Sick of it.
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29-12-2013, 02:22 AM
Sick of it.
I'm sick of always being either angry, bored or sad, all of which are always near-overwhelming when they start up, sick of feeling like I have no control over myself or my emotions, I'm tired of being set-off be the smallest of things which really should not upset me; being angry when I hear a child talking, or music being played or losing a game, it's stupid but I can't help it and I hate that it happens, sick of feeling disgusted with myself any time I let my emotions slip, tired of the voice in my head which keeps telling me "Stop being a pansy" "Stop being weak" "You're pathetic" "You should be better" any time my flood-gate is breached and I break down from the pressure, I don't want to be so weak, I want to control myself again, tired of having to try to bottle any time I get mad or upset up, I'm sick of always feeling alone, even with friends and family around, I want to stop feeling so isolated, but no matter what, I never feel like I have anybody to talk to, even if I went to family members, they wouldn't understand; they always try to boost themselves using me when I feel bad and on the rare occasions that I let it through on my own.
I'm sick of that feeling in the back of my mind which keeps telling me that nothing I ever do is good enough, that it should be better, perfect, that I'm a disappointment.

Sorry if this seems a little disjointed: I've been debating making a thread like this for a while now, but I really am with each passing day getting more and more tired that I can never seem to have peace of mind; I want peace and quiet but I can't ever get it because of a damned ringing in my ears, I want to live without care for now, but every day I am confronted with the fact that one of my worst fears (losing my sight) is a very present and real constant concern for me due to my eyes being in a constant state of degradation and I don't know when and to what degree they well stop, IF they stop degrading at all. I want to feel like I am worth at least something to myself, but there is that damn feeling chiming away all to time, telling me that I can never get things right when I should be able, even simple things are incorrect, plus I get the feeling that I should always be stronger, better that what I am; I shouldn't get things wrong because it's stupid, I shouldn't need others 'cause it's weak if I can't stand up on my own I'm not worth it, that feeling is gnawing at me while I type now, and I am damn sick of the fact that it is always there; always berating myself for stupidity or weakness. I just want it to stop, especially since there is yet another 'voice', growing with each occasional break, telling me to end it. Fortunately I have thus far proven too cowardly to listen to it as of yet. Not to mention that I am genuinely afraid of all this; it seems like every time I get mad, I get madder each time, I genuinely am afraid that if I get too pissed off I might hurt somebody other than me, quite possibly kill a person. All I can do is just try to suppress my anger, any time I just let it go it just builds more until I, inevitably, break down, and the disgust sets in again and a damn pattern that never ends, in the meantime this goes on and nobody notices; I'm just told to stop pitying myself or to suck it up, or I'm made a joke of.

Of course, I don't have anywhere but here do go to vent this kind of frustration; I certainly can't afford any real help, and my pride and self-worth, which hinge in dealing with my own problems by myself, would never allow that anyway. Here I at least feel a little at ease in the pride department; I'm pretty much anonymous here and it's text, I don't feel awkward here like anywhere else, besides for the most part, I trust many of the forum more than my own family with this sort of thing.

Well, thanks for reading my psychosis-spluttered venting, I really needed it.

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29-12-2013, 02:28 AM
RE: Sick of it.
So tempting to say tl;dr but I'd be lying.

I think if you did a poll of all here who have experienced similar feelings (most likely in their younger years) you'd get a 100% "me too".

So one thing is for sure... you are definitely not alone.

Would you like us to share how we overcame / worked through / denied these feelings?

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29-12-2013, 02:36 AM
RE: Sick of it.
(29-12-2013 02:28 AM)DLJ Wrote:  So tempting to say tl;dr but I'd be lying.

I think if you did a poll of all here who have experienced similar feelings (most likely in their younger years) you'd get a 100% "me too".

So one thing is for sure... you are definitely not alone.

Would you like us to share how we overcame / worked through / denied these feelings?

Thanks, DLJ, really.
Honestly, I just really needed to vent that; been feeling it for years, bout time I let some stuff out in the open to people I like and respect.

But please do share, that's what the forum is for after all.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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29-12-2013, 03:07 AM (This post was last modified: 29-12-2013 08:18 AM by DLJ.)
RE: Sick of it.
OK.

A combo of things.

Largely it's a mind over matter thing.

... and denial.

Example: I was on a plane recently (from HK, I think, so maybe a 4 hour journey) and I was getting to the point where I could have punched a whiny, whingey child behind me.
I hadn't slept for over 48 hours.

Then I remembered the helplessness I felt when my child threw tantrums for no apparent reason (because I didn't understand autism then) and the looks that other parents threw at me.

Then my mind went to recent debates about morality on TTA and I 'went into myself' as I worked through an example of murdering a child that could be considered moral (I thought of an example, btw).

It helped to calm me down and get control over my brain chemistry.

In youth, the best way to cope with the feelings you described was usually... distraction... deep thinking, long night walks (e.g. 20 miles) and getting home before my parents woke up just to tire myself out, parties, reading etc.

As an introvert Aspie (I mean me, not you, although I think you are too) it occurs to me that being social (however undesirable that is) is a very good way to stop the internal nagging and quieten the fears. That's why god gave us this forum Smile

I've always tried to go by the rule of playing the hand we're dealt but I understand the frustration of continually getting dealt shitty hands.
Solution... bluff it out!

but wrt your eyesight... this is less easy to relate to, other than, my health is failing (as I've always known it would but I don't want to explain why) so I can relate a little.
My plan is to go out with a bang (lots of them) and just do as much as I want to do before the end.

You have so much banging still ahead of you. And if you lose your eyesight? More banging options, I reckon Angel

Wink

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29-12-2013, 08:56 AM
RE: Sick of it.
You're not going to go blind. When you stop growing your eyesight will stabilize and you'll get the right perscription, and you're not going to kill anyone--you're not the type (thank God). You're seventeen, right? Maybe 18? Your profile says 17: why don't you become an athlete of some sort. That would fix most of what you're talking about. Become a runner, a marathoner.

At this point in life, you are transitioning from being a child to being independent and the stress is incredible, but you're not going to go mad over it.

Become a writer (when you're not running). You seem to be very good at that; I've always thought so. Maybe you should teach English.

And this Virgo hyper-crtitical perfectionism is something you're going to have to tame. It pushes you to be better, but it can make you into a loser, because after all, who wants to try anything if failure means not being "perfect"?

Besides, perfect means only one thing: It means you did everything you could. If you've done all that you can, you are perfect. The key to success in life is really really believing that. "If you've done all that you can, you're perfect."

What you really need to watch out for is narcissism. It will destroy your life. It will make you the worst kind of loser; one that can't ever correct themselves. Narcissism is a defense against feeling exactly the way you have described and it is a one-way ticket straight to the bottom.

You should give me your birth info, and I'll post your astrological chart in this thread. It's a great way to learn more about yourself and the fatalistic winds that are blowing on you. But even if you don't want to do that, remember:

Don't sweat your eyesight.
Start a novel.
Start running.
If you've done all you can, you're perfect (say it over and over and over until you believe it).
Don't give in to narcissism.

Oh, and just avoid toxic people. You don't have to shoot them, just don't talk to them.

In all of this, Free Thought, I wish you the best of luck. 2014 will be better for all of us. Hang in there.

~ Gordon
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29-12-2013, 09:23 AM
RE: Sick of it.
(29-12-2013 02:22 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  I'm sick of always being either angry, bored or sad, all of which are always near-overwhelming when they start up, sick of feeling like I have no control over myself or my emotions, I'm tired of being set-off be the smallest of things which really should not upset me; being angry when I hear a child talking, or music being played or losing a game, it's stupid but I can't help it and I hate that it happens, sick of feeling disgusted with myself any time I let my emotions slip, tired of the voice in my head which keeps telling me "Stop being a pansy" "Stop being weak" "You're pathetic" "You should be better" any time my flood-gate is breached and I break down from the pressure, I don't want to be so weak, I want to control myself again, tired of having to try to bottle any time I get mad or upset up, I'm sick of always feeling alone, even with friends and family around, I want to stop feeling so isolated, but no matter what, I never feel like I have anybody to talk to, even if I went to family members, they wouldn't understand; they always try to boost themselves using me when I feel bad and on the rare occasions that I let it through on my own.
I'm sick of that feeling in the back of my mind which keeps telling me that nothing I ever do is good enough, that it should be better, perfect, that I'm a disappointment.

Sorry if this seems a little disjointed: I've been debating making a thread like this for a while now, but I really am with each passing day getting more and more tired that I can never seem to have peace of mind; I want peace and quiet but I can't ever get it because of a damned ringing in my ears, I want to live without care for now, but every day I am confronted with the fact that one of my worst fears (losing my sight) is a very present and real constant concern for me due to my eyes being in a constant state of degradation and I don't know when and to what degree they well stop, IF they stop degrading at all. I want to feel like I am worth at least something to myself, but there is that damn feeling chiming away all to time, telling me that I can never get things right when I should be able, even simple things are incorrect, plus I get the feeling that I should always be stronger, better that what I am; I shouldn't get things wrong because it's stupid, I shouldn't need others 'cause it's weak if I can't stand up on my own I'm not worth it, that feeling is gnawing at me while I type now, and I am damn sick of the fact that it is always there; always berating myself for stupidity or weakness. I just want it to stop, especially since there is yet another 'voice', growing with each occasional break, telling me to end it. Fortunately I have thus far proven too cowardly to listen to it as of yet. Not to mention that I am genuinely afraid of all this; it seems like every time I get mad, I get madder each time, I genuinely am afraid that if I get too pissed off I might hurt somebody other than me, quite possibly kill a person. All I can do is just try to suppress my anger, any time I just let it go it just builds more until I, inevitably, break down, and the disgust sets in again and a damn pattern that never ends, in the meantime this goes on and nobody notices; I'm just told to stop pitying myself or to suck it up, or I'm made a joke of.

Of course, I don't have anywhere but here do go to vent this kind of frustration; I certainly can't afford any real help, and my pride and self-worth, which hinge in dealing with my own problems by myself, would never allow that anyway. Here I at least feel a little at ease in the pride department; I'm pretty much anonymous here and it's text, I don't feel awkward here like anywhere else, besides for the most part, I trust many of the forum more than my own family with this sort of thing.

Well, thanks for reading my psychosis-spluttered venting, I really needed it.

Ringing in your ears - tinnitus - they have hearing aid type things now that do away with it. This is something you need to fix, because it aggravates your issues more than you think. No one knows how to make it go away for good yet, but these new hearing aids do help a lot - I have a friend who uses them. They are tiny, people won't know you are wearing them.

"Bad thoughts". That is what is plaguing you, not actually life itself. You have identified a bunch of them above. Suggestion: Make a list of them. They are the trigger for your bad feelings. You need to teach yourself to deactivate the triggers. When you have any one of these thoughts, pull out your list, put a checkmark next to it and pretty soon every time you have one of these thoughts crop up, your reaction will be" there goes this crap again" - instead of letting them dominate how you feel, you will diffuse them. Eventually they disappear.

You can train your brain to get rid of useless or aggravating thoughts. They got programmed in somehow, and you are the only one who can chase them off. But before you can do that, you need to be totally aware of them in real time - as they happen. The above is one way to do that. I hope you try it. It worked for me a long time ago - I haven't had my demons in decades now.

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29-12-2013, 10:24 AM
RE: Sick of it.
I am of the same age- some others have mentioned how it's just learning to be independent and stuff. It's like, you probably constantly feel no one understands, whenever you react so impulsively to petty things. Just assure yourself that this is for your own good- almost everyone feels this way, it just seems as you grow older you become more able to hide it more (my parents sometimes explode randomly- this is where they lose the ability to hide it). I almost see it a strength actually knowing how you feel. I think the first step is to identify how you are feeling- acknowledge it's there. Allow yourself to understamd why you feel this way. Then accept that this is normal- and it will keep happening. Eventually your mid gives up doing anything- it's just a normal thought process. In a way the mind goes "oh look i'm getting annoyed for the same reason again, why bother getting annoyed again".

As for the ringing in the ears, I had that problem earlier this year. I got really frustrated at myself for not being able to hear people. I did actually stop socialising largely because I couldn't hear a thing. Funnily enough just as I realised its no fault of mine it cleared itself up one day. As for peace of mind, i kinda learned to live with it. Just keep your mind off it- take up art or music.

Something else you mentioned relates to me. My life is basically based around being good at stuff. Hence when I am not so good, the feelings you mentioned come up. I've been thinking lately about turning this around. Spose find interest in the way people work or something. I don't know really.
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29-12-2013, 11:40 AM
RE: Sick of it.
Cognitive behavioural therapy works for some.

Being mindful of what's going on, but not letting it consume you, trying to get it to pass like a train car works for me.

On top of that, knowing it will pass has helped me. Some people drown with the thought that it will never fucking end. It does, in little bits.

Take care man. *hugs*

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29-12-2013, 12:13 PM
RE: Sick of it.
(29-12-2013 09:23 AM)Dom Wrote:  You can train your brain to get rid of useless or aggravating thoughts. They got programmed in somehow, and you are the only one who can chase them off. But before you can do that, you need to be totally aware of them in real time - as they happen. The above is one way to do that. I hope you try it. It worked for me a long time ago - I haven't had my demons in decades now.

I agree with Dom...
Yes Free Thought, you can and it is a matter of re-training or re-focusing your brain. I have done this and in doing so, I've gotten a grip on my own tinnitus, as well.

Get this book. It will help you to understand your continually changing body and teach you to grasp your thoughts and MAKE THEM STOP.

You can do this, it is completely secular, and can be a basis for use as necessary, in furthering your own self exploration. I have helped people with yoga for quite a few years and have found this to be the quickest and the best starting place I've run across. I frequently advise against anyone learning yoga in a class with others; it is unnecessary and it can be manipulated by others into something other than secular.

One thing however: in a specific "meditation exercise" in this book (and others), there is a suggestion regarding looking into a candle flame - I usually advise people to not do that - just do the other exercise suggestions. I would specifically advise you of this Free Thought, especially if you have discomfort with your eyesight.

I hate like hell pushing a book at you but, fuck it - this guy is long dead and you can pick up a copy for less than 10 bucks. Thumbsup

Also, you are right - you do need to vent and do it more often! It's not good keeping stuff bottled up until you explode. I was that way about a particular situation for quite a while but, it did me and the situation absolutely no good at all... in fact, it fucked everything up beyond worse.

I'm glad you feel able to come here and respect people here enough to trust; I trust and respect you, as well. I consider it a privilege to know you. Shy

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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29-12-2013, 12:51 PM
RE: Sick of it.
Tinnitis is a bitch. I totally understand that. I have it really bad as well.

My grumpy little FT. I wish you weren't so hard on yourself. You're a great kid (and I suspect will be a great man as well) Intelligent and funny. You have a lot to offer the world, if you can find a way to not let your pride get in the way of finding help and ways to cope.

Nothing ever really stands in your way, not money, not health, its almost always just your mind. Which I suspect you understand, you appear to be seeing that in your post, if not fully.

As for that little voice in your head threatening to "end it" You tell that little voice that life is unpredictable and full of surprises and amazing things and if you were to end it you might miss that amazing thing you never saw coming

(Plus you tell your little voice that Hobbitgirl is evil and very determined and should something like that happen to you that she'd fly to where you live, find where you are and woe what would happen then. Tongue)


I know you don't see me as particularly smart or worth talking to. But I am here to vent at if you need it. I am good at listening. Smile
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