Share A Joke
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 1 Votes - 5 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
03-09-2010, 04:04 PM (This post was last modified: 17-04-2012 09:40 PM by Hughsie.)
 
Share A Joke
Tell your favorite jokes here. Religious jokes, (moderately) offensive jokes, whatever.

I'll start it off:


This guy is sitting in his living room with his daughters in his lap when one of them looks up at him and asks a question.

She says, “Daddy, how did I get my name?”

Daddy looks down at her and says, “Well, on the day that you were born, a rose petal fell and landed on your forehead. Your mom took it as a sign from God, so we named you Rose.”

Her sister looks up and says, “What about me, daddy?”

Daddy looks down at her and says, “Well, when you were born, a petal from a daisy fell and landed on your forehead. Mom took that as a sign from God too, and we named you Daisy because of it.”

The third daughter looked up at her father and said “Thsadfklnashdjlfhsw!”

Daddy looked down at her and said “Shut the hell up, Cinderblock.”
Quote this message in a reply
[+] 4 users Like Soldieringon's post
03-09-2010, 04:16 PM
RE: The joke Thread
A mason was building a barbeque pit when he suddenly calculated he was 99 bricks short. He went to the supplier and asked if he could buy 99 bricks. The supplier replied in the negative, saying he could buy 100, but not 99. The mason complied and upon receiving the bricks took one and threw it WAAAAAY up into the sky.

Tongue

Here's another one.

A woman was on a plane near a man with a strong, expensive cigar. She eventually got fed up with the odor and told him to put it out. The man looked at her and saw she was travelling with a small dog in her bag and formed an idea. He said he would throw out his cigar if she would throw out her dog, knowing she would never risk her precious puppy's life like that.

Surprisingly, the woman complied, and the two opened their windows (employ a willing suspension of disblief here that the cabin didn't depressurize and whatnot) and both threw their respective treasures, however at the last minute, the woman pulled at the dog's chain and retrieved her dog! But surprise, surprise, what did it have in its mouth?

A brick! You read the first joke, right? Tongue

"It does feel like something to be wrong; it feels like being right." -Kathryn Schulz
I am 100% certain that I am wrong about something I am certain about right now. Because even if everything I stand for turns out to be completely true, I was still wrong about being wrong.
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like ebilekittae's post
03-09-2010, 04:23 PM
 
RE: The joke Thread
(03-09-2010 04:16 PM)LeviTimes Wrote:  A brick! You read the first joke, right? Tongue

Well played sir! Here's an old one.

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are standing in front of the judge, and Mickey is pleading for a divorce.

The judge looks down at mickey and says, "You know, Mr. Mouse, I don't see why the two of you never tried psychological help. In these days of modern science, a little mental illness can be dealt with and the two of you could go along happily.."

Mickey looks up at the judge and says, "Oh, no your Honor. I never said she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!"
Quote this message in a reply
[+] 6 users Like Soldieringon's post
04-09-2010, 02:40 AM
RE: The joke Thread
Wife:''Hey, Peter!''
Husband:''Finally, i've been waiting for so long!''
Wife:''Do you want me to leave?''
Husband:''No! How could you think about something like that? Just a thought about it horrifys me.''
Wife:''Do you love me?''
Husband:''Of course, all the time!''
Wife:''Have you ever betrayed me?''
Husband:''Never! Why are you even asking something like that?''
Wife:''Do you want to kiss me?''
Husband: ''Yes, always when i have the opportunity to!''
Wife:''Would you ever hit me?''
Husband:''Are you crazy? You know me!''
Wife:''Can i trust you?''
Husband:''Yes, my love...''
Wife:''Darling...''

10 years later...(read it again, but this time start from the below[you know, start with the ''darling...'' and end with ''hey peter!''])
-------------------------------------------------------------
You know what food they serve in a North Korean restaurant?
-Nothing, they dont have any, hahahaha.

Try making up a better one.Smile
------------------------------------------------------------
If Electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Correct me when I'm wrong.
Accept me or go to hell.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like Kikko's post
04-09-2010, 06:59 AM
RE: The joke Thread
A priest and a rabbi are standing on a street corner talking when a 10 year old boy walks by. The priest says "hey rabbi, we should grab that boy, pull him into the alley and screw him". The rabbi looks perplexed and says "out of what?".

Shackle their minds when they're bent on the cross
When ignorance reigns, life is lost
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 4 users Like BnW's post
05-09-2010, 03:04 AM
RE: The joke Thread
Q. What is the difference between a pimple and a priest?


A. A pimple doesn't come on a boy's face until he is at least thirteen.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like No J.'s post
05-09-2010, 06:20 AM
 
RE: The joke Thread
Four nuns are standing in front of the gates to Heaven when Saint Peter walks up.

He says to them, “You see ladies, it's been kind of busy, and I haven’t been keeping an eye on you like I should. So, I’m going to ask you each one question and your answer will determine whether you get into heaven or not.”

He turns to the first nun, and he says, “Excuse me, sister, have you ever touched a man's penis?”

The first nun blushes and says, “Yes Saint Peter, with this hand..” and she raises he right hand.

Saint Peter looks at her, and says, “Okay, you see that birdbath over there? The one filled with cherubs? That's holy water. I want you to go wash your hand clean of sin, and sign your name to the book of life for being so honest with me.”

She of course is ecstatic, and thanks him profusely. He replies to her, “No, this is heaven, it's the way it's supposed to be...” So, the first nun washes her hand, signs her name and walks on in to heaven.

Thinking that this is a great question, he turns to the second nun, and asks it again. Th second nun says, “Yes, Saint Peter, with both my hands. A lot.” So Saint Peter gives her directions to the same birdbath and tells her to wash both her hands. A lot. And she signs her name to the book of life and continues in through the gates.

Saint Peter is about to ask the third nun the same question when the fourth nun starts yanking on the sleeve of her habit, trying to get the third nun's attention. The third nun turns around and looks at the fourth nun.

“Yes,” she says, “what is it?”

The fourth nun replies, “Do you mind if we switch places?”

“Of course not,” the third nun answers. “But why?”

The fourth nun looks at her earnestly and answers, “Because if it's all the same to you, I'd like to gargle before you scrub your ass.”
(05-09-2010 03:04 AM)No J. Wrote:  Q. What is the difference between a pimple and a priest?


A. A pimple doesn't come on a boy's face until he is at least thirteen.

Ouch. Harsh. Funny, but harsh.
Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Soldieringon's post
07-09-2010, 07:11 AM
 
RE: The joke Thread
[Image: 20100904.gif]

I just need to keep them occupied all the time though.
Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Dregs's post
08-09-2010, 05:35 PM
 
RE: The joke Thread
A Rabbi and a Priest play golf together. the Priest hits the ball, misses the hole, get angry and shouts: "Shit I missed!"

The Rabbi tells him: You should not curse, God wouldn't like it...

another hole, another miss, another: "Shit I missed!"

again, the Rabbi: You should not curse, god would punish you.

suddenly both of them see a meteor in the sky, heading right 2wards them, hitting the rabbi and kill him. the Priest looks up and hears a mighty voice shouts "Shit, I missed!"
Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like guyron's post
10-09-2010, 02:07 AM
RE: The joke Thread
How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go off and on at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light bulb is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring a bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review the church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.

Amish: What’s a light bulb?

All learning is quite useless if you haven't learned to question what you learn.
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 5 users Like Juppers's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: