Shit My Relatives Say.
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14-04-2017, 03:36 PM
Shit My Relatives Say.
I thought I'd do a thread dedicated to my relatives and the lovely things they say.
Inspired by a visit by my aunt-in-law today (is that a thing people say?)...


My Aunt-In-Law (to me): "I remember when your husband lived with us for awhile. He used to call himself an atheist. He said he doesn't believe in God. I swear, I wanted to throw a dictionary at him. An atheist believes that god exists but is absent in the world an agnostic doesn't believe in God. Like, helloooo."


My Aunt-In-Law: "That's a huge mirror." (A literal mirror.)
Husband: "It is."
My Aunt-In-Law: "Just be careful around mirrors. They're portals. Ask your uncle, I've fucked around with too many spells in our house, God only knows what's on the other side of them at this point."

My Aunt-In-Law: "Did I ever tell you that a demon had sex with me while I was sleeping?"

(Things I remember my mother saying a few years ago)

My Mother (she's 72, I was adopted): "You know I was around when there were slaves."
Me: *nearly spits out my tea* What???
My Mother: Yeah, I saw a black woman sweeping a white family's porch when I was 10.
Me: ...You know she might've been a maid who was hired to work for the family considering slavery was abolished way before you were born.
My Mother: *defensively* Well, housework is slavery. What else would you call it? (She was serious.)


Me: *getting ready to mop a floor.*
My mother: We're running out of Lysol.
Me: *gets ready to mix Lysol with Pine Sol*
My Mother: NO! You can't mix cleaning chemicals. They will explode!

And the last one I can't remember what brought it up but my mother tried to convince me that night is caused by really dark clouds forming together.


Relatives say the darndest things...Facepalm
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14-04-2017, 04:12 PM
RE: Shit My Relatives Say.
(14-04-2017 03:36 PM)Larai19 Wrote:  My Aunt-In-Law: "Did I ever tell you that a demon had sex with me while I was sleeping?"

Damn, I have been waiting for this demon sex for years but no luck! Weeping

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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14-04-2017, 04:26 PM
RE: Shit My Relatives Say.
My (beloved-but-got-so-out-there-at-the-end, now-deceased) grandma: "You know, all these preachers keep saying Christians need to stand behind what Israel's doing in the Middle East, but I don't agree."
Me: "Oh, yeah? Me, too. Using vague religious arguments to support..."
Grandma: [talking over me] "Yes. Because, you know, God gave them that land, and they rejected that gift when they gave it to the Palestinians, so Christians shouldn't side with them."
Me: Huh Gasp Shocking Facepalm Weeping
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14-04-2017, 04:34 PM
RE: Shit My Relatives Say.
My mum suffered from dementia, so I guess she is excused. It's a sad condition, gradually loosing your powers of cognition and perception, slowly becoming someone else. She died unexpectedly from cardiac arrest in a nursing home in descember last year.

But there were episodes of great comedy amidst the tragedy, that still makes me smile. Like when I had bought her a bag-in-box with red wine, and she retired into her bedroom to have a long conversation with her friend (i.e. the mirror image of herself in the bedroom mirror). Suddenly she came bursting out of the bedroom, bringing her bag-in-box. To her horror, she had noticed that her friend had exactly the same bag-in-box, found a pen, and promptly wrote her name on the box, to avoid any mixing up of the two.

The one, true, and real Harvey

Bene vixit, bene qui latuit
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14-04-2017, 05:08 PM
RE: Shit My Relatives Say.
My relatives don't say crazy shit. My dad's side of the family are all "intellectuals" and my mom's side of the family are too stupid to talk about anything other then the weather.

My workmates on the other hand...
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14-04-2017, 05:21 PM
RE: Shit My Relatives Say.
You should write a book. (that's what I did with my crazy relatives)

They're wrong about everything else, but they could be right about mixing household cleaners being dangerous. Not explosions, as I understand it, but fumes that can kill you.
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14-04-2017, 05:26 PM
RE: Shit My Relatives Say.
Seeing as how today is Goo Friday ™ and I was outside painting fence pickets on a beautiful, sunny afternoon...

My parents would tell me that it always rained on this day. I think they told me this on the one Goo Friday that it did rain and it made an impression on me when I was about 10 or so. The very next year we had clear blue skies and I asked about the rain...they never mentioned the rain again.

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
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14-04-2017, 05:57 PM
RE: Shit My Relatives Say.
When little girls whistle, mother Mary cries in heaven.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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14-04-2017, 09:40 PM
RE: Shit My Relatives Say.
Just today.

My very religious sister-in-law was talking to my wife about a few christian books they are reading. My SIL then says that there was some other book that she tried to read but it was too silly.

I nearly caughed up the milk I was drinking. All I got were a few sour looks.

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
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15-04-2017, 12:16 AM
RE: Shit My Relatives Say.
(14-04-2017 03:36 PM)Larai19 Wrote:  I thought I'd do a thread dedicated to my relatives and the lovely things they say.
Inspired by a visit by my aunt-in-law today (is that a thing people say?)...


My Aunt-In-Law (to me): "I remember when your husband lived with us for awhile. He used to call himself an atheist. He said he doesn't believe in God. I swear, I wanted to throw a dictionary at him. An atheist believes that god exists but is absent in the world an agnostic doesn't believe in God. Like, helloooo."


My Aunt-In-Law: "That's a huge mirror." (A literal mirror.)
Husband: "It is."
My Aunt-In-Law: "Just be careful around mirrors. They're portals. Ask your uncle, I've fucked around with too many spells in our house, God only knows what's on the other side of them at this point."

My Aunt-In-Law: "Did I ever tell you that a demon had sex with me while I was sleeping?"

(Things I remember my mother saying a few years ago)

My Mother (she's 72, I was adopted): "You know I was around when there were slaves."
Me: *nearly spits out my tea* What???
My Mother: Yeah, I saw a black woman sweeping a white family's porch when I was 10.
Me: ...You know she might've been a maid who was hired to work for the family considering slavery was abolished way before you were born.
My Mother: *defensively* Well, housework is slavery. What else would you call it? (She was serious.)


Me: *getting ready to mop a floor.*
My mother: We're running out of Lysol.
Me: *gets ready to mix Lysol with Pine Sol*
My Mother: NO! You can't mix cleaning chemicals. They will explode!

And the last one I can't remember what brought it up but my mother tried to convince me that night is caused by really dark clouds forming together.


Relatives say the darndest things...Facepalm

1. I mean this in the nicest way possible. Your aunt in law is crazy as FUCK!

2. /sigh

3. She might be referring to mixing bleach and ammonia.... but.... that won't explode it'll just create a gas that will burn the fuck out of your lungs and kill you in a high enough concentration.... Isn't science fun?


..... Do I dare repeat the shit my family has said..... ? I am currently undecided.

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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