So I am transitioning
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30-08-2017, 12:46 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
(30-08-2017 12:19 PM)Leerob Wrote:  Well the fuss is mostly for trans men who don't quite pass and go in the gents bathroom because they are seen as "freaks".
The fuss is also with trans women who don't quite pass yet and go in the ladies bathroom because they are seen as a "threat" or "danger".
Then we have a lot of places on the planet and especially in the US where you have to use the bathroom for the sex assigned at birth. So it is possible that a trans women has to go to the gents bathroom and then get beat up just for the fact that she is a freak / a fag / a <insert slur here>.
And so it happens a lot, especially for trans men, that they just don't go and because they hold it for too long and bacteria starts doing it's thing in the urinary track, there will be a lot of infections.
This is why I am so happy that I found, my city, a place where the bathroom is unisex. So if I ever need to go, I can go and have a coffee there and use the bathroom.

Also, because I am on my period now, hoorah, I thought I'd make a vlog about how to care for yourself when you are a transman on your period. Maybe it will help - especially trans teenagers.

In other news, my husband and I had a lot of conversations and while we are staying together for the moment, we are now both clear on the fact that our marriage will end at some point. I told him that this decision is completely his. He will choose the time and method etc. He is very conflicted about it because he loves me very much and he feels there are only bad options. I think he is right. Everything will cause suffering.
I told him a few times that I want to stay friends because our deep and trusting relationship is too precious to me to just throw it away. I think he needs time to think about this. Because currently he thinks it won't work and he has several reasons to think that. Nothing I say right now can convince him otherwise so he needs time to think about it.

I have not made any steps in my transition, other than a ton of research, since I did my hair. I haven't brought the topic up either as I want him to have time to think etc.
When we came from our short vacation, we sat on the bus and he suddenly asked what my mom said and how she reacted and whether she even knew. So he is starting to ask a little bit. He has not asked how I am doing so far but I understand.

The one thing that annoys me is that he keeps hinting how I am not man enough, how I might not make it as a man, etc. I think that subconsciously he is trying to scare me out of it or something. Like saying that I have female traits that I won't use. And I think "so what"? He has traits too, that are usually associated with feminitity, for example he is VERY emotional. I have never held that against him and his masculinity. But yea. I know that he is back and forth between denial and trying to accept, so I am not even taking it personal; it's just annoying.
You see, the thing is that I am prepared. I am doing my research, I am following some very good FtM vloggers that have helped me with their videos a lot so far.
So quite honestly, any reaction and situation I pretty much am prepared. I am prepared to fight if needed, I am prepared to educated, I am prepared for the fact that for a long time I won't pass, I am prepared for people's reactions, I am prepared for long waiting times, I am prepared for things that happen once I get on Testosterone, I am prepared for bathroom troubles, I am prepared for getting paperwork done... I am really fucking prepared. And I have a great therapist, and I have a great doctor. I have friends, my mom, and work who all have my back. In addition I have my best friends who have my back even more.

Hug

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
Big Grin
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31-08-2017, 12:42 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
It's good to be prepared, and I'm glad and relieved that you are. It's funny, some people think we just fly into transition by the seats of our pants- when many of us are so obsessed with it and dig and research and learn for years before we even start down the road. Facepalm

We research medications, side effects, intended effects, conflicting medications, guides, thought pieces, others experiences, what to expect, how to get started, when to get started, what methods are best, what is safe and what isn't, yadda yadda yadda. And some people STILL think we just "decide" to be trans. WTF?? (Yes, Aractus, I'm throwing some shade...) Rolleyes

Ugh...

Anyway- much love, Rob- I'm pulling for you and hoping for the best! I'm still watching your vids when I can, and sometimes commenting! Smile
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01-09-2017, 10:25 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
Thanks Emma! You are always very encouraging. And I noticed your comments Smile Thanks Smile

And yes, I tried to explain that as well. Being trans is not something I want to be and transitioning is certainly not an easy way out or whatever. In my husband's case, I think he understands that I am not choosing what I am. But he cannot understand how transition is the only thing that will really help.
He was comparing my dysphoria with him not liking certain things on his body. I tried to explain the difference but it is really hard, when I get so dumbfounded with this kind of comparision. I know that it comes from ignorance, and I am maybe not the best educator, but he is not very willing to follow any links or vlogs that I suggest for him. So while he does want information, the bit he gets from me is not very well done, because I am IN the situation and it is hard to explain it for me.

Anyway, a good thing today!
My mom keeps surprising me. I feel like I am actually getting closer to her now. Not sure why.
But the fact that, while she isn't saying Robert to me yet, she is using male grammatical forms on me is wonderful.
In addition to that, today I told her about binders and that I entered into a free giveaway. What she did was give me a link for a website that sells binders. Like wtf even? She was very proud of it because they sell Underworks binders there and I told her I know that brand Big Grin

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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01-09-2017, 12:00 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
(01-09-2017 10:25 AM)Leerob Wrote:  Thanks Emma! You are always very encouraging. And I noticed your comments Smile Thanks Smile

And yes, I tried to explain that as well. Being trans is not something I want to be and transitioning is certainly not an easy way out or whatever. In my husband's case, I think he understands that I am not choosing what I am. But he cannot understand how transition is the only thing that will really help.
He was comparing my dysphoria with him not liking certain things on his body. I tried to explain the difference but it is really hard, when I get so dumbfounded with this kind of comparision. I know that it comes from ignorance, and I am maybe not the best educator, but he is not very willing to follow any links or vlogs that I suggest for him. So while he does want information, the bit he gets from me is not very well done, because I am IN the situation and it is hard to explain it for me.

Anyway, a good thing today!
My mom keeps surprising me. I feel like I am actually getting closer to her now. Not sure why.
But the fact that, while she isn't saying Robert to me yet, she is using male grammatical forms on me is wonderful.
In addition to that, today I told her about binders and that I entered into a free giveaway. What she did was give me a link for a website that sells binders. Like wtf even? She was very proud of it because they sell Underworks binders there and I told her I know that brand Big Grin

Ha, that's good progress indeed! Big Grin

My wife was dealing with similar thoughts and feelings about my being trans. It took me several times explaining it because I could never explain it well. It's easier for me to write than it is to speak. I feel too rushed when I speak, and I cannot edit or rephrase while speaking out loud. So I try to think hard about what I want to say, but the stress and pressure makes it harder to think straight and my mind spirals.

Anyway- yes, it is for me a very different than not "liking" certain parts of your body. It's just a feeling that certain parts of my body are "wrong" or "missing" which causes a base level discomfort, and a certain strong discomfort when people address me with a pronoun that doesn't fit. That discomfort grew over time once it was no longer so deeply repressed and once I could identify it.

It was very frustrating to try to explain, especially while I was in my peak dysphoric states. At this point, I am far more comfortable with myself, but there are parts of my body that I don't "like"- again separate from dysphoria- and there are some parts that still cause me some dysphoria.
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01-09-2017, 06:23 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
Yea I told him that too about things I don't like about my body.
But then I got all messed up because of exactly what you said about explaining things and getting all pressured.
It is hard to explain that me disliking my fat belly is different from me missing body parts that my brain just expects to be there.
And then always the lingering thing when I explain that studies support that the brain is indeed biologically opposite of the sex in transgender people. And then I say, "but even if it were a mental illness, it wouldn't change anything." And then he gets all stuck on the "even if it's a mental illness" which so far it isn't but still. So then I need to explain why that doesn't matter either. It is really hard to explain this all, especially when I am going through this at the same time and I am already messed up.

I mean so far I had a lot of positive effects. I feel more comfortable with myself, now that I have come out to everybody including work and people are respecting me normally and calling me Rob and he. My depression has gone down a bit, my constant anxiety has switched into only sometimes, I am more considerate of other people.
But I am also very confused at times and I keep forgetting things a lot lately, which is usually not me at all. I have some difficulties speaking as well, just finding words or phrasing well. But I think those things probably have to do with the fact that my mind is all over the place right now with the transition and the problematic couple situation and all these conflicting emotions I am having.
Next week I finally go to therapy again, I think I need to talk about some things there.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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01-09-2017, 06:34 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
Hug Rob.

For what it's worth, I think you're incredibly brave.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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01-09-2017, 08:08 PM
RE: So I am transitioning
Oversimplifying, I'm sure... Have you asked him to imagine how he would feel if he woke up tomorrow and discovered that he was still the same person in every way except he looked in the mirror and discovered his body was female?

(Not that your situation was one of "suddenly" discovering, just working with an idea here of maybe helping him to start to "get it.")

Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
"Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know." ~ Morticia Addams
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02-09-2017, 02:48 AM
RE: So I am transitioning
(01-09-2017 08:08 PM)outtathereligioncloset Wrote:  Oversimplifying, I'm sure... Have you asked him to imagine how he would feel if he woke up tomorrow and discovered that he was still the same person in every way except he looked in the mirror and discovered his body was female?

(Not that your situation was one of "suddenly" discovering, just working with an idea here of maybe helping him to start to "get it.")

Actually I did. And I saw a glimps of "hm, maybe there is something to it" but that glimps lasted a half a second and then it seemed like he just shrugged that away.
He can't get over the fact that the way trans people feel is all societies fault and that you have to just be okay with who you are. He feels transition is unnecessary and nothing I said so far could convince him otherwise.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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02-09-2017, 08:20 AM (This post was last modified: 02-09-2017 08:47 AM by DLJ.)
RE: So I am transitioning
(24-07-2017 04:51 AM)Leerob Wrote:  For those clicking this thread and not knowing, I am transgender (FtM).

So last week was basically living hell. It drove me almost to suicide and I am very glad for my two best friends and for two people on TTA who were there for me.
I had to realize that I cannot keep living my life this way. My life so far has been a series of attempts to act the female and it is not working. I have been to therapy to try and find a way not to transition because my husband is a straight man and I wouldn't want our marriage to end over it. So I tried to find ways to deal with this without transitioning. It just ended in more and more pain, in depression, and when the suicidal thoughts started creeping back in, it was a red flag for me.

Last week I was almost there again and I had to weight survival against everything else. And survival is more important.
I did a lot of thinking and talking to friends. I was afraid to tell my husband without being prepared. During the last therapy session, I told my therapist that I couldn't go on like this and that I had to transition.
My therapist was very supportive and is fully on board. He promised he will go through this with me and I am very thankful for it.
So I asked for a couple session for this week so we could speak to my husband in a save environment.

But this weekend it turned out I had to tell my husband because I was acting weirdly about sex and intimacy and as explanation I told him I wasn't well and would like to talk about it during the couple therapy session.
So on Saturday I told him and I explained why I made this decision.
As expected he didn't take too well. He realized he is losing a wife so to say. He had questions and I answered. We talked and cried for half a day together and in separate rooms. Then we talked again.
At some point, because I work Sundays and I was so tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, I had to go to bed. We had been sitting on the dinner table quietly for about half an hour at the point and he said that he didn't think there wouldn't be much more to talk that night.
So I went to bed.

After a little while he came in the room to give me a kiss and tell me he loves me.
Then he left.
Then he came back again to tell me he loves me and kiss and cuddle a little bit.
Then he left.
Then he came back a third time to tell me that thinking about things without me made him very unhappy. And he wanted to try for a baby before I go on Testosterone. We hugged and cuddled for a while before he left and i went to sleep.

Sunday I finished work early and went home early so that I could be there in case he wanted to talk about anything.
Things were much calmer then. We spoke about some things, then we took time to think, then we talked again. Not a lot of tears anymore because we both decided to try to make this work. We decided to enjoy the time we have an so on.

I realize that he is straight and that one day he might just not be attracted to me any more. And I will understand if/when that day comes. But for now we want to make it work.

We are going to a festival in August, we will keep trying for a baby. My therapist asked about that too last Friday. I said I still want to try for a baby because I can so why not. I think it's a valid way to become parents and both my husband and I are ready to have a child. If I get pregnant, we will be great parents. If I get pregnant I will hold off on Testosterone until after the birth of course.

So next station, telling my mom, telling my brother, telling my friends, telling my work... Getting the awkwardness out of the way.
I found a specialized doctor in my city and I will call there for a first appointment sometime this week to make an appointment.
I will want to get a new hair cut soon. But I want to wait with physical changes until this all has sunk in with my husband. And I want to include him in all these steps. Maybe pick a hair cut together. Pick clothes together, etc. Learn how to shave your face once that time comes, right. We will see.

But yea, I felt like venting this. Because last week was hard. I barely ate, I barely slept. One panic attack was chasing the next. There was literally not a moment where I could have a clear mind. So I am happy the biggest pressure is off now and we can start to move from here.

So yea, again thanks to the two people on here who have been a great help for me so far. I am not calling out your names but you know who you are and I appreciate very much that you are a part of my support network right now.

Cheers,
Rob

PS: My therapist told me he will change my name on his papers to "Rob" and start calling me that after the couple session.

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02-09-2017, 08:32 AM (This post was last modified: 02-09-2017 08:48 AM by DLJ.)
RE: So I am transitioning
(02-09-2017 08:20 AM)prycejosh Wrote:  
(24-07-2017 04:51 AM)Leerob Wrote:  For those clicking this thread and not knowing, I am transgender (FtM).

So last week was basically living hell. It drove me almost to suicide and I am very glad for my two best friends and for two people on TTA who were there for me.
I had to realize that I cannot keep living my life this way. My life so far has been a series of attempts to act the female and it is not working. I have been to therapy to try and find a way not to transition because my husband is a straight man and I wouldn't want our marriage to end over it. So I tried to find ways to deal with this without transitioning. It just ended in more and more pain, in depression, and when the suicidal thoughts started creeping back in, it was a red flag for me.

Last week I was almost there again and I had to weight survival against everything else. And survival is more important.
I did a lot of thinking and talking to friends. I was afraid to tell my husband without being prepared. During the last therapy session, I told my therapist that I couldn't go on like this and that I had to transition.
My therapist was very supportive and is fully on board. He promised he will go through this with me and I am very thankful for it.
So I asked for a couple session for this week so we could speak to my husband in a save environment.

But this weekend it turned out I had to tell my husband because I was acting weirdly about sex and intimacy and as explanation I told him I wasn't well and would like to talk about it during the couple therapy session.
So on Saturday I told him and I explained why I made this decision.
As expected he didn't take too well. He realized he is losing a wife so to say. He had questions and I answered. We talked and cried for half a day together and in separate rooms. Then we talked again.
At some point, because I work Sundays and I was so tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, I had to go to bed. We had been sitting on the dinner table quietly for about half an hour at the point and he said that he didn't think there wouldn't be much more to talk that night.
So I went to bed.

After a little while he came in the room to give me a kiss and tell me he loves me.
Then he left.
Then he came back again to tell me he loves me and kiss and cuddle a little bit.
Then he left.
Then he came back a third time to tell me that thinking about things without me made him very unhappy. And he wanted to try for a baby before I go on Testosterone. We hugged and cuddled for a while before he left and i went to sleep.

Sunday I finished work early and went home early so that I could be there in case he wanted to talk about anything.
Things were much calmer then. We spoke about some things, then we took time to think, then we talked again. Not a lot of tears anymore because we both decided to try to make this work. We decided to enjoy the time we have an so on.

I realize that he is straight and that one day he might just not be attracted to me any more. And I will understand if/when that day comes. But for now we want to make it work.

We are going to a festival in August, we will keep trying for a baby. My therapist asked about that too last Friday. I said I still want to try for a baby because I can so why not. I think it's a valid way to become parents and both my husband and I are ready to have a child. If I get pregnant, we will be great parents. If I get pregnant I will hold off on Testosterone until after the birth of course.

So next station, telling my mom, telling my brother, telling my friends, telling my work... Getting the awkwardness out of the way.
I found a specialized doctor in my city and I will call there for a first appointment sometime this week to make an appointment.
I will want to get a new hair cut soon. But I want to wait with physical changes until this all has sunk in with my husband. And I want to include him in all these steps. Maybe pick a hair cut together. Pick clothes together, etc. Learn how to shave your face once that time comes, right. We will see.

But yea, I felt like venting this. Because last week was hard. I barely ate, I barely slept. One panic attack was chasing the next. There was literally not a moment where I could have a clear mind. So I am happy the biggest pressure is off now and we can start to move from here.

So yea, again thanks to the two people on here who have been a great help for me so far. I am not calling out your names but you know who you are and I appreciate very much that you are a part of my support network right now.

Cheers,
Rob

PS: My therapist told me he will change my name on his papers to "Rob" and start calling me that after the couple session.

Comment removed by moderator: Inappropriate for this section.

Your God doesn't exist, and anyway even if he did, fuck him, and fuck you for being a stupid fuck who wants to impose their fucking vile way of thinking on others.

Fuck off.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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