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[Chas]

"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world."



Then he made the world round and laughed, and laughed, and laughed, ...

[aurora]

(23-08-2012 08:01 PM)Chas Wrote:  "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world."



Then he made the world round and laughed, and laughed, and laughed, ...

Oh, you didn't just do that!
Cheeky bastard...

[bemore]

Two interesting facts about me.

1) My knob is the same length as 3 Argos pens.

2) I'm banned from Argos.

[FSM_scot]

After sinking yet another whiskey, it finally sunk in for Batman his marriage was over after his divorce came through.

"Look on the bright side" Robin said, putting an arm round his crime fighting pal.

"At least you won't need to get a fathers for justice outfit."

[aurora]

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

[aurora]

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she
asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body
goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front
of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

Little Johnny who had clearly been thinking quietly, raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked into Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night.
Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God! I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted!

[bemore]

(Little Johnny waved his arm in the air impatiently)

Teacher: "sue you come up and tell us what you think is important in the world"
(sue walks up and draws some trees and flowers)
Sue: "I think trees and plants are important because without them and the sea we couldnt breathe"
Teacher: Well done whos next??

(Johnny waves his arm in the air frantically)

Teacher: "Mike, you come up and tell us"
(Mike walks up and draws the moon and sun)
Mike: "The sun and moon are important because without the sun we would be cold and without the moon we wouldnt have tides"
Teacher: "Well done whos next???

(Johnny is almost out of his seat waving with both arms)

Teacher: "Ok johnny you can come up"
(Johnny walks up and draws a dot)
Teacher: "What is that Johnny"
Johnny: "A period miss"
Teacher: "And why are periods so important???"
Johnny: "Well when my 14 year old sister came down and said she had missed hers for three months my mother fainted... my dad hit the roof.... and the guy next door shot himself"

[earmuffs]

Erx's moderating.

[aurora]

10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter says ''If any of you are Paedophiles you can fuck off down to Hell."
9 of them start to walk away, when St Peter calls out ''And take this deaf bastard with you.''

The wife said to me last night ''If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse."
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

The wife came out of the bathroom and said ''I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you?''
I said ''Yeah the fuck'n drain hole is blocked again.''

[FSM_scot]

I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.

My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."

"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse."