Should I Stay or Should I Go
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04-06-2015, 07:42 AM
RE: Should I Stay or Should I Go
Your parents are going to bug you no matter where you are. Of course, closer proximity could mean more bugging. It seems like you don't mind the drive as long as you are enjoying where you work. So really the only issue is the spending more time with son v. happier work environment.

If it were my decision, imo, I think it would depend on how much less time with my son. If it was very significant, I think I would choose option A. If it was less, but not significantly so, I would choose B.
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04-06-2015, 07:47 AM
RE: Should I Stay or Should I Go
(04-06-2015 05:05 AM)Nurse Wrote:  I have no idea what to do. For months I've been trying to make a decision about my job and living situation. I have until mid July at my ex's aunt and uncle's house. My ex has already signed the divorce papers. At this point, he's waiting on me to make a decision about where to work. I told him I wasn't signing shit until I made a decision - "You owe me. You can keep me as your legal spouse a little longer and put me on your health insurance until I get coverage from my new employer." When I reminded him that our son would also be uninsured, that I kept him on my plan, and that it costs the same on his plan to add just the child or spouse and child, he relented.

Option A. I could go back to work for my former employer - they treat their nurses like shit and are among the lowest paid in the country. I'd still have my parents up my ass about "finding a church home." However, I'd be able to have my son more often, wouldn't pay my ex a dime of child support, and would be doing significantly less driving.

Option B. I could stay at my current employer - who pays me significantly more and treats it's nurses sooooo well - continue to learn my job and apply for CRNA school next summer. I'd have my own space and more easily pick up overtime shifts. I love this city. However, I'd see my son less and I would still do a significant amount of driving. While rent is expensive, the apartments I'm looking at in Huntsville are only $300 less per month - my paycut would be waaaaaay more than that (although it would be a 2 bed/2 bath in Huntsville vs a 1 bed/1 bath in my work city. Otherwise rent would be double)


Basically, more time with my son but 2+ years in a shit job vs fantastic career and less time with son. I could use some insight, 'cause I'm at a fucking loss for what to do.





ouch, this is a dilemma that will require some introspective thought....my opinion, and please don't take this the wrong way, I am military so I have come to accept separation from loved ones due to career obligations or success...to me, as long as you can see your son...quality of time together means a lot more than quantity of time. How many families come home from school, work, sit down at dinner, play the round table "how was school/work" convo circle jerk, eat, get ready for the next day, then bed....the grind of life right?

My opinion is....you being happy has intrinsic value, your son will benefit from you being happy, you will be more pleasant to be around, less stressed, more focused and positive and be able to better financially support his needs. He needs quality time much more than quantity of time. Also you focusing on your career gives you the long term financial leverage to have better options in the future. Hard emotional decisions sometimes need a more pragmatic approach in order to decipher the best balance big picture wise...

Hope this helps, huggz for you either way.

"Belief is so often the death of reason" - Qyburn, Game of Thrones

"The Christian community continues to exist because the conclusions of the critical study of the Bible are largely withheld from them." -Hans Conzelmann (1915-1989)
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04-06-2015, 08:53 AM
RE: Should I Stay or Should I Go
Yup. A combo of Bows & Gwog.

I'd search for a cheaper place located closer to either work or kid, to save gas & time. If it can not be found, then quality of time with child is priority. And yes, that means you first must be happy with YOU.

Kids know mom loves them. Kids instinctively want to help. They also know when things aren't going right for mom. They don't know how to fix it but, they know that when mom isn't happy, life seems pretty crappy.

I've taken care of a few kids who would flat out say pointing to a grocery store, "Mommy would be happy if she worked there!" Actually, what was usually said was, "Mommy wouldn't take drugs if she worked there.", but the point was everything would be ok if mommy was just happy.

Kids know security when they see it. They need to see it most in their parents, whatever the situation is.

In my opinion, situation B seems best financially and better for everyone's sanity. It will provide the most security for you and your child.

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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04-06-2015, 08:55 AM
RE: Should I Stay or Should I Go
Hug Thank you, everyone. This has been really, really helpful. It helps to get perspective from people removed from the situation. My parents want me to come back home, my ex wants me to stay at my job for his own selfish reasons. I even had someone say "What kind of mother moves away from their child?!" Sadcryface

I'm going to stay with my current job - I'm so much happier here. I'll still be seeing my son, if anything even moreso because I'll be able to have him with me in my work city. I'm starting to make friends here and garner the trust of my coworkers.

Quality *is* certainly better than quantity. Doesn't really matter what town I'm in on my work days - I wouldn't have my son anyway, plus I'm too exhausted when I get off to be an attentive mom. Yes, my parents will still bug me about church, but they won't have any contacts here to verify that I'm actually going (they're kinda crazy - and with Emmaus, connected with members at most of the churches in the Huntsville area). I may even be able to come out of the closet if I'm no longer depending on them. That would be such a relief - lying and acting like someone I'm not really stresses me out.

Only 20% of applicants are accepted into CRNA school - where I work really matters. I'll have a tough time getting in by working in a small community hospital's ICU. That's why I haven't explored option C - any other major hospital is going to be just as far away.

I'm thinking I'll get my son his own laptop or iPad so we can Skype when I'm away, without having to deal with my ex as much. He'll also be able to send me emails and texts that way - he's reading and writing now.

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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04-06-2015, 09:00 AM
RE: Should I Stay or Should I Go
(04-06-2015 08:55 AM)Nurse Wrote:  Hug Thank you, everyone. This has been really, really helpful. It helps to get perspective from people removed from the situation. My parents want me to come back home, my ex wants me to stay at my job for his own selfish reasons. I even had someone say "What kind of mother moves away from their child?!" Sadcryface

I'm going to stay with my current job - I'm so much happier here. I'll still be seeing my son, if anything even moreso because I'll be able to have him with me in my work city. I'm starting to make friends here and garner the trust of my coworkers.

Quality *is* certainly better than quantity. Doesn't really matter what town I'm in on my work days - I wouldn't have my son anyway, plus I'm too exhausted when I get off to be an attentive mom. Yes, my parents will still bug me about church, but they won't have any contacts here to verify that I'm actually going (they're kinda crazy - and with Emmaus, connected with members at most of the churches in the Huntsville area). I may even be able to come out of the closet if I'm no longer depending on them. That would be such a relief - lying and acting like someone I'm not really stresses me out.

Only 20% of applicants are accepted into CRNA school - where I work really matters. I'll have a tough time getting in by working in a small community hospital's ICU. That's why I haven't explored option C - any other major hospital is going to be just as far away.

I'm thinking I'll get my son his own laptop or iPad so we can Skype when I'm away, without having to deal with my ex as much. He'll also be able to send me emails and texts that way - he's reading and writing now.

YES! to the ipad (or google chrome book) my kids have 'technology' days at school where the teachers ask kids to bring in their electronics to do a lesson at school. Usually once a month they bring their stuff from home. He will want one soon anyway.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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04-06-2015, 09:16 AM
RE: Should I Stay or Should I Go
I think staying is a good decision. Reverting to your old job might have some short term benefits on paper, but you'd be unhappy about it most of the time and it wouldn't be better in the long term. Stick with what's working, deal with the burdens it brings for now, and work towards a better option in the future.

'Murican Canadian
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04-06-2015, 09:42 AM
RE: Should I Stay or Should I Go
I faced a similar decision a couple of years ago, when I returned to Texas. The recession wiped out my career as a business manager in SoCal, and I had to do something, because I was circling the drain. It sucked. I'm fortunate that my son, fifteen at the time, understood the decision process. We've managed to have about three months together each year, which is significantly less than the 42% custody I legally have, but at the same time I'm not couch-surfing and am much more able to help his mother with expenses above and beyond my child-support payments.

The situations aren't perfectly parallel, but based on my own experience, Nursey, I'd say keep your job where you are and make extra efforts to get more time with your son. The next two years may be tiring for all that effort, but better tired now than regretful later.
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04-06-2015, 09:48 AM
RE: Should I Stay or Should I Go
I'm glad you've decided nurse. Decisions like these are never easy. Follow your passion. If your happy your son will be too. Smile


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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04-06-2015, 10:24 AM
RE: Should I Stay or Should I Go
I don't know the entire back story which would result in about 100 questions from me, but who wants that? Nah.

Here are a few though...

1.) How much less time with your son if you stay at current employer?
2.) How much more driving time?
3.) What is the split time with your son that you and your (ex) have worked out? Who gets him the majority of the time?
4.) Do you have people in the current employment city that can watch your son while you work? Babysitters, daycare, etc. Have you taken that into consideration? I.E. your net pay less all bills (comparison by city) which may include family watching your son while you work etc.

Here's how I will look at it. I spend 8-10 hours at work. If I'm not happy there it makes coming home to rest of my life shitty at times. Other times it gives me something more to look forward to. Everyone is different though. At my last job I was extremely unhappy and i carried that over coming home. This was five years ago but the change completely adjusted the rest of my world. If you are the kind of person that can compartmentalize home life from work then that is awesome. I can't always do that. So, I say (depending on the questions above) look at your overall happiness when you're with your son more vs when you are with him less...and also your old job vs current job. If your answers to question 1 and 2 are not greatly varied, I would go with the better job with more pay. You can always work out a way to see your son more.

**Crickets** -- God
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04-06-2015, 10:28 AM
RE: Should I Stay or Should I Go
How old is your son? If he's 3 that's one thing. If he's 12 that's something else.

When they hit 12-13 parents suddenly become an embarrassment to them for a while..... until they want to learn how to drive.

Atheism is NOT a Religion. It's A Personal Relationship With Reality!
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