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07-03-2012, 07:59 PM
RE: The joke Thread
Here is a collection of humorous church bulletin bloopers (typographical errors) ...

. Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

· Thursday night ... pot luck supper. Prayer and medication will follow.

· Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church.

· For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery down stairs.

· Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

· Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

· The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

· At the evening service, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice

· This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

· Tuesday at four there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.

· The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the church basement Friday.

· The Reverend Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the congregation.

· The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, ‘Break Forth Into Joy."

· Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

· The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

· The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who laboured the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

· Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted.

· This morning’s sermon: “Jesus walks on the water”. Tonight’s sermon: “Where is Jesus?”

· During this morning’s meeting, be sure to smile and say hell to someone new.

· Ladies, don’t forget our rummage sale. Here’s a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping. Bring your husband along.

Humankind Dodgy (a total misnomer)
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17-04-2012, 09:11 PM
RE: The joke Thread
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he
had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar
backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..' The little boy
replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' ... The priest looked up
from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many. The boy said, ''My Dad
has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that
way!' The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while,
then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants
on backwards instead of your collar." Laughat

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18-04-2012, 10:29 AM (This post was last modified: 18-04-2012 10:31 AM by FSM_scot.)
RE: The Joke Thread
My wife turned to me during her mother's funeral and hissed, "When we
get home later, I'm going to make you fucking pay for this!"



For the life of me I couldn't think of what I had done wrong.



Maybe it's because I wasn't sharing my popcorn.

When I die, I'm going to have the Tetris theme played at my funeral, just as my coffin is being lowered into the ground.
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11-05-2012, 06:54 AM
RE: The Joke Thread
Translating just for you guys, two funny things about whiskey Hobo

Special recipe for cookies
Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup suger
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruits
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
juice from 1 lemon
nuts (as much as you like)
1 bottle scottish whiskey

Open the bottle of whiskey and try it for it's quality.
Take a big bowl. Try the whiskey once more, to be sure that it's the best quality; Fill a mug up to the rim and drink it.
turn on the electric mixer and beat the butter.
Add one tsp of sugar and keep beating.
Make sure that the whiskey is still ok, try one more mug.
Turn off the mixer.Throw two eggs into the bowl, and also throw the cups with dried fruits in.
Mix the switch on again.
If the fruited dryers get too gooey, simply loosen them with a screwdriver.
Taste the baking powder and try the whiskey for it's color.
Now sift two cups of salt or something similar.
Who cares? Try the whiskey!
Now chop the lemon juice and squeeze the nuts. Add a big spoon of castor oil and stir well with your forefinger or, if you want, use the sugar spoon. Can't you find something in your kitchen!?
Darn it! Spray the oven. Switch on the spring form at 350.
Don't forget to mix off the switch.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Drink the rest of the whiskey and go to bed!


Whiskey

I had 18 bottles of whiskey in the cellar. My wife ordered me to pour them all into the sink. I said "yes" and started.

I pulled the cork out of the first bottle and poured the contents into the sink, except one glass, which I drank.
Then I extracted the cork of the second bottle and did the same, except one glass, which I drank. Then I pulled the cork of the third bottle and poured the whiskey into the sink, which I drank. Then I poured the cork of the fourth into the sink and poured the bottle into the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle off the sink, drank a cork and threw the rest into the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork into the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glas, bottled the drink and drinked the pour. When I had finnished emptying, I stopped the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks, and found out, that they was 39. And when the house passed by again, I counted again and finally had all the houses in the bottle, which I drank. I am not under the alfluence of incohol as some thinkers people. I am not so think as you would drunk. But I have such a wonderfeel fulling .... ooh

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11-05-2012, 08:18 AM
RE: The Joke Thread
A life guard is doing his rounds on a secluded area when at the top of the beach he spots a woman with no arms and legs on a towel propped up against a rock. She is crying so he approaches and enquires whats wrong. She tells him she it is a silly reason but her insists and she reveals she had never been kissed.... and that this made her sad Sad

The lifeguard glances around the deserted beach and then gives the woman a long and passionate kiss..... afterwards the woman is so happy and beaming and smiling, she thanks the lifeguard profusely as he makes his way off.

10 minutes later on his way back round the woman is still there and is crying once more..... he again approaches and enquires what is the matter. The woman was happy at being kissed..... but she had never had her body explored by a man Blush

The lifeguard gives another glance around the deserted beach and spends ten minutes kissing and touching the woman..... afterwards she is happy and smiling and beaming again and once more she thanks the lifeguard again as he makes his way off.

15 minutes later on his way back around the lifeguard spots the woman still there and crying again..... a little bit annoyed this time the lifeguard approaches and asks whats up this time. The woman again thanks the lifeguard for everything he has done and she is gratefull for everything but there was one last thing...... and shyly and timidly she whispered....... Ive never been fucked.

The Lifeguard once again glances around the totally deserted beach and picks the woman up..... he wades deep into the sea and hurls her in on a long swell outwards.

"Bon voyage" shouts the lifeguard "your fucked now" Cool

For no matter how much I use these symbols, to describe symptoms of my existence.
You are your own emphasis.
So I say nothing.

-Bemore.
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21-05-2012, 06:40 AM
RE: The Joke Thread




Heart

For no matter how much I use these symbols, to describe symptoms of my existence.
You are your own emphasis.
So I say nothing.

-Bemore.
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21-05-2012, 01:54 PM
RE: The Joke Thread
Conservapedia

"IN THRUST WE TRUST"

"We were conservative Jews and that meant we obeyed God's Commandments until His rules became a royal pain in the ass."

- Joel Chastnoff, The 188th Crybaby Brigade
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22-05-2012, 11:43 PM
RE: The Joke Thread
An elderly couple goes to a marriage councilor to work out their problems. During the session, the wife says to the husband, "Look at that fat belly. If it was on a young woman, she'd be pregnant!" To which the husband coyly replies, "It was and she is!"

This actually comes from a Benny Hill skit.
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22-05-2012, 11:46 PM
RE: The Joke Thread
(22-05-2012 11:43 PM)ghostexorcist Wrote:  An elderly couple goes to a marriage councilor to work out their problems. During the session, the wife says to the husband, "Look at that fat belly. If it was on a young woman, she'd be pregnant!" To which the husband coyly replies, "It was and she is!"

This actually comes from a Benny Hill skit.
Lol. loooove Benny Hill Thumbsup

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24-05-2012, 04:36 AM
RE: The Joke Thread
[Image: irony.jpg]

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I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours.
-Hunter S. Thompson
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