Smotherlove (17yr old drug addicted son)
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25-06-2012, 12:09 PM
Smotherlove (17yr old drug addicted son)

WHINE AND FOOT STAMPING ALERT - I am so tired of being a mom to my son. Don’t get me wrong, I love the little f*cker terribly. We have completely changed our lives all to aid someone who stole money from our checking account, allowed his drug fiends(no I don’t mean friends) to damage our house, shoplifted, sold drugs, etc….. To aid his sobriety, my husband and I have stopped drinking. I gave away our French wine poster and the wine rack. I really miss my pinot noir, Johnny Walker and Jack Daniels! Certain medicines like Benadryl and cough syrup are no longer kept in our cabinets. Our weekends and week nights are spent bringing him to NA and AA meetings. I don’t mind this, but there are many times I want to go to a movie or the beach instead of planting myself in the back of a meeting to make sure noone is selling a drug to my son. He resents having to account for every penny he spends with receipts or the surprise drug tests. I tell him over and over again that they aid in his sobriety by keeping him accountable, that he needs to earn our trust.

My son just completed 100 days of sobriety. This is a Herculean effort for a 17 yr old Opiate addict. This is awesome, right? I should be able to breathe a sigh of relief, right? Instead I am constantly worried he will relapse, and maybe die from an overdose. Just like when he was a baby, I go into his room at night to check to see if he is still breathing. This is not how I envisioned my life in 2012 last year at this time. My son played baseball for his high school and made decent grades. He was a popular kid with his teachers and around town. We couldn’t walk down the street without someone calling out his name. Over the next few months his friends changed, he stopped playing sports, his grades plummeted and I started smelling pot in his clothes and booze on his breathe. He lost thirty pounds and went from being a muscular, handsome boy to a thin, sick, pale ghost. What I didn’t know was in addition to pot&booze, to get a better high he was starting to use ketamine, LSD and ‘shrooms. Eventually he graduated to Perc 30’s, snorting coke & heroin, then eventually shooting heroin. That’s when he started dealing pot, stealing from our checking account and selling our possessions & shoplifted items in order to support his use. So instead of touring colleges this past spring, I was looking at detoxes and rehabs. My emotions are all over the place. One moment I am happy and the next I am so angry I can’t even think straight. I can’t even listen to music without crying. Certain songs from Devotchka, Sarah McLachlan, Janis Joplin, Johnny Cash, the Stones, the Cure and Lucinda Williams leave me inconsolable. “Pictures of you, how you used to be, you were bigger and brighter and whiter than snow…”

I repeat the Al-Anon mantra of " I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it". But I am a mother, so accepting I can't control or cure his addiction seems impossible, but it is the only thing I can really do to help him. But he is my baby... All my instincts tell me to protect him at all costs.

Heart Be good for goodness sake!
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25-06-2012, 12:44 PM
RE: Smotherlove (17yr old drug addicted son)
I have never said this over the T A to everyone. I was a addict on Heroin myself. I was 17 years old and hooked hard. It took years off my life till i turned 21. I had a very good friend I call my brother who was a Hells Angel. He made me clean up the hard way ( cold turkey) . He put me down in a basement with a bucket to vomit in, their was a shower and cot and toilet. When I shit myself he helped me clean up. I had 2 babies at the time. If i would have came out of the basement he would kill me. He saved my life. He saved my children's life too. At that point I knew I could never use again. You can make it if your mind is right. Once you put your mind right and set your head strait you can do it. You cant be around ANY of your so called old friends. They will fall off very fast as soon as they see you will NOT get high again. I was friends with the biker till the day he died. It ripped my heart out when he passed away. He was one of my best friends I ever had. He was one of the smartest people I ever knew too. I think he must have had a 140 IQ. You should never judge a book by it's cover.

Now I have a 30 year old son doing the same thing and I have tried many times. After so many times you must either fish or cut bait. You need to make that clear to your son. If he thinks you will always take him back no matter how out of control he gets nothing will change. My heart goes out to you and I only hope he see's his road will lead to death. When I was using I knew it but didn't have the help to change till my friend made me do it. You must have been trying and gave him rehab to help him. Don't give up so quick. I gave my son so many chances because relapse can happen when they don't get on the same page. He is very young and needs all the help you can give him. It took me till my son was 30 to give up.

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25-06-2012, 12:56 PM (This post was last modified: 25-06-2012 01:01 PM by Leela.)
RE: Smotherlove (17yr old drug addicted son)
ok, I might sound hard right now but I mean the very best because I know your situation so well!
Crying will not help you or your family.
I know that the whole family is suffering from something like that, I have two brothers who were stealing our emergency money, using and selling drugs, and being violent all the time and even hiding weapons in our place. I know that it is not the same but it is close, at least the suffering part.
Until your son is healthy and ok again, until you can trust him again, you will have to be strong, and you will have to cry behind locked doors, otherwise he will find weak spots on you and fall back into bad behaviour.

Is he still in touch with the bad friends? If so, he is under 18 (for US under 21) so you have every right and possibility to get him away from these.
Is he going to a proper therapy?
Did he get a check from a doctor to see how bad he damaged himself?
Did he get some shocks? He needs to be scared the fuck away from all this shit.
Did he see you quitting alcohol and how it went with you and that you are clean? That might be a positive thing for him apart from the shock.

EDIT: btw I hope that any of my blah helps somehow. I just know how much my mother was fighting for them. Once she let them drop it didn't take much time anymore. But one had to sit in jail for a long time, and the other one had to fall in love for it to be over.

Don't be angry, it is so easy to get addicted and to fall back into bad behaviour. Addictions are not easy to quit and old, bad stigma is difficult to get rid off, so you have to help him as well as possible. And you are already!
Give him a chance, small tests like leaving a 10 on the kitchen table and check back an hour later if it is still there. Tell him you love him and tell him that if he needs money for something important that he can have it. Go, do some bonding with him, skip one AA and go to the movies with him.
Make him find a hobby, make him realize how great the world can be if he let's it be great to him.

If he has a small fall back into bad habits, show him how disappointed and hurt you are, make clear to him, without shouting, (again and again) what he is doing to the family when he is doing bad things but at the same time show him unconditional love and teach him the tools to a good happy live.
Try to find out why he started that shit in the first place so the triggers can be dodged. The bad friends are just a symptom.

He can stay clean but he needs you to stay strong. Don't get angry, kids make mistakes, sometimes they make huge mistakes (like my brothers).
But again and again you have to give him a small chance, a little tiny test, show him a bit of trust (at least tiny bit).
But keep control anyway. In this situation I would watch his every step. I would check on his mobile phone and on his web history.
What we say in German "Vertrauen ist gut, Kontrolle ist besser." (Trust is good, control is better.)

It will keep going up and down and up and down and he will keep falling and getting up but if you stay strong and helpful to him, at some point he will realize and he will stop the bad things no matter how difficult it is.
(If my brothers were able to, your son can too!)

I wish you good good nerves for a much longer time, and I would like to cyberhug you, if I may, for being so strong and supportive already! *cyberhug*

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25-06-2012, 01:14 PM
RE: Smotherlove (17yr old drug addicted son)
I can feel your frustration through your post.

If this were me, and I have been in similar situations, I would research and get all the support I can, and then I would take it all one day at a time.

At some point you cannot control this and you do need to give up some of the worry. You cannot help anyone if you aren't taking care of yourself. Maybe a few meetings someone else in your sons support circle can take him and you can go to the beach or a movie. You need to allow yourself to do this. It sounds like you need a mental break. This isn't something any one person can do or ever has, you will burn out and be of no use if you carry it alone all the time.

It sounds like you and your family are taking the right steps for the road to recovery.

I hear you on being scared when things are going well, that usually is the scariest thing.
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25-06-2012, 01:24 PM
RE: Smotherlove (17yr old drug addicted son)
He needs to get an AA and/or NA sponsor. You cannot provide your son what a recovering addict can - experience.

Hang in there, but start detaching; don't go to every meeting - in fact, wean yourself and don't go to any meeting with him unless he asks you to.

I've been clean and sober for more than 20 years, and it took 3 or 4 years to get there. It ain't easy, it ain't fun.

And finally, he needs to get a sponsor. You can't bullshit a bullshitter, it'll keep him honest.

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25-06-2012, 02:23 PM
RE: Smotherlove (17yr old drug addicted son)
Sad I hope it works out. You're a great mum. Caring for your kid like that... it's not surprising that there's times when it seems really bleak. But... because you are doing this, he will still have that great life. That is a precious gift. I salute you Smile
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26-06-2012, 09:56 AM
RE: Smotherlove (17yr old drug addicted son)
(25-06-2012 12:44 PM)N.E.OhioAtheist Wrote:  I have never said this over the T A to everyone. I was a addict on Heroin myself. I was 17 years old and hooked hard. It took years off my life till i turned 21. I had a very good friend I call my brother who was a Hells Angel. He made me clean up the hard way ( cold turkey) . He put me down in a basement with a bucket to vomit in, their was a shower and cot and toilet. When I shit myself he helped me clean up. I had 2 babies at the time. If i would have came out of the basement he would kill me. He saved my life. He saved my children's life too. At that point I knew I could never use again. You can make it if your mind is right. Once you put your mind right and set your head strait you can do it. You cant be around ANY of your so called old friends. They will fall off very fast as soon as they see you will NOT get high again. I was friends with the biker till the day he died. It ripped my heart out when he passed away. He was one of my best friends I ever had. He was one of the smartest people I ever knew too. I think he must have had a 140 IQ. You should never judge a book by it's cover.

Now I have a 30 year old son doing the same thing and I have tried many times. After so many times you must either fish or cut bait. You need to make that clear to your son. If he thinks you will always take him back no matter how out of control he gets nothing will change. My heart goes out to you and I only hope he see's his road will lead to death. When I was using I knew it but didn't have the help to change till my friend made me do it. You must have been trying and gave him rehab to help him. Don't give up so quick. I gave my son so many chances because relapse can happen when they don't get on the same page. He is very young and needs all the help you can give him. It took me till my son was 30 to give up.



Ohio, thanks so much for sharing. I can’t imagine how painful it is to watch your child struggle with the same disease. I wish they could learn from our mistakes, but apparently the only way for a person to grow is through their own missteps. However, I wouldn’t mind learning from parents who have been there and bought the t-shirt.

I wish noone belonged to this sh!tty club.

At this point I will not give up on him, and will continue to help him in recovery. Relapse scares the shite out of me, but I know the probability is very high. If(when) it happens, my husband and I will be momentarily heart broken, but then we’ll make like the itsy-bitsy spider and go up the spout again to another detox and rehab. He is hanging out with some friends that he had before he began consorting with the fiends. These are the “tween” buddies that he met after the baseball friends and before the shooting gallerists. Unfortunately, he has no interest in playing baseball again, nor will he quit smoking cigarettes. I sort of understand. In some weird way it reminds me of the saying, “you can never go home again”. He feels too different to return to the old normal.

Reading your post made me think that the hardest thing for any parent to do is to separate themselves from their child, no matter what age they are. I imagine that you not only did it for his sake but your own. It must have been a very long, painful and frightening road to reach this point. I hope I have the maturity and grit to do the same if my boy does not truly change.

Heart Be good for goodness sake!
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26-06-2012, 10:54 AM
RE: Smotherlove (17yr old drug addicted son)
(25-06-2012 12:56 PM)Leela Wrote:  ok, I might sound hard right now but I mean the very best because I know your situation so well!
Crying will not help you or your family.
I know that the whole family is suffering from something like that, I have two brothers who were stealing our emergency money, using and selling drugs, and being violent all the time and even hiding weapons in our place. I know that it is not the same but it is close, at least the suffering part.
Until your son is healthy and ok again, until you can trust him again, you will have to be strong, and you will have to cry behind locked doors, otherwise he will find weak spots on you and fall back into bad behaviour.

Is he still in touch with the bad friends? If so, he is under 18 (for US under 21) so you have every right and possibility to get him away from these.
Is he going to a proper therapy?
Did he get a check from a doctor to see how bad he damaged himself?
Did he get some shocks? He needs to be scared the fuck away from all this shit.
Did he see you quitting alcohol and how it went with you and that you are clean? That might be a positive thing for him apart from the shock.

EDIT: btw I hope that any of my blah helps somehow. I just know how much my mother was fighting for them. Once she let them drop it didn't take much time anymore. But one had to sit in jail for a long time, and the other one had to fall in love for it to be over.

Don't be angry, it is so easy to get addicted and to fall back into bad behaviour. Addictions are not easy to quit and old, bad stigma is difficult to get rid off, so you have to help him as well as possible. And you are already!
Give him a chance, small tests like leaving a 10 on the kitchen table and check back an hour later if it is still there. Tell him you love him and tell him that if he needs money for something important that he can have it. Go, do some bonding with him, skip one AA and go to the movies with him.
Make him find a hobby, make him realize how great the world can be if he let's it be great to him.

If he has a small fall back into bad habits, show him how disappointed and hurt you are, make clear to him, without shouting, (again and again) what he is doing to the family when he is doing bad things but at the same time show him unconditional love and teach him the tools to a good happy live.
Try to find out why he started that shit in the first place so the triggers can be dodged. The bad friends are just a symptom.

He can stay clean but he needs you to stay strong. Don't get angry, kids make mistakes, sometimes they make huge mistakes (like my brothers).
But again and again you have to give him a small chance, a little tiny test, show him a bit of trust (at least tiny bit).
But keep control anyway. In this situation I would watch his every step. I would check on his mobile phone and on his web history.
What we say in German "Vertrauen ist gut, Kontrolle ist besser." (Trust is good, control is better.)

It will keep going up and down and up and down and he will keep falling and getting up but if you stay strong and helpful to him, at some point he will realize and he will stop the bad things no matter how difficult it is.
(If my brothers were able to, your son can too!)

I wish you good good nerves for a much longer time, and I would like to cyberhug you, if I may, for being so strong and supportive already! *cyberhug*



Leela, you are totaling right when you say to cry behind locked doors. In the beginning the waterworks would go full blast in front of my son. He saw this as a way to manipulate and console me with lies and half-truths. So I have learned to cry alone. Recently I began trying to talk with him without raising my voice. This is not easy at all, but it does get me better results and makes us both feel better. Next week I will probably take him to see “Ted” and skip just one meeting. I don’t like being a shrew.

Honestly, I think my son was always an addict in one form or another. He has always been obsessively driven to objects or behavior that brings him pleasure, regardless of the consequences. When he was a little guy, he would run out of the classroom to touch the school buses. The teacher disciplined him, but it didn’t matter. He did it several times that week. When he got older he knew an incredible amount of baseball trivia, and then began playing on teams. For almost 5 years he played spring, summer & fall, and practiced for hours incessantly through the entire year. Athletically he was like Babe Ruth, “when he was good he was very good, but when he was bad he was horrid.” I just hope the next compulsion is not even close to being as destructive as his drug use.

Heart Be good for goodness sake!
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26-06-2012, 11:10 AM
RE: Smotherlove (17yr old drug addicted son)
(25-06-2012 01:14 PM)LadyJane Wrote:  I can feel your frustration through your post.

If this were me, and I have been in similar situations, I would research and get all the support I can, and then I would take it all one day at a time.

At some point you cannot control this and you do need to give up some of the worry. You cannot help anyone if you aren't taking care of yourself. Maybe a few meetings someone else in your sons support circle can take him and you can go to the beach or a movie. You need to allow yourself to do this. It sounds like you need a mental break. This isn't something any one person can do or ever has, you will burn out and be of no use if you carry it alone all the time.

It sounds like you and your family are taking the right steps for the road to recovery.

I hear you on being scared when things are going well, that usually is the scariest thing.



I do need a freakin' break!! Hopefully in a couple of weeks I will be able to spend a day at the beach with my friend.

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" is my motto when it comes to this brain disease. I have been researching different treatments; how to get my insurance to cover treatment; what drug court is; how to commit an adult to court mandated treatment (my son will be 18 in August); how to obtain and administer Narcan in the event of an overdose; how to get him into a sober high school(which I accomplished - yay!); how the addicted brain works when the addict is active vs when they are sober; etc etc etc

Heart Be good for goodness sake!
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26-06-2012, 11:20 AM
RE: Smotherlove (17yr old drug addicted son)
(25-06-2012 01:24 PM)Chas Wrote:  He needs to get an AA and/or NA sponsor. You cannot provide your son what a recovering addict can - experience.

Hang in there, but start detaching; don't go to every meeting - in fact, wean yourself and don't go to any meeting with him unless he asks you to.

I've been clean and sober for more than 20 years, and it took 3 or 4 years to get there. It ain't easy, it ain't fun.

And finally, he needs to get a sponsor. You can't bullshit a bullshitter, it'll keep him honest.


You are right on every count. I do need to detach somewhat and not go to his meetings. He is not a baby anymore, but he is my baby... I know this stinkin thinkin will not be any good for either of us, but frankly I am terrified to let go completely. I promise that will not go to the next couple of meetings and see how that goes. I have been pushing him to get a sponsor, and he has met a couple of guys he clicked with that had a few years of sobriety under their belts. So hopefully he will decide which soon.

Holy crap, Batman! 20 plus years clean?!?! I hope my son makes it that far...

Heart Be good for goodness sake!
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