So I am transitioning
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24-07-2017, 04:51 AM
So I am transitioning
For those clicking this thread and not knowing, I am transgender (FtM).

So last week was basically living hell. It drove me almost to suicide and I am very glad for my two best friends and for two people on TTA who were there for me.
I had to realize that I cannot keep living my life this way. My life so far has been a series of attempts to act the female and it is not working. I have been to therapy to try and find a way not to transition because my husband is a straight man and I wouldn't want our marriage to end over it. So I tried to find ways to deal with this without transitioning. It just ended in more and more pain, in depression, and when the suicidal thoughts started creeping back in, it was a red flag for me.

Last week I was almost there again and I had to weight survival against everything else. And survival is more important.
I did a lot of thinking and talking to friends. I was afraid to tell my husband without being prepared. During the last therapy session, I told my therapist that I couldn't go on like this and that I had to transition.
My therapist was very supportive and is fully on board. He promised he will go through this with me and I am very thankful for it.
So I asked for a couple session for this week so we could speak to my husband in a save environment.

But this weekend it turned out I had to tell my husband because I was acting weirdly about sex and intimacy and as explanation I told him I wasn't well and would like to talk about it during the couple therapy session.
So on Saturday I told him and I explained why I made this decision.
As expected he didn't take too well. He realized he is losing a wife so to say. He had questions and I answered. We talked and cried for half a day together and in separate rooms. Then we talked again.
At some point, because I work Sundays and I was so tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, I had to go to bed. We had been sitting on the dinner table quietly for about half an hour at the point and he said that he didn't think there wouldn't be much more to talk that night.
So I went to bed.

After a little while he came in the room to give me a kiss and tell me he loves me.
Then he left.
Then he came back again to tell me he loves me and kiss and cuddle a little bit.
Then he left.
Then he came back a third time to tell me that thinking about things without me made him very unhappy. And he wanted to try for a baby before I go on Testosterone. We hugged and cuddled for a while before he left and i went to sleep.

Sunday I finished work early and went home early so that I could be there in case he wanted to talk about anything.
Things were much calmer then. We spoke about some things, then we took time to think, then we talked again. Not a lot of tears anymore because we both decided to try to make this work. We decided to enjoy the time we have an so on.

I realize that he is straight and that one day he might just not be attracted to me any more. And I will understand if/when that day comes. But for now we want to make it work.

We are going to a festival in August, we will keep trying for a baby. My therapist asked about that too last Friday. I said I still want to try for a baby because I can so why not. I think it's a valid way to become parents and both my husband and I are ready to have a child. If I get pregnant, we will be great parents. If I get pregnant I will hold off on Testosterone until after the birth of course.

So next station, telling my mom, telling my brother, telling my friends, telling my work... Getting the awkwardness out of the way.
I found a specialized doctor in my city and I will call there for a first appointment sometime this week to make an appointment.
I will want to get a new hair cut soon. But I want to wait with physical changes until this all has sunk in with my husband. And I want to include him in all these steps. Maybe pick a hair cut together. Pick clothes together, etc. Learn how to shave your face once that time comes, right. We will see.

But yea, I felt like venting this. Because last week was hard. I barely ate, I barely slept. One panic attack was chasing the next. There was literally not a moment where I could have a clear mind. So I am happy the biggest pressure is off now and we can start to move from here.

So yea, again thanks to the two people on here who have been a great help for me so far. I am not calling out your names but you know who you are and I appreciate very much that you are a part of my support network right now.

Cheers,
Rob

PS: My therapist told me he will change my name on his papers to "Rob" and start calling me that after the couple session.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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24-07-2017, 05:15 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
Good to see you're moving forward with this leerob, hope all is well and all works out well for you. I've not much experience in this department of change, but if you need any help/someone to talk to, let me know Smile

"Whatever you say, Stone Cold Steve Austin." - Rick
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24-07-2017, 05:16 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
Hug

Heart

Wishing you all the best.
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24-07-2017, 05:24 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
Heart I am so ignorant of the things you are going through and will go through that all I can offer is my love for you as a friend.

I am glad to hear that you and your husband are working through things together.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat

Are my Chakras on straight?
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24-07-2017, 06:23 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
Wow! Like Anjele, I am very ignorant of this sort of thing and your situation in particular. So, I can only offer you words of a support. But as some random empathetic guy on the internet that simply hates to see others in pain, I do wholeheartedly offer that you... Clearly, your husband loves you very much. It's good that you were able to get this out in the open with him. Imagining myself in his situation, I know that it has to be very difficult for him to accept and I applaud his honest response and his willingness to stand by you not knowing what the future may hold. It sounds as though his primary concern is less about being attracted to you post-transition and more about whether he will be able to fulfill his desire to create a family with you. Your decision to hold off until you have had a child is, likewise, a reflection of your deep love for him. This sort of mutual love and respect between couples is rarer than you think. To me, it implies a strong relationship built on unconditional love. If that holds true, I think that together you two will be able to work through whatever difficulties lie ahead as you head down the path to transitioning. Good luck on your baby making endeavors and beyond!

Feel free to PM me if you ever want encouragement from a random guy on the internet. Heart

I just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now. Heart
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24-07-2017, 06:54 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
Hugs to you. I'm glad you are living your truth. Life is too short for it to be any other way.
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24-07-2017, 07:29 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
hugs and good thoughts to you Smile
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24-07-2017, 07:31 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
That's pretty tough to go through, I'll bet. Sorry for your troubles, and I hope you get what you want and need.
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24-07-2017, 07:50 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
Congrats, Rob! I'm here for you however I can be. You'll pull through this, I am confident, no matter how hard things are. Hug

Best wishes to both you and your husband!
Emma
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24-07-2017, 08:13 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
Heart Hug

Hugs to you! I wish you all the best in your transition.

"If you don't have a seat at the table, you're probably on the menu."

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