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[Bucky Ball]

Jesus walks into a hotel. He trows 4 nails on the counter, and says, "Can ya put me up for the night ?".

[aurora]

Muffs lives in the white house!

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[FSM_scot]

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."



Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"Fuck off you cunt," he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

[ScienceGeek2587]

Two young Minnesotan men die in a snowmobiling accident and are sent to Hell. After a few moments, the Devil catches them enjoying themselves.

"What's going on," he asks them on finding them celebrating comfortably.
"Oh yeah, we're from Minnesota, and we're finally warm."
The Devil turns up the heat and goes to check on them. They've removed their outer coats and are celebrating wearing only their snowpants and inner coats.

He turns the heat up again, only to find them celebrating still more fervently, with fewer layers on. The cycle continues finally frustrating the Devil. He switches the heat to cold and cools the room to inhabitably cold. He goes in and finds the Minnesotans back in full winter dress with only their eyes and noses peeking out celebrating maniacally.

"Why are you celebrating," the Devil asks in a growl.

"The Vikings won the Superbowl!"

In that moment, two recently-deceased Alaskans are sent into the room.

"Hell yeah," the first Alaskan screams.
"Told you we'd go to Heaven," the second exclaims, "tropical environment and naked women!"

[FSM_scot]

The world didn't end...
I was up all night and it was a close one, but I managed to save you all.

You're welcome!



I'll be having logs on the fire this Christmas...
...My toilet's fucked!

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[Hughsie]

I left school at the age of sixteen, without a single qualification to my name, and not having the slightest conception of the workings of the real world. I had little or no grasp of the mysteries of mathematics, the complexities of economics, or the achievements of history. As for science, even the most mentally impoverished troglodyte's knowledge of biology, chemistry and physics would easily have surpassed my own. All I had to fall back on was my verbose and rather patronising manner of speaking, a misguided and embarrassingly outdated understanding of society, and a blind faith in things all somehow working out for the best.

And that's how I became a vicar.