So I am transitioning
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
14-08-2017, 08:34 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
Some men have a hard time dealing with the whole "if he is a man now, does that make me gay?", and even if they are not homophobic in anyway, it just brings back childish memories of being called "gay" about various things as a kid I think. And once you start going down the thought process of "I'm not gay...or am I...is that ok?" sort of thing, if can really mess with a persons mind, if they've never really thought about it before. Plus generally, this whole time will be stressful enough for both of you, which will only exacerbate things as well.

It'll take some time to get to grips with the thought process, for him, but once he realizes that you are the same "person" underneath it all, it'll be fine.

Otherwise: +1 for smoking a bowl. It's a good time, and when done in moderation, can really take the edge off of the world. I haven't done it years, but man do I really need to lol.

The Helpful Atheist - An Information Blog
Last updated: 08/11/2017 - Want to contribute, drop me a PM
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes OakTree500's post
14-08-2017, 03:31 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
Actually I started replying earlier but then had some work stuff so never finished. So I am starting over.

So for what Emma and Oak said about the stuff my husband must be going through right now. I agree 100%. We have been talking over a lot of those things. Not that I am a lot of help really but we did talk. Also he had his first proper therapy session today and he told me it helped him a bit already. So I am happy about that. I hope it will keep helping him.

So today I had a meeting with my HR person at work again. He actually told me that I am his favourite person to meet with right now because it is so exciting to organize all of this stuff etc. It is the first time that somebody is transitioning in our office (well in this specific branch. Somebody has transitioned in an office over in the US.). So he gave me some updates on some things I asked and also gave me a heads up on what he found out for the things on IT etc.

I planned a little more with one of my managers for when I tell my team in two weeks. So those plans are going well.

I also uploaded a quick vlog about the hair and when I came out to the rest of my friends etc.

I will be making a vlog about the whole work stuff this week as well.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
- Wotsefack?! -
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 4 users Like Leerob's post
15-08-2017, 06:27 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
Actually the past few days, after the big difficult Saturday last weekend, I feel very weird.

This is the first time in the relationship with my husband that I feel very insecure.
This is the first time in the relationship with my husband that I feel that I cannot speak to him about everything.
This is the first time in the relationship with my husband where I feel completely helpless about what will happen with this relationship.
So I don't cry much, if ever, unless it is about this relationship.
This is so precious and dear to me.
You see, I love this man very much and the thought that our marriage might end one day because he may not love me this way anymore when I start passing and once I go on hormones and change very much. ... It's an excrutiating and scary thought to me.
And because of this, we talked and cried pretty much all of Saturday.
I mean he had his fucking wedding ring off.
So after he left to go and have a few drinks, and I had some time alone, I took mine off as well because I thought if his ring is off then what's the point in me wearing mine. For me the wedding ring is something mutual. Both partners wear it because they are professing their love to each other and their willingness to stay together. Well if my partner takes it off, then for me there is no point anymore.
So then I had a beer, and when he got home he was a bit calmer because he was a bit stoned and a bit tipsy and he had had the opportunity to talk to a friend of his. He was very cuddle. We didn't talk much, just hugging, kissing, laying together hugging more. At some point I had to sleep because I work Sundays.
I am not sure what prompted him to put his ring back on but in the middle of the night, when he came to bed and I woke up because he was moving around, he made my hand feel his hand with the ring back on. He gave me a big kiss and we slept.

then on Sunday we checked on each other. When he asked me how I am, I said I am weird and trying for a normal day. So since Sunday we have been trying for normal days. But I really feel weird and insecure and anxious and stressed. I am resisting the urge to talk about things. Not only because he needs time and because apparently his therapy starts helping him, but also because I don't know if I can handle another day like last Saturday and the day I told him I have to transition. It is too emotionally draining for me. I cannot do it again. Because those two times we spent basically whole days where he was trying to paint everything black and hopeless for our relationship and sounding very credible about giving up on us. I cannot keep hearing this. I have thought about it enough. And I really really don't want the feeling that we are breaking up, when in the end I get kisses and good signs.

You know I understand that it speaks very well of my husband, that he is obviously trying very hard to stay together and he did tell me how dear and precious this is for him as well. But giving me days like that is very bad, very very bad. It is taking all this positivity I am building up with my transition and the steps I am doing, all this positivity, and it tramples it down and nullifies it within minutes. And it leaves me a depressed and anxious mess. Instead of excited for the long term future, I feel scared and anxious about the now and the immediate future.

It's a messy, fucked up situation.

I know it looks like the perfect transition to the outside. It looks perfect because I am an organized guy and do the steps I have to do and I do them on schedule and correctly. It looks perfect because work and my friends accept me and because my mother has not shunned me.
But really what is all of that, if my marriage slowly crumbles between my fingers and I can see the fucking clock ticking and the time we have running out because I know that my husband is straight so straight and once I have physical changes, he will leave this marriage for all I know. I am not even holding it against him. But it is draining and depressing.

My therapist said that I look so much better compared to 2 months ago.
I am unsure where he sees the "better". I see the rings under my eyes getting darker, I see that I can't sleep again, I feel the panic attacks and anxiety because of this situation. Since last Saturday, I am clearer on what this transition means to the marriage. I am clearer than I have been before. I mean I did understand before that it might not work out in the end. But now I have pretty much lost my confidence that this marriage will survive. My husband looked up the outcome with couples like ours in transition, and with FtM rarely couples survive it as couples. Sometimes they stay friends but most of the time, they don't stay a couple.
So considering the future we had planned, having a kid, starting to save up for a house, etc... Kinda all out the window.

No fucking clue. I don't know if he is fighting for the normality as much as I do right now... I have no idea what is currently happening.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
- Wotsefack?! -
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
15-08-2017, 06:40 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
OLD normal is gone. I hope you can find a new normal. My heart goes out to you both.

One of my favorite quotes:
"What's normal for the spider is chaos for the fly." (Charles Addams, via Morticia)

I hope you can bring some order to the chaos soon.

[Image: monkey-kiss.gif]

Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
"Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know." ~ Morticia Addams
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes outtathereligioncloset's post
17-08-2017, 01:49 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
So the past few days had some ups and downs. I shared the major pain point with you already.
I almost wanted to not go to therapy tomorrow but I feel like I need somebody in real life to talk to about all this. So I will go.

One of my pain points is the fact that I have these chesticles (aka boobs) that I really don't want there and I never wanted them there. I hated them the second they started growing.
But it is not just that. It is the fact that I have to wait so long to get them off.
Usually FtM transgender people in transition are binding. It means that they get something called "binder" which will flatten the chest. It is very tight and strong material so it is adviced to not wear them more than 8 hours a day and certain things should just not be done at all when wearing them because they are so tight that you can actually break a rib.
Problem for me is that I have this bad asthma and also a breast implant in one of my chesticles. I researched if you can bind with an implant and it is inconclusive. I cannot reach out to my surgeon because he got fired soon after he butchered me. I am hoping that I can talk to my doctor and get at least the implant removed before anything, so I can try and bind even with the asthma. I am not sure if that is possible and okay and I don't yet know how to pay for that surgery... But I guess I will find out.

Other than that, I found that singing alleviates some of my pains currently.
I used to be a very active musician but I have stopped years ago and I have missed it a lot. My voice isn't trained anymore by any means but I am just singing karaoke with youtube videos and am waiting for the day I can buy me a drumset finally to get back into that. I think it will help me a lot when I feel down.

Things at home have remained calm. I will be baking some ... ehem ... brownies this weekend. We decided to bring back our movie Saturdays that we always did in the beginning of our relationship. saussages, chips, and cake with a movie. Well this will be special cake Wink I think we both kinda need special cake and it is better than smoking for me because lungs.

Will see how the weekend goes i guess.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
- Wotsefack?! -
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
17-08-2017, 02:55 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
I'm a little surprised that binding is part of it, especially with asthma. I broke three ribs a few years ago and was told that they don't wrap up broken ribs any more because it's basically inviting pneumonia to set in. I sure would get a second opinion on that before wrapping up!

Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
"Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know." ~ Morticia Addams
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
17-08-2017, 03:54 PM (This post was last modified: 17-08-2017 04:53 PM by Leerob.)
RE: So I am transitioning
Yea. Well I cannot bind atm anyway. My lungs are still on steroids although I have reduced the dose now. And with my old implant... all that you know. But I will talk to my therapist about it as well tomorrow. And will see if I can get some letter from him for my doctor to let me at least remove the implant. And then I can still flatten things out with tight sport bras if I cannot bind. Not as much success but at least something.

Also if binding can be, i want to try this binder
https://peecockproducts.com/binder/zippe...inder.html
it is for large chests and has the front zipper. so that would be great. I will try to buy it next month. one to try. and if it works and doesn't hurt or trigger my asthma, I will wear that when I go out

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
- Wotsefack?! -
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
22-08-2017, 07:21 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
My mom used the male grammatical form of something when referring to me!!!

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
- Wotsefack?! -
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Leerob's post
23-08-2017, 05:26 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
Came out to my team today.
I was so nervous, I thought I will puke. My hands were shaking as hell.
Mentioning here, my team has about 30 people in it.
I am happy my manager had my back! I froze for a moment and she helped me out.
Team took it well. Smiles, applause (?), a lot of nice messages later on. Some already started calling me Rob.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
- Wotsefack?! -
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 4 users Like Leerob's post
23-08-2017, 05:48 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
(23-08-2017 05:26 AM)Leerob Wrote:  Came out to my team today.
I was so nervous, I thought I will puke. My hands were shaking as hell.
Mentioning here, my team has about 30 people in it.
I am happy my manager had my back! I froze for a moment and she helped me out.
Team took it well. Smiles, applause (?), a lot of nice messages later on. Some already started calling me Rob.

Hugs Smile And Yay!!!!!! Smile

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply
Forum Jump: