct me when I'm wrong.
Accept me or go to hell.
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27-10-2010, 05:00 AM
 
RE: The joke Thread
Message of the year:-
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!
Why? Very simple…
A woman does not have a wife..!!!
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28-10-2010, 02:15 AM
RE: The joke Thread
(27-10-2010 05:00 AM)Naters Wrote:  Message of the year:-
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!
Why? Very simple…
A woman does not have a wife..!!!

This is now politically wrong because some women have wives and to deny that is unconstitutional, and would put you in cahoots with the fundies. Wait a minute, I think I just contradicted myself. Tongue
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31-10-2010, 05:15 PM
RE: The joke Thread
Sorry Naters. I hope I didn't ruin your joke. I was just trying to create humor based on other humor, which is common practice with me and my friends. It is harder to do on line because of lack of nuance and body language. I hope I didn't blow it too badly.
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31-10-2010, 09:03 PM
RE: The joke Thread
(31-10-2010 05:15 PM)No J. Wrote:  Sorry Naters. I hope I didn't ruin your joke. I was just trying to create humor based on other humor, which is common practice with me and my friends. It is harder to do on line because of lack of nuance and body language. I hope I didn't blow it too badly.
It wasn't the delivery that blew the joke, it was you apologizing for it. Tongue

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01-11-2010, 02:43 AM
RE: The joke Thread
OK. I apologize for apologizing for my apology of the joke. Tongue
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