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24-06-2011, 04:59 PM
RE: The joke Thread
Quote:A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." Presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.

Quote:Now, no-one likes the idea of their mother having sexual intercourse.

But to start a global religion based on the idea that she never did...

Quote:I saw a sign outside a church which read:

"C H - R C H... There's only one thing missing."

I'm not sure "CHPROOFRCH" is even a word.

Quote:A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law go on holiday to the Holy Land. While they are there, the mother-in-law dies.
The local undertaker tells the man, "You can have her shipped home for £10,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £50.00."
The man thinks for a minute, and tells the undertaker to pack her up and ship her home. The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend £10,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only £50.00?"

The man replied, "A guy died here 2000 years ago, he was buried and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Quote:So the rapture is happening today... However the God channel on Sky still has a schedule for tomorrow... Ironic?

Quote:Christianity - The religion based on the irony of a carpenter being nailed to a giant wooden cross.

Quote:Recently a Christian priest commented on those who have been sexually abused by other priests and by stating that they "should get over it".

Personally, I believe he is right. Jesus was nailed to the cross over two thousand years ago and you don't see people harping on about it now, do you?

Quote:Today, my girlfriend received a religious leaflet describing how abstinence is the only 100% effective way of avoiding pregnancy. Outraged, I promptly sent the organisation a letter with a picture of Mary and Jesus with the caption "99.9%, you fucks."

Thank God for Sickipedia! Big Grin

Best and worst of Ferdinand .....
Best
Ferdinand: We don't really say 'theist' in Alabama. Here, you're either a Christian, or you're from Afghanistan and we fucking hate you.
Worst
Ferdinand: Everyone from British is so, like, fucking retarded.
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25-06-2011, 07:11 AM
RE: The joke Thread
Four men are walking down the street, a Muslim, a pedophile, a murderer, and a rapist .........and that was just the first guy.
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25-06-2011, 07:44 AM
 
RE: The joke Thread
a priest is a better fit phacops "a priest a pedophile, a murderer, and a rapist .........and that was just the first guy.
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28-06-2011, 01:49 AM
RE: The joke Thread
Hunting for Church
A young boy arrived to Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.
To which the boy replied, "Yes he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

When I find myself in times of trouble, Richard Dawkins comes to me, speaking words of reason, now I see, now I see.
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10-07-2011, 10:50 PM
 
RE: The joke Thread
Fox News
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22-02-2012, 07:07 PM (This post was last modified: 22-02-2012 07:11 PM by aurora.)
RE: The joke Thread
MORE ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you pass wind.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14.. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse - then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Another lot....

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - I f you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
6. Variation Law- If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11..Law of the Theater & Sports Arena s - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - A s soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

Humankind Dodgy (a total misnomer)
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06-03-2012, 02:52 PM
RE: The joke Thread
Just remembered a joke:

So the other day I went to a restaurant after work. Was really cool location, even very great music, totally my style.
I really had to fart, and the music was very loud anyway. So I let go, I farted with every basebeat until I was done.
When I felt really well I noticed people were staring at me and that is when I noticed I was wearing headphones.

[Image: 69p7qx.gif]
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06-03-2012, 03:53 PM (This post was last modified: 06-03-2012 04:17 PM by bemore.)
RE: The joke Thread
A guy is sitting in a pub on his own minding his own business when he is approached by a strange looking man. This stranger sits down next to him and quietly says "would you like to buy a ferret???"
The man says "what would I want with a ferret???"
The stranger says "It gives the best oral sex a man could ever dream of"
The man roars with laughter and tells the stranger to clear off.
"No im being dead serious" says the stranger "Take it to the toilet and just show it your penis and it will automatically do the rest for you...and to convince you that im being genuine I will pay you £1000 if it fails to satisfy....thats how confident I am"
The man thinks he can earn a quick buck here so he takes the stranger up on his offer.

(30 minutes later)

The man staggers out of the toilet with a huge grin on his face.... he dazily wanders over to the stranger and say "That was awesome....how much do you want for it" The stranger asks for whatever the man has got, so the man emptys his wallet out and also gives the stranger his keys to his brand new Land Rover outside.

When the man gets home he realises that he has given the stranger his car keys and they had his house keys on...... so he has to bang on the door to wake his wife up.

(5 minutes later)

The mans wife opens the door and says "what time do you call this??? Wheres your keys??? Where is the Landrover??? What is that trying to get into your trousers???"

The man has a big stupid grin on his face and says "Its a ferret"
His wife says "What the hell do you want me to do with a ferret"
The man says "Teach it to cook and then fuck off" Big Grin
One more Big Grin

A man rides a bus to work everyday and one monday morning he is astounded to see a dog get on.... the dog is carrying a basket in its mouth and it puts it face in the basket and pulls out a ticket that it shows to the driver. The driver shrugs and lets the dog ride the bus/

The dog sits patiently on the floor and gets off two stops before the man.

This happens every monday for months and one day the man decides to follow the dog just to see where it goes. So when the dog gets off the man gets off and follows it from a distance. The man watches as the dog patiently waits at pedestrian crosses for the lights to change, it even helps an elderly woman across the road. The dog goes into different shops, first it goes into a butchers and pulls a note out that it shows the butcher, the butcher gives it plenty of meat and takes money out of the basket. the dog then goes to a greengrocers, the chemist and finaly a newsagents before getting back on the bus.

The man also gets on the bus and sits near the dog....he trys to tempt it with sweets but it isnt interested and guards the basket. When the dog gets off the man also gets off and again follows it. Eventually the dog reaches a house and it places the basket down and raps the letter box with its paw.... after a few seconds a woman comes out and starts violently beating the dog with a massive stick. The dog is absoloutly petrified and running round whining and crying but the woman does not relent. The man has seen enough and he runs over and rips the stick out of the womans hand and say "what the fuck are you doing to this dog.....it is so intelligent and smart, ive watched it do your shopping and it even helped an old woman across the road"

The woman scowls at him and says "it may be smart and intelligent but this is the third time this week its forgoten its key" Big Grin

You're never going to say the things you want to say.
The things you want to change will usually stay that way
The promises you break outweigh the ones you keep.
Paint upon the wall for the hundredth time.

Jesus Jones
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06-03-2012, 11:20 PM
RE: The joke Thread
A WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,

One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won’t be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.




A MAN’S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn’t rhyme, and I don’t give a shit.

The End

Humankind Dodgy (a total misnomer)
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07-03-2012, 03:20 AM
RE: The joke Thread
Four guys are sharing a prison cell....A guy in for extreme violence, an arsonist, an animal molester and a sado masochist. They are all bored looking out of the cells when just beyond the prison boundaries they see a cat.

The guy in for violence says "Damn I hate being locked up in here..... I wish that cat was in here I would smash it to bits"

The arsonist laughs and says "Yeah when you have finished with it id love to set it on fire"

The animal molester says "That would be awesome, id have sex with it till there was nothing left of it"

The sado masochist says "meow"

You're never going to say the things you want to say.
The things you want to change will usually stay that way
The promises you break outweigh the ones you keep.
Paint upon the wall for the hundredth time.

Jesus Jones
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