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05-03-2014, 06:16 AM
RE: Share A Joke
A blonde woman was speeding down the highway in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, also coincidentally, a blonde.

The cop asked to see the woman’s driver’s license. The woman dug through her purse, getting more and more agitated.
“what does it look like?” The police woman replied, ‘It’s square and has your picture on it.’

The blonde driver finally found a square mirror in her purse. She looked at herself, and handed it over.

The blonde officer looked into the mirror, and returned it saying “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…”

If bullshit were music some people would be a brass band.
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05-03-2014, 06:18 AM
RE: Share A Joke
I was in a pub in North Western Florida last Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my ass and said Give me your number, sexy!!

I replied Have you got a pen?

She smiled and said Yes.


I replied Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing.

If bullshit were music some people would be a brass band.
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05-03-2014, 02:24 PM
RE: Share A Joke
   

“The first duty of a man is to think for himself” ― José Martí
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10-03-2014, 08:58 AM
RE: Share A Joke
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

“This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.”

“Yes, I remember him as a baby.” says the other mother cheerfully.

“He's a martyr now though.” the mother confides.

“Oh, so sad dear...” says the other.

“And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.”

“Oh, I remember him,” says the other happily, “he had such curly hair when he was born.”

“He's a martyr too...” says the mother quietly.

“Oh, gracious me...” says the other.

“And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18”, she whispers.

“Yes,” says the friend enthusiastically, “I remember when he first started school...”

“He's a martyr also” says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says …..

“They blow up so fast, don't they?”

Eternal happiness is rhubarb tart. - John Cleese
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06-04-2014, 08:10 PM
RE: Share A Joke
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have
a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend
that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the
first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a
trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist
it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd
like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute
passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans
over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this
religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

Humankind Dodgy (a total misnomer)
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30-04-2014, 07:38 PM
RE: Share A Joke
A man is in the market for a horse, and finds one in an ad that seems like a good fit. He makes arrangements to meet the seller and look at the horse. The man is very impressed, and tells the seller he's like to take it out for a ride. The seller says to him "Sure. But there is one thing you must know. I am a minister, and this is a religious horse. He does not respond to traditional commands. To make him go, you say 'Praise the lord', and to make him stop, you say 'amen'"

So, the guy mounts up, says "Praise the lord", and the horse takes off like a rocket. This horse can MOVE! The man is mightily impressed. The horse is perfect. The man notices that they are approaching a cliff, and he pulls back on the reins a bit. The horse keeps going. The man says 'Whoa', and the horse keeps going. Now mildly alarmed, the man cannot recall the stop command. He yells 'STOP!', "QUIT", "HALT!", but the horse only goes faster. The cliff is just a couple of yards away, then the man suddenly remembers. He yells "AMEN!" and the horse stops on a dime. They are so close to the edge that the man's momentum nearly throws him over the horse's head, and the fronts of the hooves are off the edge of the cliff. Relieved, the man wipes the sweat from his brow and exclaims "Praise the lord!"
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04-05-2014, 08:10 PM
RE: Share A Joke
Can't take credit for 'em, I just found 'em and thought they waz funny. Hobo Tongue

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The bartender says "We don't serve time travellers here."

A time traveller walks into a bar...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My girlfriend broke up with me because I named my penis...

I guess I'll have to take Matters into my own hands...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Men think about sex every 7 seconds.

Which is why I eat hot dogs in under 6 seconds, ...

so it doesn't get weird.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I really like the word 'frequently' and I try to use it as often as I can.

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04-05-2014, 08:28 PM
RE: Share A Joke
A handful of gamma rays were driving down the road. When the cop came by to give them a ticket, he found something peculiar about them.

They gave him cancer.

“You see… sometimes life gives you lemons. And when that happens… you need to find some spell that makes lemons explode, because lemons are terrible. I only ate them once and I can say with certainty they are the worst fruit. If life gave me lemons, I would view it as nothing short of a declaration of war."
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22-05-2014, 10:28 PM
RE: Share A Joke
The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased..
And Dog was happy.

And Cat . . ..
didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Humankind Dodgy (a total misnomer)
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22-05-2014, 11:20 PM
Share A Joke
[Image: me4usy3a.jpg]

“It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.”
― Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Sherlock Holmes
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