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24-05-2012, 05:25 AM
RE: The Joke Thread
Aged 18 a young man approaches his father and asks for a loan to get driving lessons and a car.... his father asks "can your penis touch your bum???"....... to which the young man replies "No"

He is refused the loan.

Aged 25 the same young man goes to his father and asks for a loan for a deposit on a house for him and his new family..... his father asks him the same question "Can your penis touch your bum???"......... to which the man again replies "No" and is again refused the loan.

In fact after that everytime the man asks his dad for a loan he is allways asked the same question, and is refused..... until one day the man stops asking completly.

Aged 50 a once poor young man is sitting on the porch of his mansion admiring the view of his grounds when he is approached slowly by his father..... who asks for a loan to go towards a cruise around the world...... the son asks his father "Can your penis touch your bum???".......... To which the father says "As a matter of fact .... it can"..... To which the son replies....... "Then go fuck yourself" Evil_monster

For no matter how much I use these symbols, to describe symptoms of my existence.
You are your own emphasis.
So I say nothing.

-Bemore.
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24-05-2012, 05:36 AM
RE: The Joke Thread
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I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours.
-Hunter S. Thompson
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24-05-2012, 05:45 AM
RE: The Joke Thread



Insufferable know-it-all.Einstein Certified Ancient Astronaut Theorist
Isaiah 45:7 "I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things" (KJV)

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24-05-2012, 05:52 AM
RE: The Joke Thread
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I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours.
-Hunter S. Thompson
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24-05-2012, 09:35 AM
RE: The Joke Thread



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29-05-2012, 06:28 PM
RE: The Joke Thread


POOF, THE LIGHT GOES OFF !
A 72-year-old man
goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says,
"Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are
you at peace with God?"
Harry replies, "God and I are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of
the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done,
poof!, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor
says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs.
White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe
of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and
poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light
goes off?"


"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. white
exclaims,


"He's pissing in the
fridge again!"

Humankind Dodgy (a total misnomer)
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02-06-2012, 03:23 AM
RE: The Joke Thread
A guy has succesfully got a new job working as a scientific researcher on a ship that sails all around the antartic........ he meets the other 6 men he will be working with and is shown all around the ship by the captain....... he is shown the engine room, his cabin, the kitchen and the labs he will be conducting his research in.

He is very impressed with it all and as the tour winds up he makes a joke about long trips out without the company of women.... the captain laughs and tells him he cant believe he forgot to show him the "barrel room".

So the captain leads the guy to a small room that has nothing but a large barrel in it. The captain explains that in the side of the barrel is a hole and that if he sticks his penis in it then he wont be able to tell the difference from that of a woman.......... the guy is incredulous to this but the captain insists the guy have 20 mins on his own with the barrel and leaves.......

(20 mins later)

..... and the captain and the guy are both smiling and joking about the barrel.

GUY: I cant believe how real it feels.
CAPTAIN: Yes and your free to use it anytime but sundays.
GUY: Brilliant..... but why not sundays???
CAPTAIN: Thats your day in the barrel

Tongue

For no matter how much I use these symbols, to describe symptoms of my existence.
You are your own emphasis.
So I say nothing.

-Bemore.
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02-06-2012, 01:30 PM
RE: The Joke Thread
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

Insufferable know-it-all.Einstein Certified Ancient Astronaut Theorist
Isaiah 45:7 "I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things" (KJV)

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11-06-2012, 06:39 PM
RE: The Joke Thread
A Muslim dies and finds
himself before the Pearly Gates..



He is very excited, as all
his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.


Having arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.



"Are you
Mohammed?" he asks.



"No, my son. I am
Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into
the clouds.



Delighted that Mohammed
should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs
through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.



He asks again, "Are
you Mohammed?"



"No, I am Moses.
Mohammed is higher still."



Exhausted, but with a heart
full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an
even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.



Full of hope, he asks
again, "Are you Mohammed?"



"No, I am Jesus... You
will find Mohammed higher up."



Mohammed higher than Jesus!



The poor man can hardly
contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.


Once again he reaches a larger
room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:



"Are you
Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his
climbing



"No my son.....I am
God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"



"Yes, please, my
Lord."



God looks behind him, claps
his hands and calls out:






"Hey Mohammed, two
coffees!!!!"


Humankind Dodgy (a total misnomer)
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13-06-2012, 12:38 AM
RE: The Joke Thread
This ones' short, sweet and a little bit wrong but here goes....

A little boy was in the shower with his mother and he says to her, "Mummy, what's that?" he said, pointing to her lower private parts.

She said, "That's where your father hit me with an axe".

He looked up at her and said, "Good shot, right in the c*nt!" Shocking




Warning: Not to be told to anyone prudish.

Humankind Dodgy (a total misnomer)
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